Do guys look at girl’s boobs out of lust only?

[Anonymous]

I met a decent guy and felt he liked me (locked eyes, asked me personal questions within limit, was caring). I liked whatever I got to know about him. He acted sincere and respectful at all times. Over dinner with common friends, I noticed him very subtly looking at my boobs. It was a very sincere glance, not creepy at all.

I have big boobs and now wondering if guys look at boobs of a girl they are probably just lusting over,

Or do they also do that for a girl they may sincerely like.

Lust only

Love interest

Other. Please leave reason in comment

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh the fact that he looked at your boobs has nothing to do with a lack of sincerity. There is no reason at all to doubt this guys intentions because of this. It would be a huge mistake to do so.

There is nothing about him checking you out that means that he doesn't have exactly the intentions and genuine interest (for the right reasons) in you that you believe he does.

Let's do a little thought experiment: Let's say... that it was appropriate attire for a date, to wear those spandex bicycle shorts. So he's there with these tight-ass-shorts on... and you can see the perfect outline of his dick. Like it's RIGHT THERE.

You aren't lusting after the guy. You're not even really thinking along those lines in particular. You like him. You hope this will grow into something substantial and meaningful... and your thoughts are not really particularly sexual. You're thinking about how much you LIKE the guy... nothing about WANTING him in a sexual way. That's just not where your mind is while you're talking with him.

Nevertheless, the very clear outline of his dick... is RIGHT THERE if you happen to let your eyes stray downward. You KNOW it's there, because you noticed that incidentally... because how the fuck could you not notice. It's clearly his dick... Right... there. A little below his face.

So since you're not really thinking sexually... and you certainly don't want to give him the misimpression that you're lusting after him... you make a conscious effort, to not let your eyes stray down... because you know, he knows, his dick is clearly outlined... so if you look down... he knows full-well that you're looking at his dick.

So... you make a point to not look down. Not because you're trying to control your lust. But because his dick is right there, and you don't want to give him the (legitimately) wrong idea.

Do you really think you'd make it through the whole night without ever ONCE looking at that dick that's practically in your face? To never allow your eyes to stray down... to the place you're specifically making a point NOT to look? Not even once? Not for a second?

Not out of lust. Not at all. But because a dude's dick is clearly right there. It's impossible to ignore (no matter how hard you may try)... because it's RIGHT THERE in front of you. Since you're making a point to ignore it... you're going to look at some point. In passing, or whatever. How could you not.

It's the same thing essentially. His looking means nothing. It really doesn't mean a damn thing. The most decent, respectful, stand-up, noble guy in the world would have looked too. (ideally you just wouldn't have noticed). But it's not a lust thing. It's not coming from any sort of bad intentions. It's not even coming from any sort of intentions really.

Imagine he fastened a blue piece of paper on his chest. Imagine you were trying to not look at his chest specifically. You COULD NOT look at his chest. You're trying really hard not to.

Do you honestly think you would end that date without knowing the color of the paper fastened to his chest? Of course not. You would have looked long enough to see that it was blue. Even if simply because you were trying so damn hard NOT to look at his chest... you're gonna do it. Anyone would.

Thinking this means anything negative about this guy would be a mistake.

[Asker]

I understand your point and will not make the mistake of misjudging him with this. Thanks a lot for your perspective and advise!

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm very glad this makes sense to you. Good guys can be hard to find. If this guy seems like a good guy, it would be such a shame for you to write-him-off as being only interested in sex. It would be missing a potential opportunity, because of a misunderstanding.

I hope this guy is indeed a good guy. Hopefully his checking you out will be a funny story you can tease your boyfriend about, a few months from now.

And if he turns out not to be such a great guy after all... it's still irrelevant that he checked you out. Any guy would have. It's got nothing at all to do with what kind of guy he is. But... all the evidence so far seems to suggest he IS a good guy.

