What does it mean guy says to a girl ” I don’t want to waste time” while dumping her?

[Anonymous]

We did have some arguments/ differences and I was late for our first date ( I wasn’t late on purpose). Then after that he said on a phone call that he’s looking for a wife and he doesn’t want to waste time? He also said during our date he felt us being distant.

I guess he never liked me.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well the "I don't want to waste time" specifically, meant:

"Since I am looking for a wife, I feel it's a waste of time to continue seeing someone once it seems clear to me, that they are not suited to become my eventual wife."

The "wasting time" was in reference to time he should/could devote towards finding someone who (he thinks) he might want to eventually marry. So that particular part of what he said doesn't change anything fundamentally about "your take-away" from this conversation. It's just a bit of a dick-thing-to-say. It's not really necessary for him to have mentioned that while breaking up with you. I'm sure he didn't say it thinking it was unnecessary. It's "true" from his perspective... it just didn't need to be voiced. But at the end of the day, it doesn't really make a difference to his overall message.

I don't think you're right about him never having liked you. This guy wouldn't ever have "wasted" any time on you at all, if he didn't like you. He did. Then that evidently changed. But, honestly, a guy who decides you're wasting his time after one date, is probably not an ideal guy anyway. Because he DID like you. If that changed so quickly, and for such minor reasons... that's maybe a sign that this guy isn't all that great.

[Asker]

I was getting frustrated with him during texting because we were only texting for months before we actually met. I was couple times kinda upset with me or he was upset with because he misunderstood what I said. We finally met but I was still kinda upset about him rescheduling our first date. He said that he was sick and he didn’t text me for 6 days before that text where he rescheduled our date. I let him know that it bothered me. In between that and our first date I really didn’t text him and he didn’t text me either. He texted the day we were supposed to meet ( he confirmed our date time). I was late 40 minutes. After that he said those things that I wrote.

[Asker]

He said that we didn’t understand each other during texting (there were times were I was getting frustrated with and there were sole misunderstandings from both sides) and that we understood better in person but in a distant way.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, to be honest it does sound like you two maybe didn't 'click' all that well with so many misunderstandings/disagreements so early-on. I wouldn't think that being late for the date, in particular was a deciding factor for him. I'm sure it might have contributed to his decision... but it sounds like he was basically saying: "It looks like we might not be right for each other" after giving things a shot in-person. (where he thought you connected better... but still didn't connect very well for all that).

That... seems pretty reasonable from everything you've mentioned. It sounds like maybe you WEREN'T very right for each other (although you may not see it that way right now)

[Asker]

I told him” I think the problem was us just texting for so long”
Him” yeah, maybe if we had met sooner….”

[SteveSmith1985]

That very-well might be a part of it. But I don't think it's a situation where everything would have worked-out if only you had met earlier. I think that's really not an accurate way to look at this. So, by all means take the lesson: "I don't want to spend months texting a guy before meeting in person" from this whole experience. That makes sense. But I don't think it's right to look at this as "a guy who would have worked-out great if only we hadn't waited so long before meeting"

[Asker]

But why did he agree with me? Was he regretful that he didn’t ask me out sooner?

[SteveSmith1985]

Honestly... that's really difficult to judge. It could be that he genuinely agrees with you, and sincerely regrets not having asked you out sooner.

But... it also could very easily just be a 'meaningless agreement'. As in... it's just 'the proscribed, polite reply in the situation'.

So you have a situation where a guy has just dumped a girl. That girl says "I think the problem was we texted so long"

(or, for example, that girl might equally say: "I think the problem was that we had that one disagreement about...*whatever*")

The polite and socially prosctribed thing for him to do, would be to agree with whatever it is you just said you thought the problem was. Since he has already decided to end things... it doesn't really matter whether he agrees with you or not... it makes sense to agree regardless.

What other option does someone have in his situation? He isn't about to start debating with you about whether or not what you just said would have made a difference or not. That's... an argument anyone would avoid (in this situation and context).

So, I truly and honestly don't know to what extent he is being sincere in agreeing with you about that.

But... it doesn't even matter whether or not he was sincere about that. Since it's going to be YOU who has to decide what 'lessons' to take from this whole experience... he doesn't have to agree with your hypothesis (that taking too long before meeting was a key problem contributing to things not working out).

