Why do guys say things to be deliberately hurtful?

[alexis4you]

Have you ever had a guy say something that was cruel and completely uncalled for? And you didn't feel that you had done anything to deserve it? Just a random remark, that kind of knocks the breath out of you? What the hell is that about?

I am not trying to pick on men here, its just that when women do, there is really no need for conjecture, they are usually just jealous or bitter. :)

[DoggyDude]

Sometimes it is like Italo_DiscoFever says and its a really uncooth guy.

However, in my experience, sometimes its that the guys simply don't see things the same way as girls and vice versa (hence this wondefull site where we know we are receiving inpersonal answers and tend not to take offence).

For example (and I warn you I give terrible examples O_o):

A girl might ask a guy, what he thinks of this or that. The girl might be secretly nervous and hoping the guy will see how the thing in question effects her and that she's looking for a response in understanding.

The guy will just see a straight forward question put to him, and will respond honestly, on many occasions completely hurting the girl with the reply. This is because the guy is thinking "generally" about the question and the girl is "going somewhere" with the asking.

This also happens in reverse, but usually with things girls take for granted as being "general" which guys do not.

So for example, a guy might ask a girl what she did last night, knowing he had texted her asking her for a date or thinking he asked her for a date (he actually just texted "so, what are you up to") and the girl preceeds to describe a fantastic night out, which the guy feels hurt by because his text was unimportant to her.

So, basicly girls hurt guys and guys hurt girls all the time and 90% of those are through misunderstanding. Occasionally you meet someone miraculas who simply understands you, or someone with such common experiences you both naturally talk along same lines and so hurt less regularly occurs. Also, someone who has lived a "intense" life and has a lot of people experience can be more sensitive and spot these sub texts.

Secondly, when we hurt, we say the truths we have been hiding and not sharing because we love someone. We blurt out the things that have pained us and until that point we have not wished to mention them because we don't want to hurt the person. When we hurt, we feel, why am I hiding this, this person didn't bother not to hurt me? Usually, the other person has been SO bothering not to hurt us, and when we hurt them a flood of hurt happens.

[alexis4you]

Thank you for your input. :)

[avksx]

"Uncouth". Good post, though.

[DoggyDude]

Good question. I must add that when I said " we feel, why am I hiding this" its not a "concious" choice to hurt, but a subconsious thing. It takes great maturity to not be effected by being hurt. I am 33 and still consider myself to be "learning" to be emotionally adult in personal dealings of love and being hurt. Some people never grow up emotionally though, some people just repress it from childhood too (they never learn why, they just learn not to express anything negative)

[DoggyDude]

Avksx: Ok. lol. so jerk ;). I was trying to give guys the benifit of the very slim region of doubt about their motivations.

[Italo_DiscoFever]

Because 99.3% of men are emotionally retarded. That's all there is to it...just simple retardation.

Good Luck.

- Harvey D

[alexis4you]

HaHa!!! Harv! That's sooo true! :)

[DoggyDude]

Whilst I see the charms and compellingness of that explaination lol. I have to keep hoping its wrong to feel hope for the human race ;).

[Italo_DiscoFever]

No man I mean all men are not like this. Your Post was very detailed.

[DoggyDude]

Thanks :). Your comment is compelling and funny (and the points there), best answer deserved.

[The_Box]

Best answer is always a kiss up. 8)

[alexis4you]

Kiss up?

[The_Box]

"I am not trying to pick on men here" - Yeah, right. You picked the anti-male answer.

[airiver]

I love this answer! :-)

[Anonymous]

If everyone/ lot's of people, says that men are emotional challenged or whatever other thing that means the same, but that WOMAN, always get hurt, then WHY , is it NOT preferable to be emotionally challenged?

I am not saying this is a good solution, but the picture most often, painted of a guy & a girl in an emotional situation always ha the girl getting hurt, so why wold anyone not want to be emotionally stunted if it's the 'emotionally mature ' people who feel ALL the pain. YOu could say that DEEP DOWN guys hurt, but if they do not feel it the so what?

There is not a sad picture painted for the GUY even tho he is supposed to have a PROBLEM WITH INTIMACY or the like. The argument & the representation are not the same.

If I could choose between having lots of friends & not getting crushed by love , as apposed to feeling huge passion for some one that was going to be a big baby al the time, I'd rather have the emotional shallowness that allows for objectivity focus & not being overly sensitive.

