How do I (F24) ask my friends with benefits (M32) to stop being too affectionate without possibly ending the arrangement?

[Anonymous]

I was dating this guy back in the summer when I was in my gap year and he broke things off because he wanted someone who would not move and asked if I would be fine changing my career plans to stay near him etc. However, I didn't know him enough to say yes to that so we broke up. Other than this, we had really aligned values and were compatible.

Since 3 months ago, we have been meeting sporadically only for sex. I have applied to grad school and wanted something casual so this worked perfect for me. However, recently he's been a bit too lovey dovey which is not sitting right with me, and he's been more affectionate since I recently interviewed at my top grad school choice which is in our city.

Examples: he asked me to spend NYE with him and stay the night which he didn't use to do when we were dating, he asks me to be sweet and vulnerable with him, kisses my hands, shows me photos of his ideal future home, makes comments like "I know you'd be a loyal wife, I'd always protect you", asks when I hear back from grad schools in our city (which actually comes out this week!!), orders dinner for us which he never did before and makes jokes like "I can't take you out like this if you use a spoon to eat rice". Last time we met he asked if i'd like to watch a show and cuddled me, played with my hair and jokingly asked me to cook for him. The same day, after sex we were cuddling and he asked if I have been going on a lot of dates recently/kissed a lot of guys. I have gone on a few first dates so I just said not really and he said "sure sure."

Now, I have no problem being vulnerable with someone but once I get into grad school, I want to date men seriously and hopefully settle down but am not sure if things would work with him specifically, and I don't want to get attached to him because if he keeps acting like this I will start overthinking (like now) and fall for him.

So, I don't know how to keep him around for a few more months without letting his lovey dovey- affect me

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, that's a tricky situation you've got going on with this friends with benefits guy. It sounds like he's starting to catch serious feelings, which can definitely complicate things when you're just looking for something casual.

I get that you don't want to end the arrangement, but his increased affection and talk of the future is starting to cross the line a bit. You gotta set some clear boundaries before you end up more attached than you want to be.

The best approach is to be direct, but also kind. Maybe next time you two meet up, pull him aside and say something like "Hey, I've noticed you've been a lot more affectionate with me lately, and I want to make sure we're on the same page. I really enjoy our arrangement, but I'm not looking to get serious right now. Can we keep things more casual and physical between us?"

Make it clear that the cuddling, hand-holding, and future talk isn't something you're comfortable with. Reassure him that you still want to keep seeing each other, but he needs to dial back the romantic gestures.

If he pushes back or tries to argue, stand your ground. This is your boundary and he needs to respect it. Maybe even suggest taking a break for a bit if he can't respect the kind of relationship you want.

The key is being upfront but also staying compassionate. Let him know you value him, but the emotional intimacy just isn't what you're looking for right now. Hopefully he'll understand and you two can find a way to keep things purely physical.

Just don't let him guilt you or manipulate you into something you don't want. Stay strong, girl. Your needs and comfort level come first here. Hopefully he'll be cool with keeping it casual - if not, then it might be time to cut ties.

Let me know if you need any other advice on navigating this tricky situation! I'm here for you.

[In_Trance]

Say it just like that