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He thought I was a slut and someone not worth respecting when that’s not the truth at all… his actions deeply hurt me… bc I know he didn’t feel that way at first…
I just really hate myself for never feeling good enough
Went through the same thing- for a long time my ex calling me that word stuck with me even though it was false and i started believing i was that in my thoughts but by God's Grace I was reminded by the Lord that I am his precious daughter and that I am who he says I am. Read Song of Solomon 4 vs 7- that's what your Creator thinks
😳 oh no, girl, run lol. Don’t ever let anyone disrespect you and make you feel less than a person.. it’s not worth your heart break :/ I’m so sorry. It’s okay you have feelings for him, but just know you deserve to feel love, respected, and value ❤️
You should really talk to him clear things up
There’s nothing to clear up… he ghosted and after numerous attempts he finally calls and gives closure
Opinion
0Opinion
Trust me he’s the insecure one. This is why never date short thin ugly poor guys.
I thought it was the other way around
But he has a good job, went to a good college ect… I’m so attracted to him… not because of his looks but bc he’s a good communicator and he asked me good questions…
Just felt deeply hurt at the end
First of all I’m so deeply sorry he called you a slut there’s no need for that you are worth everything if you need anyone to message I am here 🥰
Oh no… I thought you said you’d be done posting about this😞
I’m sorry? This is my first post
Judging by the context of this post and your responses to others, paired with the age range it says differently. There’s always key details, and the only way to confirm would be de-anonymizing yourself which i doubt you’ll want to do and it’s fine if you don’t. No judgement from me, hope you’re taking care of yourself and moving on from this guy❤️
I am moving on from him… I just have a hard time with rejection and he just wanted to hookup with me in the end whether you think so or not
It’s not I’m just trying to make sense of it all.. wondering if I deserved it
Hopefully someone else i like more comes along and makes me forget about him bc I’m struggling to just look in the mirror, to talk to another guy without the fear that he wants to use me and dump me.
I just want someone to say that he wants you and you’re not trash. He doesn’t see you as disposable
I keep going in circles
Then he tried to call me a slut
It’s so insane to me that despite how hard you are struggling, the focal point is still finding another man to instill a sense of value in you. Not healing or your betterment, but make validation. No one is going to love you how you love yourself, that means you’ll never be happy with a man until you’re good on your own. You shouldn’t even think about entertaining a guy right now while you’re so vulnerable and broken. Worst version of yourself to bring to the table, and you will absolutely expect the man to not only fix you but love you through all the bullshit. If he can’t you’ll be right back here again with a new story, and so will go the merry go round.
Woahhh I’m not broken. I have some problems but I’m not a broken person
If he truly loved and liked me he would… bc I truly believe that he could have healed me.. that’s why it hurts so bad.
I feel men do have that balance and power.. I truly do
He tried to call me a slut.. I forgot to tell you that
He said “I wonder what your dad would say about your pictures”
Why is he even concerned about if he doesn’t want a relationship… he’s being judgmental
Why does the question have to be a concern? You don’t think that’s something to be curious about? To me, judging would be “why would you post pictures like that online when your dads a preacher?”, that is not only judgy but degrading. I think it would be more judgy too if your dad wasn’t a preacher, but because he is, the curiosity is automatically there. Not even just for this guy, but for anyone.
He was definitely saying that.. like cmon
He doesn’t know that I’m a virgin and bc of my pics
That’s not the Issue I have… the issue I have is why make it seem like it wasn’t a problem when it was… why bring it up now on a date….
That’s the issue
Why have any issue still at all, babe? You talk about this like it’s present tense or just happened last week when it’s been a while now. I’m all for the healing process, but only when there’s progress. None of those feelings you’re burdening yourself with do anything positive for you. You’re creating a whole narrative when you already have the facts, answers, already for your closure, you just don’t want to let him go…
I do want to let him go
I just can’t believe I let him play me
If you’re being honest and you do want to let him go, that means releasing all these questions and conclusions in regards to him. The more you’re asking about this or that, it will just hold you back and keep you feeling as bad as you’ve felt. I’m not quite sure how he played you aside from ghosting, that was absolutely wrong af. In any case, rather than asking questions about why he didn’t choose you, figure out what comes next. Right now you’re kinda stagnant and I hate that for you.
