How do you deal with a gamer boyfriend who’s always “there but not really there”?

Question

My boyfriend is a full-on PC gamer. I knew he was a gamer when we started dating, and I even thought it was cool I play occasionally myself, and I always got along with gamers. But now that we live together, I’m realizing it’s… a lot.

He’s not toxic or neglectful he helps with chores, we cook and eat together, still go on dates, and he’s never rude even when he’s losing a game. So I’m not dealing with one of those rage-gamers.

But the issue is... he stays up gaming until 6AM, sleeps through the day, and I end up feeling like I’m dating a vampire roommate who’s “online” more than emotionally present. Even when we’re in the same room, if he’s on Discord with his friends, I feel like he’s mentally in another dimension 😂

I don’t want to be controlling or ask him to give up something he loves. But yeah… I kinda miss falling asleep next to my boyfriend. It’s like I’m dating someone who lives in another timezone.

Girls, do you have gamer boyfriends? How do you balance the relationship with their gaming habits?
Guys, has a girlfriend ever had a problem with your gaming? What’s a good middle ground?

WindAtMyBack · Accepted Answer

"I don’t want to be controlling or ask him to give up something he loves."

This isn't about something he loves. It's about an unhealthy obsession and addiction. Addiction can be defined in a lot of ways. One common way is whether it interferes with their daily life or has some other negative affects. Another way is whether he controls it, or it controls him. He fails at both of those.

Games are intentionally designed to be addictive. If a reviewer calls a game additive, that's the game everyone wants to play. Even "just" a couple of hours a day is a lot. But it sounds like he's playing way more than that.

You don't have many options. You can try to get him to quit, or at least get it under control - that's not likely to work but its worth a try. You can put up with it. Or you can leave him.

He's throwing his life away. Seriously. Time is the most valuable thing we have. Once it's spent you can never get it back. He is throwing away the most valuable thing he has. You need to be careful not to do the same.

DannyUk2017 · Accepted Answer

I'll never Understand how "these gamers" have a girlfriend/Wife and just Wasting time in front of a screen, as much as possible, i mean for real.. what YOU women gain from this? How does He "contribute" to day to day Life? As you said.. He Is in Another Dimension, but all of you seem fine with it.. how does it buy its clothes, food, what about the bills? That is No life... When time is gonna Run Out, he will Regret it, and so do You! As time never stop, just a disclaimer, this is Just my POV, anyone else is free to think and do as they please... but for me? A woman that is Gaming, Sitting on the phone 23h out of 24, just Eat, Game, Drink, Game, Shit, Game, Sleep, Game again... Is A Big NO-NO! I'll pass... what kids will learn? (If we will have any) ?, Cannot call that a Family Life! 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️

DishLady · Accepted Answer

Lol. A callous is always on your foot but you can't love it... You need to prompt him with a few things that tell him "it's time to get off your ass... you've had enough gaming time." You can:
--> encourage him to set an alarm for when he should stop; he can play at fixed times when MOST of his friends are also online, however he can't just fuck around all day.

--> encourage him to get into a routine with chores and tasks (start with simple ones that he'll do daily till the routine starts to form)

--> reward him for his efforts (showing appreciation for him with a nice meal and other special treatment that tells him you love and respect him and are pleased with his good behavior towards you, etc.)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Sometimes I like to watch him play. Sometimes the music puts me to sleep.

I'll be at his place. I'm in his bed and he'll be on the sofa (it's in his room). I don't really care if he games after I fall asleep but I hate waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him asleep on the couch instead of in bed with me. Either the game loading screen or some video talking about gameplay. The gameplay videos bother me more because he usually puts those on to fall asleep. Dude, if you're sleepy, come to bed. You can still hear the video if your an extra 2 feet away...

Although, he will turn it off or put in one of my favorites if I ask.

HollyK21 · Answer

I’m being so serious when I say that this is a you problem and if you don’t like it then leave him. So very serious because girl — you KNEW! You KNEW what you were getting into, dealt with it all the time up until living together (which should take some months up to a year unless you rushed into it), now that you aren’t falling asleep in his arms it’s a problem? Let that man work towards his dreams in peace. I would be more in agreement with you if he were entirely negligent as I know some gamers can be, but you said yourself he’s still very present. You go on dates, spend time together, It sounds like he’s doing a good job juggling a relationship and have a job gaming.

Also this is just my assessment for if he is trying to build up as a streamer because I know that it takes a lot of time and dedication. If he’s not and this is just a hobby, I’d have other thoughts.

ohsheeT · Answer

I really don't want to answer this question. Because your your a good person with a good heart. If your not being taken advantage of now you will with everything

Bills. Your and his power food

It's a dead end street. So it will bug you so much you won't be able to take it. Andvthe only way to make him do the right thing

That be responsible for him self no help from you.

If you know down deep he's a good guy then

You have to do tough love. Sorry to say.

