My husband is “mentoring” some girl who got laid off and it feels weird?

[Anonymous]

Some woman at my husbands company was recently laid off with loads of other people. She asked him to mentor her when she joined and was new in town. Now she’s out a job and they’re chatting on text and personal email. He is going out of his way to help her find a new job using personal contacts at the top tech firms. He is an executive and is trying to get her interviews. She was crying and stuff and he was comforting her. WTF? And he meets up with her for lunch and pays. I feel uncomfortable. I told him and he got super angry and defensive. Said I’m an asshole, that the poor girl lost her job and I need to back off. a lot of people lost their job that day. Why does he care so much about her? She also happens to be very beautiful, not married and no kids, living alone and only knows a few people here as she moved here for this job. Am I the jerk or rightly think it’s weird? He’s super protective of her and going out of his way to try and get her a new position, emailing executives to land her interviews. Wtf

[bobalife]

He’s crossing professional boundaries and has the audacity to name call you “asshole” raised so many red flags… I would suggest having a honest conversation with him and have boundaries because you both are married. He’s not really respecting you just because of a new person at work became unemployed is even more weird…


Ngl I had attention from higher authoritative men at my current new workplace, and it’s bizarre to me when they’re supposed to be married… it kind of shows how easy it is for someone to be distracted by a new face and energy… but I don’t think it’s okay either way if you’re supposed to be married/taken. Luckily I don’t feed into their ego or anything. I don’t give them any chances. I keep it cordial, be myself yet professional, and keep my distance. But she just continues communicating with him…

[Asker]

She didn’t seem to know his marital status or anything. From what I can tell she only talks to him about her career etc and he bends over to give advice and help her. And then he offers to meet up and do things for her. It’s just when she started crying and called him I felt it was quite intimate.

[bobalife]

Why don’t you ask him if she knows he’s married? He’s your husband, it’s okay to be open and direct to better understand what’s really going on. Well I understand she’s in a vulnerable place of losing a job and he’s like a professional connection for new opportunities.. but the constant text, personal emails, & taking her to lunch/paying for it is beyond necessary… why did you feel like it was intimate with that type of call? Was it about the way he’s responding to her? Some girls really do go out of their way to show how much they’re going through to get help rather it’s for opportunities or romantic… I’ve seen it.. and heard of it directly from women… I get why people do it for jobs, but it’s still a bit much esp bc he’s married though.

[Asker]

Because he was saying it’ll be okay and he will help her because he knows people and said “let’s have lunch how’s that sound?” And took her to a very nice restaurant. And he’s connecting her to very senior executives at top companies apparently. Felt like it’s his girlfriend or something the way he said it’ll be okay.

[Asker]

He also was messaging her on Christmas last year before this happened asking if she wanted to meet up

[bobalife]

Random fact… dejavu, but low key I feel like I’m in your husband position right now… except I’m not their boss. It’s more of a friend’s friend who is married, trying to get out of their unhealthy marriage, helpless and etc. I even had calls and personal email contact. I was trying to help him out bc I was asked by my friend. Ngl for a moment, their vulnerability and talking on the phone did made me curious and had certain thoughts of possibilities. But I haven’t spoken to him over a weekish bc I’ve been so busy and exhausted though. And I also feel like I rather not get involve in that type of way is just messy and objectively I’m just here to help. I’m trying to say those thoughts can possibly come up when someone is in the role of getting too much in contact and trying to help while hearing their stories, vulnerability, and stuff. Like it’s crossing the bridge potentially I mean…

[bobalife]

Why don’t you ask him directly if it’s more than just work? I’m sure we both know it’s yellow to red flags. Maybe come from a place of curiosity and calm because it is your marriage and figure out what’s going on… what can you both do in your marriage… and what is okay vs not okay…

[bobalife]

I feel like as a woman if you’re feeling “weird” or off about something, you need to address it right away. And if he’s being rude, called him out on it. For me, I’m super honest and direct in relationships.. but it’s important to hold your standards and he honest. But I think it’s also still important to come from a place of being curious and hear his whole perspective on it even if it’s something we won’t be happy to hear bc it’s your marriage… it’s good to be aware of what’s really happening, make compromises, and are you guys able to move forward from this…

[Asker]

Yes I agree. I did ask him in my own way. He called me an asshole lol. I don’t think anything has happened yet maybe but maybe he wants it to or doesn’t realize it yet

[bobalife]

Right, and that’s not okay he called you names. I don’t think it’s a conversation that’s fully addressed and needs to be talk about is what I mean… is this the first time he name called you? I feel like if so and over this topic of another woman is not good signs.. and you need to address that as well because you’re his wife and you are the priority. She is just an employee. I think forget her as she’s the third party. Like you just need to focus on him and you bc that’s your marriage, yknow what I mean? Redirect it back to your marriage and what’s really going on…

[Asker]

Yes he’s never acted like this before he’s normally very mild tempered. He is very defensive over this woman if I ask anything and said “leave her alone” like making me out to be a bad guy hurting the poor girl that lost her job. I’m telling you it’s like he’s her boyfriend. It’s so weird.

[bobalife]

Damn… I am so upset for you reading this 😭😭😭😭😭 girl, you need to like stand on your ground and tell him how he’s treating you isn’t okay at all. Like called him out on those odd, mean behaviors, & dialogues. Tell him how it makes you feel and remind him that you are his partner; not her. If she’s just an innocent unemployed, why is he reacting that way. Tell him how would he feel if you’re going out your way for another guy and see if he can empathize a little. But I think how you approach this is very critical on the outcome and if he can be honest with you. You can even tell him that it’s making you feel like you don’t even know him anymore by how he’s treating you. Like it’s the truth that he needs to hear. And remind him what can you guys work on in your marriage bc it’s truly about you and your husband. She’s just an outsider.

