Is it feelings or leading on?

[Anonymous]

What do i do, I can do casual relationships but I'm starting to really like this guy and the guy knows this. He said if it hurts me to much we don't have to do anything psychical but I want to, I just get into my head at times and compare myself. He also said at this point it is leading me on because he wants casual and I'm getting attached. He doesn't want to hurt me because he cares, then in like 3 different contexts he said I was his friend and that he doesn't like the guys I tell him about that message me and what not.

But in person he is such a caring and affectionate guy and it is throwing me off because his messages are kind of cut throat and dry but in person it is so much easier to talk. We hug and what not and it's just completely comfortable air between us and he's gentle with his actions and we can talk for hours. But just texting is what's making me overthink it all, which is causing me to seemingly screw up what we have I guess.

plus I'm a little confused because he said he liked me back but he just didn't want a relationship, which I get, but despite him and I as far as I know being pretty exclusive he just like drifted away but again in person, its so nice and he acts the same as he always has.

So my question is why the odd behavior and am I just way overthinking it?

[Rab1901]

He doesn't have feelings nor is he leading you on. He has been straightforward saying that he wants casual. He is probably not a completely shit person so he is being honest with you. Don't make him seem worse by saying he is leading you on. If a guy is truly catching feelings and he knows that you have feelings, he literally has no reason to be beating around the bush unless he is an absolute moron and in that case you better run.

All that being said, if you're catching feelings and he doesn't like you in the same way, you can't sex your way into his heart. You'd have a better chance by withholding sex but no stupid jealousy tactics. Guys of any value will smell your desperation. Your best bet is probably to be with someone who likes you for you. There are probably plenty of guys out there who you aren't giving a chance. This is a big problem that I see many young people making: overlooking people who are actually interested and going for those they can't have. There is immense value in someone who actually likes you but young people especially love a challenge that's not worth it. I'm not saying to go for anyone that likes you but I'm sure that there is someone that will like you who has a great personality as well unless you have an absolute trash personality in which case you have to work on yourself before anything.

by the way I have 3 younger sisters who I love, and I am giving you the same advice I would give them, and I genuinely do hope this helps.

[Asker]

I didn't think I was making him sound like a shitty person, I adore the guy so that was not the intention I meant to give! But it just was a sudden change after we had sex because we used to talk so much throughout the day now it's been pretty inconsistent and I don't know it just hurts me I guess. Because at the start he was saying a relationship wasn't completely out of the picture and he like me the same as I liked him, but we agreed on casual and now I'm here as you know with my post. He just brought up the fact now it would be leading me on so I guess I just wasn't sure what the actual meaning meant, my apologies. As for relationships, how this is panning out I truly want to just stay by myself for awhile and really just focus on my schooling and work and what not. I'm sorry for the little rant, I really am just trying to get as much insight and what not and this was very helpful, thank you!

[talentedclock]

Nobody can do casual sex no problem - at least not at first.

When I was younger, I tried casual sex and it immediately led to me getting feelings. When I brought up what happened to other guys to get advice, they told me that's common and that the solution is to keep having sex until those feelings go away.

So unless you're willing to mind fuck your sense of empathy and emotional intimacy away by having loads of casual sex, you are going to catch feelings from having sex with someone, that's the nature of it.

But hey, totally worth it to get your pussy wet, amiright? What's a lifetime worth of a caring relationship with someone you love and trust when you can have lots of meaningless casual sex instead?

[Asker]

Yeah I need to rephrase what I said, i did not proof read, this is my first "casual relationship" and so at first I was fine and dandy then well you know the story. I'm personally kind of done with relationships right now which is why I thought I could handle casual because I would only invest it into one person whom I've known but I'm seemingly proving myself wrong. Gotta love human nature to say the least

[talentedclock]

No worries, my overall point is to stop while you're ahead. When I got that (terrible) advice from other guys I realized that mind fucking myself like that would lead to nowhere good and that the best part of sex is the emotional intimacy that comes with it, not just getting my dick wet. So I've decided to wait to have sex for marriage since then. It wouldn't be my first time with my future wife, but I feel like I still managed to avoid destroying my ability to pair bond at least.
I think you're making the right decision to avoid relationships for a while until you can feel a little more centered and have a better head for things.

[Asker]

The emotional intimacy is really something and I think right now too for me is when we are just hanging out you know, any hug or kiss makes you vulnerable and having sex, I mean you truly open up to that person, as you know. I'm really appreciative of your advice, and it'll be a memorable moment when that does happen with you and your future wife. Thank you!

[bobalife]

None. It’s time to move on because you both aren’t on the same page & you’ll only get hurt.

[WhitneySnow]

Have a long serious talk with him in person

[Asker]

I definitely will have too

[Finchie40]

It sounds like it’s a little bit of both , casual relationships only work if you both are on the same exact page as things , but if not? It’s not going to work and it will probably end in disaster , so it sounds like you really like this guy but unfortunately he doesn’t feel the same for you , he doesn’t hate you but he doesn’t want what you want , he just likes you as a friend with benefits and nothing more , he os either keeping his options open or he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship period , so you are best to not invest way to much of your time into him because you will end up hurt by thinking you can actually change his mind about things

[Asker]

I appreciate this! but yes he isn't wanting any relationships right now period for reasons not my place to say but he even told me he would understand if I hated him by the time this ends. It's just crazy that before we ever had sex and just stuck to kissing or a hug and what not he was kind of different, it's only subtle changes though and it could just be me. But man the idea of a relationship wasn't apposed, now of course I think it is :/ Thank you for the insight!

