What makes a guy a loser?

[DishLady]

There’s a guy I know who is physically attractive, professionally sound, intellectually brilliant, but psycho-socially there’s a glitch.

Someone from our group mentioned the guy is an absolute loser and I shouldn’t associate with him. So I asked what makes him a loser and was told to just look at him… see who he hangs out with… and that was it.

He does tend to pick off bottom rung guys to be his friends. But he insists on remaining connected to me.

There more to the story obvi, but what I’d like to know is what makes you look at a guy who seems successful and so on and think he’s a loser?

[HawkPerception]

This is a pretty subjective concept. To me it's all about morals. Are they an unfilial son, a deceptive friend, or an abusive partner or father? Do they pick up their trash or just toss it on the streets? Do they help their loved ones when and however they can?

I don't care if a guy has no drive or motivation in life. He can be truly content with the minimum or just not have a passion for much in life. That doesn't make him a loser, although many girls might beg to differ.

It's all about whether they're a good person or not. That's my opinion.

[DishLady]

“It's all about whether they're a good person or not.”

Yes but that’s what we’re trying to determine here…

[Anonymous]

A loser is not getting anywhere in life and not doing anything about it. You see them all over this site. I can't get a job. I can't get a girlfriend. I don't have any friends. I don't have any money. I'm living with my parents.

Unless you are physically or mentally disabled, anyone can do these things. Not trying is not an excuse. Trying and failing is not an excuse. Being shy or not a good communicator or having no skills or whatever is not an excuse. You have to fix yourself. You have to improve yourself. You have to find other people to help you. They are out there, you have to find them.

Your life right now is the sum total of all the decisions you have made up to this point. So make better decisions, and better things will happen in your life.

A loser is a person who is not willing to do this.

[DishLady]

He can't get a girlfriend and the friends thing is extremely dubious bc no one who is "not a loser" is friends with him. He's allowing himself to be in really poor circles.

He *is* living with his mom... she is living at his, more precisely, bc she's handicapped now. Who else should tend to her? She's a nice gal and struggled to raise him. They're fine to me...

I don't know ALL his decisions, but I'm being told not to waste my time on a loser.

[Anonymous]

"There’s a guy I know who is physically attractive, professionally sound, intellectually brilliant..."

This ^ is not a loser.

"He does tend to pick off bottom rung guys to be his friends..."

This ^ tells me he probably has some confidence issues, but they don't make him a loser.

[DishLady]

That's what I said. There's insecurity but also some type of personality glitch that causes him to stick with folks like this. But *A LOT* of people have been telling me that he's a loser since the year started... each has a different reason.

[Opinion Owner]

It's interesting that so many people have said that about him, but none have given you a valid reason why other than who he hangs out with. I guess if I were you I would just be cautious but open minded.

[DishLady]

They’re being polite. That’s how we do in our community. However it’s a sign to me that SO MANY people I know and respect don’t like him.

[worldscolide]

Im going to state something a bit different.. Because it has nothing to do with his money, or his job, or his education. It has everything to do with his desire to better him self.

If a man has zero desire to improve him self, Better him self, and so on, that is what makes a man a loser. Of course if the man is a career criminal that is also a loser.

If you go by what a lot of women on social media states as a loser, then i would have been in that category when i met my wife. I had a shit job, in a shit apartment, with a shitty car, and i had little money. I met my wife and decided to improve so i could live a life with her and not worry about things like money.

[DishLady]

It’s nothing to do with money… he does well enough. I don’t even look into that too much.

I think part of it is also that people who know me and how selective I am about letting a guy hold “relationship” status with me are thinking “this guy is just a loser; move on,” but I see he’s not all bad the way some other guys truly are.

The people he calls friends certainly ARE a red flag.

[worldscolide]

Yeah I forgot that part. An old maxim my grandfather taught me "you are who you surround yourself with

[DishLady]

Exactly.

[OlderAndWiser]

Does he have core values that resonate with your sense of morality or ethics? Is short-term gratification more important than his core values? Does he consciously make decisions that keep him true to his core values?

[DishLady]

What's short-term gratification in this scenario?

Core values seemed aligned till he allowed very negative people to enter his life as permanent fixtures. I tried to warn him, but 🤷🏻‍♀️.

The core values he expresses TO ME and the ones he basically ignores hanging with a myriad of other people is totally different.

[OlderAndWiser]

Judge him by his actions and not by his words. It is easy to talk the talk, but does he walk the walk?

[DishLady]

You just said exactly what my closest friend told me about it. He says I’m a walk the walk type person and deserve the same, whether it’s a friend or more. I guess I’m silly for taking the time to assess something that others think isn’t worth my time.

[OlderAndWiser]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to make your own evaluation of him. I have done the same thing many times.

[DishLady]

True… but possibly it IS a waste in this case.

[OlderAndWiser]

I always feel somewhat unsatisfied if I act solely on the basis of what others tell me.

