Said I like him a lot and want a relationship he said the same but is still holding back. Why?
He was super happy a little shocked to hear it (I think deep down he knew it). He has some issues about his financial situation but he's staring at me like "what is wrong with this girl".
Other times sneaking glances. The vibe isn't awkward or anything, it's still the same mellow but underlying tension.
Shy guys what makes you this way even after the red carpet has been rolled out and all the lights are green?
Updates
+1 y
So, everyone, my decision is that I will ignore this person. Thanks for your input. 💖
Updates
+1 y
So thankful for all the input. Went up to him today and asked him why he hadn't called. Said his financial situation isn't good. I said that's an excuse: if you don't want me just say so. He thanked me and said yes, I don't want you. So I guess he was just afraid to be direct and was just toying with me the entire time. I guess shy guys aren't all that nice!
Confessed to shy guy and he confessed back. But he's still not initiating anything. Why?
There ain't shit you can do. I've had the most lit up red carpet, balloons and fireworks and military jets fly by from the girl giving me the green light.
And I would still be shy. I grew up believing women fear men. We're all rapists and stalkers.
That's why I was shy mixed with social anxiety.
I didn't want to do something somehow that offends the girl. Maybe i go for a kiss and she isn't ready? What terrible thing will happen if I do so?
Knowing how to be with a girl is something you learn. If he doesn't know, he probably won't make any moves on you.
Lucky for me, I had enough girls just throw themselves at me that I ended up learning what to do and I became very confident in relationships.
I was still shy. But once we kiss, it's a done deal. Dominant masculine romantic leader me emerges the girl loves it.
He could be that guy, but it will take time for him to discover that guy. It's not easy girls lol. We aren't born perfect. A man must be made.
Many guysare chosen by girls at a young age. The unchosen guys become shy or incels or w/e. Lack of experience with women is a death sentence.
If he's shy you have to make the moves. Like girls did to me.
He can when he wants to. He knows who I am. He served the ball to me, I rallied back and he just doesn't know what to do with himself. So now I have to deal with stating and awkward vibes from him probably until I move or he finds a new job. Ugh.
Off the top of my head, it helps to find some excuse to go somewhere where it's just the two of you, and then if she just kind of sends the right signals and looks longingly at me without saying anything during a lul in the conversation. It sounds lame, but I guess I am super scared of doing something inappropriate, and I actually have been too forward on some occasions. It wasn't the end of the world, but I guess I have interlized this idea of me as a man being a disgusting creep or something and I don't want to make a woman mad or disgusted or be socially inappropriate.
To be clear, I think this is more about his own development, but yeah, the more you can lower the bar for him and facilitate him making a move, the better.
Being alone might help, plus just making the situation relaxed, maybe you're doing an activity together where you're in close proximity, like dancing or just sitting close talking.
I don't know why he isn't doing anything, but for me it's that fear that I'm not allowed to hit on her and who the hell do I think I am and WTF am I doing. So I do nothing. And it becomes awkward.
I can't convince myself that women actually want relationships or want me.
TBH so much of what you hear women say about men is negative (e. g. feminists) and it's hardly ever positive, so for me, I think I just internalized that.
@goatmeal don't even get me started in femnisim. But what you've said "who do i think i am" really resonates. He looks at me lkke "what is wring with her. Why does she like me". He wants me but thinks I am crazy for wanting to be with him.
Maybe it's ultimately simply a fear of rejection. That's my problem anyway. I'm afraid that when she looks behind the curtain or beneath the surface, she will ask for a refund :)
I dunno how you get past that. Maybe just reinforce him every time he makes the slightest hint of a move. If he gets a positive reaction, maybe he will get braver over time.
Ask for a refund. LOL. I feel like this too also. I am shy at heart but I believe in pushing through fear so Infight it and it seems like its all good but I'm terrified.
I did do that. When I respond positively he will get so shy.
Actually, he once ran away from me like I might as well have been chasing him with an axe.
I feel like the root of improving my confidence is really one thing.
At some point I decide to start testing boundaries or something like that.
