If he calls you bro does that mean he doesn't see you as a potential romantic interest? Should I still confess my feelings for him?

[Anonymous]

I've been friends with this guy for over a year now and I've always thought he was attractive and personable. He liked me in the beginning but I never felt chemistry with him so I kept him at a distance as a friend. But now that we have been friends for over a year, I found I have feelings and I was getting ready to confess, however he called me dude through text before we met up yesterday. Then proceeded to keep calling me bro while we hung out yesterday. This made me nervous and so I never ended up confessing. Should I still confess? Or should I take the hint?

[btbc92]

Firstly are you two compatible? Do you know his sexual history? Does he want to get married, or not? Want kids or not? Have you seen his parents, has he seen yours? You need to ask and look at these things if not more before you decide to grow feelings for this guy. The thing is no, that doesn't mean he doesn't or won't. It is a CHOICE. Just like you growing feelings and accepting is a choice. Since you are the person who has these feelings, you need to tell him. Not give hints because men aren't mind readers. They don't know what you want unless you tell them. Otherwise, it is a guessing game and it may make him frustrated. There is no such thing as chemistry except the one you decide to make together. You can feel or believe there is a connection, but that can mean many things and it may not always been what you think or assume it is. That is why you have to explore for yourself, on your own and with people who have the wisdom to help you understand what that is. Until then, you should tell him and see what he says. Talk to him and don't be afraid of rejection or to communicate. That is the only way he would know.

[Asker]

I never planned to have feelings actually. That was not a choice lol We can choose who we date but we can't force a connection that is not there. When I first met him I really wanted to like him cuz he is HOT as hell and sweet but there was no spark, ya know? Now there is, which is strange. I just woke up one day and realized it.
As for your questions- We have a lot in common and our temperaments mesh well so yes we are compatible. I never get into sex with him so no clue lol And yeah he wants to get married but only after college and he has a good job which same here (still need to finish college).

[Asker]

also- about chemistry - it exists. some people you just always will have chemistry with so I disagree- i have broken up with my ex and I can say to this day no one has ever compared to him, sadly NO ONE. Not because he is better objectively speaking, but I can't help that what we had was undeniably a strong emotional connection that I haven't quite been able to find with anyone else.

[Asker]

some people may not need chemistry and settle for people they are compatible with but I can't do that. I need to feel both a strong mental and emotional pool otherwise it feels like im just dating a sibling

[btbc92]

Asker, it is very much a choice and I can tell you by experience when you have self-discipline and control you can. The problem is you do not sound like you have a reasonable reason to desire that kind of relationship with him and it is all surface level. It just sounds like sexual attraction but that is about it and infactuation. This doesn't really sound serious. And as I said, no, chemistry isn't what you think it is. It is not a feeling. It is a bond. But that bond has to come from true understanding of each other, otherwise, you can make it into anything. Compatibility have nothing to do with temperments. Compatibility is this:

1. Are you a virgin, is he a virgin? No. Not compatible.
2. Do you smoke? Does he? Not compatible.
3. Do you want a person who drinks? If no and he drinks, your not compatible.
4. Do you want a family? Does he?

You have to figure all of this out, that includes, where you want to go in life, what kinds of jobs you need and want, finances, your faith and spiritual beliefs, THESE are what held couples together. It is not feelings. It is what healthy couples and mature couples look at. Yes, you may want a mental and emotional bound but BE CAREFUL who you desire that WITH before you get hurt and create baggage. The first sign of problems was when you said he is HOT. That is a problem. Because that is all your going to be attracted by and everything else because secondary and nonexistant. You need to make sure, before you desire to take that step. Again it is not temperments. And if he doesn't want to get married now, and so do you. Should that really be your focus now?

[btbc92]

Remember. You already have an ex. Do you need more exes to wake up about what needs to be done? You don't need any more exes. Emotional bonds are not ENOUGH to hold a relationship NOR marriage. A marriage is sexual and you have obligations to meet. It is not fun and games all the time. He sounds like he is enough for a friend. But not somebody you may actually have that future with. This sounds like just a crush based on infatuation. But until you understand more, it is best to slow down and hold that thought for a moment until you get the answers you need.

