How to know if a guy is playing mind games or has a fear of being hurt?

[Anonymous]

[dynamicyandere]

How to pick up on mind games isn’t a simple answer, just like it’s not a simple answer to tell if someone is lying. It takes a lot of intuition and understanding how mind games are played.


Like, it’s hard to recognize a chess strategy if you don’t know how to play chess yourself.


But, generally speaking, a guy that is manipulating a girl and not taking her seriously is less likely to introduce her to his friends or introduce her to his family.


That’s because what’s the point of introducing her to friends or family if she’s just a side piece or a f*ck buddy right?


And it’s going to be awkward for his family to ask about her if he just used her and tossed her aside.


So, if a guy is serious about being in a long term relationship with you, he should have no issue introducing you to his friends and family.


And usually guys aren’t manipulative if their end goal truly is to marry you (as compared to just use you for sex until they’re bored of you).

[Asker]

Thank you

He tends to be affectionate one minute, then the next he withdraws. He'll give me lots of attention and affection. But then all of a sudden he pulls away. It's as though he's withholding affection intentionally. But I'm not certain of it. His behavior is strange. He sometimes mirrors what I say too. At times, I think he has a fear of abandonment. Then other times, it's as though he's just playing with my mind.

I have tried talking to him, but he said he never noticed he was like that. I haven't brought it up again in case I come across as controlling or something.

I'm not sure If I'm overthinking or not😕

[Asker]

Sometimes, it's like I'm with two different men. If that makes sense

[dynamicyandere]

Hmm… He’s being hot and cold, but why, right?

It could be just his personality, or mindset shifts. I can be like that if I’m in work-mode for example and I need to switch my mind out of work mode to be more empathetic and affectionate.

Or, maybe it is an abandonment thing and he has heard or read online that if you give a girl too much attention then she’ll grow bored of you and leave you. (Which IS something I’ve heard ‘dating coaches’ teach.)

Or maybe he IS manipulating you by purposely being hot and cold because it keeps him on your mind and on your toes so that there’s always interest and excitement and confusion which keeps you hooked on him and he wants to keep you hooked. (Which I suppose is closely related to the 2nd explanation, but the difference is motive. The previous motive was fear of abandonment. The motive for this one would be desire for control.)

[Asker]

I know his family was dysfunctional. So he has issues from childhood.

All of what you've stated makes total sense and it could be anyone one of those reasons.

One time, I started pulling away and showed less interest in him. ( not to play games, just because his behavior was causing me too much anxiety ) But he started messaging all the time and being overly nice and affectionate.

What's the best way to deal with it to know for sure what his motive is?

[dynamicyandere]

Hmm. Based on that last piece of information, it seems like he’s more motivated by his fear of losing you.

If he wanted to control you more, that wouldn’t be the right way to go about it.

And if it was the work-mode explanation, he probably wouldn’t have as drastic of a reaction.

So I believe it’s most likely the second scenario—he has a fear of abandonment, he doesn’t want you to leave him, so he’s just reading things online to try to learn how to keep a girl.

The thing is, what he’s doing may be effective with attracting someone initially, but if you want to get past the tactics and techniques and create something lasting, it’s all about building trust, building respect, and deepening your emotional bond and intimacy.

If he’s relying on this ‘game’ then the relationship would only be as secure as long as someone else doesn’t out-‘game’ him.

True security is built on trust and something deep.

The best way to go about this would be to give him reassurance, let him know that you’re there for him, that you’re his and you’re happy to be with him.

Help him feel secure in the relationship and build trust.

Help him feel like he doesn’t have to worry about losing you, because your relationship is strong and you’re a loyal partner.

(Within reason of course. As some people with insecurities can get controlling when you give them an inch and they try to take a mile.)

On his end, he can grow his confidence as well. So if he’s pursuing any goals or trying to accomplish anything, you can show him your love and support and help him achieve more.

You don’t want to nag him to do anything. But, if he’s pursuing a goal on his own, you can show your support and that will help with his confidence and self-worth, which will in turn help him feel more secure in the relationship.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. You've been very helpful and put my mind at ease. Everything you've has helped immensely. I really appreciate you taking the time to help.

[dynamicyandere]

You’re very welcome. I’m glad I could help. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Most guys don't play mind games. Does he have the personality to make you think he is afraid of being hurt?

[Sshinners89]

This literally sounds like my ex Daniel from Limerick Ireland. He would be hot one minute and cold the next. I genuinely think he was cheating on me with someone else.

[spartan55]

You going to have to elaborate.