[Asker]

Thank you for your kind words! There are many problems though. He and I live in different cities- we work in the same team remotely and will every few months as part of team gatherings.
I could feel his interest and like him back but I had decided I’ll not think about him because of above problems. After coming back, here I am thinking about him. Just few days ago (that’s about 2 weeks since meeting him), on a team meeting video call, he asked everyone when our next in-person gathering is going to be. It felt unusual because we just got back from our in-person gathering.
Anyways, another problem is that I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend. He never mentioned or mentions of one, nor did he check his phone often on days when we were meeting in-person. I looked him up on social media to resolve this confusion but found only his fb profile with only one profile pic.
So, I don’t know what to do really but wait. I think things will be clear when I meet him next.

[Asker]

will meet* every few months as part of team gatherings

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, the distance factor... that's something that you're going to have to decide for yourself whether you can accept or not. It depends if you live like on opposite sides of the country, or 45 minutes drive. But mostly it depends on what you're ok with. I can't really comment on that part.

I think it's fully reasonable to think that he was asking about when the next in-person meeting was taking place... because he was looking forward to seeing you (specifically and in particular). Why else would he be thinking about when the next meeting was going to be. I'm sure they're not generally all that fun (unless there's a girl you like who'll be there).

I think you should 100% assume that this guy does not have a girlfriend. That, to me, is a safe assumption. You didn't imagine the interest you felt from him. It's definitely fair to assume that a guy showing you interest like that, is single. You're going to be correct about that 98% of the time.

If this guy DOES have a girlfriend... then he's clearly a fucking scumbag. If the dude's a scumbag... you're going to figure that out pretty quickly. Even if you don't find out about the girlfriend... any guy acting this way who does have a girlfriend, won't be able to hide the fact that he's a scumbag for long. You'll see it express itself in other ways.

[SteveSmith1985]

So, if I were you... I wouldn't worry about him having a girlfriend. Assume he doesn't. I wouldn't even give that part another thought tbh.

I don't know if there is anything you can do but wait. That depends on what kind of interactions you're going to have in the natural course of things as members of the same remote team. I agree that seeing him is the next "big" thing. But, if you're having interactions as part of your job... make sure you don't hide your own interest. Still give those signs that you're on the same page. You can't just be 100% professional and proper during remote meetings and expect things to relax and get personal again once you meet in person again. Just... make sure he doesn't get the wrong idea by trying to over-compensate by acting ultra-professional. So you're waiting... but... also still sending those minor minor signals that... you're looking forward to this next in-person meeting too.

[Asker]

You really sorted it for me. Thank you so much!
The in-person gatherings are actually lot of fun. We don’t work and they are there so the team can do fun things and build team-spirit. I do agree that he asking about next in-person gathering was quite unusual. Most of us weren’t even thinking of it.
I will definitely try to show interest as and when I get a chance.
Honestly, I can’t wait to meet him again but at the same time, I pray and ask God to show me his true intentions and true self.
Thank you again! Your words made a lot of difference to how I think and what I should be doing!

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh I'm so glad to hear that I've helped make this clearer for you! That's the biggest compliment there is for a reply to someone's question.

"I pray and ask God to show me his true intentions and true self." That is indeed the whole thing with meeting someone new who you like. But, it's going to be your gut-instincts along with your smarts that's going to help you figure that out, as time goes by and you get to know him better. You can certainly look at it as God being responsible for those "gut-feelings" and instincts. The important part is that you listen to your own instincts.

If this guy continues to seem like a good guy the more you get to know him... you're probably not misjudging that. If however, something seems "off" about him, or something feels "not right" in some vague indefinable way... you're probably not misjudging that either. Listen to your gut while using your head as you're getting to know him better. You aren't likely to be fooled by someone if their intentions aren't what they should be. That does happen to people. But it almost always requires ignoring that gut-instinct or following your heart over your head (logic, reason, probabilities etc.).

I think you're going to be just fine in making sure this guy turns out to be who you hope he is... and giving him the boot if he turns out to be less than you're hoping him to be.

Just listen to your gut. Don't hide how you feel about him for fear of seeming "over-eager" or "desperate" or any such silliness. And you're going to navigate this situation just fine. I don't know you, but I feel like you got this. 🙂

[Asker]

I took a mental note of everything you said and will follow it. Also, I promise I’ll come back and tell you if things turned out well between him and me :)
Take care!

