When a guy calls you "dear" but his tone is off?

[Anonymous]

A guy I know always calls me "dear" now. It's a rather new thing that started over the summer. Not sure if he's saying it as a "pat on the head" term (which it sometimes sounds like) or as an old couple would (which it also sometimes sounds like). He uses it more and more often now and I just ignore it because in some respects he's sweet and other respects he's rude. I'm not sure if he's just messing with me.

[bowenw]

Like many other words, its meaning is different by the way it is used and the tone. If you think he is using it as a put down, he probably is and needs to be called out for doing it. There are probably other signs of him being rude besides how he uses that one word.

[Asker]

There were, and I did call him out on it that day. But he persistently calls me that even when he’s being sweet, so I honestly can’t tell with him.

[bowenw]

You may have to tell him to quit calling you that.

[Asker]

Debating not speaking to him at all tbh.

[bowenw]

That is not how it should be in a serious relationship.

[Asker]

We’re not in any sort of relationships we’re supposed to be testing out the waters and I can’t tell what the heck he’s doing.

[bowenw]

It sounds like he is failing the test.

[Asker]

Yeah. I walked out on him yesterday bc he was “dear” this and “dear” that all big grr while people were around but once they all left he shut down and retreated to his phone. Couldn’t look at me long enough to event toast to a successful activity. I got fed up and quietly put on my coat and left.

[Asker]

He’ll most likely start up a chat tomorrow and wish me a Happy Thanksgiving at the very end of the night, which is what he did last year. But 🤷🏻‍♀️.

[bowenw]

I don't blame you for leaving after being treated like that. He obviously doesn't appreciate you.

[Asker]

That’s what I say. But a moment later he was outside looking for me to say goodnight. It’s like he’s mentally distracted or something.

But people who know him have told me I’ve distracted him quite a bit from his usual routine. I don't know if that’s good or bad. I’m big on communication. I just wish he’d communicate.

[bowenw]

If he’s more interested in his phone than you, it could be a sign that he is talking to other women. Not communicating another red flag. If you haven’t already, I suggest making your expectations clear to him.

[Asker]

He's not. He has zero game. I've seen him talk to girls. Zero... zero game. I asked him to bring a +1 to something once (bc last year he claimed he was seeing someone). He brought his accountant and his very geeky brother.

[bowenw]

His behavior may just be his personality. Is there a chance he is on the spectrum?

[Asker]

Yeah a slim chance there's something in the family and he's just not saying anything. But he's also one of those guys... very... "smart" isn't the word. But you know? You feel there's 20 things going on in there and he's struggling to focus.

[bowenw]

I know the type you mean. He may not be the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with if he can't focus on you or make you a priority.

[Asker]

I'm not the type who has to ALWAYS be center stage, but when I talk to a guy I expect him to look at me. It's hard sometimes to have the eye contact with him, then other times he's laser focus, intense eye contact. I don't know what that is.

[bowenw]

I don't think expecting a guy to focus on you when you're talking to him and trying to have a conversation with him is too much to ask. The fact that he only gives it to you occasionally makes me wonder again if he has a mental condition. Alternately, is he using any drugs?

[Asker]

If he's using drugs it's probably for the mental condition (like ADHD meds).

[bowenw]

It could be affecting him or it's not working.

[Asker]

hmm.

[Alex-Snow]

Sounds like he is talking down to you.

[Asker]

First time he said it was very “yes dear” like we were dating or an old couple or something… and I know we’re not. Then it was very demeaning, at the end of a correction he made in front of people at an event I was hosting. Then again sweet more recently.

[Alex-Snow]

Maybe tell him that you are not his "Dear" and see how he responds.

[Asker]

The time i reprimanded him for calling me that I called him "dear" the same way he had (with a reprimand in my tone) and told him he never makes any sense to me... that he's just rude. So this time he changed his tone back to cordial, but still calls me that.

I'm not bothered bc I think ALL GUYS using that are demeaning women or something. I'm just saying it's odd in my opinion for a guy who isn't my boyfriend to call me that. I feel like he's hinting at something.