How to get over an infatuation with a guy when both of you are already married?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been married for 5 years, but have recently become infatuated with a guy at work.

I wasn’t looking for it, but I guess he started to show me attention, is attentive, chemistry and maybe that is somewhat lacking in my marriage. It’s like we just clicked. We haven’t done anything by the way.

The feelings are mutual though, but I’ve also found out through social media he’s married, Why would he not mention this to me?

We’ve had a number of conversations about family etc, but he’s never said anything about ir, but he knows I am married.

I can understand this isn’t going to lead to a good place, so how can I get over this guy?

We have to work together, so it’s not easy.

[270lt4]

As a guy, I've been there. There was a woman I knew at work that I was getting too friendly with, and I had to stop it. I ultimately managed to end it, did not physically cheat on my wife, and we're still married. Our marriage is stronger now than it was then, and I no longer dream of the other woman. I have sometimes seen that other woman around but I made a choice not to engage in conversations with her, other than nod and say hi if I run into her and be civil in a professional but distant way but that's it. She wasn't happy about that at all, but ultimately responded correctly to it. I have kept it cool though, because I know deep down that this woman would re-engage things if she got the chance.

What you need to do is recognize that there's something missing from your own marriage that got you looking for it (and you found it). You can't deny or suppress your own needs, so what you need to do is be honest to yourself about what you need, and communicate that need with your husband. Figure out what you can do together that will satisfy that. For example, let's say married life has gotten too routine or whatever, and what you need is "go out on dates." If that's it, then find times (once every week or every other week, or whatever) and get a little more dressed up and dolled up than normal, get your husband to put on a nice dress shirt, slacks and shoes and go do something fun and playful together. If you need conversations and talking about your feelings about yourself and things, then figure out a good way to do that. Maybe you can agree to meet your husband for coffee at a cafe every Saturday, or you take longer drives (like going to a Costco or supermarket that is an hour further drive than the one that you're used to) and talk then. Actually, talking while driving has been proven to be quite tharapeutic because you can pause when you need more naturally and it eases the pressure for prolonged eye contact. People can actually be more honest with each other and speak about uncomfortable things when they're driving somewhere, as opposed to sitting face to face.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're obviously a good woman with integrity that you recognize that something is starting to go wrong, and you don't want it to get worse, you want to fix it. Nobody is perfect. But you're doing the right thing in being honest about it. Ultimately, though, I do think you probably need to do what I did and stop being friends with this other guy. That doesn't mean completely avoiding him and making things weirder than they need to be, but generally there needs to be distance made and kept. If he doesn't catch the hint, then explain that you're married and want to focus exclusively on your marriage, and the only way to do that is put up some boundaries.

Good luck.

[Mrtcn01]

you dont have to get over.. you have to admit first.. than you have to admit what is important for you.. you have to explain yourself why this kind of relationship is not ethical.. not by saying you are married or he is married.. you have to explain to yourself step by stepp.. what kind of emotion to click both you.. desires or lack of love care etc..

[DishLady]

1. If you're thinking of cheating... don't. I don't see why you're willing to wreak a marriage -- sorry, TWO marriages -- because you're feeling a touch of chemistry. Get over it.

2. "Feelings are mutual"? So you're BOTH willing to ruin lives over some prickly feelings downstairs? My goodness.

3. Why wouldn't he mention he's married? Why should that make ANY difference at all when YOU are married, hmmm?

4. He knows you're married and yet these shenanigans are going on? So you're both set on self-destruct mode.

I work with guys ALL the time and the entire time I was married this never happened. Guys would approach, there may have been an exchange or two, but once I figured out the guy wanted more than just a functional work relationship I was *a grownup* and shut it down for the sake of my marriage and my family. It's called a moral compass. Go look at yours... You must have an inkling of the fact that this is wrong because you've written out your question... Now do the right thing and set the pretty pretty married guy back on the shelf where he belongs.

[_Maya_]

I think you have a lot bigger problems than why he didn't tell you that he is married. You are infatuated with not only a married man and acting on it to a degree but also a coworker. I cannot count the number of times I have warned people on here not to get involved with coworkers. It is the worst idea possible because when things to south then you end up miserable at work having to face that person every day. So that should be reason enough. Then on top of that you are both married. Are those two HUGE reasons not enough for you to just forget about this guy? I mean what else do you really need as a reason?

[Anonymous]

Get a hotel room and fuck with wild abandon for a day or so. Get it out of your systems.

[In_Trance]

For starters get a different job

[jahaims]

Go to therapy