What's with the inconsistency with some men and communication?

[Simslover92]

I'm not saying this is all men because it's not. But my bestie is going through with her guy where he will call and text her some days and some days he won't.

My guy friend is like this as well. He was doing so good with calling and texting me everyday until recently and it's just frustrating.

Women love consistency. Why do some men do this?

I don't get it.

[HollyK21]

In a general sense, men usually aren’t big on texting, so it’s better to try shifting things from texting to in-person hangouts or even just phone calls if you’re trying to do the long distance thing. However in your situation, I’d say there’s an important distinction to make when it comes to your friend — she’s having these troubles with a guy she’s romantically seeing, vs you who’s experiencing this with what’s supposed to be just a friend. There’s a different set of expectations/priorities on the table for your friend, since she’s trying to build/maintain a romantic relationship. With friendships, you may not talk to even your best friend every day, or if you do it’s just a casual chat or check-in day to day. Regardless, there’s usually more acceptance if you aren’t talking to your friend all the time because you know they’ve got other priorities that aren’t being in constant communication with you. Friendships should be low maintenance.


In all honesty, the more I hear about your feelings with how you’re communicating with this guy, the more it sounds like some sort of situationship vs a platonic connection. Are you sure there isn’t more to this? Like maybe you’ve developed a crush or you were under the impression that there was more to this friendship than meets the eye? Because that’s kind of what it comes off as — he gave you lots of attention, effort and communication for one juncture of time, which is usually the case when you’re romantically pursuing someone. But now that it’s sort of shifting and lessening, it’s very troubling to you in a way that isn’t usually the case with platonic friends.

[Simslover92]

To be honest we recently saw each other for my birthday and we were intimate with each other. So its a bit complicated because he's not just a friend but my ex.

And I know before you say it, I should probably let him go or at the very least take a step back from him and I've tried to do that but he keeps calling me and texting me making it hard.

I don't like blocking people and I don't really want to block him because we've been friends far longer than we were ever together. So it's very complicated.

[HollyK21]

Taking all that into consideration, I think the time has passed for you two to sort of float along, and to begin acting with intention — you’re either in or out. I get that you two started out as friends, but given all that’s transpired, you can’t just make a 180 back to a fully platonic connection. Too much has happened and I think that whether you want to face this or not, you’ve developed feelings for him that you can’t just switch off (as lovely as that would be).

You can’t go back to what you started as because too much is on the table now and he recognizes that. I mean given the fact that you share all your deepest secrets and whatnot, he knows you better than you think. 10+ years, he knows who he’s dealing with and what constant communication or sharing his innermost secrets now means — connection, progression. So if those two things aren’t what he wants, then he’s going to take the steps to relay that to you, even indirectly. That means not texting back and forth all through the day every day any more, or confiding in you about deeply personal things. It sucks but this may be him keeping you at arms length.

That’s why the next steps should be either having a serious conversation about moving things forward, or avoiding that talk because you recognize more will not come of it, and giving yourself the space to get over it. Respectfully, saying that you don’t like blocking people or that he just makes it too hard to walk away are just the excuses you feed yourself so that you can hang on to someone who isn’t hanging on to you. Not in the same way at least.

[Simslover92]

You're so right and I will have that talk with him soon especially since there are somethings he does that shows he still wants something but at the end of the day if he isn't saying how he feels like wanting to commit fully to me again, then I need to walk away. I realize that. It's just easier said than done.

[HollyK21]

No judgment on my end, I totally understand that when it comes to these things, walking away is easier said than done. I just think it’s so important to act in our own best interest first and foremost, because men never hesitate to do the same. Notice how for a lot of guys, when it comes to certain things it’s either their way or the highway? Meanwhile for most women, we often start with certain boundaries and then end up adjusting them as to accommodate a guy who wouldn’t do the same for us.

I don’t know your exact situation with your friend, and I’m sure there’s a lot of history. However, good memories and/or feelings from the past should not trump bad behavior in current time. You’ve known this guy for nearly a decade, with who knows how many months/years of delving into the romantic aspects. At this point, there is no room for speculation— this man knows exactly how he feels about you and what he wants from you. If there’s genuine love and care, then commit to one another and work through your issues as a couple rather than two confused “friends”. But if that’s not what he wants then distance would absolutely be your salvation. Not because you don’t want him as a friend, but I’d imagine it’s be rather hurtful trying to shift into being a strictly platonic one. Like I’m not sure if you’re interested in advising him about other women or watching him date someone else, doing for them what he couldn’t/wouldn’t for you.

