How big of a jerk is this guy?

[Anonymous]

I remember we were supposed to meet (non dating) just as a friend and he cancelled on me last minute. I called him out on his insensitivity.

Recently I noticed he’d back in the city and didn’t really reach out saying let’s meet

I don’t really care. But it made me realize he’s arrogant a closet arrogant person someone who pretends they’re nice but is actually just as bad as someone who is overtly snooty.

One of the reasons he’s not saying to meet is because he doesn’t think I’m on the same level as him and it’s not an insecurity talking it’s the truth he’s a JERK.

Even when he cancelled on me there was like this kind of entitlement like oh whoops I gotta cancel.

[lightbulb27]

I was once a jerk in my way, people can be jerks and they have their reasons. it's not a reflection of you but of them. Maintining your high power and strength is the way to respond with a clear statement that he is wrong.

Jerks can grow up and learn but sadly, it's time and a process of discovery... a peeling of the onion of whom they are.

I'm sorry for your suffering. Hold your strength and power, don't let evil turn you into itself.

[HollyK21]

If you didn’t really care then you wouldn’t have made this post, because it really only drags the situation out and gives you more opportunity to vent/talk about this guy. If you really didn’t care you’d just wash your hands of this “friend”. Yeah, it’s jerky to flake on someone, along with blatantly telling them that they aren’t on your level. But if it doesn’t apply, let it fly, he doesn’t have to think you’re on his level and you don’t need him to think that about you either.

[Asker]

I’m venting he never explicitly told me that. And I posted because it’s built up I finally see him for who he is

[HollyK21]

Ohhh okay, I thought he’d actually said it. Are you sure you’re not just in your head about this? I’m guessing there must be other occurrences for you to have this overall view of his personality. But when I look at the context provided I just don’t see it. Cancelling plans last minute isn’t always insensitive (given the reason), because things come up and stuff happens out of our control. If he has done this more than once then yes, that’s jerky. But one time, I just don’t think that’s insensitive if he had a reason. Then in regard to him being in town, realistically you don’t know what he plans were for his visit or if he had time to hang out with you. I don’t think it’s very reasonable or fair for you to both have that expectation or to be disappointed if there was no plan to hang out in place.

[Asker]

Like basically we connected online and I had once asked to meet. He was a bit curt almost like I had asked something wrong. I felt hurt and didn’t respond. The next day he said about meeting I was like maybe he’s not bad he circled back

When I showed excitement and was looking into a place he said that’s far but I’m down so then I was trying to find something closer while I was doing so he randomly messaged me saying he couldn’t make it something came up. No real guilt or embarrassment.

I was annoyed because he wasn’t even feeling bad. I called him out on his insensitivity. later when we’d talk online it started out him being normal nice and then I saw this pattern of it was mainly me talking about myself he never really asked about ne etc.

I mean I knew that he doesn’t seem to want to be friends. But like I finally see him for who he is in terms of he’s like the type of guy who judges people but doesn’t want to appear bad so he’s not rude but really like I said he’s just as bad as judgey people who overtly show what they’re like

[HollyK21]

I think knowing what the expectation between you two was is important, because a lot of what went on sounds like you two just being on completely different pages. You claim to have been pursuing simple friendship, but seem to have the behaviors of someone who’s at least somewhat romantically interested in the person. I mean, if he is at least conventionally attractive, single and you share common interests, then what’s stopping you from wanting something with him? Keep it real, you liked the guy. I think maybe you at least wanted to pursue the idea of something more, otherwise I genuinely do not think you’d have invested how you did. He just wasn’t living up to that potential, and as a result you gradually felt more and more slighted.

[Asker]

No I don’t think I liked him esp not at that point. I was intimidated by him/his career a bit and has innocently tried looking for nice places thinking maybe his type went to fancy places.

Thats why his cancelling on me bothered me too it’s like he took my innocent intimidation as interest.

Over time there may have been a slight crush that developer but I know he’s a guy I don’t even know what his voice sounds like there’s only so much you can like someone you don’t really know.

I just think he’s a fake nice guy. Those types bother me the most

[HollyK21]

Okay so since you’re anonymous, we can just be transparent, right? If so, I’m curious how you two met? Was it a platform designed for friendship or something? Because I’m just curious what the expectation could’ve possibly been, on both ends. I know men do not usually prioritize and maintain fully platonic, opposite sex connections with women who are at least moderately attractive, straight and single. They pursue that connection because they eventually want something to come of their efforts.

[Asker]

It was on a group that was about making friends online group

[HollyK21]

Gotcha. In that case, maybe this is him showing you exactly why he’s looking for friends online in the first place, because he hasn’t been able to maintain the ones he has in person. This isn’t to say he’s a “bad” guy in general, just not a good friend. But it’s hard to know what his true nature is, because you never met in person, never talked on the phone, and your overall perception of him has been developed through texts. And I know that sometimes things that are being texted just doesn’t come across in the way that may the person who sent the message intended for it to. In any case, I feel like this is a situation that you should just ultimately wash your hands of and move on. By the end of this, it sounds like you had developed romantic interest which I think contributes to why you’re feeling how you do now. In any case though, it’s over and done.

[Abbycado]

How is he insensitive for canceling? You seem like the insensitive one.

[Asker]

Because he cancelled last minute?

[Anonymous]

For someone who really doesn’t care you’re sure crying a lot about it. If anything I think in you’re the one w problems. You supposedly know this about him and how he supposedly thinks as far as what level you’re on but you still talk to him? Says more about you than it does him. Get help. Probably single too.

[Anonymous]

Wdym it’s not an insecurity talking it’s the truth?

[spartan55]

I would love to hear his version of this.

[Alex-Snow]

You can do far better then hanging with this guy

[Iron_Man]

he doesn’t think about you as a girlfriend