Because I feel like he liked me more than I liked him in the beginning… I thought he was more assertive in possibly pursuing… I liked how he tried to understand where I was coming from before jumping to conclusions and leaving
I mean a lot…. And for him to kind of be disrespectful not only with ghosting but saying rude things like commenting on how I dress was very hurtful
I only asked you this because look at the things you just listed, I don’t know if you even realize that these are just basic qualities a man should give and you’re treating them like rarities. That’s not even the extent of what you deserve, just the baseline, and you really feel like you lost something huge. This isn’t a loss babe, and that’s the point here. Also if his comments on how you dress were genuinely that hurtful then you need to level up how you feel about yourself. I say that with nothing but respect, but that slight of a comment should not hurt or even make you feel anything. Because It shouldn’t matter what he or anyone else thinks about what you wear, you don’t dress for them.
I just thought he cared bc he liked me didn’t want me to dress that way
Yes I would
Well shit I don't know what love is lol I just found it attractive
I like showing my body to guys bc I love the attention…. It would be nice to hear from a guy “who actually values me “ that he doesn’t want me to post half naked pics and that I should have more “respect for myself “… and also they should be just for him.
You want a certain kind of care and concern from a man that you aren’t even giving yourself, don’t you see that? It shouldn’t be about a man not wanting you to post certain things, if you know it’s degrading and/or something your man wouldn’t like then hold yourself in general to a respectful standard, period. My man would never get on me for what I post, but I have enough respect for myself not to do it. That should be your standard too. Be the woman you know a man would be proud of.
Oh yeah. I don’t care anymore. I used to be a goodie 2 shoe…. I just thought he liked me.
I do what I do for attention and validation. Who cares about love. I just have a bruised ego
I learned to never ever ever let a man back in Lmaoo neverrrr.
You don’t need me to tell you that respecting yourself is not being a goody two shoes. You can dress sexy or provocatively and still respect yourself, it’s a mindset thing. To me, those posts of yours aren’t genuine. Because that style is not really yours, it’s just what you know will get attention and pump up your ego. Ask yourself what else would give you that.
True…
He’s gay. I shouldn’t care
Stop bc the trans he’s following is not a friend or family member. She’s a amateur porn star
Like don’t do that… if you would feel a certain type of way about your man following a trans woman with pure porn on her page then allow me to have a problem
That topic is one I’m not entertaining Chels. Sorry but I couldn’t imagine a guy who things didn’t work out with, checking my friends list, seeing I have a trans sex worker as a friend and assuming we have a physical connection off the bat. Not only is that grossly presumptuous but ridiculous because If you bothered to ask, I could tell you that’s my relative or friend and that’s the life they eventually chose. I have no control over their life choices but it doesn’t mean I have to disown or shame them.
Bc stop being a dumb bitch! I’m sorry I had to say it!
If i told you that the page says trans and I’m actively seeing her post videos of her sucking another man’s dick ON HER PAGE! I don't know what you want me to say
NO straight man is going to do that. No even your own FIANCÉ if he’s straight!
So yes CMON!
If this is how you act then I can see how niggas played you! There’s no such thing as being unbiased and giving unbiased opinions…especially when you YOURSELF wouldn’t take half the shit I’m telling you now.
So stop.
No straight man is going to follow such content
I didn’t mean to insult you. I didn’t see it that way. That’s just how I talk
But I think you’re looking at this blindly… it’s way too obvious… I’m saying I think it’s unfair that you want me to see things in a certain way when you yourself would see it the same way I would if you were in my shoes
That’s the frustrating part
But I understand
I wouldn’t dude, I genuinely would not because I’m never going to assume someone’s sexuality based off who they follow. Maybe if it were several trans sex working women, but there’s just one, and you don’t know what ties they have to one another. If that were my relatives page and they’re shameless about their work (how a lot of people have to be in order to do it in the first place) then there’s no reason for us not to be friends. Not every sex worker is in hiding or has a separate identity from their family or friends. It’s small minded to think otherwise.
So you think each porn star or sex worker has that life secretly and separately from their friends and family? Absolutely not. Some women and/or men are totally fine owning what they do because it pulls them in more cashing than all their family combined. They can take care of their loved ones seamlessly with that porn star cash.
Yeah but this isn’t the case
He’s attracted to it and her
Because No straight man would want to follow a trans woman’s sex page. That’s it.
