How is it possible to have an emotional connection with someone without wanting to be a in a relationship?

[xx_kisses]

So long story short.. I have been talking to this guys for a while. We have a really strong emotional connection and we also have sex with each other.

Recently I brought up the idea to get into a relationship with him. Because after all. We act like we are in one, without the label.

But he declined it saying: "yes we have a really strong emotional connection and I enjoy having sex with you, I just don't think I am in love with you. You are just my best friend"

When I tried to go no contact he begged me to stay saying he is afraid to lose his best friend.

Is he confused about his feeling? Is he leading me on? What could be the possibility to act that way..

[SteveSmith1985]

The problem is, you're not willing to hear him. He is not confused about his feelings.

It is entirely possible to want to have an emotional connection with someone, but not want a relationship with them. That's... a close friend.

He told you straight up... I care about you. But it's as a friend. You are important to me... as a friend. I am upset if you go no contact... because I don't want to lose my best friend.

He has been super duper clear that he does not want a relationship, yet cares about you, and the emotional connection you two share. That is important to him. As a best friend.

Usually there isn't sex in such a relationship. It's just best friends.

He's said..."you are my best friend. I also enjoy having sex with you."

You continuing to have sex with him... implies that you're good with that.

Because he's told you exactly where he's coming from.

He sees you as a best friend.

You are important to him, but he doesn't see you romantically (or have that spark or however you want to put it). You... seem to be almost willfully unwilling to hear him.

I think perhaps you work differently. Based on the question.

Before I even clicked on your question... I thought to myself "well... that's just a close friend." Because it is. That's how that is possible (your question I mean).

It's just... you probably don't think of "friends" and "sex" as going together (friends with benefits is not usually actually a friendship). because usually they don't!

Usually, if you share a close emotional connection, but one (or both) of you doesn't want a relationship, you... wouldn't have sex. You would be regular non-sexy best friends.

So a lot of guys wouldn't straight up tell you, that clearly, that they see you as a friend. Because they would be worried that being so honest would mean that he no longer gets to have sex with you. (which is what it usually would mean, if you're hoping for something more. Otherwise... you're leading...yourself on. Because he's told you he doesn't see you that way).

Sorry.

[VIVANT]

You may have missed the part where she sent no contact. She heard him and she responded appropriately. Him being « straight up » would be fine but he’s. Lt actually going this.

He is demanding and expecting her to understand and respect his boundaries, while ignoring hers.

him begging her to come back for the exact reason she left i e « come back bc I don’t want to lose my friend » (again, she walked away precisely bc he ses her as a friend and she wants a relationship) is extremely imbalance psychologically.

Either he doesn’t understand his own feelings and OR is making too much out of what the actual difference is between what they are doing and what a relationship is OR he’s consciously playing mind games to get sex. Maybe a combo. But at this point it is not her who is not looking at reality or leading herself on.

She has been honest with herself and upfront with him. . She could have gone on pretending to be fine with things, which MANY people do.

she had the presence of mind to recognize that will not work for her. That took a lot of strength and courage and he sh! t t all over her dignity with a fake ploy for sympathy bc he is not able or willing to be honest with himself and with her.. she is not leading herself on she is questioning what his problem is.

Asking a question about someone’s psychological disposition, esp when jive been involved with then- is not the same as trying to change it. I even find his behavior really curious and funny in a rather bleak way.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

@SteveSmith1985
He may not be confused about his own feelings, but he has out of the norms expectations in wishing to be understood while sporting contradicting terms. He is de facto engaged in a romantic relationship with the asker, since he confessed feelings, since they have sexual intimacy.

He has the right to sport confusing views about matters of the heart, but he has the duty to realize he's very hard to understand.

Plus, as Vivant said above, he is trying to maintain a connection with the asker based on his own quirky views in romance instead of trying to find balance with her.

[SteveSmith1985]

@VIVANT I did take the "no contact" thing differently. I thought it was something she had done, and then ended up giving up on. Not that she had gone no contact, and that was the current state of things.