There’s a lot for you to consider.

[Simslover92]

You're right about that indeed. It is a lot to consider. It's funny you brought that up because we talked about him going on a blind date and I said how I would be uncomfortable with him going on one because of the crazies out there but in all actuality it was because I just couldn't see him going on a date with someone else period. So you are right. If there is no push to be in a relationship again on his end then I need to probably shut the door and move on for good.

[HollyK21]

Yeah, I think that’s your best bet. It doesn’t have to be forever, but I do think that’s your best if he doesn’t want to be together then having some distance from him will give you the opportunity to really heal and get over him. It’s hard to do that when you’ve still got one foot in the door. Anyway, I do hope that this works in your favor. If not then it’s his loss💛

[Simslover92]

Right. Thank you! 💜

[HawkPerception]

I'll say it again @HollyK21 I don't see your opinions often, but when I do, I'm extremely impressed. You're definitely one of the most intelligent ones on the platform.

[HollyK21]

I appreciate that Hawk! Really!☺️🙏

[Nikki1989]

The inconsistency you’re seeing isn’t random — it usually comes from a mix of habits, emotional skills, and comfort levels rather than a lack of interest or care. To put it another way, they don't know any better.

[MisterWack]

I don’t get it.
Somedays people are busy and other days they have plans with others, somedays they want to relax a bit or aren’t feeling up to it.

Like I’m not consistently on here answering questions, somedays I am and others I put energy into other things. Not even my friends who are girls are this consistent either.

Not hating on anyone or throwing shade, all I’m saying is people are complex so, expect complex.

I call my grandmother on and off, she doesn’t have an issue as long as I try contacting her since our time schedules don’t match up also personal problems however she understands and is compassionate to that, same with me. It was annoying at first then it became “normal”.
And that is not to mention, I contact other people than my relatives so one day I’ll be this and another I’ll be that.

I like consistency however I also acknowledge not everyone can be on the same schedule or something in personal life or putting energy into something else where it needs the attention.

[HawkPerception]

I personally never got it either. It's like they don't want to talk with their partner or something. My friend is like that too and I never got him, because I'm extremely communicative and LIKE to talk to my partner every day, pretty damn often. I strongly believe in consistent communication and OPEN AND HONEST communication. Not wanting to talk to your partner is an indication of a relationship that will likely fail.

[sage2021]

Sims, as an objective observer here reading this my thoughts are telling me that you are acting like he's still your boyfriend when we both clearly know that he has a girlfriend.

I think he's trying to pull back by having some time go by before the two of you contact each other. I think it's getting old and mondane for him. He's tired of the feeling that he HAS to keep getting in touch with you because after all, you aren't his girlfriend anymore, but just a friend.

He might feel like he's emotionally cheating on his present girlfriend by still communicating with you.

In fact, you are actually like a pissed off girlfriend to be honest.

He's told you that he's got things going on which are taking his time. I'm sure he thought that since he told you that, you knew to be more understanding of his spare time won't be much. But I don't think that you heard that because you're not acting like you remember he told you that.

Actually, he's still juggling two women and maybe 🤔 it's getting to him. It's been a long time since you two were boyfriend and girlfriend and he's moved on but you haven't.

[Simslover92]

He doesn't have a girlfriend right now. But other than that I understand what you are saying.

[sage2021]

I read all of your questions and I don't remember you saying that he and his girlfriend broke up.
Are you hoping that you two are going to get back together again?

[Simslover92]

We talked last night and it's pretty much dead. It's time for me to move on. For real this time.

[sage2021]

Are you still going to be friends with him?

[Simslover92]

I'm not sure.

[OneViewpoint]

Do all of your female friends call and text every day? None of my male or female friends do that. Frankly, I'd get pissed if they were. We'd have a conversation about it, LOL. What you're expecting is boyfriend behavior yet you call this dude your "guy friend". He's not doing anything wrong, it's your problem. He's got a life beyond friends. Maybe he's got another woman and that's evolving into something more than friends. He has his job. He has hobbies. Maybe he just wants alone time periodically.

[Simslover92]

I would agree with you if up until now he wasn't treating me like a girlfriend with calling me every single day and texting me everyday.

