If a man acquaintance modifies behavior that you responded negatively to, does he actually changed and loves you?

[Anonymous]

[caring__1]

Changes people make for others are often temporary and/or conditional. They'll change to get what they want, but generally revert back to their old familiar ways in time. Self motivated changes are more likely to endure over time.

[Asker]

Thank you.
I dont know if this changes anything but the behavior was that he was purposefully harassing/annoying me.

[caring__1]

You're welcome. Maybe his way to interact with people is to push buttons. Knowing you don't respond well to button pushing, he might hold back from pushing your buttons, in order to get you to accept him. Once he becomes comfortable in the relationship, he is likely to return to his familiar pattern of pushing buttons.

[Asker]

Thats sad. I figured maybe he would stop being annoying to me but annoy others who dont shut him out because of it. But you are saying he would probably keep doing it after I start talking to him again.

[caring__1]

If that's his familiar pattern, he'll find it hard to maintain a different face in only certain areas, especially when those areas are intimate. In other words, he may be on his best behavior at work or at church, but time in those areas is limited, and no vulnerability is required. I've only seen long-term change in individuals when the change was self-motivated and was for all areas of the person's life. This doesn't sound like a great investment.

[Asker]

Interesting. I heed your advice. I guess it was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that some people really go through life preferring to push people's buttons rather than be sweet and kind.

[caring__1]

It can be hard believing others are different from us, but we're just as different to them as they are to us. Always accept people as they are rather than see the potential you believe they have. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Choose to be happy, instead.

[Asker]

Thanks so much. You are so smart. May I inquire aa to whether you are happy?

[Asker]

as to*

[caring__1]

I am happy with the life I live. My dogs give me unconditional love. Unfortunately, I haven't found a woman who appreciates what I appreciate, and I'm not going to conform just to be in a relationship. I've learned from experience that settling to be in a relationship will never lead to positive results.

[Asker]

What do you appreciate?

[caring__1]

I appreciate tranquility; simple country farm-life; clear, open, honest communication; making the most of what we have rather than replacing every time something new comes out; simplicities; subtleties; natural; health & fitness... yet nothing to extreme.

[Asker]

That sounds so much like what i want! I think we are rare. Haha. I don't know why cause its so simple and makes sense to me. As for the country thing, i look forward to life there but i am from one of the biggest cities in the world. So for me that is more of a curious dream not something i can confidently say i would last in. Are you from the country?

[caring__1]

Yes, I live on 12 acres of land in northern Los Angeles County. There are people who do appreciate this lifestyle, but society promotes materialism, as that's what keeps big business growing. Too many people buy into that indoctrination, yet I've never met a materialistic person who was truly happy and content for more than moments at a time.

People who enter a relationship believing they're entitled to anything tend to end up bitter and resentful, when reality doesn't measure up to their fantasy. A healthy relationship is what two people choose to create and nurture together, savoring what is available without always focusing on what they believe should come.

There are city people who fantasize about living in the country. They buy homes out here, yet rarely last more than 2 years before they head back to the city. There are extra challenges and fewer conveniences out here, so they aren't prepared for that. They're not used to wild critters in their yard, and maintaining your own water, power, propane & septic can lead to expensive surprises. For instance, I have a new 10,000 gallon water tank being delivered on Monday. It's been leaking for over a year, and this was the quickest I could get one delivered. It's costing me $20,000. So, as you can see, simple isn't necessarily cheap. I do raise a lot of my food, but not everything can be predicted. One of my dogs was cooped up in the house recently, with a cone on, after somehow acquiring deep lacerations on her hips. She was ecstatic to be freed from confinement, so she immediately rolled in the dirt (changing her color) and then got herself a snack of horse manure that I acquire to compost for my plants. Not many people are open to living with these conditions.

[Asker]

I've found more real happiness when i have less.

I want an easy simple life and not materialistic. However like you said its hard to go from one extreme to another. I hope there's a middle ground cause the city is just horrible on so many levels. But i dont know how to drive even. If i did i probably would have left and moved somewhere saner by now.

You only know country life right?

[caring__1]

I've lived in the suburbs, by the beach, in the city, and finally in the country. I love the peace and quiet out here. Listening to the red-tailed hawks cry out as they soar overhead is very relaxing and hypnotic. It's better than any chemical high. It sure beats the helicopters and sirens of the city and the high humidity of the ocean. I'm hundreds of feet from any neighbor, so that beats the suburbs.

You can generally find country living on the edges of the suburbs. That also makes it close enough for the times you need to go to stores or want a night out. As soon as land starts rising into the foothills, property tends to get larger and more spread out. Looking at a topographical map of your area might give you an idea of where to explore.

Here's a site you can explore to learn more about living off the land and sharing with others who value the same: https://permies.com/

[Asker]

Thanks. I am just confused by what you mean, are you referring to communes?

[caring__1]

No, Permies is just full of information from vegetarian/vegan to recipes to farming to homesteading to building to environment to energy to animals to resources and anything else you can think of related to living off the land. It's a forum where people share their experiences or ask for help.

[Asker]

Oh okay thanks it might come in handy one day! Im actually partially vegan/vegetarian right now though.

[caring__1]

You're welcome.

[xiaolian]

I don't know about him but i think you feel less attracted now or have doubts about his love chause is changed.

[Asker]

Exact opposite. He is behaving better so I am interested.