Is it normal for men to get vicious and call you things like slut or whore when they are jealous?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been with this guy for 7 years now on and off. We had just got back together and things were going fine. We are both senior execs in different companies so he knows I travel a lot for work. It was my birthday and I had to be in NY for a business gala thing. A guy friend of mine who I’ve talked to once in the past but who I realized I wasn’t interested in messaged me happy birthday and wanted to hang out. I let my guy know everything and asked if he was comfortable with me meeting up with him and that it was fine either way. He said for me to do what I thought was best but then ignored me. I ended up meeting up for dinner with him but took a friend with me to buffer. I was dressed apropriately and didn’t flirt but he messaged the next day and wanted to come to my room etc but I said no. When my guy finally stopped ignoring me, we got back to normal and he said he’d just been busy and asked how it went. I told him what happened and suddenly it went 0-100. He said he knew I’d meet up with my friend and that I likely did something for him to proposition me. He said I kept wasting my time on people like that and called me a whore and lemon car.. he also said he figured that guy would slip something in my drink or that I’d eff my friend and he kind of hoped it happened so he could confirm I was defective. He laughed and said at least now he knew he would never marry me. He was incredibly cruel and said everything to try and hurt me. He has never called me a whore before but he has said slut once in the past when he got jealous. Is this justified? Did I do something that horrible? Is this normal? Sorry, just really upset and trying to make sense of it all.

Yes, this is normal and justified behavior

No, this is not normal or justified behavior

[RACSKC0B]

If he didn't want you to go meet dude, then he should have expressed that when you asked. He is most likely projecting either his guilt for things you may have no idea he's done in your absence, or his insecurities. Either way it's mostly meant to hurt you, before you hurry him. Even though you telling him about everything should have strongly suggested you weren't omitting anything that he should have a problem with. (I understand that guys are shitty people, and you having a boyfriend likely wouldn't have mattered to the other guy at all. That he probably would have made advances anyways, and to disclose that to your boyfriend would have probably made this reaction seen mild by comparison. So most likely you would have told him everything minus him hitting on you to avoid that.)
That said, guys are shitty, insecure, jealous, poor communicators, who behave like children at least into their 30s. If you intend to get married, have kids, etc... He's just told you everything you needed to know. It's in your best interest to quietly make plans to move into your own place if you can (or at least not coehabitat with him), and separate as clearly and quickly as you can. Good luck, you can do better, the bar isn't very high from the sound of it.

[Honest-Matt]

Honestly he's either an insecure asshole, an asshole, some narcissism sprinkled in there somewhere, or trying to make an excuse to rid himself of you. There's literally noooo effing reason to speak to anyone like that based on the events that happened. If you think it's in your best interest to salvage things with this guy because maybe you see a happy marriage or something then tell him how uncalled for his comments were and remind him that he said he was okay with it and to change his mind after is disappointing for you. Don't use any wording that attacks or berates him, just express your disappointment in him because you expected and deserved better. It'll be a shitshow either way you go about it tbh.

[Asker]

Thanks, I accidentally allowed some emotion to impact my response.. it just felt like he couldn’t respect me if he was capable of saying these kinds of things. And I’m a virgin so I don’t understand where the whore comment comes from but I’ll try to talk to him and focus on how his actions disappointed me. I appreciate the advice.

[Anonymous]

He definitely shouldn't have snapped the way he did and he's completely overreacting, but I understand what brought him to this conclusion. Apparently, you have no clue about the signals you're sending, even though it's not your intention to send those signals. You essentially went out on a date and you dont even realise it; THAT'S why he's so mad. I'm gonna guess this isn't the first time something like this has happened too. He's probably got a ton of bottled up thoughts, stress and insecurity about your relationship. Going out with a guy who clearly is into you, even as friends, might as well have spoon fed crack to that insecurity monster he's carrying.

He's a seems like a manic dick, but even a normal healthy person would have at least a raised eyebrow to your actions

[Asker]

Is it really considered a date if I took a friend with me and he didn’t pay? I can understand why it may make someone jealous but I let him know in advance and said I wouldn’t go if it made him uncomfortable.. he said okay but then later said he didn’t expect I’d take it that far and go to dinner and that he had wanted me to choose to show my worth.

[Opinion Owner]

It wasn't a real date because you said you have no romantic interest in this guy, but based on the messages you got from the other guy afterward, he saw this differenty than you do. Saying you brought a friend just sounds like an excuse. I'm assuming you're being honest, but someone suspicious of infidelity will probably assume that's a lie, esspecially since you were out of state on business. Like I said, I'm not saying his actions are justified, but I can understand why he feels that way.

If he went out of state and out to dinner with a former flame, swears his intentions were pure, but starts getting provocative messages the next day from the woman, that wouldn't make you suspicious?

Again, I'm not saying it justifies his insecure outburst, but I think most people would find that at least a little weird

[Asker]

Thanks, your insight helps me understand his perspective and reaction a little better. I try really hard to remove emotions from the situation but sometimes it can be difficult.

[Opinion Owner]

Sure. Still though, dont let him speak to you that way. there's never a need to throw a tantrum

[Anonymous]

my situation was sort of the same and sort of different. the woman i love had business meetings in NY both last year and this year and I went there to see her and support her. she never met up with me even when i offered to buy dinner. I wasn't expecting anything and never once asked her which hotel she was staying at and certainly never asked her which room she was staying in because i didn't want to invade her privacy. Reading your post just brings back a lot of hurt especially knowing it was the third and forth time i traveled to see her just to get stood up. second time got stood up. first and forth time saw each other but she never bothered even saying hi to me or even gave a shit. it just hurts a lot how she treated me. i traveled hundreds and sometimes even thousands of miles for her and that's what happened get treated like shit

[Philyouup]

Incels and mgtow and misogynist sure. Real men, no.

[Asker]

How would you have felt if your significant other did this?

[SunnyHeythere]

You have issues yourself which based on prejudice

[Philyouup]

asker, mine did, she was vicious and callus and she was the one cheating.

Sunny, i am not sure why your so hostile to me? i think anyone who does what the asker was talking about is a horrible things.

[SunnyHeythere]

I disagree

[Asker]

Phil, sorry to hear you’ve also been on the receiving end of this. I would ignore Sunny, they seem to be a troll — either internalized misogyny or one of the mgtow you mentioned pretending to be a woman based on some of the other questions and responses I’ve seen on their profile.

[SunnyHeythere]

You have serious issues

[Philyouup]

i’m not sure what’s up with Sunny. but i will say men who act as you described are horrible.

[TroyDT]

Common, but not normal or justified.

[SunnyHeythere]

Yeah

[Asker]

Yeah to this being normal or to his behavior being justified in this scenario?