I think one thing you said here, in particular stuck out to me: "the actual difference is between what they are doing and what a relationship is"

This, to me, is exactly what the whole thing revolves around. And that is indeed what can lead someone to misinterpret this guys intentions. There doesn't seem to be, in reality, a whole lot of daylight between whatever is going on between these two... and a relationship. It looks... very much like a relationship. It has many of the elements of a relationship (caring about the person, deep connection, and sex).

But if someone is explicit in telling you that they do not see you that way. And that they do not want a relationship, then that is more important than how things seem.

Now, I don't think its a good thing for anyone to carry on with a friendship under those terms. Especially if she's got feelings for him.

But it's entirely possible to have that emotional connection, without it being romantic (close friends). But the fact that he wanted a best friend he could have sex with, isn't a shock. I don't find his behavior all that curious. It makes sense to me.

You are right though, if she has gone no contact, and is trying to understand what's up with this guy, then a lot of my answer would be different. I'm still not sure how to read that no-contact thing. And I agree that after that, if he wanted her back as a best friend, then HE should have taken the initiative to say "ok, we need to stop sleeping together" (because he should be able to see that its hurting/confusing her to maintain this weird-ass best friends who have sex thing.)

[VIVANT]

oh yes, it’s absolutely possible to have really strong feelings for someone and not want to be in a relationship, or imagine that you can’t be in relationship, or worry about being in a relationship… You could worry, he will mess things up by calling in a relationship by disappointing you or himself or who knows what. it’s possible he’s consciously playing games and knows that he just wants sex, but I don’t know him well enough to determine any of that. Assuming that he really does see you as a best friend and he he’s attracted to you and like having sex with you and spending time with you. I would think he has a problem with relationships. I’m not a problem with you because really… Best friend that you’re attracted to that you like spending time with you really can’t get better than that for a relationship. so he either is very naïve about what a relationship really is or he’s got some other kind of issue that he knows about him. You don’t know about. In this case, I do not think it’s because he’s waiting around for something else. I think he has issues.

I think that you did a really strong and difficult thing by confronting yourself with what you really wanted and then being honest with him about it a lot of people wouldn’t do that they would just go on and on and on pretending they’re OK with the situation, hoping that it would change or just trying to convince themselves that is all they wanted. and by doing that, you forced him to respond in a way that it seems that he wasn’t prepared to, but he had no option. Which helped you to get the information that you needed. And the reason that I think he wasn’t prepared to respond is because he came back after that, giving you the reasons i. e.” he doesn’t want to lose his best friend tho he still doesn’t want a relationship”, for why you shouldn’t go away, When “being his best friend “ and not in a relationship is why you walked away… So he’s really not making sense right now.

It’s true He said he’s not in love with you so I mean he should understand that you don’t want to be romantically involved with someone who’s not in love with you. I would really put it to him like that and for him to reflect on what he’s actually talking about and what he really means… IF you choose to say anything at all to him about.

I just think he needs things to be put in a perspective for him that he can understand because he’s acting blindly right now.

But definitely don’t get involved with him in the same way under terms that you’ve already said or not acceptable for you or healthy for you.

1. You don’t wanna be romantically involved with someone who you are not in a relationship with & he doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with you.

2. He doesn’t want to be romantically involved with someone that he’s “ not in love with” and he’s ostensibly not in love with you.

Then closed. everybody knows where they stand. Nothing needs to be corrected. There’s no reason for him to beg anything from you. He made up his mind or his heart etc etc

it will just be painful for a while for each of you in your respective experiences.

there’s something we can shameless about his behavior here that really surprises me. Zero self reflection. But again he’s old enough to have developed some phobias. So I don’t know. I do find it interesting that he brought up the fact that he’s not in love with you when obviously you don’t have to be in love with someone to be in a relationship and you guys _are_ technically in a relationship. He just doesn’t wanna call it that. If I call a flower a rock, it doesn’t make it a rock. Language is used to refer to what we communicating. It doesn’t what we’re communicating. He’s inverting the situation. Words are not omnipotent they’re just indicators.

so he’s already done the thing that he’s claiming he can’t or will not do. Which is interesting.

plus, I don’t think you mentioned Love. that was him bringing it up.. so I find that curious as well.

he may have emotional scars or whatever I don’t know, but it’s interesting..

