Why do men act tough even when they can be soft inside, why can’t they show it?

Question

I always thought of my brother as a tough guy, nothing ever scared him.

Instead, he always comforted me when I was scared, carried me in his hands to my bed and told me not to worry about anything, I always felt blessed to have a brother like him,

I felt like he was strong and I wasn’t. He has been through a lot, all alone because he never allowed anyone to help him or never told anyone that he needed help. So, I always assumed he never needed it.

We are very close to each other and we are best friends.

Yesterday he called me and we talked for two hours,

at some point we were recalling some things and we were talking about fears. I was telling him how scared I was when I got this high fevers and

At some point he asked me why didn’t I call him if I was so scared,

he also gave me an example that he is not as fearless as he looks like and there have been moments when he too has felt fear but he hasn’t allowed it to affect him.

I have never heard of my brother admitting that before. I asked him why didn’t he tell me earlier and he said he always figured

“Whatever happens, happens. I’ll do my best to make things work but if they don’t, I’m fine. Whatever happens, happens.”

I felt sad knowing that every-time I feel sad or scared, I have people to talk to and feel comforted,

however, my brother, even though has lots of friends, always has to deal with his fears alone.

I think it would be great, if he allowed himself to be a bit more vulnerable, not always being a tough guy, showing when he is scared and not fighting with all his fears alone.

Why are men like this?

Even I am his sister and his best friend, he still doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his fears with me.

AmeerX · Accepted Answer

Whatever happens happens, I will do my best. Sounds like my mirror image. I admit during my father's case I was worried shit but I only told 2 of my bestie's about the case itself. And I chose not to tell anyone about my fears until 2.5 years passed without any trial happening.

There were people who kept insisting on me giving out a bribe. I used to mock them back and reminded them that God is bigger than them.

My sisters, I didn't tell about my own health till I was bedridden from a leg pain and hypothermia at which point they already knew what was happening to my health. However, even then if someone said in the family if I can't work I deliberately chose to go do my work. Some thought I had a death wish. But problem is men's economical value is far outreaching compared to a woman in general.

One of my friend left for Canada during this time and messaged me and I didn't tell her anything either. My instincts were, "she can't do anything and to make matters worst she will think, "Oh what a weakling". Society is more judgmental about a man compared to a woman. So social constructs and how we are expected to behave is also different.

I think it has to do with a little bit of my brought up. In my school days, no one really liked a boy who complains. Even in adulthood, men is expected to lead the way and find the solution rather than be complaining all the time. İf my brother or male friends complain we all make fun of him. Like nowadays, the topic is "hey let's get the hell out of this country" and I am always like, " you can leave but this one stays". Even when a girl leaves the country I don't even feel remorse or regret for them but when I see a man leave I do feel a little led down since a man is supposed to fight the problem head on.

I think your brother must be a great man 👌.

I just want to say, if I have a personal problem I tell it to my father but not my mom or my sisters 👀. I think your question created more questions in my mind then clarify 🤣.

BoopBoopBeep · Accepted Answer

I don't have a problem showing it, but I'm not going to dwell on it at length. I've had a number of times where I almost/could have died. Did it suck? Yeah. Sometimes I talked to someone about how much that sucked. You guys know WHY it sucked, because I care about my rescue kittens and don't want them to wonder where I am. I talked to you about it. It didn't change anything though. I still have to do the work to get my heart stronger and no matter how much I talk about things if I sit on the couch and eat a bucket crisco then all the talking in the world won't matter. I think generally we don't need as much time to process our feelings are and more results-oriented than feelings-oriented, so once we've talked about the possible solutions to a problem and the coase of action to obtain that solution, there's just not a lot to talk about. Compare that with my ex who has gone to therapy twice a week for 10 years, talks about the same issues, still not any better than when she started other than having the captive audience of whoever her current therapist is having to listen to her talk, and the satisfaction she gets from that. How much should we show softness for the same issue, particularly once the issue is resolved/finalized?

Hinaaaaa · Accepted Answer

Maybe society wants them to be this way... to be not that vulnerable about their emotions

msc545 · Answer

Social Expectations: Many societies have traditionally associated masculinity with qualities like strength, stoicism, and emotional restraint. Men may feel pressure to conform to these stereotypes, leading them to suppress their softer emotions to fit societal expectations.