I just can’t believe you don’t see the problem with him following trans porno women and i can’t believe you don’t see through his game.. he wanted to sleep with me and he was disrespectful towards the end
It does hurt that you don’t see it
Yes he is
Yes because you shouldn’t be seeing your friends or relatives naked sucking dick..
But you’re eager to be right… just like with this situation… if you think this isn’t weird.. I can’t trust you with any other opinions….
Everything you said and felt has been wrong
What I’m saying to you now is no more valid than the conclusions you’ve drawn in your mind. Why is my logic so illogical when it’s just as assumed as the narrative you’re creating? I’m so delusional and dumb, but why? Why aren’t you wrong when none of those things you claim are confirmed? Hm?
Because I don’t understand how you say you’ve gon through something similar and don’t see this bs
Yes love, we have gone through such similar situations but I handled it much differently than you, and that’s where you and I differ.
Everything I say to you is with a mentality of moving forward and you’re just gung ho on staying right where you are. I know you get upset with things that I say, but you have to stop trying to villainize me as if I’m somehow in cahoots with this man — I don’t know him, sympathize or side with him. I am just looking at things from both sides when you keep trying to insist me be on solely yours.
All you want is for me to call him a gay asshole who only wanted sex and I can’t say that. Why? Because it’s not valid. You are probably the only woman I can think of who got closure from the guy and a reason for things ending, yet you insist he’s a liar. How can you have had him specifically state why things didn’t work yet refuse to agree with what HE said? How can you be mad at me saying that isn’t sensible?
Okay so why didn’t it work out between me and him? What was the main reason I mentioned?
No because he said he didn’t want to invest his time if we weren’t going to eventually have sex … that was the main reason
What? I’m confused?
I literally told you what he said in his closure
How am full of shit? I told you that!!
That wasn’t the main reason
No Holly … he mentioned being busy but not in that context…
He said in his closure “I don’t want to invest my time if we aren’t going to eventually have sex. (I wanted to wait until marriage).. he said we can check in here and there. He said he didn’t want to go back and forth with me bc I misunderstand what he says
He said you’re perfect nothing is wrong with you
I hope you find a man who loves you the way you need/ want
Look back!
That’s why I was confused 😐
I wouldn’t know where or when to look. Even aside from the fact I comment with other people, our conversations usually last 40+ comments and has spanned nearly 2 months time. I feel like I’ve done a decent job in keeping track of what we’ve said to each other and I do not remember any of that. It makes me feel as though you’re adding it just to keep pushing this idea that he only wanted sex. I haven’t agreed with that logic and it’s like you’re doing whatever you can to have me back that.
I just tried to tag you but I’m the one who asked this question
10 d
Is he justified for ghosting after a date if he knows he’s possibly not getting sex?
You do understand that’s the main reason why I never agreed with you…. I’ve talked about this a lot !
He did only want sex! That’s the reason I kept pushing it!
I know I told you this because I reached back out and told you what he said !
Morning! I went on to bed so I could step back and look at this with fresh eyes.
Firstly, I apologize if I was rude at all, but I was finding that aspect incredibly frustrating because I genuinely could not remember any mention of this. My setting don’t allow tagging, so I didn’t get your @ but that’s still okay, I will not need it, I can still address the statement.
Let’s set the tone now for this conversation and any other we’d have in the future. In my opinion we have not been clashing because of the knowledge that he would EVENTUALLY (I’m using capitals since I can’t italicize) like to have sex. I can actually respect if he was straightforward about not wanting to wait til marriage. A lot of men aren’t upfront about that and would just silently do the work to get you into bed. Sure we could toss in the whole “if he loved me he would wait, or if he really liked me”, but he never got to acquire either of those feelings before things ended with you two, so in any case that logic wouldn’t work for him. We could say he’s a scumbag or man-whore for wanting to eventually hook up before marriage but would we say that about our friends, family or any other “adulterers” we know who had sex before the ring? Can’t condemn him yet all of us get a pass.
You and I clashed because you keep insisting that he ONLY wanted sex, and I don’t think that was the case at all. Yes, he eventually wanted to do it but within those two weeks he was clearly respectful and acceptable enough for you to completely fall for the guy and his qualities. I’d like to think you’d be sensible enough to see such a personal huge red flag (since you know you wanna wait til marriage) and walk away since you two already differed in that respect. Yet you were (and maybe still are) willing to give him another shot and potentially hand over your virginity if you thought it would keep him. This is something I have seen you actually contemplate, like “maybe if I did this”, when that’s not the answer at all.