I wish you luck 🍀

[french_omelette]

Romantic relationships require intimacy (emotional connection), passion (attraction), and commitment (maintaining a relationship and wanting it to last).

Friendships require intimacy and commitment

Friendships with benefits have all three of those except you are only attracted to their body not them as a partner, and your emotional connection may be close but emotionally they can't see you as a partner and probably just have sex with you because it's convenient and you get pleasure

[french_omelette]

well, they dont have commitment. Just emotional connection and passion. Commitment means relationship responsibilities, maintaining it and wanting it long term, seeing a future with someone

[Summeroflove]

You can be attracted to someone by their looks, personality, sense of humor, style, etc. But also at the same time know that they aren’t compatible with you and vice versa.

At the end of the day sone people use someone for sex as well as the romantic benefits of having a partner without committing. Why? Because at the end they think they can find better or someone else. But they want someone to fall back on if all else fails as well as a holdover.

Some people are waiting on someone. Like at a restaurant and this is typical of narcissists… They at the end of it all really want that main course meal but don’t want to wait for it so they have a appetizer. But don’t worry when they find that full course meal eventually they will realize it’s not all they thought get bored and want desert. But that’s another story.

But narcissists also can’t stand being ignored especially if they didn’t initiate it. They always want to feel as if they have the upper hand even if that means begging you to come back and cutting you off themselves. They have to feel in control and as if they have a upper hand.

He’s probably using you…. And you know it.

[VIVANT]

Some people really can’t handle the emotional weight of a relationship, or what they imagine that to entail. It’s not necessarily bc they are « waiting for someone better ». Tho in both cases, the behavior is selfish if they still old into that person that they « don’t want to be with ».

The thing is, We don’t know how he feels about relationships. We didn’t have that info atm. We just know he is unable or unwilling to be in a relationship joe he sees it and he’s plenty if people avoid relationships even if they would otherwise be with that person.

It shouldn’t change things for her. If he really doesn’t want a relationship , it’s best for her to walk away, as she has done. Bc the alternative is unhealthy.

. But assuming he’s waiting for something better… it’s unnecessary and we don’t know that… I guess it’s fair to say it’s a reason sometimes for some people~ there are a lot of reasons.

Altho if he really sees her as his best friend and he’s attracted to her… I find it hard to imagine someone « better » lol

That’s A LOT!!.

[Summeroflove]

@VIVANT a LOT of people especially narcissists only want the benefits of being in a relationship. They fantasize about all someone can do for them but don’t really have much to offer themselves anyone who does have a lot to offer eventually becomes exhausted trying to please her or him.

But you’re right it just depends on the person some people can life are empathetic as well as are decent people. But there is a LOT of narcissists out there as well who walk amongst good people and can act like good people. Look like good people

[Summeroflove]

@VIVANT I think part of the issue is being spoiled as a child or the other extreme of being neglected. To the point where it’s either all in for themselves or they just expect things.

Not saying it’s a excuse but people either learn as adults or double down

[Summeroflove]

@VIVANT but there is a lot of people who want a holdover. But someone to fall back on as well.

No matter what it’s wrong to use another human being but at the same time people choose to stay with people

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

You found gold here, and misfortune... I mean, "a really strong emotional connection but it's not love", what a maddening and puzzling statement 😂

I would 99% stay away from such a confusing and confused discourse. The 1% left would be if I understood where he comes from to throw such randomness like it's normal haha. If I understood his path, his mind, how all of this is structured inside his head. Otherwise, 99% chances I'd leave the scene because love is a strong emotional connection. And it implies sexual attraction.