Perhaps I should not say guys & girls but the 'stereotype' of guys & girls..

Really , who really WANTS to feel like someone else has such power over their emotions & such little power to be available?

[Starlight79]

I wish I knew, I wonder the same thing! However, my best guess is it's like the "grown up" (heavy quotes) version of a kid in grade school who likes you pulling on your hair, or whatever. Or, and this is why it can be so hurtful and confusing, like with anyone... maybe they just are kind of mean and hurting (not related to you) and they just lash out at people to make themselves feel better. This one really gets me because it's so not personal, but it really feels personal... it's hard to just accept that a guy you like (presumably) will be mean. But often times I've had guys say things that surprise me because I realize they see me, for example, as super intimidating, or like they THINK I think I'm hot shit, and don't realize I'm super shy or nervous or insecure haha. So then they are being mean or dumb to cut me down but have no clue that only THEY see me that way. Anyway... as always... human beings are F'd up. I say if the vibe is good, you can tell when someone is being stupid/blurty vs. deliberately a mean person. At least that's the best way I can cope! :P

[Inlineonline]

I agree with you 100%. Guys can hardly think in girl's perspective and just jump into conclusions... they THINK we think in certain ways but in fact can be truly opposite. So they react... react... react... it takes a true mature and socially/emotionally well versed man to hold on to prejudices... etc

[Anonymous]

i don't know. I think guys who do that are just mean people who don't care about other's feelings. I'm not gonna try to justify it by saying "oh that's how men are" because just because you have a penis doesn't mean you can't be a decent person. there is this guy that used to be really mean to me because I wasn't hott now all of a sudden he's trying to talk to me like nothing happened. I used to cry because of how hurtful he was and now he acts like nothing is wrong? I can't help but be bitter and bitchy to someone like that

[Opinion Owner]

Whoever gave me thumbs down is probably one of those asshole guys

[hesaysim2sexy]

some men insult women because they either want her but knows he don't stand a chance with her that's why he's picking on her. OR he is into her and he is acting like a clown to get her attention and he is too shy to tell her straight up hown she makes him feel weak in the knees! GUYS IF IM WRONG, IL BE DAMNED. LMAO!

[setcheck67]

Self-esteem issues, jerk attitude, pickup technique, or the favorite is blame. For self-esteem they say those things to you to make themselves feel more important. By insulting you they believe that they are better than you and believe it even more so when it greatly effects you. Some guys just have a jerk attitude and believe that the only way to make people listen to them or follow them is to insult or threaten them. Often times it is a pickup technique to get a girl off of her pedestal. Lower the girl don't to his level so she is easier to control and most often f***. My personal favorite however is blame. They blame you for not liking them and want to make you as miserable as you make them. The objective is to lose the feelings they have for you and replace them with anger. Much like how a drug abuser blames outside sources for the addiction. If a guy is at this point with you he wants nothing more then for every horrible and mean thing to happen to you. He wants you to wish you had never been born twice over. In some cases he even feels the need to kill/rape you as revenge for making him unhappy.

[theross]

well one thing I think this happens because guys don't know what they are saying is hurtful. girls read much deeper into what is said than most men. they also tend to be more sensitive. something I could say to a guy friend could come off 100% different to a woman. I think the best thing you can do is look for the intentions. and if something hurts you tell the guy and tell him why, so maybe he can learn something. If their just left in the dark its easier to do it again ha

sometimes though it's quite the opposite some people only feel big when they belittle someone. they don't feel good about themselves so they want you to feel bad about yourself. some guys are d***s and don't care about your feelings, and insulting you is the easiest way to create distance. If you find a well mannered good guy they won't try to deliberately hurt you.