You were ready to go against your personal beliefs for him, and I for one am glad you’re no longer faced with that predicament because I what you need is a man who’s on the same page as you about celibacy. Your only hope with the African would have been if he changed his mind, and I don’t think that was going to happen.
I’m sure you’ll be pissed that I respect him being straightforward, but the only other way I’d have another viewpoint would be if I took it personally, and I wouldn’t. He doesn’t wanna wait til marriage, neither do several of my friends and some family I have, I know you have them too. I won’t judge people for having premarital sex, just as I wouldn’t appreciate judgment passed for my choices as well. You are super hurt even over the idea of him judging you in any aspect, yet taking it upon yourself to do the exact same thing. As if we haven’t kept bringing up the trans woman or you trying to confirm his sexuality to be gay, over and over.
True but the reason I say sex is all he wanted is because he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship bc he’s not where he wants to be… so if he doesn’t want a relationship and he still wants sex…. Then I’m very confused on what he wanted
I feel like he let me waste his time.
You’re confused about what he wanted? In the end, he didn’t want anything and told you as much once you got on the phone. I don’t know why the intricacies of his reasoning have become so important. What if he’s gay, what if he has a relationship with the trans woman, what if he only wanted sex, none of these points you’re trying to push matter anymore. You have your answers, what’s the point of digging and digging into them?
I say that bc he knew what I wanted in the beginning so why did he reject me knowing I didn’t want sex
This is a great reason why I say he didn’t only want sex, because even knowing in the beginning that this wasn’t on the table, he didn’t immediately go ghost, you still talked, went on your first date.. you were still giving each other a chance at that point and ultimately it just wasn’t a good fit.
No that’s not true… he could have been trying to coerce me into… he was showing some yellow flags…
But I don’t think bc he thought I could have been a ho he might have been waiting to see if I would give in
But him talking about the way I dresss was telling… was he shaming me or was he jealous
Because he wasn’t clear with his messages…and what he wanted… he said one thing then said another… he made it seem like he might have wanted something but then he would say I want things to happen organically
Him not trying to give me basic details about himself but wants to know all about mine… I do think it’s a red flag if a man doesn’t tell you his real name… he gave me his actual number so what is there to hide. I feel he’s secretive…
He wants to know who I slept with but when I ask if he’s with others he doesn’t want to share… “like it’s not my business “….. I didn’t like that
I have a very anxious attachment so some things did make me feel anxious bc I really don’t know if he’s genuine or not… then he started taking longer to reply and then he took 2 days and said sorry I was busy… yeah right you were fucking on someone else
But his actions say it all… he could have told me he wasn’t interested in the date…. He was rude as fuck…
I really wasn’t trying to wait until marriage but I would like to be in a committed relationship first… I was scared he was going to pretend that he wanted a relationship to get into my pants…
None of that sounds like a coercion into sex, babe. It can be a plethora of other things, but not that. You’re saying he could’ve told you he wasn’t interested in the date, but that is your analysis and not fact.
You don’t know how he felt before going on the date, so why keep creating a narrative and tripling down on how you THINK he felt?
Nothings wrong with feeling all the things that you did every step of the way, I can’t can’t get on board with some of these things you’re saying. It’s just too much effort on your end to make heads or tails of what his motives were when he already told you.
So much of your questions have been answered whether you agree with the answer or not. The only things you won’t get clarity about are the topics you’ve run off off with.
I’m just confused on if he liked me… I felt like there was such a change…. Like he didn’t like me…
He looked at other women, he tried to shame me about what I wear and yes it did feel judgy and shameful…
If the date wasn’t good why not just end things on a positive note instead of ghosting… he felt like he didn’t like me…. You really aren’t understanding or listening to how I feel… those things were hurtful and uncalled for
There was no reason to mention it
I think he had interest in you, but you never got a chance for him to “like” you. To me, liking is right next to love. It’s strong enough to act on and build with. You two didn’t make it to that point, and maybe that is what’s upsetting.
