How do I help my partner with his anger issues?

[Anonymous]

Most the time my partner is the most softest, gentle, kindest person you'll meet and that's the person I fell in love with.

I do blame myself as I do try to do good by him but a lot of the time I mess it up. For example not to long ago I was cooking dinner for us whilst he was doing jobs around the house. I actually did something to the oven and it stopped working, he kept calm but then a number of things started to happen. He couldn't find his tools around the house because I'd put them away as he leaves them laying around and his mum came over and put a bag of concrete on top of his box the bag also had a split in it so he decided to throw it across the room after I'd just cleaned the house. He ruined my shoes and his own by doing this. He also broke a light and punched a hole in the wall. I decided to walk away and hide upstairs from him as I can't deal with him when he's like this.

Later on he came to apologise to me and I was very hear to packing my bags and going to my mums.

Then last night he came home from doing 12 hours at work he started 2 days ago. I thought it be nice if I treated him to Mcdonald's after work. We arrived at McDonald's and we couldn't even get in the car park it was so busy, I could see his anger boiling so we decided to go to his mums and get his work boots but his new work car had arrived as well that day so we were playing around with that.

Then later on we went back to McDonald's to get something to eat. Everything was find but he told me to shut up talking to him and eat my dinner as he wanted to go home and get ready for the next work day as he was up 6. When we get back the theatre club had parked outside are house and all down the street so we couldn't park are car anywhere.

They do this a lot and are pretty Inconsiderate people as they make a lot if noise to up till 10 at night. He got really angry and started hitting the cars etc. He even tried to call the group to have a go. Then he remember he forgot his work boots

Updates

6 mo

He exploded like nothing I'd seen before and I've see a lot. He drove back to his mums. I called her warn her he's is a bad way and he was very rude to her to. He came back home again and he was hanging around outside looking to argue with the car owners I called his mum as I got scared. My partner is 30 may I add. I thought if they see any damage to there cars and he starts a fight that's it the police will come and then what. His mum sorted him out and later on he broke down crying

Updates

6 mo

I tried to comfort him and he said he just hates his life at the moment and he's got so much on him. He said he hates himself for getting angered all the time over little things but his dad and sister are just the same too.
He has got a lot on I will amit that and if he seeks help for is issues his life will be over as he works with guns not but he has EVER used his gun when angered or threatening I strongly believe he never would

[Anonymous]

That’s scary. I don’t think you’ve mentioned that he’s ever laid his hand on you but with his anger issues and how violent he could get over little things it’s just… I’m scared for your safety. He needs professional help.

It is common for guys to express their emotions in anger but they don’t go around punching the wall… He just seems immature and is not in control of his emotions. You won’t be able to help him, no matter how gentle you are with him, only he himself AND a professional can help him. Trust me, I’ve been there and it’s not gonna get better unless he gets help

[Asker]

He has never laid a hand on me and if mum has told him if he ever does she will kill him. He says he never will and sometimes I make out like I'm scared he will just to calm him down and realise what he's doing but deep down I know he never would hit me. He never gets mad at me more at the situation he's in but at times he's tried blaming it on me and others

[Opinion Owner]

Still, getting mad over little things and even trying to blame it on you or others is toxic behavior. He needs to find a healthy way to channel his rage. You can’t keep making excuses for him, he’s 30… I know you think you can change or save him but you won’t, if he is hating his life right now then he needs to do something about instead of blaming the world around him.

I’ve been with a guy like that, I ended up hating myself and he ended up using me as an emotional punching bag. He never got physical but bcs I was always gentle with him he ended up getting too comfortable and would gaslight me all the time. It kills you inside

[Asker]

We've has a long talk about it today and he says he's gonna start working on it. Now when he's getting stressed he's gonna tell me and if I think he's boiling over the edge I have a code word. He's also going to in the spare room now when he feels like he's gonna rage and get a stress ball.

I think he has anxiety as I don't think he wants to get angry and it's more like a boiling point he gets to. Everything is fine and he's calm and then things start building up to anger and he snaps.

I know it only sounds like little things but at least he's showing effort to change now

[Opinion Owner]

He needs therapy for anger management. Period. It’s nice he wants to take a step back whenever he feels like he’s gonna go over the edge but he needs to find a way to self regulate those anger. Breathing exercises maybe?

He’s not fine and calm bcs deep inside the anger are building up like you said. He needs to find a way to let off steam and vent, have a weekly mental check up and just talk things out with you/someone he feels comfortable with - just vent and dump the stress out. Maybe start journaling, go running, anything really to let off steam.

[HelpfulWoman]

No. this dude is an asshole and using you to blame life happening.
THIS is not a man to date, that is a CHILD to put in the naughty corner.
Blaming yourself? Girl, find some standards that are higher than the ground for yourself and your partner. This ain't it.

[Asker]

I know that might be how you see it from the outside but a lot of men really struggle with there emotions and anger is the only one they feel they can express. a lot of issues with male mental health is over looked as them being a ass hole or a bad guy when really they need help and understanding not people to hate them

[HelpfulWoman]

no. fuck off. you want to be a dumbass and date a bum, thats on you.
Good day troll.

