Taking a break or taking a breather?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend just ghosted me the first week of their study holiday, I finally get through to them and they've been drinking (we've both been sober for the last year or so, on and off), and off their ADHD medication. They give me some line about avoiding me as not wanting to be worn down, and stressed out. Neither of which I thought I'd been actively doing in the previous weeks of daily communication (long distance). We talked a bit about it. He seemed in good spirits but somewhat nonchallant about how I felt about about the whole thing. The next day I tell him I was in a good mind to blank him for the next two weeks to process what he had to say (and hopefully make him miss me?), I had the decency to give him a heads up about it unlike him for me. After a mostly positive convo I tried to reneg on my plans, but he sounded as though he would hold me to it. He tried calling me once a day (2 days) and I sent him a photo and he sent me a video and some screenshots, but technically we aren't talking. In one of the screenshots I see he had tinder as the 'previous app' to back button to at the top of the iPhone screen... 👀

So like... Does he think we are taking a BREAK?

He has told me about using tinder previously in our relationship, when: he wanted to make sure he could still talk to girls (he has a strict no female friends policy so mostly I am the only female he interacts with), and when he found I wasn't being very appreciative of him. I'd shut these down and expressed my unhappiness with this, and I thought it was behind us. I'd checked his phone and the chats weren't tryna start anything to serious, mostly flirty banter/pick up attempts.

Can he be redeemed?

It's nearly been 4 years... 🤔

[SteveSmith1985]

No, he can't be redeemed. This is a relationship that is fucked up beyond fucked up.

I was blown away by this. Just blown away. I have never seen someone write a question description like that. You presented this incredibly well done case of a a thoroughly toxic relationship. You provide excellent detail and context. But what you're saying is fucking crazy! All of it. It's someone presenting a very clear case for a relationship that needs to end.

I would take you through it point by point. But it would be every single thing you said here. It would be every point. I am marveling at how someone who can see this as clearly as you do, cannot see how clearly messed up and unacceptable this is.

That tinder thing? What the fuck? You are with a shitty guy. He is not redeemable. This should have ended a long time ago. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

This is very easy to give you advice about. This is clear as clear can be. Not redeemable. Break up with this guy. Holy shit.

You are definitely acting wrong too. But I feel like the priority here is to end this.

[ohsheeT]

You should take this time and work on yourself

Everything I just read and felt from your words doesn't add up to love if you have to go as far as you do to try and catch him doing something.
Then down deep you don't trust him if you have to use sex as a Mulipulation to get him to do what you want him todo or something he should all ready be doing is wrong to

When your in a relationship. Your in a relationship. There are no breaks
There are no breathers.

Either your in it and it's real or your not
You either love and respect each other or you don't

There's something wrong with the whole thing
If he feels the need to be someone else while he is gone that should tell you something.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Girl, you can’t date a ghost. Make the break-up official and move on, no “breaks” just literally straight up break up. You don’t need that kind of bitch ass loser in your life.

[Kristina98]

To me, that’s childish. If I were ghosted, I wouldn't want to see them again. I’ll grieve. But I’ll get better.

[ABC1x1x]

I got a sentence or two in and I was stressed out. I feel for him.

[Asker]

Yeah like I get it, but why be so positive like the day before? And the weeks prior? And the previous 3 years?

[ABC1x1x]

3 years dealing with you? I bet he is 26 and gray.

[236color]

No, this is best over. Drinking again and not taking his meds indicates he's not interested in taking care of himself or your relationship. There's nothing but pain left on this road.

[Shiprex]

Nah, I think he's for the streets as this is a cruel slow burn of disrespect and unfaithfulness. Sorry about this flaky type of behaviour it's puzzling to me the values of masculinity are becoming so plastic and fake.

[Staximus]

4 years and you're still communicating like it's been 4 weeks and you're just fuck buddies. Your generation has the worst communication skills ever.

[Staximus]

"I finally get through to them and they've been drinking" Who is they? Are you talking about more than one person? ADHD medication is basically pharmaceutical speed, so his brain is going to be all fucked up when he gets off of that stuff until it gets out of his system and his brain chemistry returns to normal because his dopamine receptors are overtaxed. He basically went through an amphetamine come down and withdrawal. Him him not responding to you could have been from that, or he's playing stupid games and now you're doing the same. You said you shouldn't talk to him for 2 weeks and he called your bluff. All his excuses for being on tinder are bullshit. There's no reason he should be on tinder talking to other girls, is excuses are bullshit. Why don't you do yourself a favor and get rid of this bullshit artist. When is the last time you saw him in person?

[Asker]

I saw them for 4 days at the start of March. We spent 2 months together over summer.

[Staximus]

It's "I saw him", not ""I saw them". Who is them? We are talking about one person here.

[Staximus]

Write the English language correctly

[Asker]

I've been trying to call people them so I don't accidently misgrender people who prefer one or the other when I knew them first as the opposite.

[Staximus]

Time to come back to reality

[Finchie40]

Never continue with someone that Ghosts you or blocks you period , just move on and realize
You deserve way better than that shit

[spartan55]

What a fucked up relationship. Burn it down. It's not worth saving.

[MrChinaski]

You can do better. If someone ghosts you, you can do better.

[Anonymous]

Helll no he can’t be redeemed