[Kaneki05]

The reason it's because we are doing things and our mental state to tired. Even I as a clingy guy don't want to be interreacting everyday unless she's living with me.
Naturally to start you may do so because it's a new thing but realistically it's not what a guy wants. And women should feel that way too as it's normal.
I feel like some only don't because they aren't good at using their own time for themselves.

To use myself as an example compared to an ex, I play video games, write and other things therefore I have time I want to be doing that. Meanwhile my ex would basically have no hobby so... can you see who had a problem when I wasn't interacting with her?
That problem wasn't caused be me being bad with communication, it was born from her boredom and inability to deal with it.

[Simslover92]

You have a point there. I could probably use a hobby or two and I will now. But he better not be sad when I flip the script and stop responding to him like that. I'm done.

[Kaneki05]

You're are right to be so if he's a hypocrite about it though he shouldn't as we understand.
But... don't do it out of spite it has to be natural otherwise we'll figure out that intention and lead to arguments.
Another important part and I make this a habit for myself I don't like to text someone if I can't give them full attention. My bestfriend on here, I will message her back when I know I can and try not to otherwise.
Which may seem bad if I am not responding but my intention is never to ghost. And when you realize that for yourself that he's not ghosting you just taking some time but will reply when he can give his time that's consistency in it's own right.

I think messaging when you have that attention time is really important to focus on, not whether they message a few broken joints throughout the day or days.

[Simslover92]

Right you're right. I'll try not to do it out of spite. I'm just a bit upset right now but I'm going to try to just relax and think it through because he's probably going through a lot as he has said to me or at least I hope that's the case and not a lie.

[Kaneki05]

Trust is important, people can get in their heads about is the other acting in bad faith towards me but to focus on the answer being no is better.
Thinking they're doing it as such leads to stress, overthinking and unrealistic expectations. So unless he's given you reasons not to trust his word when he say's he was doing something I don't think assuming he's lying is helpful.
If he's given you good reason not to trust him then I don't know that's up to you with how much trust has been broken and will you let that to keep overthinking or get past it or no longer deal with him.

[Simslover92]

Indeed it is. I don't think he's lying but I'll find out tonight. He said he will try to call me late tonight. So I'll find out the truth hopefully.

[Kaneki05]

Ah that's something we don't like deadline stuff as in call me tonight. Psychologically it creates the act to be a punishment or seen as a chore in that sense, it's not positive reinforcement.
Making the act a need to do rather than a want to do.
It can be a normal thing to but it creates a perception whether knowingly or unknowingly in us. It's a bit late now but I would stay away from that.
Calling each other needs to be a natural thing. And it maybe totally reasonable to ask for the call or that but it does do this, even if themselves suggested it because it's still linking it to 'Oh now I've got to do it' brain part of us.

[Simslover92]

Well he said he would. I didn't ask him to call me. I'm not forcing him to make calls or even texting me. He's doing it on his own accord. And he has been calling and texting me all along on his own accord. I rarely call or text him first. That's what making this so troubling for me I guess. When I do it, it just seems like I'm being clingy or something but when he does it, it's fine.

[Kaneki05]

Hmm not sure about that one then because a guy should enjoy if you do it rarely, maybe he's pushing himself too much so then when do it becomes too much? Really not sure on anything else if that's the case.

[Anonymous]

I think a majority of men are like that. I know I’m the same. But it’s not something I do on purpose. I have a million other things going on in life besides her to just think that that’s everything. I guess too men tend to be that way cause unlike a majority of women we don’t need the attention 24/7. So to us unconsciously she’s ok because I don’t need the emotional support or reassurance of feelings. It’s the same w when women think, why do men act that way or think that way. Women will say I’d never act that way, but that’s cause you’re women, not men. We think different. If I’m being honest a lot of men find their girl can be annoying when she’s constantly texting or calling. A lot of women say why can’t he just send a simple text, how hard is that? Because a simple text turns into more text from her.

[Simslover92]

Thanks that makes a lot of sense.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re better off meeting him in person. Maybe over food. But even then men tend to not talk when it comes to eating. Because to us as men the the whole purpose of getting food is to eat. Women tend to use it for social time. Ever notice men down their food in 10 minutes while she’s still talking, putting ketchup out for her fries or something else. I know my girl does that.

[Simslover92]

Yeah it's amazing how fast you guys eat. I'll take one bite and you guys will wolf down the whole meal after only taking another bite lol. And we have met in person many times and talked many times but the issue is we aren't close. We are long distance.