If he was looking at other women then of course that’s rude, but I also think he was just looking around because it was so awkward. You were really talking on your own, he was carrying the convo, it was just off. I’m sorry it went that why, but it was just a bad date. Yeah he could’ve not ghosted but I mean join the club, we all experience this at one point or another. The only difference is you actually got closure, it just wasn’t good enough…
I don’t think the date was that awkward I just think he didn’t want to share information about himself and I felt like he didn’t like me enough to open up.
I think him asking when I was last intimate was off putting and then him shaming me and asking if my father approves my pics was very judgmental and not appropriate for a first date.. nothing justifies that… I wouldn’t even feel comfortable asking that
He just didn’t care. I do think he tried to sabotage it
So you agree…. I think there was someone else.
I know exactly how guys act when there’s someone else involved… they always end up doing me like that.
I’m not upset that there’s someone else. I’m upset that I had to be knocked down to make her number one. Why did I have to be shitted on in the process
That’s the issue..
He should have just went with her… I was too imperfect for him to begin with.
Honestly a man could ghost you or “doing you like that” whether there’s another woman in the picture or not.
On top of this, everything we say here (aside from the answer he already gave you) is speculative. We don’t know if there’s another woman, and “I know how men act when someone else is involved” isn’t a valid source point.
I’d never take the conclusions I’ve created in my mind and throw them out as fact. I can be firmly convinced, but without proof it’s not happening.
Why should I trust a guy who I met on a dating app who took interest in my revealing clothing…. We don’t ever talk about that… why would I trust a man who is interested in me by my pics online
That’s not the point… it’s not about how I’m dressed why would he want to entertain a “half naked “ woman
Respectfully babe, I think it’s very much the point, or at least a good part of it. I say this because when dating online, men are specifically judging by your looks when choosing to swipe left or right. If you didn’t want your physical features to be taken into consideration then maybe different pics should’ve been picked, like just headshot selfies or group pics where you aren’t showing too much. But men are going to make what they want out of the images you provide, so be careful about what you share, especially when this is the result.
What do you mean “so situations like this won’t happen “ …. Mmmm ok
He had intentions all along …. But you’re right
That’s doesn’t mean I should be deceived
I did nothing but go to sleep. My dad sent strawberries tho
That’s okay! It was a Wednesday after all, at least you got something☺️. I’m not sure how you were deceived, I also don’t think he necessarily had intentions but was giving you a chance. What context did I use “so situations like this won’t happen” with? I don't know what I’d been talking about, to give you clarification on it…
I don’t think a man who wants something serious or is looking would lie about his name… I even asked if that was his name… he said yes… I understand safety but even on the date he was acting very discreet about it… that’s very sketchy
Disappearing for 2 days
Not texting me at all on Thanksgiving just to say happy Thanksgiving
Him insulting my dad about how I dress…but he’s the one who entertained me
He didn’t want anything long term… and he knew that day one..
Right now I’m really feeling like you just want to lament over this man and not get any better. Whenever one thing about that whole situation leaves your mind, it’s like you instantly backtrack to something else about it that didn’t sit right with you and want to hash that out some more. I say this with nothing but love and respect but I don't know how many more times and ways you can pick apart those two weeks and that date. It’s not healthy, it’s not normal, how many times you’ve gone over this situation on any platform. I personally have no problem talking it through with you, that’s why we always find ourselves here. But I do think it’s fair for me to note that this has surpassed obsession. This is like your coping mechanism to deal with the bigger issues you don’t know how to address so instead you keep going over this one. I feel like you’re unable to really look at what’s happened, take accountability in your part and move on. You will instead keep finding any and every little detail to pick at, which I don’t think helps your cause. There has to be a healthier, better route than this, being so comfortable in misery that you’re afraid to let it go.
I appreciate it…. I don’t see the part I played. Yes I had my guard up bc I didn’t know his intentions… then in the end he doesn’t want to continue if we don’t eventually have sex…
I get that I should have stopped talking to him when I saw some yellow flags but I do feel like he used my vulnerability against me.
Your part was minimal, there wasn’t an opportunity for excess as you didn’t know him very long, but there are things I think could’ve been done differently. Starting with using the sexy pics for your online profile, labeling yourself a placeholder, saying whatever was being said to where he’d say you’re misunderstanding his words (it was something to this effect, I don’t remember the full sentiment), being so quiet during the date and essentially wanting him to take the lead. Calling him all those times, having your friend cuss him out. Things like this that aren’t necessarily deal breakers and I’m not saying they’re the cause of why things didn’t work but they could’ve easily contributed to his decision making. They are also actions to take accountability for despite how embarrassing or cringe they may be, they still happened.
