Is he just using me or does he have feelings of any sort?

[Mufflone]

I (F36) recently ended a long-term relationship of 14 years with my boyfriend and one of the causes has been the crush that I have been feeling for the guitarist of my band (N), who I have been knowing for the last 2 years. I liked him and found him really attractive from the first time I saw him and these feelings, among other factors, made me understand that I was unhappy in my relationship.

At the beginning of this year, during a night out, we made out and almost had sex (I decided to stop because I still was with my boyfriend), while a few days ago we had a full intercourse. The fact is that he knows that I like him and when we talk about it he talks about me only in "sexual" terms or says that he loves me but as friends, but still acts as he cares (he remembers the things that I said months ago, for my birthday he made a handmade gift for me, when I am in a bad mood he always notices and asks me if I'm ok). I also talked about this situation to another band member who I am friends with and he said that he thinks that N likes me and was sure that we already have been having intercourses. To complicate the situation there are some

* he is married but says that he regrets it and is having sexual issues with his wife;

* we both started our present (his) and last (mine) relationships when we were young so we both hadn't got the possibility to explore sexuality;

* we both have been suffering from depression and neglect as children and are being following therapy, so this helps me to understand somehow his mind but at the same time I know that can lead to toxic situations;

* I don't have many friends and see my band mates as a second family, so I fear to ruin everything with this crush;

* we were drunk both times we had sex;

* he is a caring person who always fears to hurt other people, still he acts with me as he is, so he doesn't care about my feelings?

Please guys, give me your honest and brutal opinion as clearly I am not being objective when it's about him.

[Finchie40]

Well the fact that he is married and the fact that you have a boyfriend , you are both cheaters and you both are best to end your relationships before having sex with each other again , because if his wife finds out or your boyfriend finds out, that you are cheating , that can stir up the pot and cause a lot of conflict and drama in your lives , so you are best to have a talk with your band mate and find out what his true intentions are with you? You are still best to end your relationship with your boyfriend , since you are unhappy with him and you already have your answer, that you truly don’t value him anymore because you cheated on him. So don’t be selfish and break up with your boyfriend so he can move on and find himself someone that actually loves and values him , don’t string him along for your selfish behavior. You already proved you do not love him. As for the band mate , you are best not to have sex with him anymore until he ends things with his wife , that’s if he chooses to do so , if he doesn’t end things with his wife , you will have your answer that he only wanted you for sex and nothing more.

[236color]

Messing with a married person is a bad idea. Even if he leaves her, you know he can be unfaithful, he was with you. I accept that your current relationship wasn’t working, but do not trap yourself Ina messy, doomed to failure entanglement with a sexy cheater.

[perpetualsadnessss]

It sort of depends... what has he been saying about the future? Did he ever imply a future with you? Has he ever expressed or showed how much you mean to him? Is he leaving his wife anytime soon? Does he still love the wife? Is he the first to reach out to you during times of quiet communication? I don't know enough to answer but it sounds a bit like you might be in a situationship.

[DishLady]

So you lost me at “HE’S MARRIED”…. Girl… step away from the unavailable man…. It’s a big wide world out there. Find your own guy. It doesn’t matter what he IS or ISN’T doing… he’s not available.

[Makeushiver]

Of course he is a caring person. That always seems to be the way it is. I wouldn't let that interfere with what you want though as he is likely well aware off how caring he is and is likely using it to guilt you. Ending relationships will always hurst someone. That doesn't mean it needs to be you. If there is any way to gently tell him something along the lines of, " I know you are saying you want me to say but do you really want to be with someone who has actually already chosen someone else?". Tell him he may be correct and you will regret leaving him, if that is the case and he is available perhaps at some point in future I'll reconsider but based on my current feelings staying together benefits no one though you believe that's what you want.. The fact is, is you were to go along with what he wants he would be making you feel guilty much of the time and would likely remain resentful and unhappy despite what he thinks. Takes a great deal of courage and just because I can say what to do does not mean I could do it easily. Good luck.

[spartan55]

First of all, you are BOTH cheating trash. Do whatever with that fact, but looking towards that guy (guitar player dude) is a huge mistake. He told you CLEARLY that you are just a piece of ass to him, were you listening. Second, he's married.. I shouldn't have to explain why that is a problem.

[Iron_Man]

This is horrible. You’re not a little kid where you start getting a crush on a guy that plays a guitar in the band you’re an adult especially after being with your boyfriend for 14 years you don’t do that. This is betrayal, abandonment and insubordination on the relationship.

[Mufflone]

Hi, thank you for sharing your opinion. I understand that maybe it's not clear from my post, but I didn't leave my boyfriend of 14 years for a crush (that was one of the reasons, not the reason).

[Iron_Man]

Unacceptable you cheated on him I even read more now I don’t want to discuss this anymore

[molonski2]

Its kind of a ticking time bomb I reckon..

With all those things going on , I'd say he does have feelings but its difficult right , I'd try and keep it going on a casual basis , and try starting with a sexual encounter sober.

[EmmaMary]

@Mufflone

So, you're 30 going on 36, or 36 going backwards to being 30... Something certainly doesn't add up here all. lol

[SotiCoto]

Ask him yourself.
You obviously aren't thinking straight if you believe any answer you get on this site would be more informative than just asking him directly.

[WhitneySnow]

He likes you likes you but he’s married and he probably won’t leave his wife

[on_my_knees]

You lost me at "intercourse"

[Radiate143]

Yes. He is.