Sister zoned… I get it…?

[Anonymous]

Why does this one particular guy keeping telling me, “I think of you like my quasi sister?” I got it the first time and the second and the third. He does flirt with me, but nothing more. But then says that. Today I slipped up and texted him something that was supposed to go to my mom, complete with kissy face. I apologized and said who it was supposed to go to. Then he said how the kissy face threw him off because he thinks of me like a sister. Why does he keep bringing it up? It’s very annoying.

[SteveSmith1985]

He is doing this for one of two reasons.

1. He genuinely does see you as a sister. I doubt this is the case, because he wouldn't keep saying it.

2. He is saying it to convince either you, himself, or both that he doesn't have romantic feelings for you. He could be in denial about it himself. In which case he is repeating this because he wants it to be true.

Or

He knows he likes you, is aware that he flirts with you, and is assuring you that he sees you as a sister... so you don't find his flirting weird... so you'll let him continue flirting with you without getting weird.

If it's because he likes you, he is afraid you don't like him back. That's pretty much the only reason I can think of that a guy would ever say this so much that it could possibly be annoying.

I think he likes you.

[Asker]

I wish there was a way to tell which one of these it was.

[SteveSmith1985]

There is. Do you see him as a brother? Or rather, is it reasonable for him to see you like a sister because of some special dynamic between you two? (you've known him since you were in diapers, etc)

It's probably the second one. The dude likes you. This is just not enough information to say so for sure. Tell me more about you and this guy, how he acts, all those sorta details. I'm usually pretty good at figuring out this exact question for people. I just need detils to have enough context to be confident I'm not accidentally lying to you. I understand that this is legitimately important for the person asking "does he like me"

Oh yea, so you like him romantically right?

[Asker]

I didn’t grow up with him. I’ve known him maybe 5 years now. He’s had some bad relationships, including a divorce.

We talk/text a few times a weeks. Most of the time nonsense stuff. We were really getting close then in August he basically shutdown and we barely communicated for months. I finally asked him what was going on. I think he gave me some bs answer, but things are almost back to how they were before. He’s still seeming to keep his distance a little bit. The last two years he’s been more flirty, but never asking me out or anything. If he feels I’m getting to close (I think), he pulls the sister card. I’ve had other people say they thought we were a thing or that he likes me… including my mom. It’s very confusing to be honest.

Do I like him? Yes. Somedays I wish I didn’t, because he’s just ugh.

He’s taken time to check in with me when he’s traveling or I’m traveling, but like I said we’re not quite back to that since his little “freeze me out” phase.

Apparently he told his daughter he only likes me as a sister. And wanted to make that clear. But why does he act flirty with me if he doesn’t see me as more?

[SteveSmith1985]

He does see you as more. This guy likes you. He has some sort of conflict with turning you from a friend (or whatever you wanna call it) into something more. Now that can be a very straightforward case of falling for a close friend, and that being scary. It genuinely can be. He's got these feelings for you, but is worried that doing anything with them will mess up this friendship. That's the typical version of this. This is not an uncommon situation in the very general sense.

Your version of this might indeed be more complicated. I am not sure. If he's had bad relationships in the past, then that can indeed often affect someone in ways that are irrational and make no sense to anyone else. They can be confusing.

You say you've noticed he seems to pull back just when you two are getting closer. That's "classic" fear of intimacy behavior (the sister card is just his method of pulling back. Does he also become more distant just after you've gotten especially close? That would also be a common fear of intimacy 'pulling back')

I think he does see you as more. He may worry that you don't reciprocate, but there might be some other reason (that I don't know) that he's hesitant to give it a shot with you romantically.

I think maybe you need to just lock him in a room and not let him out until he answers all your questions about this distancing, and sister stuff, and this big thing he got mad about evidently but never talked about, all of that.

(Please don't actually lock him in a room)

You do deserve some resolution. You can... always make the move yourself. He is going to acknowledge his feelings for you if you do it first. He's likely just scared to take the emotional risk, in the exact same way you are.

Otherwise, I do think he likes you. I'm not sure what his exact hangup is. But I do think he likes you from what you've said.

[Asker]

Anytime I slip up and say something remotely inferring I have more than friendly feelings for him, he pulls the friend/sister card. Wouldn’t he lean into what I said if he had feelings and wanted to acknowledge them?

Maybe he really doesn’t like me, and is just setting boundaries. Very clear ones.

You are correct. This seems very complicated. In my eyes it doesn’t have to be, but I don’t know what’s going through his head, other than he doesn’t want a relationship.