Also, I’m truly not sure how much sooner he could’ve stopped taking to you; two weeks is pretty short to me? Sure if we wanted to be super nitpick-y we could fault him for not ending things the second he felt there were yellow flags, but we can’t confirm that’s how he felt at all and despite the flags you didn’t leave him alone either, babe.
It’s interesting because you’re pretty upset that he didn’t bail the minute he wasn’t feeling it, yet you’re also mad he made this decision to ultimately end it. This is why I reiterate that nothing but being with him would make you happy. You’ve even said it would make you feel good enough, and right now you don’t. I don’t know if you can tell me a way he could’ve ended this that would’ve made you feel peaceful and content. Mainly because you want him so bad even still, you wouldn’t have accepted the end no matter how he put it down. I don’t feel like I’m wrong for saying that.
Nothing is wrong with wanting to protect yourself, you just have to do it the right way. Like it’s ok to have a wall, just be sure there’s a gate in it. Otherwise no man can get to you, or once you decide they can, the damage is already done based off your initial efforts to protect yourself.
So why would a man talk to a woman who has sexy pics up, calls herself a placeholder and other things… if you really think about it…what real man would want that unless he’s trying to do what?
I get the part I played in that but I was still upfront about what I did and didn’t want. He was deceiving and I should have stopped talking to him after realizing a real man of character wouldn’t even entertain what I had to offer.
Again, I never had an issue with his rejection but the way he went about it caused me so much anxiety and sadness bc I didn’t know what went wrong. Ofc I should have left it alone but I do have issues with rejection that’s not well communicated.
I would have appreciated a text saying that he doesn’t want to take things further… it left room for me to overthink because that’s what I do… I still thought we were cool after the date.
Nobody wants to feel like they’re ugly or not good enough. Then seeing him with someone else hurt a whole lot.
If you’ve yet to experience a relationship with a real man, how can you confidently state what you believe he should and shouldn’t do or want? For example, in your mind a real man would vocalize an issue with how you dress and maybe push for more conservative looks, meanwhile my personal experience says otherwise. Arguably most of my non-work attire is sexy, not necessarily because I make it that way but I have some curves and fairly tall (5’6) so often times my dress can be a little short or cleavage shows. My fiancé isn’t on my ass when I wear “sexy” things, because he already knows if another man steps out of line it will be handled. He also knows I’m loyal and what I wear isn’t something to worry about, so for me, this is a real man. Not one who restricts or controls me but protects me and has my back while respecting my freedoms.
As for the placeholder thing, I don’t think it was a dealbreaker statement but I do feel like it played a role in his decision making, that’s all. Like even though you tried correcting it, saying you only meant wanting to take things slow and get to know each other, he’d already started forming his choice to friendzone you.
I’m not sure why you keep insisting that what you had to offer wasn’t something worth entertaining, and I’m not a big fan of overthinking but I understand if you do it. I’d say just don’t write off some of these ideas you have as fact. Even if you’ve managed to fully convince yourself that it was him in the store, I’ll never forget you wondering if that was him based off his stature and how he sounded but never confirming. To this day, you don’t know if it was him but have just settled that it was, so I’m not going to fight you on that lol.
Lol I don’t think you’ve dated or understood black men…. I think you’re used to your other half race… I don't know
I really don’t understand how you don’t see how he was after me from the beginning… he never had any intentions of actually courting me
I think you’re skipping parts of what I’m saying to fit your own narrative. I don’t know how else to tell you that he was wrong and you’re responding in a way that sounds naive.
“I don’t want to invest my time if we aren’t going to have sex”.. while also saying he’s not ready for a relationship only means that he’s looking for something casual like friends with benefits or fb.
My own narrative? Chels, this has absolutely nothing to do with me. I can’t have a narrative in a situation that isn’t mine.
I feel like I’ve been very unbiased, but it’s like since I’m not tearing him down right along with you then I’m against you when that’s not the case. Would you prefer I be fake and just say whatever makes you feel good? I mean I could, but it wouldn’t be genuine or helpful.
