Guys, what would make you open up to a woman?

[Anonymous]

What's the thing or things that a woman does to make you open up to her?

[BungusHighFivePizza]

Just clicking with convos. It's less about subject and flow to me. I can geek out on subject matter but mostly I feel open with a woman if it's not about the intricacies of a subject, but if she's the type where I can just say one thing about myself and she takes her turn without me having to ask.

[BungusHighFivePizza]

If I feel like I need to ask her things for her to share as freely as I do, it seems like an intimacy barrier. I prefer a convo style where it doesn't seem to feel like we need to ask each other Qs. We just take turns sharing and the convo can go wherever, but we're learning about each other in the process.

[Asker]

I see. I'm having trouble doing that. I'm always asking questions. Not really opening up myself because I don't know how. I wish I did but I have social anxiety which keeps me from being open even to my partner. I want to be able to do what you described here but it's hard for me.

[BungusHighFivePizza]

I'm kind of skewed a certain way and maybe more so by recent tech. When I was younger, we didn't have internet or mobile phones. So I appreciated it if I talk to someone and they teach me facts about the world. But these days I find much less value in that since I can just Google what I want to learn and get even more accurate facts.

So the analogy I like to give is the English teacher who asks a student to write a book report. And say the student does a very good summary describing the book. So what? I can probably find superior summaries easily. So I want to know how the book made him feel, how it relates to his childhood, life experiences.

This is increasingly becoming the most interesting info to me, since I can't Google Search how "John Smith feels about Moby Dick." The only way I can know this data is for John Smith to share this directly with me.

This is what I now want to know about everyone. I've become extremist. I want to know what you know but what makes you passionate to learn it, for example. If we talked in person, I think I can pull some stuff out of you even with your social anxiety.

[Asker]

Perhaps you could but he really tries to do this as well. He tries to pull it out of me and I fail miserably. I'm just not good at opening up. 😕

[BungusHighFivePizza]

What if we talk about something you're very passionate about? Favorite foods, favorite films, music? Or sometimes we're more passionate about things we hate: so foods you absolutely hate, films you think are terrible, music you think sounds dreadful and can't understand why people can listen to it?

[Asker]

I'm very passionate about music but even with that I find I lack the social skills to carry it out effectively. I can probably say one or two things about it before shutting down.

[BungusHighFivePizza]

Do you feel uncomfortable when you shut down? What makes you shut down exactly?

[Asker]

I don't know. I guess thinking that I don't have much to offer or much to say. That my opinions aren't very great.

[BungusHighFivePizza]

Maybe not but can't be worse than anyone else's as I see it! Opinions don't have to be great as I see it; they're a load off that way.

[richardcory]

Her being non-judgemental, and sharing about herself as well.

[Anonymous]

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I’ve opened up to women in the past and it did not go well. Not doing that ever again

Ever.

I encourage all men to do the same. You’re only showing her your weaknesses, failures, self-doubts, insecurities, and traumas, and we know two things about women:

1. You never forget anything we say.

2. And you’ll do anything to hurt us the moment you feel justified to do so. Trash our car. Say we hit you to the cops. Say we sexually assaulted you. Whatever. “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.”

Knowing this, anything we say CAN AND WILL be used against us.

So why on earth would we ever tell you anything?

[Asker]

How can you expect to have a decent relationship without opening up eventually to the other person? How can you have a serious relationship without that? I understand you have had bad experiences in the past but you shouldn't let that stop you from opening up. What if she is different and the one? You won't know that if you don't open up.

[Opinion Owner]

Simple. Compartmentalization.

Some things you discuss with friends. Some with your woman. Some with family. And, if need be, some with a therapist or counselor.

A woman will only file away whatever you tell her to use for the future as a weapon, or what you tell her will forever change her opinion of you. I mean what if she learns that her big, strong man is really afraid of something? Or that the husband she thought was a good provider is worried about money, or that you actually don’t know what the hell you're doing. Women are attracted to CONFIDENCE. Not vulnerability. You’re supposed to be her ROCK. That’s what she has always pictured, and wanted. Not a person, but an ideal.

[Asker]

I disagree. Women want a man who can show all of themselves. It takes strength to do that. I want a man who can cry in front of me and tell me what's going on with him. Not drunk either but sober. I've had him do that drunk but I would love for him to be sober when he's laying it all out there for me. I would not use what he tells me as a weapon or feel differently about him.

[Opinion Owner]

No, of course you wouldn’t feel differently about him when he reveals he was sexually molested as a child, or was beaten by a family member, or that he was worried he would lose his job. I’m sure everything would be just the same as before.

You’re kidding yourself.

[Asker]

He already revealed that to me and I don't feel differently about him. If anything I respect him more for telling me that. I think he is a strong man for what he has endured as a child. And the fact that he opened up to me about that means a lot but I know there's more he's keeping from me and I want to know what it is.

[Opinion Owner]

“ If anything I respect him more ”

So it changed how you thought about him.

🤷‍♂️

[Anonymous]

She has to prove she's WORTHY of my trust. In other words she has to open up to me. Doesn't work any other way. And I can smell b. s. so when I say open up. If I think she's feeding me b. s. for a second. She's going to get shut down in nothing flat.

[Rangers]

Say "what's on your mind"
When I of course say "nothing" or don't respond, move close up to me, move into my arms, make close eye contact, then ask me again

It'll work

[Asker]

Ok I can definitely do that!

[Summeroflove]

Usually getting to know her. To open up to someone takes some time. You don’t want to open up to the wrong person

[Static_In_The_Attic]

If you want me to open up all you have to do is hand me brownies.

[summiter]

She makes me feel comfortable to talk about just anything. Also if she is a good listner.

[LiamJHayden]

There is stuff that I will share with anyone, but for deeper things I need to trust her.

[warsevf]

Smile I think