My wife doesn't feel the same anymore.....

[Housleyjr]

My wife and I have been together for 9 years and have 2 kids. She has been going out almost every other night with her friends. I have had no issues with it just thinking that she needed some time to herself. It came to an end recently when I wanted to go out with her and we had a very heated discussion in which she said she doesn't feel the same about me that she once did.

We talked about it the next day and come to find out she has felt this way for a while and was going out so much so she wouldn't have to deal with it. We have discussed me finding a place to stay for a few days to give her room and have separated our finances. She is the love of my life and is the one I want to live it out with her. She said that she is not ready for me to go anywhere yet and says that if she could turn those feelings back on with a switch she would.

She enjoys going out and drinking with friends and I enjoy staying at home spending a night together watching a good movie. Any suggestions on what I should do to light that fire in our relationship that got lost when we became parents 100% of the time rather than lovers, best friends and parents?

Updates

+1 y

She has also been very distant from me showing little to no affection. I'm a very affectionate person and show my feelings by touching and so on.

[Evilbegining]

Ok if I may suggest, you need to do some reading.

The five love languages has worked wonder for me and I think it's what you need, it's a book about how to show affection to your spouse and the fact that everyone shows affection DIFFERENTLY!

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, we cannot all show affection the same.

Quick example.

There are 5 basic types of love languages:

Gifts - Obvious, appreciate giving and receiving gifts.

Words of affirmation - These are the people who LOVE when you say "I love you" or "I appreciate you doing the dishes hunny"

Physical Touch - (you) a slight touch here and there, and pretty much anything physical, I know how you feel about it also, Im physical touch as my primary love language also.

Acts of service - Doing things for others, this person expresses love by doing acts for the ones they love and feels loved when others do things for them or help them do things.

Quality time - Obvious, the more time you're with this person the better!

What you need to do is find out WHAT is your spouses love language, since she obviously isn't physical touch you touching her and loving her in YOUR way isn't going to show her love. You need to figure out what shows HER you love her, not what means you lover her to you.

The best way to do this is to figure out what makes her happy. If nothing else ASK her to sit down with you and make a list of the things she wishes you would do for her and you dot he same for her, be constructive, not destructive. When she gives you that list reference what I'm talking about here, figure out of those things does it say "I wish you would tell me you loved me more" or does it say "I wish you would do the dishes and help with the kids!"

Then start DOING those things, and add onto them similar things, if she wants you to tell her you love her then also tell her you appreciate what she does WHEN she does it! If she cooks something amazing TELL HER how much you appreciate it ect.

once you find her primary and secondary love languages you will be able to find out how to make her truly love you and how to show you truly love her!

Good luck man!

[DeanW]

So you have been married 9 years and have a couple of kids and are 28. Guessing she's about the same age and you got married young, which means that you have two predictable challenges. One is the seven year itch and the other is evolving, changing personalities.

It's normal for people to reach a point where they take each other for granted and then get bored. Unless you're married to someone suffering from multiple personality disorder, after a while stagnation sneaks in, particularly with kids around.

And getting married when you're young makes the marriage hard to sustain because a) you change a lot and b) longer time-line before you're old and tired and don't care anymore and just have your hobbies. That's not to say you shouldn't have gotten married because I'm sure you did the right thing. It just is harder than if you'd met her 10 years later.

I'm wondering what things she does for personal development? Does she work, attend classes? If her way to cope with not feeling comfortable at home is to hang out with her friends, I have to suspect that her real problem is internal discomfort with herself. Seems like she wants to hide away from her feelings by being with people. I don't know if this is really about you, or if it's one of those "Where am I? What am I accomplishing?" kind of things. And maybe she feels like you don't fill that void (overlooking the number of emotional voids that you do fill - again normal = taken for granted).

[April]

I'm sure people here will disagree, but I think there is hope for your marriage. Nine years is a long time to be with someone plus you guys have children together. Personally I feel her actions are selfish. It's one thing to not want to be with someone anymore and it's another to go out and party and avoid dealing with the real issue. If she is willing to try and make things work I suggest individual counseling as well as couples counseling. If after counseling you guys decide to part ways for good- hopefully it will have opened up the lines of communication so the two of you can be amicable for the sake of your children.

If you guys are separated another suggestion is to start dating one another again. Get a babysitter or send the kids off to grandma's and go on a weekend get away. Having time together without the children will give the two of you time to focus on what the real issues are. I feel like she's avoiding something or maybe has past issues.

I don't know... It's a tough situation to be in and as I get older I find a lot of my friends are in similar situations. About half of them decide they're in it for the long haul, get help and do whatever to stay together and the other half just goes through nasty divorces. I sincerely wish you the best.

[1633Roxanne]

Man..I really feel for you. I understand what you are going through when you say your wife feels distant I bet its a feeling to where she may be hiding something. I believe that you can work on this it is possible however that she may be going out to meet new ppl or possibly a new love who knows but do not confront her about that. You should tell her how much you love her and that you will do whatever it takes to keep you guys together. You should also try to be more spontaneous because I know for a fact that helps. She may have lost interest in you for many reasons I suggest you rekindle the flame. Take her out in the town and get a tattoo with her or maybe just travel somewhere exotic, Ok look yo should also ask her if you would be waisting you time by trying to work things out with her. Let her know that you deserve to have someone there for you as well.

[April]

I thought of a book suggestion too. Boundaries. I think it would be a good book for both of you to read.

[joecollege]

I agree with Evilbeginning and April below. I am not married, but I have talked to married couples in a similar situation. One thing they did was they received gifts from their children's grandparents of concert or show tickets, So it forced them to put aside a night and go out and experience a nice romantic dinner and a show, they couldn't put it off. They loved it. So perhaps buying tickets to something really good and forcing yourselves to go out more and experience that exciting dating/lover phase again. Some couples have one night of the week that is a date night.

She sounds like she obviously wants to go out more, so perhaps if you planned some fun sexy surprises you know she would like. Maybe try new things, or something you guys have always wanted to do but never done before. This might be an opportunity to break out of your comfort zone and develop and evolve as a person.

[fredkober]

Well what did you used to do when you first started dating? how did you sweep her off her feet? just do what you used to do with her. try to be as sweet as possible to her. someday get her a dozen roses just for the hell of it to show her that you can be the person you used to be then ask her out on a date and you could either set up a table with flowers and candles lit and make her dinner while listening to music or you could take her out to dinner at the nicest place there is that both of you like to eat at then after that take a walk with her trough the park and find a bench and tell her how you feel or right a poem telling her how you feel. girls love that and think it is very sweet. I'm telling you this should work because it worked with me. good luck! try it!