What does it mean if someone breaks up with you and promptly gets on dating apps?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. Sunday at 9pm, he broke up with me, saying that he's struggling with trauma and other things and just wants to be alone while he deals with it.
Within 12 hours he got a tinder account (we were sharing an email and I hadn't taken myself off yet, so I saw the sign up email). I just saw his Instagram account where he posted a pic of his Snapchat saying, "if you want to chill and talk, hit me up."
He's been acting rude when I come over to get my stuff, but he also keeps hugging me and giving me kisses on the head. I know it's stupid to be friends with your ex, but it's still so fresh and I still have things to get, so I'm still just confused.
I'm a wreck. I'm having heart palpations and can't sleep. Meanwhile, he's doing this. I feel like I never mattered to him, like i wasn't good enough and like he just left me so he could hook up with people. I don't know what to think, I just know I'm in a lot of pain and really confused.

[SueShe]

You have the feeling that he never really cared for you and your feeling is not betraying you.

He used this cheap and cowardly excuse that he is struggling with trauma and other things, which is nothing else than to state that he is fed up of you and needs someone new.

A normal and decent person that is actually suffering from trauma would never go to a dating site, which we all know are nothing else but a hook up place where (mostly) men go in order to find someone to fornicate and not to be in a long term relationship.

Actually, you should feel relieved that you got rid of this toxic person that revealed his true personality. You were never intended to be someone for life but only useful as long as you were a novelty. You lost it and that is the best that could have happened to you with that guy.

I am sorry for you but look ahead and not back.

[Asker]

Any advice for how to deal with the panic and pain I'm feeling? We were friends for 8 years prior and then 5 years of being together. Even telling myself that he was toxic and I'm lucky won't eradicate that history and I'm terrified of what I'm feeling.
If you don't have advice, that's fine. I should probably post a separate question for that.
I'm sorry

[SueShe]

Your best option is to get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Put those trinkets, photos, objects and other things that you shared when you were together away or dispose of them.

I don't know if you lived together and if yes, was it in your place? If yes, get a change of decoration, place your furniture in a different position, take the pictures down and replace them with new ones, as if you moved into a new place.

Change the habits you had in the past 5 years, take up a hobby or join a club where you can meet people that share the same interests as you, go hiking, biking and jogging and do activities that make your mind busy so that you don't think constantly of him. Do some yoga to get to that inner peace you need and if you can, change your clothing style and wardrobe, as if you are a totally new person.

Good luck to you!

[Asker]

We lived together, but agreed he should take the place since I can't afford it alone and I have family to stay with (he doesn't) I'm currently in the process of getting all of my belongings out, but it's going to be a bit before I can get everything.
I'll work on becoming a new version of myself. Thank you!

[SueShe]

You can do it, just believe in yourself.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[_Maya_]

To me that is a sign of a couple things. One it is someone who can't be alone and was trying to fill a void immediately. The other thing was to make you mad. It worked because here you are posting about it online. I am not saying you are wrong at all for being upset. You should be because of how he acts. I am just saying that is his intention to agitate and instigate. He wants you to believe that he doesn't care and it is no big deal that he can move on. Again it is working because you have yourself all worked up over it. I don't blame you one bit but you are playing into his hand. This is what he wants to see happen. While he may be playing it cool like this is no big deal to lose you I bet that isn't really the case. It is easy to post things online and act one way when you feel completely different irl.

[OlderAndWiser]

He broke up with you so that he could pursue other women. It doesn't mean that he was cheating on you and, apparently, he did the right thing and broke up with you before he started looking elsewhere.

Some guys get over a break up by jumping right back into the dating scene. That is probably what he is doing. But it is obvious he tried dating you and ultimately did not enjoy that enough to continue it. No, you should not try to be his friend now; that will only delay the inevitable. If you do try to be his friend, do you REALLY want to hear about the new girl he is dating? Probably not.

[boggboss]

Sounds like the relationship either eneded on his end or he was preparing for it before he told u so whilst u are now moving on he already did

[236color]

Okay, first, this was not about trauma. Either he just got tired of monogamy or he felt sexually starved in your relationship. Kinda sounds like he's looking for casual hook ups, meaning more likely it was lack of variety rather than frequency. Give him the little credit that he broke up with you instead of cheating on you.

[Nirmroth]

Just something to escape to and trying to get the attention he's used to but missing now from somewhere else.

One of my first acts after my breakup was getting on the apps aswell but didn't stay long it was kinda just to boost self confidence until you learn that it reminds you more of whats lost than helping you heal. And even the one dumping need to heal.

[Asker]

Within 12 hours? I understand 1 or 2 days but 12 hours? What Especially when he told me he needed to be alone and not be with other people and that's why he's ending it?
I'm not upset with your response, I'm just really lost and it's hurting me a lot.

[Nirmroth]

He probably detached himself way sooner than you think. The breakup that comes of as bit of surprise for you is something he worked and thought about probably weeks or months ago. He is much more ahead on the healing path than you.

When my ex broke up wirh me she told me she was thinking about breaking up since about a year already. She had already a guy in her pipeline she was texting with and didn't had to deal with the fact of feeling rejected either as she was the one who rejected. Thats a different lvl of power if you get what I mean. We have to work with the sudden reality of breakup and the hit to our confidence we gotta work trough

[Asker]

That makes sense. Thank you for answering and replying. I'm sorry for your breakup, but i hope you're healing.

[Nirmroth]

Oh I am already past it after 2 years but it took me a long time ngl. I dont envy you of what lies ahead of you. Thanks for your wishes, wish you the same :)

[LiamJHayden]

He planned it out, wanted out, and did not have the courage to say that it wasn not working for him.

[Alex-Snow]

Sounds like he was ready to move on. How was ur sex life with him? Maybe he wants a bit more.. thus getting on Tinder right away?

[Asker]

We hit a rough spot for a while, but we were picking it back up, so I guess you could say it was meh. I'm sure he wanted something more, but
He kept saying that it had nothing to do with me. He just kept saying it was about him and that he just wanted to be alone to deal with his issues.