Fear of Vulnerability: Some men might fear that displaying vulnerability or softer emotions will make them appear weak or less masculine in the eyes of others. This fear of judgment can lead them to hide their true feelings.
Upbringing and Socialization: From a young age, boys are often encouraged to be tough and resilient, and they may receive less encouragement to express their emotions openly. This upbringing can influence how men handle their emotions later in life.

Emotional Regulation: Some men may have learned to manage their emotions by suppressing them as a coping mechanism. This can become a habit that persists into adulthood.

Peer Pressure: Men may face pressure from their peers to conform to traditional notions of masculinity. This pressure can discourage them from openly expressing softer emotions for fear of being teased or ostracized.

Role Models: If men lack positive male role models who openly express their emotions, they may not have healthy examples to follow.

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Andres77 · Answer

He carries the weight of responsibility. That will shape a man. He loves you and wants to be an anchor for you. He doesn’t want to dominate you. He cares for you. Anyone that says that is toxic is herself an evil vile bitch that needs to disappear. Your brother loves you. Being strong for you while he suffers through whatever he’s going through is what many men do. It’s not toxic.

to call strong men toxic (who have built every bridge and road and building on the planet) is to cut off your own feet. Women are not harvesting the grain across the country to feed the starving in Africa

JackCarter · Answer

Sometimes Men just can't act scared and afraid even though they are... considering that people look upto him and derive a sense of safety and hope from him

Their tough and confident attitude can be comforting for many during bad times

Personally I've been in a lot of scenarios where something bad happens and literally everyone turns to look at me and I am like " God help me" and tensed inside but act super confident outside

Anpu23 · Answer

There's this disconnect between men and women on how we emote. Its hard wired, and its profound.

In guys the centers for emotions are wired directly to the centers for action and doing, while in women they are wired into the ceners for communication. So guys, naturally act their emotional response while girls talk about their emotions. Its not that guys are repressing them, they just respond differently. There's been a lot of talk recently about how guys need to "open up" much of it by women or based on psychological research on women. This I s quite literally "femsplaining" the male experience.

So there is a goid chance that the reason why he didn't call is because he didn't feel the need to. Instead he may have hit the gym, built something or some such as a way to deal with the emotions

ShadowYamihiro · Answer

I definitely show i t, i'm asocial so i'm kinda a bit of a lone wolf type but i am who i am, i truly don't care about that macho stuff. If i feel like crying then i will cry, if i want to laugh i will laugh, i have emotions and i can be sensitive, its much harder to show that then being macho so real men for me are those who accept themselves and be themselves

bolverk · Answer

"Why do men act tough even when they can be soft inside, why can’t they show it?"

Because society will not allow us to, any-time a man shows any vulnerabilities he is attacked and derided for it, if he is lucky he has a couple of male friends, and if he has any sense he never shares any vulnerabilities with Girlfriends because they will weaponise those vulnerabilities when they have a serious fight or during a divorce if married.

I'm the elder brother to four sisters

Justasking107 · Answer

I'm kinda similar to your brother here, when you have been through a lot, you know how things are and don't want to be a burden to anyone else as every human has their own troubles to worry about. Not only that, but if you're best friends, he may not want to worry you (I don't have that luxury to say I'm close to anyone so I can't say for sure that, that is another reason, but a potential possibility).

Z1pTD · Answer

The fact that he opened up with you means he's not always like that. Put good people around a guy, and he'll open up on private to his friends.

236color · Answer

Men are socialized to a very rigid code of masculinity and any slight deviation is perceived as gay.

Jersey2 · Answer

You just have to be. Its short, its uninformative but thats just how it is, you HAVE to be. It comes with being a guy, its expected, its the male culture, it just is.

Guido · Answer

Men are raised to be tough and protectors. While me may have fears, we are taught to not show it.

In public, men never show signs if fear but in private with someone they really trust like a wife they may admit their fears.

exitseven · Answer

It is in the guy code. It is right after the part that says that we never ask for directions.

Skull_Anon · Answer

For some, the soft part of them died years ago 💀

Grond21 · Answer

Ask yourself what he would give up by being vulnerable. Then you will begin to understand the answer to this question.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

I have no problem showing it.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Insecurity and immaturity.

Wowcraft44 · Answer

It’s a fear of vulnerability and rejection.

Why do men act tough even when they can be soft inside, why can’t they show it?

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