[boggboss]

Text book example of a man that can't control himself and a women made to believe its her fault he clearly needs anger management

[boggboss]

Amazing a guy who is clearly a loose cannon that works with guns guess I'll see him on the news sooner or later because he is too scared to get help what do u honestly think will happen here he will magically wake up and just be fixed

[Asker]

I know he needs some kind of help and believe when I say he would NEVER use his gun, that's never even came to his head when angry. If he gets help he'll lose everything and that will only make things worse so the only thing I can do is try and work on this with him

[boggboss]

You are not a trained professional and have bo clue how or what to do to help him just because u love him dont mean u can help him he clearly has issues and ur promises of him never using his guns means nothing as before u had ever seen him rage thats somthing u would never of imagined him doing u also can't promise what he will or won't do when he is raging as clearly he is not in controll of himself after otherwise he wouldn't be apologising about it or crying because he knows he has done wrong that he feels bad about ehat he has done but continues to do it either shows he is lying or loses control when he rages if he dont get professional help someone will end up hurt or dead because of his actions

[Asker]

If I leave which I won't because I do love him even if the side of him you are seeing seems bad, he's really not 50% of the time he's the type of man who will do anything to help people and do good but when he doesn't get his way he flips. If I leave that would only cause a downwards spiral.

I think he struggles because and I've told him this myself is that he grow up very privileged and he's seen his family get everything that worked for and become successful and have great life's and now he's out on his own he's realising adult life isn't that easy and he expects to be at the same level his parents were at his age but he's not and he takes it out on the ones he loves most because he knows they'll forgive him

[boggboss]

It doesn't even matter if he is normally a nice guy u are explaining a man that gets into fits of anger and rage which cause him to act violently even without his job aside this is the type of man that will end up dead or in prison due to this unless he gets help added to that he works around weapons that we both know for a fact he shouldn't the reason he would lose his job if he seemed help is because its common sense people who are unstable shouldn't work with weapons he fits that description again its irrelavent that this might not be how he is all the time but that he goes into these states even once a month will be the reason he ends up dead or in prison because he is scared of getting the help that could save him from ruining his life u can't fix the problom or him

[boggboss]

The reason men lile him suffer and never fix the issue is because men never seek help for their mental health and here is another example of this

[HelpfulWoman]

@boggboss At this point I'm just calling troll. I know idiots are around but jesus Christ.

[boggboss]

Its either a troll or we was witness to a future active shooter meh hopefully it's a troll tho

[Asker]

Unfortunately not a troll

[Asker]

We live in the UK so no shootings over here really since the 90s. He works as a game keeper that's why he works with guns more pacifically shot guns. So I doubt he'd get very far as active shooter If you're ever shot a shot gun they aren't the lightest and easiest to handle

[boggboss]

The reason we in the UK don't have big shooting events is because the level of scrutiny we put on people handling them but your partner again sounds like the exact opposite of who should be handling them and sure they might not be light or easy to handle but the damage they can cause even without it being used for people is crazy

[Asker]

I've spoken to him before about this and he gets very quiet and embarrassed of his behaviour. I say to him "what do you think will happen to yours and mine livelihoods if you get arrested for your behaviour?". He goes all nervous like a school boy in trouble. I've asked him if he's ever felt like using his guns when angry and he's always been very insistent but he wouldn't dream of hurting anyone I'm anyway nor do I believe he's capable enough.

Deep down he's a very sweet, sensitive person just I don't know what to do with him anymore. I can't remember how many times I've made him promise to me but he'll stop acting like this

[boggboss]

It dont matter how many times he promises or that he is a sweet person he is a person that goes into fits of anger where he can't control himself he needs help u are not capable of giving him that help weapons aside he will end up hurting someone in a fit of rage one day and he will lose his job anyway and go prison or die

[Asker]

I'm not disagreeing or agreeing with you on this I totally understand why you'd think the way you are thinking but he's not that type of person. I know my partner and I know he'd never hurt another human being in anyway. When he was hitting the cars he didn't even leave a mark and I even tried my hardest not to laugh because he obviously knew if he hit them he'd get into trouble and was just touching them lightly to seem like he was doing something. I even said once in the house "could you have tapped that car a little lighter?"

He's a little pussy sometimes if someone bigger came out and shouted at him, he'd shit himself and run inside

[HelpfulWoman]

As if you think this makes it any better. Man child being a man child.(not bogg!) Idiot troll being an idiot troll. Gag never changes I guess

[Asker]

The thing Is there is no one bigger then him. I'm 5ft and he's 6ft2. Sometimes when he's going off on one I'm actually thinking to myself should I just leave him at it so he can learn his lesson and get a arse whopping from someone bigger then him so he never does it again or let that person have a go at him back and let him make a fool out of himself

[boggboss]

So then he will get himself killed if he is a pussy as he will end up raging at a guy who will fuck his shit up u say u understand your man yet u are on gag asking how to help him because u have no clue how to stop him from raging even tho he has promised u before do u not see how nothing u say is adding up

[boggboss]

And not only will he get fucked up but he will still be able to lose his job because it will come out that he is not fit to handle weapons due to his anger if he ever got reported

[Lyndsielee666]

That’s 100% going to turn physical eventually. Get out while you can

[jahaims]

Therapy