Remember that you are not other people. You are YOU. For if you follow other people and there are no results that are done in the right way and Godly manner, they may fail in their relationships. Many are not serious and think it is fun and games and a joke. Somebody always gets hurt this way. Which why I told you to think about this. Because this is a rational and logical decision. I never dated, but I have experienced this very often much younger than you. And that is why I never followed what everybody did. You need more than just physical attraction to determine if that is the one person, not them all for a relationship. You only have but few chances at this. The older you get, the harder it becomes to find a stable partner. You need to make sure this is the 1 you will and want only in your life.

[Asker]

Actually the mechanisms behind chemistry are well documented. A common misconception is that chemistry is an unconscious decision, informed by a complex blend of criteria. But in reality, chemistry is not a decision at all but a profound emotional connection between individuals that they can sense and feel on a deeper level. Not everyone feels it, even with people they truly love. For instance my grandparents truly feel love for each other but they don't have intense chemistry-only rather lukewarm chemistry but are super compatible.

That is literally what I meant when I said we have a lot in common lol we both don't drink/do drugs, we both believe in waiting until marriage and so on. I just didn't go into detail but when I said we have a lot in common that is what I meant, among many more things. I can tell he would make a great fit for me- I do have some chemistry with him but not intense chemistry which I've begun to realize I may be single forever if I wait for it. But I miss having that feeling that is so intoxicating about someone that you truly get inspired to write music and poems for and always feel like you know what to say/can finish each other's sentences. I had that with my ex but he changed his mind about wanting kids someday for personal reasons and I really want kids.

[Asker]

Also you misunderstand me, I only said he was hot to MAKE IT CLEAR i do know that chemistry is not about looks. In fact I felt instant chemistry RIGHT AWAY with my ex and he was not what I am normally attracted to.

[btbc92]

You know how many times I was hopeful for a person and they say they don't want a religious prude because I refused sex before marriage and other things? How am I compatible with a person as a virgin who already had sex and sex with multiple people? Somebody who already believes the opposite as me but can't maintain 1 partner? You need to know the ins and out of that person enough to know if that is what you really want. Because again, remember, YOU have to make that choice and accept all of the GOOD and the BAD. That means! If you don't know if this person dealt with drugs for example and your date and marry him, you already accepted him. An abuser, you already accepted him. So again, I warn you now. Don't like yourself to be sway by how you feel and desire. Make sure it is exactly what you need and not just what you want. He can be the most cutest boy and the handsome person you find, but that doesn't always mean anything. Because if you can get with him because he is HOT, what's going to be when he's not? As you age, you don't always look the same. What if he doesn't like you anymore? You have to think about the future and make sure he really is that guy.

[btbc92]

I've experienced many things and hardships that's another reason why I stayed to myself while everybody else mocked and shamed me. Trust me, I am emotional, a feeler, emphatic, Highly sensitive, but I always follow my gut and use judgment. I had to be rational and logical with this because that is how this has always been. This feeling stuff is new but it is not practical and it can leave you disappointed. Not because he called you bro. That is a term of endearment anybody can use because they are comfortable with you. But you have to tell him so he can know how you feel and see if that is what he may be interested in. You never know unless you ask. But you don't date until you know if you're truly compatible. You need more than just personality and hobbies to get by in a relationship. Your not teens, your adults. Therefore you need to date like a serious adult if you expect to have that life of marriage one day. It starts now when you desire these things. Not later. Otherwise, those who are may think your just playing the field and that is not attractive to good men who is serious. You see how you say he wants to get married? Don't wait for the end of college to be serious. You never know what may happen. That is how my family got married. They married in college and work it out and now have great-grands of their own. But again, it is best to talk about it but not date until after college if marriage and such is what you want. You don't need distractions.

Because you don't want to date now in college, only to graduate with him being an ex.

[btbc92]

Asker, your not science. Your a human being. If you want to be serious, you don't focus on that science nonsnese. Leave that for statistics for premarital sex making your risk of divorce higher. Not chemistry. You make it or you don't. Either you have or you won't. That is a decision between you and him. They will tell you anything but they don't know you. You have to know yourself. I can feel all kinds of chemistry with people or guys, but that doesn't mean I am compatible with them. And they proved that when I questioned them when they told me they have crushes on me. Why do you think I have you that lists as an example? You're still young as a young woman. Like I said you already have 1 EX. You cannot afford it if you want to marry. Because of that same experience, you can feel that with anybody who gets close to you and have similarities. But that is because from what I am seeing, you lost those feelings for your ex. Because of personal desire and feelings. That isn't a good sign. Because once you start that that becomes a pattern. And that is how you get hurt. You have to be in control of your body, your body does not control you, I don't care what chemicals are at work, you have to learn to make informed decisions. You have to FORM a deep relationsip. Chemistry cannot do that for you. It is you who have to make that work between you and that person without trying to force an individual and it has to be mutual. But that doesn't mean it is what your daying. That is what we now call fantasy. That is not how that works in the real world.

