Guys, Is this typical male behavior?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend and I have a pretty good relationship, however the other day I noticed a pattern in his behavior at times. Somedays when I've already been gone all day at work and I come home he just sits on the couch, nose deep into a game on his phone, basically kind of ignoring me. I give him space/stay quiet for a good 20 minutes before kindly asking him in a calm voice if everything is ok which is fine, it's in his tone that bothers me when he responds. His tone almost comes off as irritated in the way he said "I'm just playing my game" when usually he is pretty talkative with me. He does have MS and I did notice that he seems to get this way when he isn't feeling good either from his MS or when his allergies are bothering him, so I keep to myself/distance myself entirely, then he starts talking to me again. Why do guys do this instead of just saying through don't feel good etc? It makes me nervous because in past relationships, when I dated a guy that was like this, he turned out to be very narcissistic, etc. Although I can't see my current turning out like this, I do wonder why males seem to reply in such a tone that suggests they are annoyed. It's like you are sick of our very presence, at least that what it seems like when they respond in a tone like that so I just keep my distance/give cold shoulder when he's like that, then the next day he will drive by my work when I'm keeping my distance. It's odd to me, but is this normal?

[Anonymous]

He’s annoyed. Especially if he’s in the middle of something that is import at to him. May not be important to you but maybe it’s to him. Men just get irritated w women at times too. I find myself like that. Especially when it’s non stop talking or bothering me. Like coming home from work, it’s hot, just want to shower, get out of my uniform. When I’m done showering I don’t like when girls come to me trying to hug me, trying to touch me, needing attention. It’s hot. I’m it saying I’m an asshole, like I yell at her or something but those are the times I feel annoyed. Trying to get comfortable, beat down from work.

[Asker]

I understand that, but I worked away all day for 12 hours, I stayed quiet when I got home. Didn't say a wore for a solid 20 minutes. I'm the one that pays the bills, he stays at home all day, helps where he can. He can't work due to his MS and yes i welcomed him into my house, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with him acting like this... like how could you possibly be that annoyed with me when I've already been gone all day? But he only seems to get this way when he isn't feeling the greatest, otherwise he is a good guy.

[Opinion Owner]

So maybe it’s the MS. This is a discussion that you two should have. More than likely he’s going to get annoyed w it. I don’t want to say this is an excuse cause it shouldn’t be but maybe he’s just mad w how his life is as far as his MS. Dreams that he had, things he wanted to do. Who knows.

[Asker]

That is very true and I did take that into consideration which is why I decided to stay quiet/distance myself. I am not a clingy person at all, I am just very in tune with people's behavior and notice anything that is out of the ordinary. It's human nature that we all have bad days and sometimes take it out on others when we don't mean to and yes, MS can be a factor into things for sure, which is why I decided to be quiet.

[Opinion Owner]

But is this how you want to spend the rest of your life w him?

[Asker]

I'm willing to learn and accept it because he is pretty calm/chill 98% of the time. Besides we live in a world where it's pretty hard to trust anyone these days. Him and I go years back to when we were kids (he gave me a diamond bracelet when we were 11), hung out in teen years but went separate ways then met up again a year ago. I wasn't around during the time he first got diagnosed with MS. I am quite certain deep in my heart that he really is a good guy. He has stayed pretty much to imself most of his life. He has only had 1 girlfriend which only lasted a month. Him and I have been together/living together for almost 6 months now and this is the "worst" so really it isn't that bad. My ex would come home drunk, get violent, argue with me and punch holes in wall or throe things and he is not violent person at all, I just wanted to know of this was how males are sometimes that's all lol. So what if he has an irritated tone at times, I'm sure I'm a lot to handle at times lol. I appreciate thr feedback.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re welcome. I wish you the best w this.

