I asked a guy does he have kids and then he started to avoid the question, why?

[Anonymous]

he knows it’s a dealbreaker. He said he’s going to tell me tomorrow when I pressed him about it.

at first he was like ” why can’t we first get to know better before I tell you”

i told him it’s a important question and that’s why I want to know sooner or later.

am I in the wrong?

[HollyK21]

He has kids, or one kid, like there’s no good reason not to just flat out say he isn’t a dad otherwise. The question is why is he keeping that secret? Like does he not have custody? Did he do something wrong related to those children? It seems as though he’s trying to reel you in so you won’t leave once you learn the truth, but I hope you wouldn’t be naive enough to keep building romantic feelings for him blindly like this only to find out he’s a dad. There’s just too many fish in the sea to keep traveling this road.

[Asker]

I feel like my options are limited. I’m turning 30 this year and due to our culture people might view me as ”spinster” . I feel like maybe I should give him a chance? He’s 6’5 and is doing his engineering degree. It should take him 1 years to graduate. I like how he’s really pursued me. He has things going on for him (well I do like how tall he is and that he’s doing his studies in engineering)

[HollyK21]

There’s never a good reason to blatantly ignore glaring red flags. You think he’s the only tall guy within your culture doing something with his life that you could meet? Absolutely not, so why settle? Why abandon your boundaries and standards at any capacity just for the sake of not being alone? I didn’t meet my current partner until I turned 30, and at 32 I find it quite bizarre for you to even use the word spinster. This isn’t an old age range, you are perfectly capable of having children and all that throughout your 30s.

So while on one hand I understand your hesitation, you don’t want a man with kids. That’s your boundary. There is no good reason for him to not tell you he has kids, or a kid, and honestly you should be more concerned with why that is than worrying about losing this man you think is so perfect and amazing.

[Asker]

He did eventually tell me that he had multiple kids smh :/ they live in another country with his mom smh

[HollyK21]

Multiple? Omg that’s just awful🤦‍♀️ sorry girl. I wish you hadn’t have even talked to him anymore once he started trying to buy himself time. But it is what it is, you’ll find better!

[Asker]

He was trying very hard to convince me that him having kids don’t matter. Today he started our conversation how in his eyes I’m the most beautiful girl in the world etc. You think he was just manipulating me :/

[HollyK21]

That’s definitely love bombing. Please cut contact with this person. I know you’re disappointed, even a little sad but there’s no better time to be done than now, when feelings aren’t so strong.

[Asker]

Do you think he’s desperate for a woman for him to act that way?

[HollyK21]

No, I think he’s promiscuous and gets what he wants from women before disappearing. Sometimes it results in pregnancy. Religion doesn’t even matter in this case, I knew a Muslim guy within my friend group for a few years who was very religious, as was his family yet he was always on dating apps, dating and discarding women, it was awful.

[Asker]

I think he’s quite serious since he’s multiple time said he’s ready for marriage (we’re both married)

[HollyK21]

That does not mean a single thing, these are quite literally just words and I truly do not understand how after find out he has MULTIPLE kids that you DONT want, you are still defending your position to continue on with him. Now you don’t strike me as a desperate woman but to consider tossing aside your values because he’s tall and is a finesser, would suggest otherwise.

[HollyK21]

Wait rewind, you’re already married? Both of you?

[Asker]

No he’s said he wants to get married eventually sfter getting to know better. Like he’s dating to het married and he’s also askef if I’m open to getting married

[HollyK21]

Okay cool, now maybe you can address the other comment I made. How can you even consider continuing on with this man after finding out he has multiple children that you don’t want? I mean as of now he is only someone you are speaking with, and yet you are creating this sense of adamant loyalty to him that he has not even worked for. Is it really that important to have someone rather than be patient? Is it really worth the lies and deceit? I don’t think so.

[Asker]

Sorry it was a typo. I meant to say we’re both muslims

[HollyK21]

No worries. Are you ignoring my other question? Or you just don’t have a good answer?

[Asker]

Yeah he’s been deceitful and that it’s self is turn off. I will right him tomorrow a text that I don’t want to continue this anymore. Also my family wouldn’t except him. He comes from lower caste than me (unfortanely where I come from there’s caste system)

[Asker]

Accept him*

[HollyK21]

I don't know what a caste system is but altogether, thank goodness. It was weird for him to hold off on telling you that anyway.

[DishLady]

A guy told me once, “I’ll tell you later,” and avoided the question I had asked him for another full month, even throwing the question back in my face, which wasn’t ok… If a guy is doing this to you about a major issue/dealbreaker then cut him off and drop him. You deserve an honest guy.

[Asker]

Yeah it’s off putting how he was avoiding my question. He knew I wouldn’t like his abswer

[DishLady]

Or he’s hiding something shady. Who tf knows…

[meepmeeperton]

That pretty much tells you he has kids but likes you and wants to buy time to charm you out of your dealbreaker.

Either that or the unlikely scenario that he had a kid that died or something and it's a touchy subject for him and now you're an asshole...

[Asker]

He seems like he’s very into me but that’s something I want to know soon. It’s kinda deceptive he wants to witheld that information.

[meepmeeperton]

It is deceptive but at the same time women tend to have arbitrary standards they will get rid of if they really like a guy after getting to know him. Not that your standard is arbitrary just saying that's probably where his head is at and there's a 90% chance he does have kids.

[Asker]

Does it mean he really likes me? It’s so weird how he talks about how he wants to marry me (i l know it’s very soon to talk about that but were muslims) but at the same time doesn’t want to disclose that information too soon

[meepmeeperton]

Yeah I'd say it means he really likes you and doesn't want anything to get in the way of that.

Either that or he just thinks you're naive and wants to sweet talk you into marrying him as soon as possible so he can have a wife.

[Asker]

He said let’s we both pray today (peay god for guidance) and I’ll tell you tomorrow the answer

[meepmeeperton]

That pretty much gives you your answer right there... he has kids so prepare yourself for if you'd actually be okay with that or not.

[Asker]

Why not jus tell me today lol

[meepmeeperton]

To put it off for as long as possible and give you more time to think it over instead of just cutting it off right away.

[Asker]

Is it normal that guys are super into a girl right of the bat?

[meepmeeperton]

It's pretty normal most guys know right away somehow if she's 'the one' but at the same time some guys that are players will act the same way just to get her to sleep with him. But in your case I'm guessing you won't even think about that until after marriage so I doubt that's all he wants.

Is he older than you? He might also just figure he's not getting any younger and wants to settle down quick.

[Asker]

He’s 32 and I’m turning 30. In our culture there’s pressure to settle down earlt. But I don’t want guy who’s just drsperate to get married

[Skinhead-1979]

No, I don't think you are wrong... I am wondering why he stalls giving you an answer; that feels odd.

[EmmaMary]

It was obviously not his most favourite subject.

[Asker]

Why? Was I in the wrong?

[EmmaMary]

Not in the slightest... You were just making your views and thoughts very clear and wanted answers... He on the other hand deliberately avoided answering.

[Asker]

Based on that I feel like really do have a kid or kids :/

[DrPepper12]

WTF? BYE BYE! He has kids and he's obfuscating it. Fuck off.