[Opinion Owner]

I see. Why not find someone who is closer?

[Simslover92]

Because I've tried to find someone better than him but no one ever comes close

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sure there’s a lot of men better than him. One thing that would be better would be a man who’s closer that’s for sure. How old is he? I don’t think to highly of long distance relationship.

[Simslover92]

35. And the distance isn't that bad. It's only 2 hours.

[Simslover92]

The issue right now is his car is down.

[Simslover92]

He said he would see me more often if it wasn't for his car

[Opinion Owner]

I see. Ok. I thought he was in another country or something? How far exactly is he from you?

[Simslover92]

Just a city away...2 hours.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly I think he would find a way to see you if he liked you that much. I know when I was stationed overseas I’d wake up every morning at 1 am just to talk to a girl back in the states. How long have you been w him? You sure he’s not seeing someone else?

[Simslover92]

He's my ex actually. We used to be together. Still have sex from time to time. He's not seeing anyone right now. We're just friends but I'm hoping for more than that.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok why is he your ex? What happened? I doubt there’s going to be more than that. He’s getting sex on the side. I’m pretty sure he’s talking to other women. He’s a man. We as men are always trying to get laid.

[Simslover92]

It's my fault really. I was extremely depressed at the time and when he asked for a bit of time and space, I couldn't give it to him so he broke up with me for that. But I've changed since then and he's seen the change in me. So I'm hoping for reconciliation.

[Opinion Owner]

Is he actually a really good person? Maybe I’m wrong but reading this makes me think you’re co-dependent on him or something. Like you have a lot of issues. And maybe I’m wrong but I don’t foresee him taking you back. I think he’s just getting what he can right now. If you like him that much how come you don’t go to his place?

[Simslover92]

I used to but his roommates don't like me I think. So we I do go down there I just get a room. And yes he's a really good person. I was codependent on him but I'm not anymore. I just want to give it another shot because I messed up and wasn't in the best place mentally like I am now.

[Opinion Owner]

I see. If I’m being honest myself if I went through a situation w a girl like that, I would t take her back. As a matter of fact I was with women when I was younger who were off their hinges who I had dated. But they flipped out. Never went back to them other than for sex. Maybe he’s not like that. But I will say most men can tell you exactly what men are thinking in different situations just like you could probably tell me what a girl was thinking if I described the scenario. Men tend to put some. In two different categories, those we sleep with n those we’d commit to. So you have tattoos?

[Simslover92]

None at all.

[Opinion Owner]

How come his roommates didn’t like you?

[Simslover92]

I'm not sure. Maybe they thought I was too much since I was so codependent back then on him.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m thinking you just move on. You’re just hurting yourself more. How long are you willing to wait around to find out if he will take you back? If he says no then what?

[Simslover92]

Then I guess I have no choice but to move on but I think I'm getting close to him taking me back

[Opinion Owner]

Why do you say that?

[Simslover92]

He flirted with me which is something he hasn't done in a long time the other day and seems to let me in more than what he used to. It just seems like he wants to but something is holding him back. And I don't know what that is.

[Opinion Owner]

Flirted how? What’s holding him back more than likely is your past behavior. His friends are probably telling him not to take you back if they know about it. Or he’s afraid of what they will think. Would you say you’re really pretty?

[Simslover92]

I said you're fine in a text message and he said you're the fine one. And you're probably right about that. He probably is somewhat afraid of what they might think. And I'm ok. I think I'm average looking. Very short and small.

[Opinion Owner]

What’s your past relationships been like? So I wonder, if you say you’re ok now it may not work out because maybe he’s attracted at Ed to women like that but he doesn’t realize it. Plus too if he’s that good of a man there’s a lot of other women who are going to want him as well who are younger, prettier, have more to offer.

[Simslover92]

He was my first relationship and I was his first relationship. It's a long story but we were virgins when we met in college. He would have actually been my first if I hadn't gone after the bad boy in college. I didn't date after that because I got sexually assaulted and it took years to get over it. Fast forward 11 years and we decided to get together. He had only been with 4 girls after college I think. I had only been with that bad boy. He could definitely score a more prettier younger girl but he may not because honestly he's rather on the short side. 5'6. But that doesn't take away from his looks. He's still good looking but a lot of girls don't want short guys.

[Opinion Owner]

Does he know about you being sexually assaulted?

[Simslover92]

Yes he does

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. Well doesn’t sound like he was deterred by that. Ho king were you two together?