[Finchie40]

Yea don’t fall for this shit with him , whether he is lying or telling you the truth he is clearly weighing his options , When a guy really likes a girl he wants her by his side as much as possible and will give to her the same thing she is giving to him. Not the other way around , Me personally prefers FWB’s with some strings attached with girls’ these days , mainly because I had my heart shit on to many times to the point I am in no rush to jump into a relationship, Until I meet an amazing girl that clearly chooses me the same way I choose her and her and I get through the infatuation period together before making any decisions on being official. Sadly rushing into relationships with someone these days is stupid to do , because most people do not look at the big picture before committing to someone. And then they eventually change their minds and break someone’s heart , So FWB’s with some strings attached kind of eliminates that from happening to the both of us. We are both open to date other people but we promise not to sleep with anyone else , but if we do? We end the benefits part between us and remain friends. I am not the type of guy that runs around having sex with multiple girls’ and I only date girls’ that do the same. So your FWB’s clearly doesn’t know what he wants , he just likes the convenience of you and whoever else he is talking to or messing with , so be careful with that shit before you end up with some sort of STD ‘s

[Asker]

Man how you explained friends with benefits with some strings attached is what I'd be looking for. I think it's more comforting then my situation or anyone in the same boat 😅
It is tough times for any relationship and I'm just gonna try and stick to myself for awhile, especially if I can't get this guy situation figured out. I really appreciate the honesty and insightfulness!

[Finchie40]

Yea someone that doesn’t care about you or themselves going out screwing other people is not relationship material period. They are selfish people that only want what’s best for themselves that have no dignity or respect for anyone but themselves , I will not commit to a girl if she is out screwing other men period , she is automatically a dirty skank to me if that is the case , And I would be a dirty skank as well if I was doing that to her. I only will do FWB’s with some strings attached with a girl that I am interested in and enjoy spending time with as friends that is on the same page as me , Respect and honesty goes a long way. My intentions is for her and I to be together officially without rushing things , giving us both a little breathing room to really decide if we both really want to be with each other for the long haul , if not , oh well at least we tried and we still can be friends’ without hurting each other. And we also agree if one of us catches deeper feelings , then it’s her or my job to open up and say what we need to say. Instead of just assuming things. Unfortunately my last FWB’s with some strings attached got away because she didn’t open her mouth to me and assumed I was falling for someone else , which I wasn’t , but she assumed and chose another guy instead. Practically blaming me for her decision. so my advice don’t assume shit and speak up lol

[Asker]

I will defitnely take that advice and speak up, my guy and I have been talking about it so that is nice but it's all so in the air on what he is doing

[Asker]

But also man it is hard just waiting for a reply or anything and it's especially hard asking if he would truly want that or just soley friends with benefits no strings attached. But man we used to talk all the time and it just eats at my brain and it seriously stinks, either way i'm thinking it's going to be disastrous :(

[Finchie40]

Sadly you are in a tough situation because you both didn’t really set boundaries with each other before agreeing to this FWB’s thing you both jumped onto. So your situation is a lot harder. When you agree to a FWB’s with no strings attached you are just letting the other person know that it’s ok for the both of you to go screw other people whether you are or not , they are assuming it’s ok for them to do , so he is more than likely screwing other girls’ because he assumes you are doing the same. So be careful with that shit because you are putting yourself at risk of catching STD’s STD’s are no joke and why people don’t really care about STD’s is beyond me. I have friends’ that got them and now they are fucked for life because of their stupid decisions of just having sex with random people left and right , Now no one wants to touch them because they are infected. Having sex with one person is a hell of a lot safer than multiple partners’

[Asker]

That is very true, as of right now I don't think he is sleeping with other gals but doesn't mean he's not talking to them :/ which sucks to say the least because I feel I'm getting jealous over nothing. STD's are not a joke though and I have an ex who I constantly kept getting these health issues with, I checked, everything was negative thankfully but I asked him just in case he should get checked, he said why do I have to, and loved the guy but he wasn't the greatest hygienically.

[MicahRaine]

in my opinion he's being pretty straightforward. He's communicating that he cares about you and values you as a person, but this is still a strictly casual relationship for him (which could be due to finances, lifestyle goals, or personal issues).

Don't do it though. When a partner leaves you and you have that background of sex with them, it hurts more than anything in this world, and I say that having been through more physical and emotional pain than 99% of people on this forum.

[Asker]

Unfortunately it might just be only that it seems, I know i can't change his mind or anything but he has told me why he doesn't or won't do a relationships, and that's with anybody but man it eats me alive waiting for a reply because we used to message constantly, then we have sex and he's backed off but still wanting to hang out, it doesn't make sense. I think the hardest thing knowing though was a relationship wasn't completely off the time, of course with time so I let my guard down and now here I am 😖
It defiently does suck and I appreciate your answer, and I'm sorry you've had to go through that before.

[MicahRaine]

Yeah. . . sorry. That situation just isn't great. Hopefully it goes well

[Asker]

Thank you, I seriously appreciate it! Hope all goes well for you!

[MicahRaine]

Of course, and likewise :)

[spartan55]

The only one being odd is you. Girls claim they can do casual no problem, then usually can't handle it. He hasn't been dishonest or led you on at all. It's up to you if you are on board or not.

[Asker]

I should rephrase it, I could do it fine at the start until I started catching feelings, this is my first "casual relationship" so yes I know I'm the odd one out here, but very true regardless

[spartan55]

Free advice: don't ever do a situationship, friends with benefits, casual or any of that. It NEVER WORKS.

[Asker]

Defiently noted!