Me and this guy are in a situation, did I reply to him the right way?

[Anonymous]

[ShiftingMonke]

I dont think so, but only at the end.. he shared more with you than I think most men normally would, and you were understanding and supportive.. but expecting an answer from him on where the relationship stands, especially right after you've told him you understand, makes it look like you don't want to waste your time if he's not willing to be 100% with you right now. Even sending that last part as a separate message would've looked better, as it is a separate thought and resides outside your concern for his mental state, if that makes sense.

[Asker]

I understand where you are coming from but at the same time, a lot of people try to hide their true intentions through their mental health issues. I’m giving him the option of saying “hey this isn’t what I’m looking for” if he is hiding his disinterest through that

[Asker]

And yes I’ll be there for him, but I also have needs to. It’s unfair for him to tell me he wanted a relationship in the beginning and then he slowly vanish. So I am basically saying I’ll be there for his depression but yes at the end of the day I’m looking for a partner too

[ShiftingMonke]

Responding to both, I won't disagree that mental health issues are used to cover otherwise inappropriate behavior or mentalities, since it's not socially acceptable to question their legitimacy. It's just part of the minefield of modern dating, for better or worse. I'm glad you're offering to be there for him though, and even if he truly is facing a low point in his headspace, I'd ask this- would a few days of silence from him really derail what emotional investment you've got into him? If so, then it would seem a lost cause anyway. If not, then it would seem rather eager of you to reject him outright to seek another suitor. Without knowing his dating history or anything else about him, it's entirely possible that he is trying to find his own place in his own world, let alone his place in yours. For better or worse, he's an active player in his own life and an overwhelming majority of the effort that goes into a relationship- especially in the early days- is finding a stable orbit around each other. You can't force it or nail it down. All that aside, if he does have a habit of falling back on episodes of silence under the guise of depression, you then have to bear in mind that his mental issues are part of the package deal. If you have to cater to someone who is down more than they're up, it's going to put a big strain on your mental health too, and that's an even harder sell during the early days.

Overall, you've said what you said to him and aside from clarifying your meaning of that message, the ball is in his court. Your heart does seem to be in the right place.

[Asker]

Should I reach out and clarify it?

[Asker]

If so how should I clarify it?

[ShiftingMonke]

Well yes but actually no. 😅 the way I'm seeing it- going on the assumption that there's been no response from his end, and obviously time has passed between then and now- I would send a reply, but much softer on all counts. Vague enough that he can't take offense, but sincere enough that he can't disregard. Something like..

"After going over what you said, I now understand what you were trying to say. You want to keep me safe from your cloudy side, and while I appreciate that, you're who I want to know. I get in moods like this too. And I'll want to push you away, but it's only because I want to hold you and be held, and it's hard for me to admit that. But I know this, and now you know it too. We are human, we are flawed, we have bad days. But we can get through it, and maybe help each other find the sun on the days when clouds fill our heads."

Or you can offer to meet him where he's comfortable. No dates, no public stuff, just a Netflix and chill night without the chill part; just sit next to each other, knowing another trusted person is there but not demanding or expecting anything more than keeping loneliness at bay. Just cuddling on the couch with no intentions or pressure. Let him know that you can meet him on his terms. Granted, all of this may be more effort than its worth, but you can walk away knowing you played the best cards you were given.

[Asker]

@shifrinfmonke so normally I’d ask to talk to him on the phone/ hang but I feel like at this point sending a quick text message like this will save more time if he isn’t feeling things

[Asker]

I just sent him “Just reading back on things, I meant more to say just looking for clarity on what you need from me / where your headspace is at with this situation. Not really good at texting stuff like this out lol”

[ShiftingMonke]

Great response! More true, more you.

[Anonymous]

No. You shouldn’t have said anything at all, just moving on, or if you really want to respond then should have just said alright bye. Then block and never talk to again. You’re devaluing yourself over a loser who makes excuses and dumps you over text message. Telling him you’re gonna be there if he comes back. Fuck no, you should never. And to top it all of you’re begging for a ”solid answer” when he already clearly dumped you, as if you’d want there to be a way this wasn’t ending i breakup - so chasing him (and telling me you’re gonna be there when/if he’s bored or just want an easy fuck for the night) even though he treats you like shit, show no respect, makes bullshit excuses and dumps you through a message.

[Asker]

I disagree with this. We aren’t dating, we are simply talking. If he gives a solid answer, I’ll happily walk away and never look back, but ultimately he’s looking for a relationship and maybe he just needs someone that will say they will be there. That doesn’t mean I’m devaluing myself as if he says let’s continue things im going to place boundaries and what I do expect from this situation. If things fall through then that’s it. But implying that he’s making excuses when there’s more to things is just implies I don’t care about his feelings in the end and I wasn’t even worth his time anyways.

[Asker]

Plus me calling him out and asking what’s up is basically a boundary setting aspect of I won’t let him come and go when he pleases so make a decision now about what is going on

[SnowedIn]

Your reply was great until the end. "... but if you just want to leave things where they are at I understand. Just looking for a solid answer." Like, that's true, you need (deserve) a solid answer. But this text wasn't they place to do it. Nor when you talked about all the nice stuff in the first part of the text. Should have been a separate text or even a coffee to figure out if you guys are now on a break, end of situation, or what.

[Asker]

So the reason why I gave him that option is because people hide their intentions through mental health issues and some even use that as an excuse to reject someone. Right now I can’t really tell if he is interested in our situation due to his actions and I am simply giving him the option that he can take my support or he can be honest about what he is feeling and we can go our separate ways

[SnowedIn]

That's legit and I can understand that. But, your question was did you reply the right way, and, honestly, I think (as I said in my original post) no -- could've been better.

[Asker]

The text message before my second reply is me expressing that I was upset that he told me he would call me on Saturday and never called / never even texted me back to apologize that he never called.

[Asker]

I understand, I am just explaining where I am coming from on why I said what I said

[SnowedIn]

:) Yep. All good!

[Asker]

So if I was to reach out and clarify what I said, how should I fix what I said?

[SnowedIn]

Not fix; you don't need to fix. I'd ask for clarity on where you guys stand. Are you still in a situation? On a break? Ended for now?

[Asker]

We are clearly in a situation however, I’m not really sure where his head is at

[SnowedIn]

Exactly -- and that's why I suggest you ask him that question. Because his text is wishy washy ambiguous. He can't say "I don't want to drag you through" but leave it in a situation. That's childish. Either you're along for the ride or not. You get to have a life too -- not just wait in the wings for him to decide he's better.

[Asker]

I sent him “Just reading back on things, I meant more to say just looking for clarity on what you need from me / where your headspace is at with this situation. Not really good at texting stuff like this out lol “

[Asker]

And I agree his response was wishy washy. Which is why I kind of said what I said in the first place. But I’m happy to get second opinions so I could correct what I initially said. I don’t want him to define the relationship BUT I don’t want to waste my time making efforts if he isn’t going to appreciate the effort

[SnowedIn]

Maybe the question you ask him is whether you're still together. Because, okay for him to want to sort his life out but you shouldn't have to wait at home for the next 18 months while he does it.

[Asker]

@snowedin so me and him aren’t together, I thought we were working towards things, but he’s been shutting down so that’s why I’m looking for this clarity because if it’s more than just his depression and more so he’s just not into the situation, I would like to know so I can move forward

[Stevefiveo]

I think you gave the right answer. It sounds like he put you on hold. I wouldn't wait for him. I would move on. If things work out in the future then fine. But there is no reason you have to put your life on hold also.

[roy_ricky09]

Over explanation