I think that it's entirely possible that you're right. I think it makes sense for you to take the lesson with you into your future relationships. But since the one with this particular guy is over... it doesn't matter if HE agrees that this was the reason things didn't work out. Its an equally valid belief for you to hold whether he agrees with it or not.

[Asker]

Is it possible he changes his mind after some time?

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm afraid I really can't possibly know that. But... I think you should definitely assume that he WON'T change his mind.

Not unless you have some reason to think his mind might change.

Like, if you two are still talking regularily, and he seems open to the possibility of "working things out"... then sure, go for it.

But it sounds like this was more of a straight break-up. (I could totally be wrong about that)

Are you guys still talking?

[Asker]

No. I tried to text him aftet that twice “. First time we had friendly conversation. Second time he was dry and short with me. He left my last text that was on question on delivered and after that I went no contact.

[Asker]

by the way what straight breakup means?

[SteveSmith1985]

oh I just meant a "regular full breakup" by "straight-breakup".

And it sounds like this was indeed one of those. What that means is, that the other person intends to end things, and isn't open to changing their mind about it.

It's breaking up with someone in the sense of: "I wish you all the best, sorry things didn't work-out with us. Have a nice life, I hope you find the right person for you... because that person definitely isn't me".

It's meant as a 'final' breakup

(as opposed to a sitation where a couple has a fight/disagreement and breaks up... but... only because people are angry/hurt... both people eventually want to talk and hope to work things out and get back together... so those situations are not REALLY a "straight-breakup.")

[Asker]

Yeah it felt final. But is it possible for him to change his mind even after that?

[SteveSmith1985]

No. (I mean... I guess anything is possible. But definitely assume "no")

[Asker]

I don't know kinda hope that he misses me…

[SteveSmith1985]

That is 100% all normal and fine. In fact it's a good sign. It means that you haven't had your confidence temporarily destroyed by the breakup. The fact that you hope he misses you, indicates that you have not lost sight of the "value you bring to a partner." That, again is a good thing. It means it will be much easier for you to "move on" from this.

As long as it's a HOPE that he misses you... you're all good.

You only get into trouble if you go from HOPING he misses you, to actually convincing yourself that he must.

As long as you're fully accepting of the reality of things being over. Completely and finally. There's no problem at all, with hoping he misses you.

[Asker]

by the way My friends told me that he hide all his facebook posts and pictures which not like him. In November he deleted his Instagram account for a month and facebook for 2 weeks before he reactivated them again at the start of December. I don't know if this signs that he’s depressed or something

[SteveSmith1985]

I don't have a clue what (if anything) that all means. But I don't see any reason to think it means that he's depressed. I don't think there's anything to read into that without asking him. there could be a million very different reasons a person might do that. Without him telling you, it's impossible to even guess.

[nitsuj86]

I wouldn't take it personally. Sounds like he is out there looking for someone to marry. For whatever reason, you don't fit that. Sounds like he was actually pretty nice about it honestly. He didn't waste your time/emotions when he knew it wasn't going to work.

I know that might suck if you like him. But just keep in mind, there are plenty of guys that would probably love to be with you, but you don't see them in that way. Love isn't always a two-way street. Sometimes you like someone that has no interest in you. That isn't their fault really, you can't force someone to like you. That's the whole point of dating.

If you are curious, you could ask what specifically what he didn't like about you, might be a good insight into how men perceive you. Especially if he's the type of guy you really like.

I doubt you would get an honest answer, no one wants to hurt someones feeling by saying they aren't attractive enough, etc. But if he does tell you, don't get angry, just thank him and move on. If you think the critique is valid, then maybe you can work to change something, if not, then just on to the next guy.

[Asker]

I told him” I think the problem was us just texting for so long”
Him” yeah, maybe if we had met sooner….”

[Asker]

I was getting frustrated with him during texting because we were only texting for months before we actually met. I was couple times kinda upset with me or he was upset with because he misunderstood what I said. We finally met but I was still kinda upset about him rescheduling our first date. He said that he was sick and he didn’t text me for 6 days before that text where he rescheduled our date. I let him know that it bothered me. In between that and our first date I really didn’t text him and he didn’t text me either. He texted the day we were supposed to meet ( he confirmed our date time). I was late 40 minutes. After that he said those things that I wrote.