[SteveSmith1985]

It doesn't have to be complicated like it is. But that would require you to put your cards on the table; and be blunt open and honest.

It's a move that always works to get you answers. It just takes guts. It's taking an emotional risk.

Talking to someone honestly, when you show vulnerability first (by admitting your feelings for him, right off-the-bat) will always cut through all the bullshit. You literally ask all these things that are confusing.

You straight up tell him you've got feelings for him, but that you're not sure about whether he feels the same way... and get your answers.

You ask about this sister thing. And he either laughs and admits it's just something he's saying to convince you/himself. Or he explains that he does indeed see you as a sister.

I don't think he sees you as a sister. This is not how a guy sets boundaries, or makes it clear that he only sees his female friend, as a friend. It's just not.

If he saw you as a sister... he wouldn't talk about it so much.

More than anything, he wouldn't be acting the way he does around you. No guy makes sure to set boundaries then flirt with the girl. (Because that'd be confusing to her, and wouldn't make sense for him to do).

[SteveSmith1985]

That is my advice. If you're willing to take the risk.

If not, then I think this probably won't become much clearer. (Maybe they will. you never know).

It's just, his intimacy issues prevent you two from getting closer along the normal path. He pulls back when you get close. How do you get close then?

He is unwilling (or unable) to admit his feelings. I don't see what's going to change that.

I think your only real move here, is to take the risk of being wrong, and admit your feelings. Ask him straight up what his are. Get it figured out in one shot. One way or another.

I am pretty sure he likes you. His behavior is not consistent with a guy who sees a friend as a sister. Not in any way.

But, I do think he has intimacy issues. Even a talk doesn't necessarily solve that. It may, it just depends on what exactly his issue is.

[Asker]

I appreciate your thoughts and advice. At this point, I’m too scared to do anything. Every time I sorta come close, he pulls the sister/friend card, and so back off again. Last time, we didn’t really talk for 6 months because of it. He’s flat out told people he isn’t looking for a relationship. And he’s told his daughter I’m only a friend. I skk ok my know if it’s a play on his part or what, but I’m not willing to take a chance at this point. I’ve been hurt before, too, by this very same situation.

[SteveSmith1985]

That's fair enough. It's not unreasonable of you. I get it. It just sucks for you because you can't get close in the regular way. So aside from openly acknowledging that this guy has some commitment issues; you're screwed (assuming I'm right about his feelings. Which I still believe to be romantic).

I hope something does change. I hope it work out for you and him. Good luck. 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you. I hope something changes, too. He’s hardheaded, so I sorta believe he will have to come to this on his own. It will have to be his idea, or nothing will work. We shall see. 🤞🏼

[SteveSmith1985]

Good luck!

[Asker]

Can I ask. Tonight we were texting and he was talking about my dad and said, “our father.” Should this worry me or does it change your opinion of his feelings?

[SteveSmith1985]

That's so goddamn cringe. Holy shit. So, this doesn't ultimately change anything. I hear guys say all sorts of things to women (through the women). I am distinctly second-hand emberassed by him having said that.

So this is him doubling down on the sister thing in an insanely over-the-top way. A way that's over-the-top regardless. If he did think of you as an actual sister... this would be a cringe thing nobody should ever say. It would be taking a joke too far. Way too far. So far that it's notably weird.

Same thing applies if he has feelings for you. He is doubling down so hard on the sister thing... that it's crazy-suspicious (like the number of times he called you his sister in the first place).

This might help you understand better how I see this:

This is similar, to him buying you two matching shirts that say "I love my brother" and "I love my sister" on them (obviously you'd be wearing the I love my brother shirt, and he'd have the sister one)

[SteveSmith1985]

I want you to imagine he got you that as a random surprise. He shows up with a gift bag. You open it. and it's these "brother and sister" matching shirts.

You'd be like "what the actual fuck? This is taking the joke way too far. It's not funny when you take it this far. This is weird now"

That's what it's like, except maybe not quite as bad. But close.

So it's a weird doubling down on the sister thing... but its equally weird regardless of whether he likes you or thinks of you as a sister. Therefore, I don't see it changing anything aside from bringing it to a whole new weird level overall. It didn't change the balance of the scales.

Have you thought about telling him how you're annoyed that he keeps hitting the sister thing? Like as a friend. To see how he reacts. It would annoy anybody. Even someone who really did see him as a "brother." Gently call him out about it. See what he says. Introducing this new element of "our father" into the joking is a perfect opportunity. If he makes that joke again (and he will. I'm sure he's quite pleased with himself for having come up with it) then tell him its weird, and that he tells this specific sister joke too much. (just a suggestion, not something you just need to do or anything)

[Asker]

I know he does see my dad as a father figure, if that helps in your assessment at all. They are close.

