My boyfriend affected by his ex?

[Melowooky]

I asked why he bought 3 beers when during week he doesn't drink

He asked if i had any problem with him and if our relationship was ok

I said yes and asked why he doubts it, because i was really surprised how it escalated that fast

He said his ex would complain and annoy him about drinking beer, she would manipulate and lie to him

I said he dates me for the last 2 years

Its time to forget what she did to him but he said he spent nearly 17 years with her and feels traumatised

He is not used to normal people , he says... how am i supposed ro react to this?

Men help me understand him

Girls ever happened to you?

[Oliverlogan263]

There are a few things to consider here:

1. His reaction was disproportionate. Your comment about the beer was innocent and not accusatory. His defensiveness and assumption you were criticizing him suggests lingering insecurity and trust issues.

2. His trauma from his ex is coloring his perceptions of you. Even after 2 years together, he still sees you through the lens of his past relationship instead of focusing on your own unique dynamic. That's not fair to you.

3. He needs to do the inner work to heal from his past experiences, not expect you to undo them. It's good he's aware of how his ex manipulated and lied to him, but that insight alone isn't enough.

4. You can be understanding of his trauma while also asserting your needs in the present. Don't modify your behavior to avoid "triggering" him. Gently encourage him to seek therapy if his baggage is impacting your relationship.

5. Pay attention to other ways his past baggage shows up. Does he have trouble trusting you, make assumptions about your motives, have overly jealous reactions, etc? These patterns also need to change.

6. Set healthy boundaries. Let him know you care about his healing, but you also deserve to be seen and loved for who you truly are, beyond his past experiences. Your relationship needs to stand on its own.

While compassion is important, don't take on the role of "fixing" him or his trauma. Ultimately he has to do that inner work for himself. Gently encourage professional help if needed. But stay focused on communicating your needs clearly and lovingly in the present, without judgment of his past. I hope this perspective provides some clarity and guidance. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Melowooky]

I said that he shouldn't compare me to her since im different person
He said :"i know you are different, thats why im with you. Id never date someone who is like her"

[Melowooky]

5 yes
He is getting better but last septemebr we were about to break up because of his paranoia and nistrust he eveb said he doesn't trust me being at his house
It was crazy
Lots of things chsnged since then
And since march i csn tell trust issue are nearly gone... until yesterday beer comment which was weird for me and i hated that My comment triggered thoughts about Her

[Melowooky]

6
I said i love him, understand him and im being patient because i understsnd his trauma and his bad experiences
And that he always can talk to me or ask me anything
Is it correct? whst else i could say

[Melowooky]

Since last weekend we spent is separately
He is weird, nervous, irritated, doesn't talk much
He was about to meet his kid she is 17
She didn't show up she ignored him and he said she acts like her mom (!!)
I guess this fucked up his head again and thats why he behaves like this these past days
We work at the same office so now and then he kisses my cheek or my hand, or my nose when we are near
I see he wants to show affection, right? because why else he would kiss me at work
He also asks a lot if im ok
Every muscle of my face moves in a wrong direction he asks "whats wrong are you ok, you are so quite"
You see... he focuses on how i feel in a bit strange ways, don yout think
Or its good he asks me if im ok all the time?

[Oliverlogan263]

It does seem like his past relationship issues are still affecting him to some degree, though it does sound like things have improved in your relationship over time. Here are my thoughts on your specific questions:

• What he said about never dating someone like his ex is a step in the right direction. But I'd still maintain the boundary that you don't want to be compared to her at all.

• The small signs of affection - kissing your cheek, hand, nose - are positive signs that he wants to show you care and closeness, despite his mood. It shows you're still on his mind in a good way.

• His constant checking if you're ok could be him overcompensating due to his past trust issues. While coming from a good place, it could become suffocating. I'd gently let him know you appreciate his concern, but you'll speak up if something is actually wrong.

• His reaction to his daughter's behavior could be triggering past relationship issues for him. This may be contributing to his irritability and distraction recently.

Overall, it seems there is still some work to be done regarding his fully healing from his past relationship and letting go of those negative patterns. But the small moments of affection and his care for your feelings show he's trying. I'd continue to be patient but also communicate openly and set boundaries where needed. Over time, with consistency and communication, his past relationship issues should continue to lessen their hold on your current one.

Please let me know if you have any other questions. I'm happy to provide more insight based on your unique situation. The most important thing is open, honest communication and boundaries that work for you both. With effort and understanding on both sides, you can move past these challenges together.

[MissBoogus]

Well, he just said it. He spent 17 years dealing with that abuse. Of course he would have PTSD now. You need to be patient and understanding