How do I handle my partner with anger issues towards other people?

[WanderEmptySpace]

He easily gets offended by his colleagues, I tell him just ignore it, because if you give in the bullying they’ll continue. But he can’t keep quiet and want to speak up. His current job he wants to quit soon too. Also today 27-02-2024; we bought a house and live here quite happy for almost a year now. The neighbours were nice (so we thought). But recently they bang doors and make other loud sounds, in the middle of the night. But he was pissed, because the neighbours were disturbing MY SLEEP. Which is sweet that he thinks of me (he was still awake chilling in the living room). But his solution was to bang all the doors and shouting threats. I beg him to not do this. He said: “We shouldn’t ignore this, let them taste their own medicine!”The worst part is, we don’t know which next door neighbour did it. So we are making more enemies. Well I couldn’t sleep after this incident, my heart is pounding because I don’t want any more trouble and have bad blood with the neighbours. Mind you we moved house because we lived in a rented apartment before with horrible upstair neighbours (loud music and purposely throwing things on the ground) so I just don’t want this whole thing to repeat again. Because we saved up a lot of money to buy this house. Also in public he don’t like when people look at us a certain way, or make awful comments; he will start a fight so I have to pull him away. I can ignore things easily, but he can’t he want justice for people who doing us wrong. I don’t know if his method is right or mine method. We are together for almost 12 years now, and I love him dearly. He loves me too much, so when people disturb my sleep or say/do awful things to me. His reactions are worse. But if it’s towards him he’ll be angry but not as much. Still not healthy tho. I want the best for him, I don’t like to see him struggle with all this anger and hold grudges. I hurts me to see him like this, because I love him so much. What can I do to help him? Please!

[Anonymous]

He likely had a real screwed up child hood. He’s got an issue about “being respected”. This usually stems from messed up parenting.

It’s an ego problem. And believe or not many seemingly “nice guys” have terrible ego problems. We quietly hold on to grudges because we don’t know effective ways to release our anger. So we then get worked up over minor bs.

This is often due from being over-disciplined and/or controlled from overbearing parents growing up. Either than he might have a mental condition (ADHD). I had an extremely controlling mother who would always assume the worst about me and criticize me every second she got. Her motivation was due to her own deep insecurity about being having a “respectable” image to people.

Anyway he has a insecurity about being “respected” and/or for people to view the world how he sees it. He probably was once a nice guy and had people take advantage of him and/or label him a pushover (absolutely NO man ever wants to be called that).

He needs psychotherapy because this stems from past trauma that he hasn’t brought to peace with. He likely buries it and tries to “man up” about it. But that ultimately screws up his judgment.

[WanderEmptySpace]

The things you’ve mentioned, I recognise it. He was a nice guy before to everybody, but people indeed saw his kindness as weakness and he got backstabbed. Slowly I saw him change and he don’t trust nobody anymore except for me. Indeed get worked up over things easily, I tell him just ignore it; than it will not continue. But he can’t wants his justice for people who do him wrong. Thank you for your POV.

[Opinion Owner]

He needs to get counseling. Takes ones to know one by how he’s acting.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s painful for me to hear about how’s acting. A bit of reflection of my own behavior.

But he can improve if he recognizes it. He’s got some deep seated grudges he struggled to let of. He needs psychotherapy because the stress of thinking that way will eat him alive (and harm what you two have)

[Opinion Owner]

@wanderemptyspace just FYI this one has hit a deep chord with me. If you want to DM over it let me know.

If your boyfriend doesn’t get this under control it will at some point hurt your relationship. This led to me sabotaging a good thing years ago. I hate to see him do the same.

[Purpleronnie]

Sounds like he needs to talk through his anger issues with a professional. I love that you want to help him , that’s really supportive but you’re too close to the situation. Anger issues like that can be linked to trauma , anxiety etc and hole you care for him deeply and want him to get better he has to see that he is not handling things correctly as the first step and this can be very challenging. This needs to happen though. The more people close to him that love him and support him that tell him this truth can only help though. Good luck 🍀

[SueShe]

What your partner needs is professional anger management sessions that can help him with his issue. The problem is that he will never agree to seek professional help because if he does agree, it means that he realizes that he has an issue. To him all the others are at fault and not him.

Ideally, he should realize that his behavior is slowly eating you away and that it is not good for both of you. He will increase his blood pressure and heart rate to such an extent that he will ultimately damage it and for you, it will send you spiraling down to a full blown depression every time something happens that makes him get upset.

I would recommend that you prepare a list of issues that you see within your relation and to each issue, you bring up a solution to the problem. Ask your boyfriend to do a similar list, independent from yours. Thereafter, you sit together and go over both lists trying to find a consensus that is acceptable to both parties. The important thing is not to be angry or accusing because that would not only falsify the outcome but make things only worse.