But I do see your point. And yes, it is annoying. I keep hoping he’ll wake up one day with an epiphany and just figure it all out. But I suppose that’s just wishful thinking.

[SteveSmith1985]

He has it all figured out. It's just figured out in a way that only makes sense if you have intimacy issues. He isn't doing it by accident. He is doing it and must realize he's doing it, considering the frequency.

Him seeing your dad as a father figure... really depends on what you mean. You didn't grow up with him, so if he's close to your dad, that could go either way I guess. But it doesn't make a big overall difference, unless this guy and your dad have an exceptionally close bond. Would your dad ever call him "son" in a fairly serious way. Or say "you're like a son to me"? (I'm going to guess probably not).

This could easily be a boyfriend, or a friend relationship with your dad. It does not make it any less cringe. It makes it more cringe.

Yes, that is just wishful thinking to think he's going to have a epiphany. It will have to fall to you, to have the epiphany.

Your epiphany, needs to be the realization that he's never going to have one and do something. He'll just start start calling your mother mom (or maybe mum depending where you are).

You're going to have to take the big risky swing for this to ever happen. Even then, you're going to have to work through whatever intimacy issues he's got if you get together. It's not a sure thing. But I don't see him having an epiphany. I hope I'm wrong.

[Asker]

He has been saying “our dad” off and on for years, even before we got close. He hadn’t brought it up in awhile though. He was looking for my advice on something with my dad (sorta) and said about “being nervous to talk to our father.”

I guess I just don’t understand, but it makes sense what you say. I’m a face value type of girl, so these types of things send me into a tail spin. I expect words to mean what they mean and not be a coverup. It doesn’t seem to be this way with him. But, like I said, I haven’t had many positive experience with guys.

[SteveSmith1985]

Alright, well if this isn't a new "our dad" reference, than it's not nearly as bad. It's not an escalation of the sister thing.

I just re-read our whole exchange.

You know whether this guy likes you and has intimacy issues; or if he is setting clear boundaries.

You know. Stop second guessing yourself. So which one does your intuition tell you is right! You know this!

I know you do. You can tell the difference between a guy who considers you a sister; and a guy who has a crush on you. Which? (you know, you're overthinking this).

[Asker]

I know I’m overthinking this. I do that. It sucks.

I’d have said he likes me to anyone who asks, but then this stuff keeps coming up. So, honestly, I don’t know what’s going on. I get one picture and just when I think we’re getting somewhere, he says something that makes me pull back and say, “Am I really that wrong?” I have a brother. I have guy friends. I know what those interactions are like. Sometimes it seems like we’re more, but then this type of thing makes me wonder if I created the whole mess in my head.

But I really do appreciate your thoughts.

[Kaneki05]

He ethier don't like in that way and is trying to make it clear. Or he likes you but is trying to hide it maybe to even himself.

I've seen guys do both.

[Asker]

I wish I knew which one it was.

[Kaneki05]

Well if you like him. I would bring it up since he's not going to. If you don't I would leave it alone and bro zone him. Seems to solve it.

[Asker]

I’m not going to bring it up when he keeps saying I’m like his sister. That’s just asking for trouble.

[Leonardo_Di_Vinci]

From where I am standing, I think you get annoyed because you have a little smth for that person thats more than being a sister. And you hate it, when you hear him telling you his boundaries.

[Asker]

I have never pushed his boundaries. I don’t understand why he keeps bringing them up when he crosses them himself sometimes.

[Leonardo_Di_Vinci]

You do have smth for him, that's for sure. Now, he might be keeping you as a backup girlie, or maybe he is afraid of smth or maybe you act strange around him so he is being clear, the best way to find what really is cooking to distant yourself from his unannounced for a few days, that shall clear things up.

[Asker]

I don’t act strange. I act exactly as I have done for the past three years.

[Leonardo_Di_Vinci]

Then 2 other options apply

[bralesswonder]

I went on a date with a woman who had the same name as my sister. I didn't ask her out on another date.

[Wineandbeer2]

Most of the time if you are a black woman they refer to you as a sister I don't understand why

[Asker]

I am not a black woman, so that doesn’t work here.

[Wineandbeer2]

Maybe you grow up with this sister

[MasterKS]

such an irritating asshole!

[Asker]

I wish I could like this more than once!

[MasterKS]

@asker if so you can follow me and like there as friend. smile!

[Nikki1989]

There are NO zones.

[Asker]

Tell that to the guys that put you there.