[SteveSmith1985]

I hope they do work out for you! I'd love to randomly hear from you that everything's turned-out well. I hope this guy turns out to be everything you're hoping he'll be. Best of luck. Take care. 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you! :)

[Asker]

Hi again! I could really use your advise. I don’t work directly with him and may not get a chance to talk directly 1 on 1 until we do start working on same project. That might take a month or so. I do see him in social team remote meetings and he was very chatty in the last one over a question I asked.
I was thinking if it will be appropriate to send him a DM and ask for help on this social event we both will attend remotely. This is to show subtle interest and to open a communication channel. Or should I just let things flow naturally until I meet him in person in next 2-3 months.

[SteveSmith1985]

You should totally send him a DM and ask for help on this social event you're both attending remotely (assuming that makes sense. I have no freaking idea what sort of event you're talking about. But yes, if it at all makes sense to DM him to ask for help that's a great idea).

So my advice is definitely do it! It shows more than subtle interest... yet is still totally plausibly innocent. But he'll definitely notice. And as you say, opening communication is definitely a good thing. I think you'd be an idiot NOT to do this. Definitely do.

[Asker]

Thank you so much! I will DM him on Monday and see how things go. I was worried I might look desperate or cheap if I DM him, then thought to get your advise. It truly helped! thanks again!

[SteveSmith1985]

Don't worry about looking desperate. That's always a mistake. Trust your native social instincts to not do anything truly inappropriate, and otherwise, don't second guess yourself and worry about looking desperate or over-eager. That's always shooting yourself in the foot.

So yes, do DM him on Monday and see how things go. This is definitely a good idea.

[Asker]

Will do :) You gave me confidence!

[SteveSmith1985]

Well good. You should be confident!

[Asker]

So I Dm’ed him and he was quick to reply and cracked jokes and sent smiley emojis.
But I am really bad at conversations. I tried to keep it interesting and funny and it lasted for about half an hour. I gave pauses to see if he would write something but he didn’t. But he replied immediately when I texted.
I hope he got an indication of my interest. I was more fun when I met him in person and today, I was so anxious overthinking what to write and reply :/
I think it went fine..

[Asker]

I asked him for help and he quickly gave me the right suggestion

[Asker]

I hope he messages me first at some other time because I really don’t know how things will move forward until we meet in person.. that’s 2-3 months away

[SteveSmith1985]

Hey good for you! You're not bad at conversation if you talked for a half an hour! That's so good! That's more than it going "fine"... half an hour is a long-ass conversation in this context.

I think though, that I misunderstood the nature of his helping you with whatever you asked him to help you with. I was thinking that it was an ongoing thing... where you would have to talk SEVERAL times as a matter-of-course (as part of him helping you to prepare for whatever event thing)

I didn't realize it was a one-time thing. That's fine, that's still great. Nothing changes, you still totally made the right move my opeining up communication like this.

The only worry/problem is... as you say..."what now"?

Because that is indeed a legitimate question. Like I was picturing you talking for like 5-10 minutes today; but then needing to talk for another 10 minutes on Thursday. Then maybe again next Friday etc. Like (I have no idea why... now that I think about it) I imagined this being a way to open communication that would be ongoing... and serve the EXACT purpose of bridging the gap between now, and when you see each other.

Still. Ok, so the situation looks like this.

WORST CASE scenario (well not "worst") even if you end up not talking at all between now and when you see him next... you're odds are still pretty decent that everything will be perfect when you do see him. He's going to be looking forward to seeing you, the way you're looking forward to seeing him. He certainly could get a girlfriend in the meantime... but I think you're odds are actually pretty good.

BUT ideally... you do get some more chances to talk before you see him. (especially since you talked for a half hour today... that's so good. I think you're underselling the importance of how good that is)

So now the problem is... it's hard for him to message you first at some other time before you see each other. It's equally hard for you to message him first (again) for the same exact reason:

[SteveSmith1985]

You had a plausible excuse for why you were reaching out to him today. It was an excuse both of you know was just an excuse to talk... but that plausible deniability is actually pretty important (or it makes a difference is maybe a better way to put it).