I was always afraid to say anything wrong around a girl lest she think of me as some kind of creepy potential rapist lol. I would moderate every word and action around girls.
I couldnt be myselfwhatsoever. I couldnt ever express my real self around girls. How horrible is that?
I started to say and do the tiniest little infractions I felt like I could handle the consequences of.
And when I started to say and do those things I was afraid to do, suddenly it was like someone flipped a switch, and the girls were giving me attention.
And I started off as tiny as I could. I dont remember how exactly. But just one tiny toe over the line, that terrified me to put that toe out of line.
I was so scared to death of it. And just a tiny bit resulted in a complete and sudden 180 on girls and how they treated me.
And I guess that's what gives me confidence.
Because I know now, that the shit that pops into my head to say or do, I can just say or do it. Rather than monitoring everything and editing everything to be "female friendly" or something. As if, if I broke the rules, I'd be labeled a sex crazed man pig, and banished to the shadow realm lol.
So now I just say to girls whatever pops into my head. And they love it.
And its universal. Every woman does. Even line old ladies and shit lol.
And so I always work on just "being myself." I dont know if that is me. The first thought that pops up. Is that me? I dont know. But i just say it anyways, even though I'm afraid to. For fear of her reaction to my evil male brain and evil male words i spew.
I say it anyways, and girls reward me for it with attention and affection.
Thank you, @HiveBee. That was really well-explained. I like the idea of dipping your toes in the water. I have also found recently that it helps my interactions with other people to try to be myself more, instead of trying to do it "right". Also, a while back I tried to approach some women, and had an epiphany which is maybe super obvious, but was kind of a paradigm shift for me. I noticed that some women would seem bored and uninterested, but others would be sweet or even seem interested. And I guess I just realised that it's not like either no one is interested or everyone is. As long as some people are interested, that is fine.
Anyway, thanks a million for answering my question, this means a lot to me, and feels useful. Really thanks! Good luck out there.
@Goatmeal no problem! Qnd you're right about what you said.
Some girls will totally flake on you or not be the slightest bit interested. Others may make it so easy for you, you practically fell into her pussy lol.
The difficult part, is the fact that you have to be rejected again and again by girls to find one that likes you.
But even for guys who are great with women, and can get a new girl home practically every night. They get treated similarly by girls. Most will reject them, but not all.
Of course, I suppose you can increase your odds of success this way or that. I dont know. I'm no play boy lol. But still, the truth is right there. You have to keep trying.
Yeah, I confessed after I gave the gift. He was serious and right away said he liked me too but then started getting all into basically that he's broke and has problems in his living situation. I. e. he's poor. I know this. It isn't an issue for me.
So he's stares at me still. Looking at me like I'm from outer space or certifiably insane.
But on the flip side ahowing off his body. Not in a douchey way. Always subtle. Can't fathom him.
I agree with what other people have said here. He thinks he doesn't deserve you. You just need to reassure him and build up his confidence. I'm sorry if this is annoying, but you have to convince him that you actually do want him (and you're not just looking for a flirt or a fling.)
From what I can tell so far, he sounds like a serious guy, and he respects you and takes you seriously. You just need to convince him that you're serious about HIM.
The situation is not your fault. But you're the one who's going to have to fix it. That's just how these things work.
If a guy really wants you enough he will make the first move. You making the first move doesn't prove that he really wants it that bad, even if he spoke some words. A lot of shy guys will claim that this isn't true but, guess what, the world is full of guys who USED TO BE shy and they all changed when they met the right woman. So you can be the one he experimented on/just got with because she practically begged him or wait for a guy who really is into you. But if you don't care about any of the traditional ways at all and you want a guy who needs to be led/reminded that he's into you, babied about his role, go for it.
1
17 Reply
Asker
+1 y
No this is the culmination of a minths long thing. He mistered yo every ounce of courage he had to make a few moves in the past (poor thang) then I responded positively and he got all super shy again.
Okay, then it's now time for you to back off. You can't' do all/most of the work for him. My advice is that you don't get fixated on him either. Be open to finding the right guy. In fact, you being open to that may motivate the first guy to try harder too.
