We've been friends for two years and he never mentioned he had a girlfriend. Should I still be friends with him?

[Anonymous]

I met this guy through a mutual friend in our industry roughly two years ago. Our friendship grew and he turned into one of my best friends. I just recently found out he has a long-term girlfriend (5+ years) through a random conversation with that same mutual friend who didn't know that I didn't know about her.

I'm confused, but mostly hurt by this for being put into a situation I would have liked to have had a say in. I've opened up about my life to him, including my love life, and he never once mentioned he was in a serious relationship. He always answered questions about his weekend plans or other things with "me" or "I" or "my house", etc in a way that suggested he was single and wasn't seeing anyone.

We've talked almost every single day since we met and I wish I had known he had a partner so I wouldn't have opened up so much to someone else's boyfriend. I would never do that to another woman.

WHY would he hide the fact that he's been in a relationship? AND Should I still be friends with him after this? I'm torn, especially since we have a bunch of mutual friends.

It's only been a few days at this point, but he's been liking all of my stuff on social media and poking at me to try to get my attention since we haven't had a conversation since I found out. I haven't told him that's the reason I've stopped responding to him and I don't know what to do.

[SueShe]

You can still be friends with him but take a certain distance. Let him know that fact and let him know that you will not trust a single word he says in the future because you can not longer trust him.

I presume that you had ulterior motives to open up to him and now those motives are shattered. Nobody in his/her right mind would tell such private things to a co-worker if there was not an ulterior motive involved.

I hope you learned your lesson and be more discreet about your life in the future. Obviously, he kept you warm just in case his relationship would fail and that he would have you as a back up.

The thing is to always be on your guard and never disclose more that needs to be disclosed even to a "friend" you know for more than 10 years. People are seldom honest when they have something up their sleeves.

[Nikki1989]

Well, if you value honesty and trust in your friendships, this might be a significant breach.

[MisterWack]

You are entitled to your feelings, yeah not knowing something & only finding out now hurts especially with a best friend who you would drop everything to, even sensitive stuff that you wouldn’t say to a taken woman’s special man…

I believe you should either take a break from the friendship until you’ve sorted out your feelings on your own or tell him openly in person how him not telling you about his girlfriend really hurt since you are his best friend & would tell him everything while he kept this intimate part hidden from you (for closure).

I don’t know why he kept it from you though what I do know is it hurt you.

[MisterWack]

Thank you for MHO, Love to help!

[RingOfFire]

My first reaction was why would you care if you're only friends and not in a romantic relationship with him.

But I get your point. If you're such good friends why would he never tell you about something so important. I get it. It's a fair question. I think you rightfully question the friendship since finding out about that.

My question is have you talked about it with him and what does he say about it. If not I would suggest that you do that to hear what he has to say before you make any decision.

[Asker]

I haven't talked to him about it yet. I'm trying to figure out how to broach the subject with him.

My childhood best friend (8th grade onward) passed away about a year before we met. When he started dating and getting serious with a woman, and the then eventually marrying her, our friendship adapted with the changes. I learned to hold back when I needed to, out of respect for their relationship, and we managed to still maintain a good friendship for well over 20 years.

I didn't get that opportunity here to determine how much of my life I would disclose that would be appropriate for a friendship with a man already in a relationship. We had a similar childhood, we're alike in the ways that make for a solid friendship (and are strongly opinionated in the areas we differ), and our birthdays are even two days apart. I know he stands up for me in rooms I'm not in because I've had multiple people tell me he's always praising my work and me as a person. Basically, everything I'd want from a close friendship. But this just doesn't sit right with me after all that and now I'm questioning everything he's ever said to me and it sucks.

[RingOfFire]

I would reserve going too far with your feelings until you find out what he has to say about it.

If it were me I would just say that I was disappointed that he didn't tell me about that relationship because I thought we were good friends and of course I would want to know about that.

[Asker]

That's fair. I think if I had confronted him about it right when I found out, it probably wouldn't have gone well. I need to be receptive to what he has to say.

Thank you. I appreciate the feedback.

[RingOfFire]

My pleasure, I wish you the best with it. Feel free to PM me if there's anything I can do to help.

[XXTruthfulOgrexx]

your a friend, not his family. He doesn't want to share that part of his life and that is his choice.

My question to you is, why as friends, does it matter how much you decided to share with him? Just because he has a girlfriend unless you were hoping to date him yourself? and if not then why treat him like your personal counselor instead of just a friend?

You need to do some self reflection as to why this bothers you so much.

[Asker]

I became comfortable enough with him to share parts of my life that I don't normally share with other people. He asks me about details of my life and I share them with him. We also share in each other's good and bad moments.

Everyone in our friend group knows he has a girlfriend and they all assumed I knew too. Had he said he's in a relationship but wants to keep it private, I wouldn't have pushed it. That would have allowed me to determine how much of my life I was ok sharing with a man already in a relationship. That option wasn't presented to me.

[zagor]

He's a guy, and often guys don't open up about that stuff - maybe he assume you aren't interested in that part of his life. I've hung out with friends for years without knowing their relationship status.

[thatgirl2000]

that is strange. was he with her the entire time?

[Anonymous]

He's either paranoid and never trusted you for some reason (I don't tell strangers a damn thing about having a wife or kids) or he was trying to smash. Or a combination of both, I guess.

[Idkulol]

Let him know that you are aware he has a girlfriend. I went through a similar situation and his girlfriend hated me and accused me of ruining their relationship when I didn't know he had a girlfriend.

[Oldschool1981]

LOL. My wife has been seeing a guy for eight months and he still has no idea she's married

[Crazzyyworld]

There are..

[Anonymous]

It’s because that person is lying. Always trust first hand info

[WhitneySnow]

He clearly likes you

[Anonymous]

that’s a big problem talk it out

[Vegasrunner]

Stop it

[In_Trance]

what's the point?