[Asker]

He actually did waste my time

[nitsuj86]

I see. Well from what I can gather. There could be 2 things happening here:

1. You texted for so long because he wasn't that interested in you, to begin with. You were one of many girls he was texting with. Seeing who he should go after, who he liked the most. Maybe you stuck around long enough to where he felt guilty or like he should give it a shot anyway. Then he met up with you, and you were mad at him, and he didn't feel like putting in the effort to fix it, because he didn't care enough, to begin with.

Most guys, if they really like a girl, would not wait months to see them if they are close enough. He would have arranged it sooner if he was serious unless he is super shy.

2. He really was busy, and had trouble getting to you for whatever reason. Then when you did meet you acted the way you did, and he probably thought. "If she is acting like this now when I am just meeting her, imagine how it will be dating this woman, or married to this woman. A constant headache".

So he just said his goodbyes and went on to the next woman. I mean not to sound harsh, but you just texted, he doesn't owe you anything. The first date is when you are seeing if you like each other and if you are being rude or angry with him. Why would he want to see you again? If you were that mad, then don't go on the date. Don't show up to make him feel bad about not asking you soon enough.

If you liked him, you should have let it slide and seen how the night went. Then you could have asked later if you really wanted to let him know it hurt you. But instead, you wanted him to feel sorry, to "make it up to you". And he felt it wasn't worth the effort. Pretty simple.

[Asker]

by the way he said to me that during the date we understood each other better but in a distant way… how would you interpret that?

[nitsuj86]

Would you rather have had him date you for 6 months, and then break up with you? Or text for a few days and say you aren't what he's looking for?

Have you ever broken up with someone you have dated for longer than a few days? Did you not "waste" their time?

[nitsuj86]

Even if you texted for a few months. You never met, you didn't actually have any relationship. He never said I'm your boyfriend. It's hard to waste someone's time when you aren't actually with them. Sounds like you wasted your own time. I would say the same thing to a guy.

[nitsuj86]

Sounds like you guys communicated better over text. When you met in person, it wasn't the same.

[Asker]

He said that we didn’t understand each other during texting (there were times were I was getting frustrated with and there were sole misunderstandings from both sides) and that we understood better in person but in a distant way.

[nitsuj86]

I don't know honestly. But I think he has made it pretty clear though. He doesn't like you. So really you are just torturing yourself wondering why. And you probably will never know.

I have been rejected before. I have been in love before. Believe me, I know it sucks. But the more time you spend agonizing over the harder it is going to be to find someone who really likes you.

So what, it didn't work out. If you were the one who felt this way would you want him texting you? Looking for an explanation? Asking you to tell him what he can do so he can date you? It's pathetic. And I say that as someone who has done it and learned from my mistake.

If you have to ask someone why they don't want to be with you, then you have already lost. Degrading yourself by begging will not improve your chances, it just makes you look desperate and it's never attractive. Move on, find someone that does the things you like, and be with them.

Stop worrying about why some people might not like you.

[nitsuj86]

Also, it says you are in your 30's. You should be able to handle this by now in your life. Some guy not wanting to date you when you went on one date shouldn't be that big of a deal. You need to work on your rejection skills.

[Asker]

I’m not reaching out to him. I just wanted to know what he meant by that we understood each other in a “distant” way

[nitsuj86]

Block his number and move on. Out of sight, out of mind. Even if you get the answer, you will probably have more questions after that. You are just trying to keep him around. Purge all of his info from your phone. Be done with it.

[Asker]

Calm down

[LazerBean]

It means that for whatever reason he just knows it isn't going to work out with you, so he does not want to continue investing time in you for no reason.

[Asker]

Isn’t it quite harsh thing to say? Like he literally said that to me after texting for months

[LazerBean]

Should he have ghosted you instead?

[Asker]

He told me those things after I wanted answers.

[Asker]

He literally wasted my time when we texted for months before first date.