I feel like that first bit of what you said was unnecessarily snarky, so maybe you took offense to what I said. I guess things like that can interpret differently through text, plus we don’t know each other like that so it’s fine. Just to clarify, my fiancé is a black man, but we weren’t talking about black men in general, just this African guy, so I don’t think that’s fair.
When I say you’ve yet to experience a relationship with a real man, it was never meant to be a low blow but just a fact. You’ve shared your dating history and I mean, it is what it is. So with that lack of experience, your understanding of men isn’t what it would be if you knew better. I say that kindly of course, I’m just evaluating on a deeper level and honestly, don’t you ever wonder if you play a hand? If I hadn’t seen you first post, I wouldn’t know as much of the story as I do now, and with that knowledge, you’ve progressively laid out this situation to seem worse and worse, when it wasn’t that bad in the beginning. I wonder if this happens with all the men you deal with? I mean something has to be going down, if we’re being honest here….
I really hope you don’t take any of that the wrong way, I try to make sure it comes off as politely as it does in my head when I write it lol. I just wanted to be super super clear about the last part of my comment and say that this is only me trying to look at all the angles. I mean no offense when I say that I do wonder if your actions played a hand, but I only ask because it’s like this was so bad, other things had to happen to get you here. You say you’re a virgin, never kissed or anything, and I do wonder how that happens at your age if you’ve done nothing wrong ever. It doesn’t even have to be purposefully done wrong, but just little things as well.
What do you mean “ something has to be going down “…… I don’t understand
But again, I’ll let it go
He rejected me and in my own opinion he didn’t really respect me
I get it… I dressed like a ho… I was just under the impression that he may have wanted to love me and possibly help me heal..
But I shouldn’t have assumed all that in a short amount of time… I feel like he came correct in the beginning and I admired that
I have to accept that I’m rejected and move on.
I learned not to be so trusting and I need to learn how to detach
Not even saying this to make you feel any type of way, but what you wrote has been one of the most sensible statements I’ve seen you make in a long time. The ownership is what’s important. Being able to say you shouldn’t have assumed xyz, stating what your hopes were and how things could’ve gone wrong, acknowledging how he hurt you but in a fair way. This all shows growth on your end and I hope you’re able to see that too.
Anyway I agree, it’s best to move on. I understand you wanted him to love you and help you heal but I think this is a sign from god that you need to be able to do all that on your own. The answers don’t lie with a man, and this should be the deepest level of hurt you’re willing to experience before realizing that you’re looking in the wrong places.
I truly do not feel like I’d be in a relationship if I didn’t do the work on myself first. I felt so ready in life for a solid relationship yet everything kept being fucked up and disappointing. So I prayed about it, basically said ‘alright lord, I’m done putting myself through the wringer. I’m listening, I’m letting go and letting you lead”. That was at the beginning of 2020 during the worst heartbreak ever and I met my man by chance the end of that year. You never know what god REALLY has in store for you but if you let him take the reigns for real, I promise you will find out.
Also I completely agree! Do not set expectations or invest deeply in a man any sooner than that first 4 weeks.
My personal boundary is 2 months but I know sometimes women get caught up and fall into it sooner, so at LEAST 4 weeks. That’s enough time to feel him out and see how genuine he is. You can tell what his intentions are, and what his consistency looks like.
For example, he should’ve been coming correct start, middle and end, not just the beginning. The moment you saw even yellow flags you should’ve dipped instead of hung in there. That’s what gave him the opportunity to ghost you first, because he didn’t form those attachments too soon and is navigating on a smarter frequency than you were at that time.
For whatever his reasons were, he acted on them and was able to do it with ease because he didn’t put all his eggs in your basket so soon. You were someone he met online, tried things out with and ultimately didn’t work out. There needs to be that much simplicity behind your early-stage decision making as well, because there should have never been those ties in the first place. Doesn’t matter how fine he is, how smart or what his job is, those should be bare minimum qualifications for even just your time Chels. I can’t imagine a clearer signal that it’s time to level up how you date.
I hired a private investigator to see if he has a girlfriend. He ruined my life I’ll ruin his back
Not to mention this is such a 180 and so counterproductive. How do you go from how mature you sounded in the last comment to the extremities in this one? Like I just can’t wrap my mind around a woman your age going to lengths for a man she went on one date with a knee a few days. This has to stop.