However, make sure you are not cornering him where he has no place to escape. The fact that you take time to go over a list should indicate that you care enough to address this problem because it is eating you up. Good luck.

[WanderEmptySpace]

What other people are doing is wrong, but his response/reaction to the situation is not good either. He tries his best to keep it civil, but people keep crossing his boundaries: example the noisy neighbours. Than they get it back but worse.

[JacobJordan]

Well it is his responsibility to protect you that is one thing all true men have. That being said yes he is going to far. Clearly he has a short temper and to combat that he needs to learn that some things are not worth the effort. He can only find that on his own. He may benefit from having a chat with other men. I totally understand where he is coming from I went through a similar period myself I. My early 20s I went through a period of playing super loud sine waves to piss of neighbors that kept making noise. Ultimately I had to learn that while it felt good short term Ultimately it changes nothing. Better to be diplomatic first then resort to extremes when all else fails. He is not doing anything wrong and he needs to understand that. He is just skipping a step that one learns with time and experience. When it comes to the neighbors having a chat about slamming things late at night wakes you and him up (a lie but whatever) and he would appreciate if they could be a bit quieter

[WanderEmptySpace]

Wow, your comment is the best by far. That you read carefully and try to understand why je do this (where he is coming from), what I’ve seen they say he need anger management/therapy and medicine (which is also a solution) Thanks a lot for your POV!

[JacobJordan]

Of course. Just have an open communication with him tell him that while you understand why he is upset you it is not worth the effort at least not right now. Many times he can resolve the issue without the anger just by talking. Sometimes people are not paying attention to how much or little noise they make. So talking them can fix it

[RavVid]

Sounds like he has a somewhat destructive angry personality. If neighbors are making too much noise than the best thing to do is politely ask them to keep it down. Not slam doors to be as loud as them which they probably won't hear over their own door slamming. Not as if you are going to stop them sleeping.

It does require him to want to be a calmer person for his own benefit preferably but for yours if not. People could get addicted to the endocrine hormone rush. I think in the first place ask him to be calmer for you.

The old school count to 10 with deep breaths does work. Maybe have alternative actions - you don't know where the door slamming is happening so you ask neighbors to locate them.

I'm a bit surprised about insults in the street. Why are they happening? Forgive me but is it how you are dressed? That could be easily overcome.

Street fights are unpredictably dangerous and it sounds like he will get one. Punches can and do kill.

[WanderEmptySpace]

At my old place, he was being civil and asked nicely many times. But it became worse and worse. In the middle of the night; dropping things loudly, running up and down on the iron stairs outside (which is close to our bedroom, so we have to sleep in the living room). They always made up excuses and showed anger to him. My partner was done being nice; so he knew they start to sleep at 7am, he begins to slam our doors and hitting the iron stairs which is connected to their unit. Let them have a taste of their own medicine. But it was a living hell there.

Now at our new place, when sound happend in the middle of the night again. My partner don’t trust them and he feel when asked nicely it will be worse like before. But I talk to him about this issue in our new neighbourhood that I don’t want to make more enemies, he regretted it and didn’t want me to feel this way. Somehow there was no sound this past days :)

But about going outside, I think it is because we are Asians, in a place where you don’t see a lot of them. Sometimes get racist slurs to our heads…

How I dress shouldn’t matter tho; but I like to dress feminine (not in trampy/skanky way) apparently my style/fashion people are not used to it nowadays?

[RavVid]

Ah! that makes more sense. I didn't think of racist slurs because because race is never in my mind. I thought of dress because a girl I went out for a little while got comments a couple of time. Another girl even threw a bottle at her!

Didn't understand that at the time because the most she did was show midriff but she was attractive. The girl who threw the bottle was probably angry she was getting noticed more.

So I was projecting - sorry.

[strateguy632]

back away, do not try to advise him because you risk him turning his anger toward you. must not get involved.

[WanderEmptySpace]

He will be just pissed that I don’t let him stand up to those “bullies” he is not angry with me.

[laly520]

he has to seek therapy

[Alex-Snow]

Does he need to see someone or get some therapy?

[Anonymous]

Maybe take him to anger management

[KrakenAttackin]

He needs therapy and possibly medication.

[WanderEmptySpace]

The therapy part I can understand, but the medication for what?

[KrakenAttackin]

Well, his anger may stem from anxiety or depression. A counselor can do an initial assessment and perhaps do a referral to a psychiatrist for meds (if necessary).

[WanderEmptySpace]

Thanks for the enlightenment, I’ll bring this topic up with him.

[nawtee_me]

Leave him now….

[WanderEmptySpace]

Umm, no. He doesn’t show this kind of anger towards me; in the 12 years we’ve been together…

[nawtee_me]

Anger issues are anger issues. When there is no one else to take it out on, he will still lash out somewhere.