[LazerBean]

So you asked and now you're complaining about his answer? That makes no sense. Also texting plus a date is what it took for him to get to know enough about you to know that he doesn't want you, so that also doesn't make sense.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s why I’m kinda upset. He said that based on pur texts conversation he thinks we don’t understand each other. Tbh I was frustrated the more we were just texting. I told him” I think the problem was us just texting for so long”
Him” yeah, maybe if we had met sooner….”

[LazerBean]

Meeting sooner would not have helped. Y'all should have called it quits a couple months sooner is all.

[Asker]

Why did he said then” maybe if we’ve met sooner…”

[LazerBean]

I don't know, maybe he was just trying to be nice

[Asker]

Lol I don’t think he would said that just to be nice.

[LazerBean]

Well I mean he was just going to not tell you that he thinks you're a waste of time to be nice, until you asked.

[Asker]

Why did he said then” maybe if we’ve met sooner…” Im sure he noticed I was irritated at him because we texted for so long and that he didn’t ask me out sooner

[Asker]

Also how can I be waste of time? I didn’t force him to text with me or meet me. Maybe he thought I’m not serious about him…

[DaveJord]

So, if it was just a first date... that means you are unimpressive to him. If you can't get your shit together and be on time to your first date, that means you are not really all that invest in the process or that you are not all that interested in him, or that your kind of a mess.

I can't say he dumped you; I mean you only had one date. But at least he is being honest with you and not leading on. So, what does that mean?

Well, I hate to sound like an asshole, but it means he was so disinterested in you after meeting you that he does not even want to put out the energy to even try to work towards having sex with you before breaking it off. It is not good honestly, you didn't vibe with him on any level at all... emotionally, physically or even as a friend.

I hope you didn't have sex with him anyway, then that means he just used you and was totally unimpressed.

[Asker]

So are you saying that me being late was the reason he didn’t want to see me again?

[Asker]

We’re muslims we don’t have sex before marriage

[DaveJord]

I am saying whatever the issue was for him, he was not impressed with you.

[BeyondBirthday]

He is just seeing you as a hassle at this point.
The arguing over petty things, finally meeting up and then you were almost an hour late late. He just thinks it isn't worth the effort. You were probably having an attitude over the other stuff from before on the date, after you were almost an hour late. Those kind of things are a turn off for men.

[Asker]

Is it possible he changes his mind?

[BeyondBirthday]

Possibly, but if he is already annoyed at you at this point I doubt it will work out.

[Asker]

I meant after sometime

[BeyondBirthday]

Do you two have arguments often?

[Asker]

When he called it quits he seemed pretty mad (he denied it). I was getting irritated and be got irritated too. He also seems the sensitive type too. I wouldn’t say we had arguments often but they happened before the first date and it made me tbh more distant

[AviatorTom]

He's being overly blunt... and sees no future for a relationship with you.

Just remember that this is no way your fault. It's very common for two people to click.

[Asker]

I feel like he was stringing me along because we were texting for months before we met

[AviatorTom]

That should be "uncommon for two people to click"

[Nomina]

Was that all on the first date?

[Asker]

What was all on the first date?

[Nomina]

The arguments and differences, being late and his saying that it felt distant between you?
I'm having trouble understanding a timeline

[Asker]

I was getting frustrated with him during texting because we were only texting for months before we actually met. I was couple times kinda upset with me or he was upset with because he misunderstood what I said. We finally met but I was still kinda upset about him rescheduling our first date. He said that he was sick and he didn’t text me for 6 days before that text where he rescheduled our date. I let him know that it bothered me. In between that and our first date I really didn’t text him and he didn’t text me either. He texted the day we were supposed to meet ( he confirmed our date time). I was late 40 minutes. After that he said those things that I wrote.

[Asker]

I was upset with him*

[Nomina]

Hmmm. To answer the question, sounds like he wanted something very specific for a wife and you didn't meet whatever those standards were. But to be honest, from what you described here, it sounded very hasty. You went from texting to in-real-life interaction and it's always very different. And doesn't seem like he stuck around to really let it grow or get a feel for it.

And I don't know what you argued about and whatnot, but again from what described here, he sounds high maintenance and a bit unrealistic. I don't know.

[Asker]

Do you think it’s possible for him to regret treating me like that and want to talk again?

[Nomina]

I wouldn't know, I'm sorry.