[EzraIsShy76028]

It can be rough for sure, but it is possible.

You basically have to separate your emotional side and your logical side, and try to find the balance between both.

You have to accept that the feelings are what they are, and they're valid, and also respect what the other person wants.

A lot of people just can't do it and so they (understandably) cut the person out of their life. Not necessarily always the best choice, but if it works for you it works for you.

In your specific situation sounds like he enjoys spending time with you (and even having sex) but doesn't find you compatible for a long term relationship, for whatever reason.

The next step is totally up to you. But yeah.

[NotLongKindaGirthy]

Hmm... something definitely weird going on here.

I kinda suspect the guy isn't being completely honest with you, sorry.

It's possible that you're a "side chick" and don't realize you are.

Or he might be hung on on some other girl, and he's using you for emotional support while he tries to persuade her to do on a date with him.

Or maybe he doesn't want to marry you because there's something about you that makes you unmarriageable, in his eyes, even though you check all the other boxes.

Or something.

I really have no idea, sorry.

[DangerouslyCute]

if he doesn't want a relationship it's his decision

if you don't want friendship with sex and romantic feelings it's your decision

you have to be open about what you want and don't want

guessing or assuming what he is confused about or not won't solve your problem

set your boundaries, make your expectations clear and if needed make a decision about ending it if you don't feel good

[Finchie40]

He just wants his cake and eat it to , he likes the convenience of you , he likes being your friend cans he likes having sex with you but he also wants to have sex or keep himself open to have sex with someone else , Why you should never be FWB’s without any strings attached , without strings attached you are setting yourself up for failure and being used

[Nikki1989]

This involves sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, fears, and dreams with another person. It's about feeling truly seen, heard, and understood without judgment. This can exist in many relationship types. I have many friends like this, and most of them are male, which destroys the belief that men and women can't be friends.

[sawno]

He may have a warped idea of love, if he expect stereotypical butterflies he may be denying himself a great relationship. He needs to reflect if he loves who you are and if he'd like having what he has long term.

[xx_kisses]

Thats what I said too! I asked him what being in love meant to him and he said: wanting to be with that person all the time and maybe even thinking about having kids in the future, but guess what... we are with each other all the time! And when I try to leave he gets defensive about it saying he is scared to lose me

[sawno]

Might be a fear of commitment, i'd do a bit of a carrot and stick with this one. He needs to understand that you want someone long term and that the only way this will last is if he's willing to commit because otherwise you'd be better off looking for someone who will. But at the same time help him overcome why he's hesitant, try working on it together if you love him before bailing.

[Pohjolan]

Emotional connection is on a spectrum.

Someone may have a emotional connection with their car or favourite mug. Doesn't mean that they have a relationship with those.

To me it seems that you are the one who is confused.

You can't keep your cake and eat it too.

Either you seek a relationship with someone else or settle for your current friends with benefits arrangement.

[spartan55]

He's not confused about anything or leading you on. You give him free sex without commitment, why would he want to give that up? You aren't his 'best friend', that's bullshit to keep you around.

[Geo1970]

That the two of you or more, Are able to connect even without words.
It is as though you know each other yet you do not know each other due to the fact that you have never met before.


Only one scenario of probably a list of many!

[katiesmuff]

So in short he likes the pussy as long as it comes with no responsibilities? Good catch, throw him back and move on!

[xx_kisses]

Nah, thats actually not true because we do have an deeply emotional connection

[spartan55]

@xx_kisses
It is true, a 'deep emotional connection' doesn't mean relationship responsibilities.

[fantasticass]

He's "playing " with you. Leave him, he doesn't love you. You are just a fukk to him. He doesn't have any feelings for you,. You will be left heartbroken if you stay.

[RedInnocent69]

Well, that’s confusing. It may not be a lovey-dovey, let’s get married kind of relationship, but don’t kid yourself. You’re having sex. It’s not a one night stand. You’re in a relationship, of some kind, anyway

[DishLady]

Wdym? People have emotional connections all the time without being romantically attached.