Re: your update... well, a traditional type guy wouldn't want to pursue a relationship when he's broke. That's not an excuse, just a firm requirement... kind of like some women wouldn't date if all of their hair fell out or they got full face acne all of a sudden.
So could go either way. Maybe he's shy and making an excuse or maybe he's really honest about the finances. I would never date when I didn't feel financially secure. Regardless of the real reason, you have to move on tho because he's not available/not the right time in his life.
Yes I think your last answer is the most accurate. I can't get to the bottom of it he doesn't want me to get to the bottom of it. It's obvious I recognized that he didn't have a lot of money. He makes a barely living wage at his job. I don't want him for his money I want him for his intelligence and his capability. He said to me already he was broke I gave him the number anyway I asked him how come you didn't call I have not once and then to his money. Are you so thick you can't realize that the girl doesn't give a crap about your money situation?
I said if you don't like me just say so. Not if you have no money just say so.
The same day I talked to this guy he started talking to all the people who sell stuff on the street like what do you guys do how much do you make this that and the third. Two weeks later he now is selling some on the street and people buy stuff and everything pretty much. He actually had some socks but I actually really like the socks and I bought them from him. To be looking purging and say oh I think that's a really good thing that you're doing. Maybe he thinks I think that's a bad thing but I'm from North America like if you're going to like take things in your own hands and hustle and do what you need to do regardless of what you're starting with I have complete respect for you. I don't care what you do as long as it's not like human trafficking or like you know child prostitution or something like that messed up like that. If he can't take a hint then I just can't be bothered.
Well, I didn't know he had a job.. that changes my opinion too. If he has a job and he knows you know his situation.. then he shouldn't have been worried about it so much. He's not confident yet -- but he probably will be when he is more financially secure. That's life. Sometimes people just aren't a good match.
Yes, bad match. We have very dofferent thinkings. I would be to risk-taking for him. I don't succumb to soceital norms while he seems beholden to them. We are on very different wavelengths. Very unfortunate attarction.
Not all men think the same way you know. There's guys who would happily live off you while they're broke. There's guys who never want to be within 100 miles of that situation. Or they don't want to look needy/helpless, whatever. Then you have different degrees on the spectrum between broke and stable. All types. It doesn't matter what the reason is tho. You know that.
A. He's shy and knowing you like him isn't going to make him less terrified of fucking this up.
And B. If his financial situation is kinda shit, he may not believe he's good enough for you.
I know I've been in this situation before.
Wanting to be with someone, knowing she likes you and trying your best to hide the fact that you aren't good enough yet and aren't ready to be the man she deserves.
I eventually worked up the courage to ask her out. Even though I didn't think I was ready I didn't think I'd get another chance if I waited.
I had basically fallen in love with this woman but because we weren't technically dating I thought my feelings twords her were inappropriate so I tried to play it cool.
I was still super nervous about trying to touch her or make any moves on her physically, so I took things way too slow and kinda just treated her like a friend on the first date.
She told me she was to busy to date me before I could set up a second date, but I kinda think she was sick of being treated like a bro or she saw something about me that made her realize I in fact wasn't good enough for her.
Please stop. all this cage fighting. It makes my whole being shudder. It's so violent and gruesome and awful. Could you stop? Please? For me. Anonymous asker on Gag.. please? I really do care.
Also, that is interesting about the cage fights. I've seen him handle two dudes and breaking up fights with fists flying in all directions and staring dudes down like I'm ready when you are bro. Then he would be utterly petrified of me.
Yes I would. I have a problem with all of those professional contact sports. The culture of ignoring self harm bothers me. Football, hockey, cafe fighting all that crap. Rethink it lovey.
We ain't getting out of this alive. Might as well do something you're proud of before you go.
I understand where you're coming from and at this point I don't expect you to understand, but I believe I've become a better man since I've started doing this.
I'm stronger and healthier. I'm more confident and have actually started making friends through this. (Something I could never really do before)
Hell, the first woman I fell in love with was someone I met at that gym. Sure it stung when she left but I'm still happy I met her.