[Simslover92]

A year and 3 months

[msc545]

The expectation that we'll call or text you every day is completely unreasonable. The vast majority of us actually have work to do, and work is often tiring and debilitating. So when we aren't working, we like to rest or maybe do a little recreation. We're not always thinking about you, and we're not always interested in texting you. We probably talk to you more often than is reasonable anyway, and we don't want to have to be tied down to the notion that you're going to take offense if we don't do it on a daily basis, and sometimes some women expect it on an hourly basis. I think you should manage your expectations accordingly.

[TwoDecisions]

He's your friend why should he be required to call/text you every single day? When it comes to your bestie, then not all people are texters/callers, perhaps that is the case with her partner. And other than that some days are just busier than others. If there's zero contact for days at end often, then I'd start to ponder.

As you say this is not all men, or excluded just to men, and why these two indivual do what they do is hard for strangers to answer. I'd suggest you two, if it's such an issue, ask them why.

[privateperson]

Sometimes they don’t know how to communicate effectively. They aren’t always raised by parents that tell them it’s important to be strong communicators in the way women are. Some boys are raised by toxic parents that make them feel they are not masculine for being vulnerable or wanting to connect with someone else. And so they become adults that don’t do it because it feels unsafe.

[TonyMetal___86]

I really don't know because if i was in a relationship i'd call or text my girl everyday because she will be in my mind all the time but let me tell you something, if i feel that she doesn't care about me the way i care about her or feel that she doesn't want to text or call everyday than i'll change my consistency immediatly!

[bowenw]

They are probably not into you the way you hope.

[Simslover92]

But beyond that we're good friends that always was consistent before and all of a sudden they change up. It's frustrating.

[Simslover92]

We've been friends for over 13 years.

[bowenw]

That does sound frustrating. Could he have a new woman in his life?

[Simslover92]

Probably the same married woman he was dealing with before. But why lie about it? We're just friends now. I can take it.

[bowenw]

Is he making up stories about why he's not replying quicker?

[Simslover92]

He lied to me sort of. He said that he was having trouble with his uncle because of land taxes and I said was that all and he said yes. But then later says he is having family issues going on but then that means that's not the only thing that was going on and he won't tell me what exactly is the family issues going on making me believe that perhaps it may be her because he sees her and her family as family and I feel like that's why he's not really disclosing more about it because usually he does disclose things about his family problems. But I could be wrong.

[bowenw]

Gut feelings are often right.

[Simslover92]

Yeah they usually are unfortunately.

[melssvdv]

Pretty much men are more consistent than us in terms of communication. We women go easily astray.

[ProbablyClueless]

A lot of the time, life gets busy or we just don't have anything we to say. Those phones work both ways. If you want to chat, you're able contact him.

[dudeinohio]

I always text someone I'm in a relationship with several times a day.

I never communicate with exes, except my ex wife, who I have kids with.

[fivebyfour]

Some men will only call/text if they are horny,,,

[AngryCarl2]

It's a mismatch of needs. Women need a lot of communication. Men typically don't.

[spartan55]

Why do you need to talk to a friend every day?

[Simslover92]

He started that not me. Ask him.

[spartan55]

So... you are required to participate?

[Simslover92]

No but if we're good friends then it's just being courteous.

[spartan55]

It's not about courtesy, but whatever.

[CherryLove007]

Is he in your same age range?

[Simslover92]

Yes he's 35.

[CherryLove007]

So he is distant and uncommunicative all of a sudden or was it gradual?

[Simslover92]

No just all of a sudden

[CherryLove007]

Sound's a whole lot like an avoidant topic maybe he does not want to discuss at this time so he thinks it would be best to halt any consistent talking.

[Simslover92]

Perhaps but it's not like him.

[CherryLove007]

So it's a very confusing situationship. Best to be quiet and if it was me I would text him only once say... this is strange and can we discuss the pink elephant in the room?

[Simslover92]

Yeah he's supposed to call me tonight so hopefully we can talk about it then

[CherryLove007]

oh good, and good luck, speak up for yourself too. :)

[Simslover92]

Thanks. I will. 😊

[Kingofkings1992]

You sound a little needy to be frank with you. This has nothing to do with gender, it has to do with personality. Why do you need a male friend to text you literally every single day? Good grief

[slatyb]

He's not that into her.

[beenherebefore]

Lack of interest.

[Jerre]

I text my friends with benefits every day