[Asker]

Yea I'm really starting to question my decision because now he went out with a friend but didn't tell me, he hasn't been close to me in bed. I didn't do anything wrong, but go figure... it seems like every person is all nice and sweet in the beginning then their true colors start to come out and they turn into a jerk making me look like a fool again. Why do guys do this? His actions are kinda shady in my opinion

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. I’m sorry so what shopped? Because I thought things were ok. You said you were fine w it now you’re saying something different. He just went out w someone this evening?

[Asker]

Which is fine but he never told me he was going out. He could have just said he was going out. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in a relationship? Or am I wrong? This is now the second time I told him don't care what he does, just would appreciate the heads up but am I in the wrong?

[Opinion Owner]

No there’s nothing wrong w that. I completely understand you. Something happened to him you wouldn’t know what to tell his family or authorities where he went or who he’s a. So yes I would say you should always let someone know where you’re going in case you don’t make it to your destination or you don’t return when you say you’ll be back. I’m sorry he treats you this way. I could understand how he feels to a point. Like I said he probably unhappy w his life. Men are right to be providers. So because he can’t work he probably feels less of a man. Than he has to rely on you, so e may feel emasculated. But at the same time doesn’t give him a right to treat you this way. Ever considered finding someone else who treats you better?

[Asker]

I have, but him and I both have such a lack of relationship experience and my experiences were mostly negative so I have trust issues, don't think I'm capable of finding anyone "better" with how much cheating, etc that goes on and he is 100% loyal and honest which is really hard to find these days. It's like he said "I'm not like cat or dog, not going to run away anywhere"

[Opinion Owner]

Well I’m sorry you’ve had past relationships like that. I think a lot of women and me men go through relationship issues. I feel bad for you cause it’s like you’re stuck there. That there could be someone better for you. Have you ever been married? Kids?

[Asker]

Was engaged once, have a teenage boy and tee gets girl but they don't live with me. I rent my own house, pay my own bills, etc. He is helping me fix my car, he tidied thr house, takes care of the lawn, etc for me. I'm his 2nd girlfriend in like 10 years, I'm the first serious relationship he's had. We both don't want kids, etc. He is kind, gentle, calm and I don't connect with people very easily

[Opinion Owner]

So what are your real thoughts? Feeling a slut this relationship? Feeling neglected? Lacking something?

[Asker]

He really is a good guy. He kisses me good night every night a day not just a simple little peck, like full out fench like 3 or 4 times in a row. When we first met he was so nervous and shy that I had to make the first move. He really is an honest, down to earth, kind loyal guy. He's usually pretty good about telling me stuff so he my have forgotten or something. I know who he all hangs around with because he usually tells me where he was/what he did when he comes home so maybe I'm the one with the problem.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok so it sounds like everything is great. You just made it sound like you were unhappy sometimes. Maybe I read it wrong.

[Asker]

It's not that I'm not happy, I just get worried and take it as him not wanting to be with me, but I'm also an overthinker because if he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be here at all. He comes home every night and it's not like he goes out all the time. I'm just an over-worrier I guess, I just think it's common courtesy in a relationship to at least say where you are. Not different than if I go somewhere when I'm done work to which he understands and when I explain this to him he doesn't get mad/defensive like others in the past and he tries to correct it so that also means a lot to me. I really appreciate you taking to listen snd give feel back

[Opinion Owner]

No I completely understand how you feel about knowing where he’s at. I would like the same in a relationship so I know where to look first if something happens. I’m not sure if he understands that part. Maybe he feels as though you’re treating him like a little kid. You could also tell him too there might be a store on the way home that I’d like something from so if I knew I could ask you to get it for me. But I think that one little thing is not worth destroying what seems like a good relationship to me.

[Asker]

That is very true and I agree.

[Opinion Owner]

Well I wish you the best. Glad we could talk.

[LiamJHayden]

It can be typical in some circumstances. If I am playing a timed chess game and I get interrupted I might lose a game I would otherwise win and lose rating points. And in his case MS can be really, really bad, as you know. In calmer moments, maybe bring it up to get an idea if it is that he doesn't want to lose all the work he's put in one the game to that point or the MS or a combination.