[jack4567]

I definitely have to go with erockc31. I am not "emotionally retarded", but I am very playful and like to tease and make fun, most girls enjoy that and tease right back, it's fun and it shows they're self confident and secure and don't take themselves too seriously, but some girls just don't get it and they get offended and sometimes they start crying because they think I'm serious, it's just a HUGE warning sign of insecurity and immaturity when that happens.

tho I guess it depends on the situation, some guys probably are just emotional tards

[n0650149]

Agreed..when some guy says something retarded to me at a party or something, I just match him up with a come back..and its even better when he's around his friends, cause then it make him look retarded, and gives me confidence when his buds do there OH thing.. try that next time..it seriously works, and its empowering :)

[Anonymous]

it's because, especially when a guy is flirting with the girl, he will say something mean, in an attempt to disarm the girl and make her feel like "why is this guy being mean to me? Usually guys are all over me." which piques the girls interest and makes her feel as if he is not interested in her, when he actually is. This makes her feel more comfortable around him. It's a pick up technique called a neg. The goal is not to make the girl get upset and offended, though. If you are talking about genuinely mean things, then ignore my comment.

[disapointed]

I think you have a point. Because I often hear him tell others that he's not happy. But neither am I. We don't discuss anything in our lives. When I try to have a conversation or ask him about his day, it's either... It was ok, and for conversation he turns to his computer or gets on his phone.

[huntusa]

They say that type of stuff because they want to hurt you as much as they are hurt.It's just that men's anger is the obvious response if their feelings are hurt.So if you hear that type of crap from a guy next time then know that the guy is hurt big time.

[boomUser]

I had told my girlfriend of only three months that she was selfish and that she didn't know what love was. But I did not even know that would hurt her feelings. I was trying to spark up a discussion to let her know what love meant to me because she had told me she loved me but her actions didn't lead me to believe it. I know now that it was probably a mean thing to say but she took it way too seriously and overreacted teling me it was the most hurtful thing I could ever say to her. whaaat?! that isn't fair because that was not even close to my intentions...

[myspacemybroke]

So you're saying it's okay to say something hurtful out of pettiness, yet it's a sin when the reason isn't starkly obvious? Both genders have their moments, sometimes lifetimes, of being hurtful and saying mean things, but it's not just men... I can think of plenty of totally hurtful, uncalled for things said to me by woman, but you don't see me categorizing genders.

[airiver]

I agree with you. We can all be sh*ts!

[cjtheo]

some men are just naturally d***s...i do it all the time.

[erockc31]

Maybe you people here are over thinking this. Maybe he's being playful and goes too far.

[mrchosop]

Because a lot of guys are jerks...and the jerks seem to be attractive to a lot of women for some reason

[pghcrew]

Jerks have a lot of qualities women look for

[Starlight79]

@pghcrew Same reason a lot of guys seem to go for women who treat them like s*** and ignore them. I can't tell you how many men I know who pine ONLY for the "girl-equivalent" of jerks. It's not logical. Well, most things with love/lust are not logical :P It's rare a woman thinks "yay, he's a jerk, I'll keep liking him". The same way no man probably (consciously) thinks "yay, she's being a withholding bitch who ignores me... let me continue to pursue her!"... they just get sucked in. And/or it's exciting. Mostly we are drawn to people because of chemistry/old patterns, etc. and (at least in my experience and with my gal friends) we've put up with jerky behavior because we don't see it as jerky, it might feel familiar, like 'this is love' even if it's not healthy, or it catches us by surprise after we've become attached to someone who SEEMED to be wonderful, so it takes a long time to step back from it, or whatever.

[hallowman]

these guys that say these hurtful things do they ever seem drunk or sober...jw

[eyesha1]

A guy I loved and he wouldn't admit he had a woman. When i had enough! i said just leave me alone he told me its ok you gonna die a slow death! Thats beyond mean thats hurtful and scary @ the same damn time.. I was in tears...

[canadiansaint79]

i had a friend of mine get really angry at me..and all I did was take him off my friends list on xbox..i deleted him a few times before and he never got mad at me..said that was it haven't talked to him in a month he blocked me on xbox..

[here4you]

I think its to not hurt their ego

and to make themselves look and feel bigger/more masculine

[bunnybabez]

hey I'm sure guys pms too, they just had 2 let out their inner bitch

[Littletad]

Trust me, these men rarely get laid. If ever.

[Anonymous]

Yesh happened to me! he asked me if I always fell/ gave up under pressure. I couldn't even say anything back. grrrness

[quinner23x]

its cause they like you but can't hav u

[fairyfly]

Really? explain. I know a guy who does this 2 me. even his own friends are like wow he must b repressing something because you are the sweetest and did nothing 2 deserve his abuse. btw he knows I hav a crush on him but I am taken.

[The_Box]

It was an accident...<.<