Same as with women. He's shy, so it affects everything. He's likely never (if shy enough) or rarely to ever be an "initiator", just like a woman wouldn't be. And also a lot of times for a guy, finances could pay a part in that also if he can't afford to do anything with you.
1
5 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I'm financially stable. I can understand how he would feel self-conscious about that. Will it at all help if I'm upfront about the fact that money is not important? It's very obvious I know that has financial situation is not going to be flush. Or is this just something he has to get over himself?
It depends on the guy. Some will be ok/relieved if you offered, others are old fashioned and think it's "my job" to provide/pay and are uncomfortable with it. My suggestion, don't bring it up at all right now (until you get to know him more), just be the initiator. Ask him out. If he declines, ask why. Tell him it's "your treat". See what happens. It might just take a bit more time (and a few times of you initiating) for him to get more comfortable to do it himself. The shyness is still there. The first step helped for sure, but it won't be gone.
Time will tell what exactly is going on with him as it could be a few things. Maybe simple shyness, maybe his financial situation, maybe his self esteem is very low, or a combination of all 3. If it's self esteem especially, initiating will be hard for him period. But you'd have to get to know him better to find out.
So we're practicing Muslims. No kind of dating will be going on. I actually proposed to hom and he accepted. It's just moving forward with the contract and what not is him saying about hisnhouse and money and all that. I want him to just forget about that part and see if we are compatible in some other areas first in a way that's in accordance with our faith.
He still is always near me and glances at me with the same please come talk to me look.
Just feeling a bit off that he shyed away from that bit. He still showing the same level of interest but he's backing into his nervous self-conscious cycle again.
He might be stressed about his financial situation. That is a great source of stress for any man. He might not be very experienced, to the point of letting himself be all open with you.
Instead of posting here your question, you should talk to him and and tell him how you are feeling. Ask him if there is something going on.
We guys have certain patterns and have things in common, but every guy and person is different.
Tell him that you need him to open up and behave differently, in a kind way.
If he can't do it, then...
Good luck, you seem to be an interesting woman.
0
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
@Elvitto yes, he really enjoys talking to me. We are bith just really jittery to approach each other. A lot a lot of tension but once we are talking it all melts away and we are just in our conversation. He couldn't really look me in the eye before but now he does and I love that sleepy soft look they have when he's listening to me.
Anything I ask him he answers. So I guess he isn't game playing and what not he just needs me to come to him.
Well I already confessed, I guess I might as well just keep going...
he is worried he will embarass himself in front of you because he has financial problems. we still live in a world of stereotype that men should have money if they want to have the girlfriend.
1
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
So if I tell him I don't care... is it more about his mindset than my assurance
I think your best bet is to take things slow. Maybe touch his arm or do things like that occasionally while you are with him to get him more comfortable with you physically.
2
5 Reply
Asker
+1 y
If I ever go to speak to him I nwvwr go eight up to him. Always a bit back so that he has to approach me. He always speeds over towards me he's like totally really happy to see me and talk.
In the society I'm in, if you were to narrate the situation, given his socio-economic status being much lower compared to mine (i don't give a 💩 about this by the way) people would think that I was nuts for even being interested in him.
One of his friends for sure thinks so and looks at me like I'm an alien as if to say "you can't seriously like this guy". Given that fact you think that it's like kind of on me to keep showing that I'm serious and since it's implausible in his frame of reference that I should be intrested in him?
I would not say it is all “on you.” But since you have told each other you are attracted to each other, it is perfectly okay for you to initiate talking with him sometimes. Also, if the relationship is going to work in a culture with rigid class boundaries, you will have to sacrifice some social standing and might have to put up with disapproval from some people.
Yes. I see. To be fair, he initiatited for montjs butbI wasn't to convinced he was sincere sonI didn't reciprocate. Then when I did and was more forward he got less and less confident.
Uh... he's shy. ;) Also, it's tough to take a woman out and impress her if you have financial issues.
1
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I just want time and affection from him. Literally. I don't need his money. Good treatment and teaching me things is way more valuable to me than money.