[sawno]

Guys are pretty direct communicators most of the time. He's probably genuinely just invested in the game.

[Asker]

Which is totally fine but what is with the irritated tone when he said it? It's like he was annoyed I asked even though I wasn't rude about it or anything lol.

[sawno]

Maybe trying to focus on the game, you can ask him and he will probably answer honestly.

[Asker]

Or I could just keep quiet because in the past when I did the guy would just get more upset with me. I just hope this one doesn't turn out to be like the others. I've had it happen all too many times where I ask a question in a nice simple tone and then they get defensive/upset and I don't want to experience that ever again

[sawno]

You two need to have a conversation about it. Because your past is now interfering with the relationship and the best way forward is to have a talk about why he responds the way he does and what he needs from you in that moment / what you need from him in that moment and afterwards.

It might be as simple as "Yeah sorry I don't like being interrupted when I am focussed on the game / I didn't intend to come across that way I was just focussed" followed up with you saying you need him afterwards and spend some quality time and him commiting to it.

Something that makes the dynamic work for both of you, and something that helps both of you understand what the other person needs. Because if you assume its like the past you may screw things up in ways that you don't want to do, if you treat it something new that needs some mutual understanding then you can both guide it in the right direction.

Now once you have that mutual understanding and he's very off with that approach and it doesn't get better its time to reconsider the relationship and consider if its like the past. But you want to remove the possibility of it not being that first with that talk.

[thearchjoker]

Men hare being disturbed when their focusing and/or are trying to relax. This is very common behavior and nothing unique.

[thearchjoker]

*hate being disturbed

[sirderpsalot123]

Sounds like he was just trying to focus on his game.

[sirderpsalot123]

You said you have a good relationship and he's usually talkative/spends time with you. Just let him game in peace

[Asker]

Which is no problem, it was his tone that kinda bothered me. I was already gone all day at work (I work 12 hour shifts) so when I get home I'm used to him talking to me, etc but when he suddenly turns his tone to a rude way and ignores me it males me feel like he doesn't want me around, but I noticed he gets like this when he isn't feeling very good, but still the snippy tone was unnecessary but I just stayed quiet and to myself because in the past when I voiced my feelings it resulted in the other person getting upset and would turn into an argument and i don't want that. I've already been through too much in previous relationship. He did change his tune and started talking to me again.

[sirderpsalot123]

He probably didn't mean it to sound rude. You've never been been inturroted when you're fully concentrating on something?

You can try talking to him about it, but it does seem like you're making a big deal out of nothing. He isn't the last guy who treated you badly.

[sirderpsalot123]

interrupted

[Asker]

Yea I know, but it doesn't feel very nice to come home after a 12 hour shift feeling like I'm "interrupting" when he has the house to himself all day due to that he doesn't work because of a disability, which is no excuse to act like that. I just hope I'm not putting myself in a position where I'm being taken advantage of yet again. He can't work due to his MS do he gets disability and helps when and where he can, but that's no reason to be like to me when I'm the one paying the bills. Just because I welcomed him into my house, doesn't mean I welcome rude behavior. I'm the type of person that will let things slide a few times but if it keeps happening I will politely, calmly bring it up and if he gets defensive or upset then maybe I am better off alone. I have lived too many years being treated like this. It really is minor unless it keeps happening. Mayne I am wrong though

[sirderpsalot123]

But again, you said this isn't an every day thing. You said he's usually talkative so I'm assuming he enjoys spending time with you. I'm just saying nobody is perfect 100% of the time and the constant comparing him to your previous partners isn't fair.

[Asker]

That is true, fair point. I am not a clingy person and maybe he was just having a bad day, I know MS can sometimes affect mood.

[Anonymous]

Why do pets jump on the furniture? Because you allow them to. You allow them to do it once they'll think they can keep doing it. People are no different. We teach people how to treat us.