Is it bad that I deliberately seek compassion and protection from women?

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of it stems from my school days, when I would get bullied, and it was often the girls who would stick up for me. I realized at a young age that recieving compassion and emotional support from women, makes me feel good. And this has continued into my 30s. Whether it's online or in real life, I find that I enjoy venting to women to receive compassion and emotional support. I often fantasize, especially when I meet a new woman that I form a strong bond with, that I'm getting bullied and she sticks up for me. Sometimes in imagination scenarios, or in real life scenarios where I wish she would have stuck up for me. And I'll lay there thinking about it, and start crying.

Honestly, I'm a sensitive guy and I do get hurt easily. But on rare occasions I may have exaggerated or embellished my story a little bit, but normally I don't have to. And regardless, my emotional reactions are genuine, though with my most recent ones I left out the part about me crying. But I still left in enough to get the kind of reaction I wanted.

I don't think I'm taking advantage of anyone, because it's not like I don't return the favor and I'm not technically forcing them to give me compensation, that's a genuine reaction from THEM. And these days, I pretty much only do it with women I'm close with. Though occasionally one will stick up for me in real life during an actual situation. Maybe it's a little pathetic because men are supposed to be tough, and that's why I am posting this annonymously, but I've also been betrayed so many times, that for me it's also a way for me to test their loyalty and how genuine they are.

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1 y

I've also been put down so much by my own family, especially my mother, that it's nice to have someone who won't judge me. The girl I am currently talking to, I enjoy venting to, because I recieve genuine compassion from her. I still don't feel comfortable enough to tell her that I cried, though I have before to other girls and even cried in front of them. I can still express about 90% of my feelings to her, because I know she'll be compassionate towards me and won't judge me or make fun of me

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1 y

I think maybe I have some self esteem issues too. And as much as I hated being bullied, I'll admit these days I kind of enjoy it to a certain point, because it gets me compassion from women. I'll admit, although I'm supposed to be the strong and brave one, and sometimes I can be, but I honestly kind of enjoy the feeling weak and helpless, and having a woman come to my rescue as my protector.

I don't know, what do you guys think of all of this.

[Curmudgeon]

I would say it IS bad, because you aren't getting "protection", you are getting pity. That was nice of those young ladies to stick up for you vs. the bullies, but no, they are not attracted to you and never will be attracted to you. Wait, you say you are over 30? (check your profile and edit).

"I've also been put down so much by my own family, especially my mother, that it's nice to have someone who won't judge me."

Having a berating bitch of a mother does set you back. It's even worse when you are bullied at school, only to get no support and succor on the home front either.

"The girl I am currently talking to, I enjoy venting to, because I receive genuine compassion from her. I still don't feel comfortable enough to tell her that I cried, though I have before to other girls and even cried in front of them. I can still express about 90% of my feelings to her, because I know she'll be compassionate towards me and won't judge me or make fun of me."

Well, I am glad you have a good friend, but understand that all you will ever be to her is just that.

[Asker]

I don't need for them to be attracted to me.
I've never talked to my mom about my bullying. I mentioned it briefly, but didn't bother giving the details. She feels entitled to know everything, but there are certain things I just don't feel comfortable sharing for various reasons.

She's actually gay, which is probably the only reason I don't expect more than a friendship from her.

[Pegases]

This is common behavior for men that had bad relationships with their mothers as children. Because you didn't receive the love you needed from your m as a kid, you seek a mother from women as an adult. Everyone that was missing something as a kid, subconsciously seeks it in the partners they choose as adults. That being said, no woman you date can be your mother. The way around this is to acknowledge that we all have an inner child even though we are now adults. You can still give your inner child love, by literally imagining the younger you and telling him what he wants to hear, and giving him the love he needs. This is a quick hack that psychologists use all the time with patients just like you. Lastly, therapy is a great way to overcome this need to want to be mothered by the when you date.

[Asker]

So you're saying that adults shouldn't vent their feelings?
She gave me love in the sense that she took care of me, but she also bullied me a lot, and basically told me I have no right to stick up for myself. She did the same thing with my dad. Everyone in the family sees she has this problem except her. She's extremely narcissistic. And family members who stood up to her are now the bad guys.
I'm just tired of hearing the same thing that I'm a loser, that I'm a retard, that I'm fat, that no girl will ever want me, that I have a mental illness because of the foods I like and don't like, that I have anger issues, that I should stop stuttering, talking loud and being shy. There's only so much of that a person can take, but when I have enough and stick up for myself, she tells me I have mental issues.
She should look at herself before criticizing others, but no, she is perfect and everyone else is the problem. She's never been able to accept me the way I am, and she thinks all the good stuff she's done for me cancels out the years of insults and bullying. She's never understood me. I don't bother to tell her about my issues unless it's some serious shit, because she'll just use it against me. SHE'S the one who has issues, because she thinks everyone should do things HER way! Okay like, when we go on vacation she'll literally bitch at me because I can't get by without a hot breakfast, but she'll run around the city for an hour looking for fucking coffee then says, "That's different because her habits are normal." She always finds justification for HER behavior.

The few days she was in the hospital, were some of the most stress free I've ever been

[Pegases]

Bro, I'm saying women can't handle all of this, only you can, and a therapist. Relationships are not supposed to be chores, they're suppose to be fun and loving. When you bring your past bagge into the relationship, your asking for someone else to do the mental work with you, and that's a lot to ask. It's no different than a woman with a promiscuos past asking you to help her heal from her past. It deosnt work. Hope that makes sense.

[Asker]

I disagree with you. Couples and true friends should be emotionally supportive of eachother. But I also know that some women don't like that.
I don't need a fucking therapist, who's only "helping" because she's getting paid. I need a friend who genuinely cares.

[Pegases]

Lol you need a therapist, but you're not alone. The best thing you can do is acknowledge that there might be solutions that you've never considered before. Thinking you know everything is the best way to stunt your own growth. Try to be more open minded. Best of luck to you.

[Asker]

I'm done with this conversation

[Guy13]

Momma's Boy never grew up is what most people including women will think.

[Asker]

That's actually very true, but she's not judging me for it. So maybe I'm not boyfriend material, but for just a friend, I think it's fine.

[Guy13]

That makes sense as it is often easier to get emotionally fed from a friend given friend is just friend and not sleep with party.

[Asker]

She might sleep and party with you, but I understand what you mean. Most women want the man to be the protector, but if it's just a friend, they might not care that much.
But it's not like she hasn't reached out to me in HER time of need