This man tried to use me , lie to me and possibly coerce me into sex. He thinks I’m stupid I’ll show him just how stupid I can be. This man would have humped and dumped if I let him.
Why do men always get away with certain things just because they’re men. Men can be evil
I let him play in my face and treat me shitty. Call me crazy idc. Karma is a bish
So like I said, when you get the private investigator and find out he’s seeing someone else, then what?
Not if he’s seeing someone but if he had a girlfriend the entire time…. Bc I’m going to tell her
If I’m unhappy hopefully she will be too
Chels, you’ve got years and years of trauma that are not this man’s fault. The money you want to spend on a private investigator should be going towards affording regular therapy.
I don’t even think you can comprehend how far down you’ve spiraled. Like now you think he has a girlfriend, yet before he was gay with a trans lover, yet on top of that you were STILL willing to give him a chance.
You repeatedly note his negative attributes yet despite all that you still think he’s too good for you, deserving a high caliber woman, then you backtrack and say he’s a user and only wanted sex. You want to be a cam girl and pole dancer but simultaneously angry at a man if they sexualize you. You’re all over the place and it’s just so erratic.
Please get help, I’m not even saying that disrespectfully but you need it. I’m sure you aren’t even talking to your friends or parents about this anymore, just holed up in your room in these apps driving yourself crazy.
So you’re agreeing with him that I come off as unstable over text?
But he did want to use me.
You’ve never said to me that he called you unstable. What you have said is that you misunderstand the things he says, which I can agree on because there’s things I’ve said in the past that you took out of context. Sometimes I believe it’s purposely done but that neither here nor there.
Yes, I do feel like your behavior has become unstable and erratic, it’s my belief speedster from whatever he has in his mind. I can’t speak for that man. I personally judge this based off how your take on those dates have progressively become worse and more irrational.
You say you can’t afford a therapist, then you shouldn’t afford a private eye. Save that money to better yourself.
So before the meet up he kind of did give an ultimatum that we should meet up or stop talking bc we were wasting eachothers time
But he did say “no offense but you come a little bit unstable over text….” He said he would walk away from his phone and come back and see a text from me and kind of get upset. I forgot exactly what he said … but he said he would usually ignore or block
That’s when I asked him why he still talks to me and he said he didn’t know
So that’s why I think I just wasn’t pretty in person
Ohhh okay, got it. I don’t think you’ve ever given me much context of what was actually said within those conversations leading up to the date (and of course you never had to anyway lol), just bits of things here and there. What about your texts could’ve upset him or made him call you unstable?
Things like that, where you said you ask why he still talks and he said he didn’t know, contributed to why I don’t think he solely wanted sex. I know he said he wanted that eventually (which I can’t fault him for when plenty of people do this premaritally), but I do think he was just going with the flow.
I disagree with the part about your looks, because you personally have always struggled with the insecurity. I believe you told me you used to get (or want?) plastic surgery when things didn’t work out with a guy. Even though you outgrew that, it was an extremity and something you will always carry with you and contribute it to why things don’t work with a man. All you gotta do is work on your confidence Chels because you’re not an ugly woman.
I think he is a gaslighter and manipulator… before we went on the date I felt like he wasn’t “serious “ about taking things slow. I told him I was open to taking things slow and he asked “what does that entail “
I felt like that was an odd thing to reply….
But I told him I was open to getting to know him first and that’s what I was trying to do but I felt some yellow flags after that.
I felt like he wasn’t honest about his first name, he took 2 days to reply and then came back and replied “sorry, really busy”…I felt like I couldn’t get information out of him … I was trying to ask him about school bc he had his college on his profile… I tried to get to know him but I felt like he wasn’t trying to and he took hours to reply… and that’s when I should have stopped talking to him… to me that’s hints of him possibly having a gf…. No text on Thanksgiving…. Just weird energy and I just snapped…
I feel like I was getting no where with him and it was causing anxiety. I accused him of lying and I went off a bit over text
That’s when he said “I don’t deserve that and you should really take some time to yourself before talking to someone “
But I think a man who is trying to gaslight you will tell you that instead of addressing the problem at hand…
I should have bounced when “games were played” but I didn’t believe he was playing games at that time
He only wanted sex bc he didn’t want a relationship
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