[WhitneySnow]

He’s leading you on. He just wants sex without a relationship. Sorry girl.

[exitseven]

this is what happens when you have friends with benefits. Somebody always gets hurt.

[BarryLiverstone]

How long is a while? It sounds like he could be leading you on tbh. Do you love him?

[xx_kisses]

Knew him for a year, but he was still in a relationship back then. He had a 5 year long relationship with his ex, then we got in touch again 3 months ago

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok that makes more sense. Yes he sees you as a friend and he doesn’t want to be restricted by just dating you rn. He may still love his ex. Do they still communicate?

[xx_kisses]

He still lives with her, but she is searching for another place to live ofcourse.. but on the other hand is says he loves me and feels safe with me and we have sex which is basically a relationship thing without the label to me

[BarryLiverstone]

He still lives with his ex. So he will not be your boyfriend until that changes. When will she move out?

[xx_kisses]

We don't know yet, he hopes asap

[BarryLiverstone]

This is why I said he’s leading you on. No definitive future milestones. If you try to leave he will freak out again

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s only been three months (in the new situation) .. what do you want for the remainder of this year?

[xx_kisses]

Yes he freaks out all the time when I say I might leave and begs me to stay, but on the other side he says he want to search for other options but likes everything with me. Like he even said kissing that other girl was not worth it and when back to me. I kinda wanna see how things will work out if we actually dated

[BarryLiverstone]

“He wants to search for other options”

No guy would tell a girl that he’s in love with or a girl he sees a future potential in dating that he’s searching for other options than her.

He’s basically said you are a good friend but he thinks he can find someone better as a girlfriend

[BarryLiverstone]

Are you more attractive than his ex?

[xx_kisses]

I would say I am more attractive yes

[BarryLiverstone]

There is a 1% chance by the end of the year he’s your boyfriend. But that means this summer you need to give him space to work out his current relationship and his ex moves out. Then you tell him you want to reset the relationship with him and go 60-90 days no sex, just dating as if you are getting to know him all over again.

I say that’s 1% because what’s more likely is you both keep up the ftf. He gets sex with no boyfriend responsibilities. You get sex that you feel is safe as you know he’s not ghosting you if you get pregnant

[BarryLiverstone]

And because you feel a deeper emotional connection with him, you will focus on him and shut down other chances you have this year in finding love. That’s why I said he’s leading you on.. he freaks out because he knows you are attractive and another guy would date you.. and that ends the sex he’s getting.

I’m not sugarcoating it so if I sound like a jerk that’s not my intent

[xx_kisses]

I see what you mean to be honest.. you are not being a jerk at all.. but its a f'ed up situation ngl

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s not ideal at all. Really until she moves out.. he’s still with her in a sense.

[BarryLiverstone]

Why invest in him? Certainly you have had other guys show you interest. Like I said, I understand why you feel safe having sex with him. But aside from that and any emotional connection, why choose him over someone else? I’m asking because you don’t wanna be stuck for a year waiting for him do you

[xx_kisses]

Because I really had no one being this nice and understanding to me. I immidiatley felt safe around him and I had never experienced such thing

[BarryLiverstone]

I understand a year ago that safety and openness must have been a breathe of fresh air. But friends can play that role in your life as much as romantic partners. I know you feel safe around him but would think you want more and he’s not in a place in life to give you more any time soon.

[RHK36]

He's just lying to you so you hear what you want to hear. Most likely just there for the easy sex.

[bddddd]

Be genuine. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't.

[AndrésC64]

It's not possible. If you have an emotional connection you are by definition in a relationship.

[jahaims]

Aren't healthy enough for a proper relationship but they still crave it

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I've never heard of such situation.

[glennos89]

He wants you just for the sex most likely

[Jamie05rhs]

Um, you're already fucking...

[VIVANT]

lol 🫡

[BlueJeanBaby07]

Sure that’s what friends with benefits is.