[bobalife]

Tbh I never had an ex who called me any names… but if they did… I would be so heart broken… I probably would leave but that’s just me 😭 it’s just so disrespectful & hurtful…

[bobalife]

I gtg sleep but I hope your marriage is save or say bye to him if he’s gonna continue to disrespect you. Like that’s not a husband at all. Yalls are grown adult in my age group I’m assuming? He knows better and it’s not okay! I’m so upset for you 😭😭😭 I don't know if he’s emotionally cheating, but how he talks to you is not okay.

[Nikki1989]

Calling you an asshole should have been enough for you to pull the pin, let alone the fact that this is borderline cheating.

[Alex_Bright]

I have a relatively high position at work, meaning lots of people come to me with CVs, rotations due to projects ending etc as they know I do a lot of interviews and hiring. Also fired my share of people which is always hard.
This being said, I have never seen anyone go out of their way like this to get them a new job. Usually people will forward the profile and that's it, maybe give you a call.
Insulting your wife to defend a colleague is not done. See how it sounds when we make it abstract?
How long are you together?

[Tarifa]

He's venturing into dangerous territory. It may be that his intentions are sound. They probably are. I don't want you to get worried, but feelings may start to develop over time. Helping someone out is fine, we've all done that. Interviews, writing a recommendation letter. Taking her out for lunch is already stretching it way too far.

What bugs me is how defensive he gets.

[Asker]

Yea and he responded to her on weekends and evenings while she still worked there. And he would suggest meeting up face to face when she didn’t ask for it. Like my understanding of how they met was she reached out to admire him and asked for advice on email and he escalated by suggesting face to face and ever since then they chat. Now she’s lost her job he’s like her hero or something.

[Asker]

Also he’s the one suggesting their little meetups. Like he wants to see her it seems. I read her message and she asked for a call for advice and he said they should meet.

[Tarifa]

Is she younger than him? Part of it may be he enjoys the attention from a younger woman. I know, cause I've been there myself. And it's easy to get carried away. And she looks up at him, that's pretty obvious.

[Asker]

Yes she’s younger. He’s in his mid 40s. I feel like there is some weird chemistry. He’s protective of her and she looks at him like some hero that knows everything. But she’s also Ivy League educated so it’s an ego stroke for him as it’s not like she’s an idiot if that makes sense

[Natasha1995]

You have already set your boundaries. And you should. I think that if he gets defensive about it, deep down he knows he's not acting right. That may not be enough to fully realize how wrong he is. You are his priority.

Chemistry can only go so far before it turns into something else. That's why I said he is venturing into dangerous territory. It needs to stop before it affects your relationship.

[Natasha1995]

I meant what the other person said in reply to your question. I agree completely.

[Asker]

He basically told me he’s gonna keep talking to her lol and that I’m an asshole and that’s that.

[exitseven]

I can see why you are upset. He can recommend her and get her interviews but he is going overboard.

[Asker]

Exactly. He comforts her and talks to her and suggests seeing her.

[AngryCarl3]

"Mentoring". Is that what they call it now? lol

[NathanDavis]

which are the reasons for which you cannot trust your own husband? has he cheated before?

[Asker]

No but we haven’t been intimate for a long time and have grown apart. And he seems to light up when that girl messages him. He just seems too eager to help her.

[NathanDavis]

so, the problems were already there before the girl?

[Asker]

Thats marital problem. The girl is separate. Because we have something’s to discuss doesn’t mean he should be spending time with some pretty girl that fawns over him at work. Now he will be her little hero when he helps her and then she will fall in love or something it seems.

[NathanDavis]

so... you just don't trust him

why is that?

[Asker]

My husband called me an asshole and came to the defense of some other woman. That’s pretty weird lol and he’s spending time and money on her and consoling her as she cries. And he’s using his professional connections which he may need for himself, on this woman who he’s only known for less than a year. I don’t think it’s normal. Sorry if you don’t get it.

[NathanDavis]

yes, I get all that...

but the question still remains

you seen adamant and determined to convince yourself they are going to cheat... so why this lack of trust?

[Asker]

Because I am pretty sure they’re attracted to each other and the way he’s protective of her seems indicative of romantic interest or something to me like that she’s his. It feels like he cares for her. And that seems intimate. I also think she makes him feel good with the admiration and him being her hero and with her being so attractive I think yes that can happen

[NathanDavis]

and if you're the wife... why doesn't he have any of that with you?

[Agape93]

Sounds like he's trying to help and you're being insecure because it's a woman he's doing this for.

[Asker]

No need to meet up and comfort her. He was talking to her before this as well and even messaged her on Christmas last year to suggest meeting in person after the holiday. He always wants to talk to her

[Agape93]

Sounds like he's being a good friend. Do you trust your husband

[Asker]

At the moment no. Hence the post. He’s defensive over another woman

[Agape93]

1. Probably because his own wife can't trust him, over what looks to me like a mentorship turned friendship.

2. If you don't trust him, leave him, or be ready for him tonkeavr you. Loss of trust is the death of a relationship unless you get your shit in order.

[Agape93]

To leave*

[WhitneySnow]

That is troubling

[Asker]

Right? And he’s so defensive about it.