Do these sound like red flags my husband is cheating?

[Laurennnn1989]

We have been together for 12 years and have always had a great sex life still averaging at least once a week, usually more. Up until recently at least. He has recently stopped going down on me when he used to frequently (everything is still nice and neat and clean as ever!) We had the worst dry spell of our marriage going 2 weeks right before he went on a work trip where some time was lost and alarm bells started going off. I texted him goodnight at 10:30 and when he didn’t respond an hour later I said it hurts you went to sleep without saying goodnight. Nothing until 6:30am he said his phone died and was in the lobby with coworkers til 2am and didn’t want to wake me by responding in the middle of the night. This was 2 weeks ago and his demeanor has been good, he has been sweet and helpful but something just feels off. I’ve been cheated on before in past relationships so I’m struggling with if this is paranoia from that or my intuition. Do these seem like red flags for cheating or should I not rock the boat in what is other wise a great marriage and life?

[Anonymous]

you're paranoid.

such things will happen in a long term marriage. Not texting "good night" to a spouse is not a huge deal. Maybe he got distracted and wasn't on his phone at that time. You can't be married to someone for years and expect them to immediately respond good night every single time you text them. Nobody stays on their phone waiting for their spouses to say good night every night. These things are very minor.

But if you been married to this guy for 12 years and this is the first time you went 2 weeks without sex... then it might be a red flag. But honestly... its quite hard to believe that a married couple had never gone 2 weeks without sex for 12 years.

[Laurennnn1989]

I don't know if you read the whole post but not texting goodnight was absolutely not the problem. It was him claiming his phone died when he easily could have gotten his charger from his room and this is a man who is on his phone 24/7 so it makes it harder to believe. And the only exception to ever going that long was after I had our babies and wasn’t medically cleared for intercourse for 6 weeks but we were still active in other ways during that time

[Opinion Owner]

I've had multiple boyfriends throughout my life. There were definitely times where they would text me good night or good morning where I took over an hour to respond. There were definitely times where my boyfriend would text me good night and I wouldn't see it till the next morning. Should I be crucified due to it? NO!.

Should a man be tied down to his phone waiting for a text from his wife every single hour of his life? Even for people who use their phones a lot, there will be times where they will not be on their phones. You're not being fair. Your husband has his own life to live. You cannot control your husband to such an extent where he should always keep his phone charged so that he can reply to you asap.
Does your phone ever die? Of course! But its just that when your phone dies, there is no problem. But when his phone dies, you go crazy.

If I had a boyfriend who got angry at me every time, I didn't see their text, I would never ever marry that person.

2 weeks without sex may be an anomaly. But sex drive is supposed to change throughout life. Vast majority of married couples have gone 2 weeks without sex. Maybe he is going through some sort of stress in his life. Stress may also affect sex drive. You can't crucify someone for not having sex for 2 weeks. If I had a boyfriend who did that to me, I wouldn't even consider marrying them.

Maybe you can confront your husband on why he hadn't had sex with you in 2 weeks. Try to be understanding. Realize this is a lifetime marriage. Things may change or vary over the course of a lifetime. If I had a spouse who interrogated me every single time , my habits change a little bit, it will be hell.

A good way to find out if your husband is cheating is if he comes home later than usual a lot. Or you can ask to check his phone. Sure it may be a big invasion of personal privacy (since your husband is his own person) but if it gives you a peace of mind. Then do it.

[Opinion Owner]

Your husband is his own person. You are your own person. He does not have to sit by constantly on his phone watching out for a text from his wife. His sex drive can vary throughout his lifetime. He can have privacy to certain things. Just the same way you want privacy to certain things. It does not mean you are cheating if you want privacy.

[Laurennnn1989]

I don't know why you’re creating a narrative that I was angry or nagging him lol not only is that not true at all it was never even implied in the post. There was no conflict I didn’t go crazy and blow up his phone and start calling him when he didn’t respond and when he gave me the reasoning I said ok but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been bothering me and on my mind.

[Opinion Owner]

@laurennnn1989

Its more like your trauma is bothering you, not him. Both those things you described are normal parts of a long term relationship that is bound to happen at some point. There were a few times where I did missed a text from my boyfriend or replied late. I don't think its right to crucify someone just due to such a petty reason. However if this happened much more frequently than before, then it might be something worth looking into.

But I also agree with madhatters4 that certain things will fade over time throughout a long term marriage. The passion will fade. Sex frequency might vary at some point. But you would need much more than this to suspect someone is cheating.

[RavVid]

I think that things seem off usually because they are. The truth is you will never know 100%. Innocent partners deny. Guilty partners deny. You may be reading the tea leaves right or maybe reading them wrong. I imagine there were female coworkers on the work trip.

The phone story seems a little off because if it was important to call or text he could have gone up to his room to charge or maybe got a charge at the lobby.

Faced with suspected infidelity you just have to be judge and jury because there will be no proof either way. However your judge and jury don't have to reach a verdict tomorrow.

You can leave them out pondering and I think that is your best strategy. Best not to make decisions too quickly.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Blaming a man in your present for what men in your past did means no future for the two of you.

I don't know what he does for a living and I wasn't at that conference. Maybe his phone died. Maybe he was banging a midget tranny prostitute upstairs. Anytime someone is out they MIGHT be doing a great many things. If you assume the worst because of prior men, well, sorry, you don't deserve him.

If you're carrying around all this anxiety then I'm sure it has affected your sex life, but ultimately you're going to have to ask HIM why the sex life has gone downhill, then you're going to have to decide if you believe him or not. Whatever you decide though, do it based on HIS merits, not the list of those before him.

[magiusX26]

holy cow this is an awsome way to put things. whole heartedly agree.

[devilish-cutie]

if he was loyal for 12 years its not likely hed cheat, all what you wrote sounds fine, maybe he was just a bit more tired and stressed, give it time. Its always also good to counicate without blame, you can tell you feel he is a bit distant and its making you paranoid probably cause of the past, if he reassures you then its probably okay. Gut feelings are important but by what you wrote there are no clear red flags.

[madhatters4]

i think there are some red flags but not necessarily that he's cheating. i mean it could be but it also could be as simple as less connection between you two, which can be rather normal after 12 years together... but then it also could just be a series of incidents that are coincide with each other leading to what appears to be a problem

maybe just try and chat with him. talk about the recent decline in sexual intimacy and see if there is any reason he feels this has happened.

[236color]

Consider the possibility that he told you the truth. Do you really want to blow up your marriage because he didn't think you'd appreciate a 2 am text/call?

[Laurennnn1989]

So true! Thank you ❤️

[Confuzedgirl22]

I don’t think this is paranoia
I think us women always have a gut instinct sometimes it’s hard to follow. It could be he was with coworkers until 2 am but I don’t believe the dead phone excuse
I would not accuse him of anything but keep an eye open

[knowseeker]

I guess you already know the problem. Don't allow your past experience haunt you in your blissful marriage.

Men don't know how to pretend a lot. If he is cheating on you, his behavior may have changed considerably by now.

Lastly, you don't expect sex to be going on same way throughout your marriage. You should not allow "only sexual satisfaction" stand in the way of your otherwise blissful marriage.

Wishing you the very best and nothing less.

[TdotRep2023]

It's not cheating girl it's lack of emotional connection and boring relationship routines.

[Apple1996]

Definitely cheating

[Anonymous]

If is a man, he is probably cheating.

[DextroShade]

You are being paranoid.

[In_Trance]

No they don't

[PreciousJewel]

He probably cheated

[jimmy2]

Red flags everywhere