I just need him to know this. It probably won't make a difference anyway...
For me personally, it's that women are so intense. It's so rare for me to meet a woman I can date casually and just be in the moment with. It's like they always have the wedding planned already, and you feel trapped.
I used to be a shy guy. But can't say much without knowing what's his situation. He might have things to settle down (you said some financial issues) first. So ask him, because you already asked him out. So you have the right to ask whats going on. He might have a good reason.
0
1 Reply
Asker
New+1 y
We're Muslims. This isn't a dating thing, so he feels he has nowhere to put me as his wife and I have kids who he clearly has a keen interest in. I didn't want to say because people get really ignorant on here. So the frame of reference isn't that marriage is this whole big deal. It's not psycho or clingy to be upfront and more honorable. I proposed to him is what it is and he said yes, LOL. The deal was just to call the man who will basically just vet him and ask around about him and in the culture I'm in he's shy to put hismelf forward being broke even though he said he's 100% down to get married.
Yes, I was expecting a rejection. Mind playing tricks. From what I've seen so fsr he needs time to process. He is still doing all the stuff he would do to get my attention but it's more low key and less showy.
I think he is a bit sensational. Likes thebups and downs of the intrigue. The mystery is gone a bit. Maybe he enjoyed that more...
I am not being upset or anything. Totally the same.
Do not expect other to do things you don't. Your back on equal grounds, take the next step or accept the state you are in. If it so clear to you what to do next, do it.
Your equal in the fact that you took a step forward and he matched it. If you don't like his lack of initiative then find someone else. He doesn't owe you anything. You can keep taking the first step and as long as he match it your progressing. You are just the leader who decides the pase.
Aaahhh. I get you. Ok that's positive. Yes, he matches my pace. If I ratchet it up real high he recoils a bit but he'll do stuff like leaving his work chair with my building concierge so when l go in and out of my bulding all weekend I will see it. He does subtle stuff.
I think there is a culture clash and introvert (him) extrovert (me) going on.
What is confidence in a woman to me may be brash to him based in the habits of the women in his culture.
It's a bit jarring for him.
He's tried to stop liking me out of his own fears but he can't. Me too.
I'm shy when it comes to being vulnerable in love.. he may not see it but I am mega going out of my comfort zone.
It's really only nerve wracking to approach but once we are together it's like so chill and easy.
Maybe he doesn't feel good because of his life situation. I can't really tell you what's going on inside his head though.
0
6 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Yes, it's that. He could totallynlive in my place but I would never put that out there yet because he would be offended. I know that much.
He may feel self cinscious about jumping up quite a few status levels in front of his friends.
The pressure and jealousy that may occur. His life would change A LOT if he got with me.
Yes you can't know what's in his head. Realistically no one can. These questions are just to field what the best course of action would be on probable scenarios mined from the collective experience.
I think a guy just has to feel comfortable dealing with his own life before he goes out with a girl because it's an additional responsibility and we feel like if our on life is a mess we can't take care of anyone else either. That's what it's like for me anyway :). Maybe just leav him for now and he will approach you when he feels ready.
@Lynx122 I disagree, man. That may be true for you but not for everyone. I'm 34 years old, and my life has certainly had it's ups and downs and twists and turns, but never once in my life have I ever not wanted love.
Its what I did.. I asked if I could kiss him we both expressed interest in each other he did first.. I did too then things were awkward like we didn't know what to talk about but we enjoyed being around eachother getting lost in each others eyes.. so I asked can I kiss you.. he said sure.. I gave him a peck he pulled me closer for an actual kiss.. he was happy when you showed interest.. a lot of guys thing girls just want money so he told you he has financial problems.. to divert you if you wanted money from him he's letting you know now.. he can't pay your way no big deal.. he wants to see if you still want him.. so he's showing interest but he's afraid of being rejected or losing you as a friend.. so just ask to kiss him worst thing he can say is no.
Well, I can't do anything about that really can I? I mean I don't really know how to be anymore sincere. I've shown who I am and what I'm about. Kissing him is NOT an option.
Most Helpful Opinions