For him to message you first... now... is basically as clear and obvious, as him writtting "Hey, so I'm writting this because I'm interested in you, and thought I felt a mutual spark between us. What's up?"

Because that's exactly what that would mean. In a way that doesn't even have plausable deniability.

(same applies if you were to send him another message first).

Now... the question is: Would this guy be bold/confident enough at this point to make a move that overt? (I would think probably not... at least not easily). He might, and if he does, then things are super-clearly-good. But for that exact reason, he might hesitate to send you that message which serves to declare his feelings and interest in an unmistakeable way.

So what I am saying is: Don't take his NOT messaging you as a sign of disinterest. It's not.

He cannot (easily) send you a message; for the same reasons you cannot send him one. (even though you DID totally reach out first this time... that's totally different. There was an "excuse")

[SteveSmith1985]

So now, the very best thing you could do, would be to find some other excuse to message him again. Or hope he figures out some excuse to message you first. But considering you work together, my guess is that nobody is going to be making any too overt moves too soon. I feel like a guy is apt to be cautious in a situation like this. There are potential professional ramifications if he's wrong about the interest he's pretty sure you're feeling.

So I wouldn't EXPECT a message. But hoping for one makes sense for sure. But I think that'll depend on whether he can find some plausable excuse to message you.

But... you might be stuck either having to be super-bold yourself (sending him a message with no real excuse, which will make your feelings and intent unmistakable and overt)... or wait for your in-person meeting. He might very well message you. I don't know. I really don't. But I can see it being difficult for a guy to do in this specific situation... even if he were very interested.

[Asker]

I’m also bit concerned that he might get a girlfriend in the meantime, after all, there could be temptations around him and I’m far away. Many girls know the art of flirting and smart talking. I’m honestly not good at either of those. I was anxious when talking to him today but then I told myself to be how I am because he liked me that way first. I guess I will leave it to destiny and see how the magic unfolds.
Sorry, may be I didn’t explain it well. This help today is a one time thing but I will still get many reasons to message him every now and then but I don’t want to since I initiated it already.
You said it right that it will be difficult for him to message first even if he wants because we work together and there are crazy anti-harassment laws around that so men innocent men have been ruined over.
I could at least tell that he was quite open (not reserved or being cautious) when I met him in person and even today when texting him.
His responses showed that he was happy chatting with me.
Best thing is I guess to go with the flow - take the opportunities that come to talk to him and hopefully things will grow organically.

[SteveSmith1985]

Wait!!! no!!! This is an ongoing thing?

That changes everything! You have an excellent reason to message him several more times between now and when you see him. Use all of those excuses to message him. You've got "a reason" to! Are you crazy! You don't leave things to fate when you have a choice!

What you initiated today had a reason. What you initiate in your next message will also have a reason. It makes NO SENSE to have messaged him today... only to hesitate to message him again for the help that you would naturally need on an ongoing basis. Don't you think he'd be expecting you to? In his mind isn't he able to think "ok, great... well she's gonna need to message me again in a week or so about the whateverthefuck aspect of the stuff she was working on..."

You need to initiate it again. It's not even hard. You did the hard part already. Don't shoot yourself in the foot now after you already did the hard stuff... you've got the fish on the hook... you just need to reel him in! It's not time to sit there and watch what happens.

[Asker]

It’s amazing how easily you’re able to see my mistake and correct me! I’m a go-getter in my career but lack the approach you just suggested in my personal life.
I already have an excuse to message him next week and hopefully I’ll keep coming up with few every week after.
I will think of all things I can talk to him about because today I ended chat myself. He was responding to me very well and in greater detail. It’s just that he didn’t try to extend chat himself when I gave him a pause of 7-8 mins so I ended chat nicely in a few mins after. I’m confident he would have continued to reply had I kept going.
I think of ways to have extended chats in future so he and I can become familiar before we meet in person next.
I’m excited and also anxious! But I do feel vibes from him and I hope he did too today from me.
I will not leave it to fate! Much thanks for setting me on right path.