[btbc92]

"For instance, my grandparents truly feel love for each other but they don't have intense chemistry-only rather lukewarm chemistry but are super compatible." Because that is not how that works. It's not about having or feeling. Love is not a feeling, it is an action. And it is a choice. You can feel the emotion of love, but love is only an emotion and it is based on what you choose to do. Yes, you may have a lot in common, but you still have to understand deeper than that. It is your choice to stay single. Again I am celibate and can tell you it is a choice. I am near 30. But singleness is better than making a costly mistake you may regret. It doesn't mean you're going to be single forever, but it is better to be smart than to rush like many of my friends have done, than to be single and with many exes and still can keep 1 partner. Because it has to do with you. Relationships are about the other person. I have friends who married at your age and have children and families of their own. And let me tell you, they did so knowing and having a deep and profound understanding of what needs to be done. Along with the blessing of God. I'm not telling you to not try. But to be wise about it.

As I said, you can feel that with anybody who has a particular soul or personality that is similar to your own. But not everyone will be your partner or lover. I had such a connection once with whom I thought was a friend. He pretended like I never existed. So be careful.

[Asker]

My ex and I were actually polar opposites (though we did like a lot of the same stuff). Maybe I am drawn immediately to people who are less like me? HMMM... But You make too many assumptions. I never once said chemistry was the marker of compatibility between two people. But there is nothing wrong with desiring it with someone you want to call home. And even with intense chemistry, it doesn't stay as intense as time goes on. But one cannot deny that it exists and you can't force it to be as intense as you want it to be, no matter how much you love someone. But a part of me just wants to be able to have the kind of relationship that I admire most from friends and friend's parents who have been together for years. They aren't perfect at all, but they had instant chemistry. You cannot force what is not there. I have grown to like this guy, a lot more than I ever thought I would. But he doesn't give me butterflies and I sometimes I get bored around him. There is no intense spark that gives me a twinkle in my eye and has people telling me "you're glowing" and keeps me up all night writing in my journal poetry and dancing alone because I can't contain myself, yearning for when I will see him next.

Also I never said we aren't human beings. We are, but that does not mean we can't study each other- that's how we have grown to understand a lot about how the body works, both the body and the mind. And it is understand that there are different levels of chemistry- be it emotional, physical, intellectual, mental, and so forth. Everyone has some to varying degrees with their partners but the kind of chemistry that is felt deeply is rare. But that all is not the point of my question-I'm just wondering if I should still confess my feelings for him and how. I am really nervous to do so.

[btbc92]

Asker, if this is how you want to live your life especially concerning in that area you you can go do that. But you're the one that has to be responsible for it since you don't want to think there's nothing wrong with it. Because remember you're the one that's responsible. Whatever goes wrong remember that's the choices you made. You can't blame nobody else is for those choices. Because it sounds like to me you looking for excitement than you are looking for a serious relationship.

[Asker]

No, I never said that. Clearly I want more than just that since I'm wanting to confess my feelings to this guy. You're twisting my words. It's like you're not even engaging with what I am saying and talking at me instead of listening to what I'm saying.

[Asker]

No, I never said that. Clearly I want more than just that since I'm wanting to confess my feelings to this guy. You're twisting my words. It's like you're not even engaging with what I am saying and talking at me instead of listening to what I'm saying. Also a serious relationship doesn't mean there can't be both that and excitement. I've known people married for over 30 years that had instant excitement.

[PurplePeopleEater91]

Absolutely TELL HIM. Listen, I have been in love with the same guy since I was 5 years old and just got the lady balls to finally make a move last year and come to find out it was mutual all along. Life is too fkn short so just go for it.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Go ahead and confess. If he liked you once he probs will again.

[Amoebaaa]

Don't confess... He sees you as a friend, it is obvious.