But this is not your destiny or his but he's addicted

Cormac995 · Answer

I say this as someone who constantly games myself there are things he's doing here that are bad. If your gamming is messing up your sleep cycle that's a problem, you need to tell him you're feeling a little neglected and want some more attention. He doesn't need to give up gamming he just needs to make some more time for you. It's good that he does his chores and does those things, but you also need attention in a relationship and his messed-up sleep cycle is causing all kinds of problems. Tell him you just want him to slow down spend a little time with you and fix his sleep schedule. That's not controlling those are all reasonable things to ask for.

RHK36 · Answer

So it wasn't a problem before, but it's now a problem because you live together. He still shows up for you like you said, but you just don't like it? Make it make sense. Why get more serious if you already knew he was gaming a lot. That's like him expecting you to make a major change for no reason only because he wants you to do something different. The reverse can be said. Why haven't you dove more into gaming to spend time with him. Why don't you join his discord and play games more often. If he's still being responsible I don't see the issue other than you don't like his hobby. What's your hobby and why don't you introduce him to that. If you don't have any hobbies then why are you yapping or are you bored and want him to entertain you.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

"Guys, has a girlfriend ever had a problem with your gaming?"
No.

"What’s a good middle ground?"
Therevis no middle ground.
If she's not mentally the same, I'm not going to date her to begin with.

Your relationship is living on barrowed time and will dissolve over time no matter what you do.

People on here go on and on about how I'm too picky, how I should settle, but this exact problem is why they're wrong.

Partners need to be mentally the same or it can't work long term.

Leon1 · Answer

2 things,

Firstly, it’s not that he games anything can be bad in excess that is the issue. it’s that he is gaming at 6am and what not, this means he is keeping his mind off something, running from something he needs to do or is bothering him.

Bad news is He doesn’t even realize he is using something he likes as coping tool and it’s difficult to even address that if he himself isn’t willing to acknowledge or figure it out.

Good news is at least it’s not gambling or alcohol or hookers etc.

Secondly, if you feel neglected then setting a ‘quality time’ maybe a day or two a week to go out or maybe watch a movie at home together, Setting a date night / snuggle time etc can help.

Finchie40 · Answer

You are best to find someone else , unless you want to stay with a guy that prioritizes video games over prioritizing you , the fact that you go to bed by yourself on a regular basis basis is a red flag , if your boyfriend valued and appreciated you , he would be going to bed with you and stepping away from those video games , it’s one thing to play video games games on occasion but to pick that over a partner is a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore

hannamontana · Answer

Another huge red flag. Babe, seriously, just pack up and walk away — some people just don’t get what it means to prioritize you. You don’t need some IT nerd glued to their screen all day; you need someone who’s willing to carve out real time for you, who chooses you over their games. Anything less? Not worth it.

alice55 · Answer

Ask him to not go to bed so late and wake up earlier I guess, I'm the same ways going to bed very late and waking up ins the afternoon, I try to make efforts but it's not easy all the time xD

I think the only things to do is to ask him to go to bed earlier maybe like 4 am?

Shiprex · Answer

Sounds like he's addicted to gaming if it's taking up all his time to live life. It's affecting his existence if he doesn't have a real job that requires rest, recouping and mental alertness.

As tough as it is you should let him know you feel like a gamer widow. That's a life you choose not get forced in to.

anon1903 · Answer

Is he a streamer or something? If not, you can talk to him about it. How you'd like him to make time for you. If he doesn't want to compromise, that's when you dump him.

I love how everyone's blaming you just because you said he isn't a rage gamer like ok that improves things

genericname85 · Answer

how is he gaming until 6am and then sleeping all day? is he unemployed or something? weird. anyway i'd say a good idea would be to have at least one date night a week, where he's not gaming but spending time with you. i think that's completely reasonable cause he can game all he wants all the other days of the week then.

Flower7 · Answer

You would have to leave the relationship. People like that have an addiction. This is not something you have much control over. I doubt that he’d stop.

Staximus · Answer

Tell him to start living in the real world again, not his fake online world. How does this bum work if he stays up all night playing stupid video games?

bowenw · Answer

He's likely not going to change so you'll have to find someone else.

Shy_Steve · Answer

Try to organise dates or outings together when he is free. It's just like anyone who works a lot you just have try and manage and make time.

exitseven · Answer

If he stys up all night playing video games how does he hold a full time job? Or maybe he doesn't?

Biricik · Answer

This is why I don't date gamers, they have no life.

jahaims · Answer

When does he work if he games all night and sleeps all day

an_nMary · Answer

That’s not helpful at all, gamers are less attentive in relationships

TheTrish · Answer

Say something first if nothing changes we be over.

WhitneySnow · Answer

Does he have a job?

Nikki1989 · Answer

Find yourself a man, not a child.

Anonymous · Answer

He came like this, yes?

IWILLPLEASEYOU · Answer

Try and get a hold of his cock

Anonymous · Answer

He doesn't work?

qwerty2469 · Answer

Suck his dick

How do you deal with a gamer boyfriend who’s always “there but not really there”?

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