[Asker]

Can I DM you to drop a hi so I can contact you directly in future than here?

[Asker]

Nothing is happening :(
He hasn’t messaged me directly and nor have I after I did few days ago.
We see each other 2-3 times a week in team meetings. Sometimes I feel interest but things have been stagnant. I don’t know what to do. Waiting to see in person in 1-2 months and hopefully I’ll get a clear answer then.
I don’t want to message again - look clingy and ruin things before they even start.
What do you think? Any suggestions?

[Asker]

Today in remote meeting, he checked something that I would have been asked to check because there were things like it being assigned to me in that same meeting earlier. May be he was curious or just wanted to help. No idea! I did make sure to quickly thank him.
I do wish things were little more direct so I’d know what he’s thinking. Also insecure if he might find a girlfriend in the meantime :-/

[SteveSmith1985]

Jeez I'm sorry, i missed the notifications for your replies from before (not these most recent ones). Absolutely you can DM me. That would be much easier. Please do!

I'm afraid I did not catch what you meant in your last message about him checking something you would have been asked to check. I just have no idea what that means, or the significance of it (was it a favor? Did it show he was thinking about you? etc. I have no clue). So to read that part of it, I'd need you to explain more what happened.

Now... It seems to me...(and I could definitely be wrong here, and correct me if I am)... that the only thing that changed between your message thanking me for reminding you to not leave this to fate... and the message that nothing had happened and things were stagnant... is that you chickened-out. Right?

The only thing that happened, is that you went from: "alright, yea... you're right... I'm totally going to send him another message (since you have a reason/excuse to do so)"

to: "I don't wanna message him. I don't want to look clingy."

Is that not all that changed?

[SteveSmith1985]

If so, my advice is the same. Message him. Definitely. That would be the way to keep things from getting stagnant, without having to make an overt move. That's how to make sure there is mutual interest still when you see him. He is ALSO worried/thinking you might have a boyfriend by the time he gets a chance to see you. He ALSO feels things went from "something unspoken... but exciting" to... stagnant. And now you're in a situation where it's really easy for two people to start accidentally spiralling into signs of DISINTEREST (you think you see signs he's losing interest, which makes you pull back, which makes him feel like you're losing interest... even if he was originally still interested, this makes him pull back in response to what he's seeing from you and that spirals). That's not inevitable or anything. It's just something that can easily happen.

So, my suggestion is to message him and have yourself a fun, mutually enjoyable conversation again. Either that or you just basically hope that everything still seems good between you when you see him in a while.

[Asker]

Thanks, I’ll DM

[spartan55]

They do it for all women. If you expect any dude to not look at your big knockers then you are delusional. Sounds like he wasn't making a big spectacle of staring at them, so this comes down to: do you want to create a problem when there was none.

[Kaneki05]

If they are fair sized or big we are gonna look at them because they stand out. It can also be for lust. But you can like the person too.

[Pohjolan]

Men are also looking at women's breasts to instinctively figure out:

a. Is she a woman?

b. Is she biologically mature?

c. Can she feed the baby?

[Anonymous]

There is no guarantee that he can even see your boobs, just because the lights are on doesn't mean anyone is home.

[Fireguy17]

I don't have a boob fetish, so the really don't do anything for me.

[Pudsmucker]

I like looking at a good pair of boobs on women. Their breast compliments them. And it is also a turn on for a man and his girl.

[AimeeKyle]

All the above depending on one’s mood at the time (and feelings or no feelings for the female)

[LiamJHayden]

Nope. Some might, but most just like curves.

[clampfan101]

It’s typically lust, but you can lust for and love someone at the same time.

[Mikeatsea81]

Out of curiosity and genarally all are nice in there own way

[Viatatom]

I think it may caught his attention.. and it may be lust too

[Nikki1989]

It is mostly pure lust.

[coolawsomegirl]

wohhhhh boobs 😍