[slatyb]

He considers himself a loser, that's why he hangs out with guys who are less successful. This is sad but you won't be able to fix it anytime soon, and you won't want to hang out with his friends.

[DishLady]

The ones I know are awful.

[ryanrhino]

A loser is someone how cares not about anyone else and may bring other people's positivity down more often than not.

A loser may be someone who is seeking emotional health, but doesn't know how to ask for it.

But, it's possible this guy is trying to feel better about himself by helping other guys achieve their happiness.

[DishLady]

I’ve actually been trying to either figure him out or tell him to shove off bc he tends to pick at me and say negative things….

[ryanrhino]

Maybe ask him why he's so negative and critical of people and it makes him unfun to be around.

[Still-alive]

to me its people who are complainers about their lot in life and do nothing or very little to fix it. thats about the most fundamental way i see it.

[DishLady]

I don’t see that as being specifically related to this guy’s situation, but I appreciate your point.

[Still-alive]

the ‘professionally sound’ part makes me think no he’s not a loser. Especially if he’s happy with his life despite hanging out with bad people. I would just say maybe he has poor judgment with friends. It happens.

[Spencer10]

For me its two important traits. Lack of respect ( for themselves or others) and being closed minded. If a persons has these two attributes they are usually placed into my loser zone.

[Arcadian222]

Social circle really depends on your comfort. Over time you keep friends whom have given you good time.

HOWEVER, fun is one thing. I would always find ways to spend time for my other life goals and for that I would also have a group (not necessarily friends) to hang around with to share ideas and help each other

[DishLady]

Ah! You know what? You're the perfect person to ask this question to. You're literally surrounded by folks who think about social standing and propriety... which by extension includes the people who you choose to call "friend" as opposed to an acquaintance.

So the question is that physically and intellectually this guy seems to reflect a higher social status than he actually holds (based on his friends, his social/EQ limitations, etc.).

There's no real pattern or design to the people he is connecting with in terms of goal-reaching. THEY are all very obvious losers who he finds irritating, but he still talks to them and hangs out with them often enough to be associated with them by people who would have actually been strong connections for him.

I asked him... doesn't he WANT to be with people he can actually hold conversations with at this level? Why is he holding himself back?

[Arcadian222]

Probably, he belonged to that group of people once and he just outright developed his stature that may seem different today.

I think your question is more towards why is he NOT with people of higher standings than him being with sort of 'losers'.
Either he think he still doesn't belong to that higher standing group, or he just got lucky to be the way he has been or he dont realize the power of right social circle

[DishLady]

No no. They're all new acquaintances within the past year. I know them all well and know their character. I've tried explaining to him why it reflects poorly on him to connect with this type of person, however he insists on associating with them, even though he considers at least one of them very annoying.

[DishLady]

The question is a little about both. I mean, it's as if he does not have the ability to discern his own value.

I'm not sure how HE was before this year because he only entered MY circle very late last August. But the handful of people (other than his lovely family) that I see him with are always really... losers.

[Arcadian222]

Probably, he is very new to all this. And doesn't yet understand how can he benefit from it or how is he being perceived.
Its the only plausible thing in my mind rn

[Tom567456]

Lack of confidence, for whatever reason. He needs therapy. He needs to have dignity and if not that's bad

[DishLady]

He has ego and I think he sees that as dignity.

[Tom567456]

Not the same, unfortunately

[exitseven]

it is usually lack of ambition but it can be other things like drug abuse , self sabotage or Trump Derangement Syndrome

[DishLady]

Lol.

[Mark987]

I wouldn't judge a man who he hangs around with, Usually he will be the same as his friends but not always. What makes a man a loser? Acting better, treating a waiter/waitress less than he is

[DishLady]

He can be polite sometimes and dismissive other times, It's not consistent.

[Likes2drive]

I guess he’s socially awkward so he picks people that he’s superior to , so I guess he looks like a loser because of the company that he keeps

[DishLady]

That's how folks from MY close friends group regard the situation.

I talked to the guy about it too. I said I was going to start trying to connect him to better circles so he's not stuck this way. But my friends tell me it's really not worth it.

[Likes2drive]

Well it’s up to you if you want to

[DishLady]

I’m seriously rethinking.

[DishLady]

Spoke to my closest advisor today (who knows the whole story) and he sees that I’m at least in a healthier place that I can see the guy’s glitch and make my choice whether to accept or reject the guy as is.

[Likes2drive]

Yeah exactly, it’s your decision whether your friends approved or not

[stratford]

As a self-certified loser, I can give many examples, but I try not to run myself down.

[DishLady]

Aww. That's not nice... I'm sure you're not one.

[stratford]

Thanks Dish. I figure its better to be honest and humble.

[Staximus]

If he can't handle his day to day life responsibilities or can't stay out of trouble

[Panthero80]

"Loser" is a very subjective term.

[Pterodon]

No job or income, no car, government phone