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Male coworker and I developed feelings. I later learned he had a girlfriend so I distanced myself. He seemed hurt and tried to reconnect. Even created a new project and got manager approval before he messaged me but I was cold and he stopped. Eventually, I messaged him about work to normalize things, after which he began initiating work chats almost daily for about a month. We became close and indirectly confessed feelings while remaining professional. I assumed he was single now because he was pursuing me strongly.
One day, it was announced he’ll be moving to another team. Before his move, he indirectly told me he saw us as a couple and asked if I felt reassured or still uncertain. I said things made sense. We exchanged numbers. He was leaving for vacation and created reason to work together later.
When he returned, he made sure I knew by replying on my work ticket. I messaged him on company chat asking how he was doing but he didn't reply (He had avoided similar personal question in the past). But, he became unusually active in my team chat. He posted things related to my interests, attended my team meeting and created/shared document on my favorite topic. I didn’t respond/react.
After few days, I texted on his phone “hey (his name)”. He didn't reply. I found his private social media and his sibling's public profile. During his vacation, his sibling visited him. There is a photo of him with his sibling and girlfriend. Although girlfriend is tagged, he didn't allow himself to be tagged and didn't like that photo, while liking other posts where he is there with only his sibling.
Its been 1.5 months and I don't intend to contact him. But his activity in my team chat has increased including non-work posts, like posting video of his view from the office, that seem out of character for him. He hints at me repeatedly. I've also noticed signs suggesting he checks my WhatsApp last seen and company login/logout times.
Please help me understand what his intention is.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
after previously learning he was taken, I’m not sure why you would just assume he was single again rather than confirming it, especially with something like that where you’re interested and hope to pursue something. Doesn’t matter what things “seem” like, get the confirmation. In any case, you’re seeing what kind of man he’d be if you were ever to deal with him. You see what he does behind his girlfriend’s back, and you wouldn’t be exempt from any of it. I’d take it as a dodged bullet and move on.
Thank you for sharing your opinion on this. The post allows only 2000 characters so I couldn’t write in much detail. Actually, when he returned from vacation and I texted him, my intention was to ask him if he’s still seeing his girlfriend but when he didn’t reply and I saw his photo with his girlfriend and his sibling, I immediately stepped back and this time it’s permanent. I’ll admit I’m still emotionally attached to him but I’m working on detaching and while I’m detaching, I should be fully fine in a few days.
I thought since we don’t work together anymore, I’ll focus on my work and he’ll focus on his new team but he’s been clearly hinting at me loudly in my team chat where I’m forced to read his posts. You’re right that he’s shown he can’t be a faithful partner. Actually, I couldn’t ask him about his girlfriend earlier because we talked on company chat which is monitored and recorded but as soon as I got his personal number, that was my first thing to ask him but he didn’t reply to my hello.
I guess I’ve to close this chapter by assuming whatever his intention is, it is not good. And yeah, of course I made sure I didn’t overstep my boundaries and respected his girlfriend though I haven’t met her. I’ll be on my way. Thank you again!
I think the fairest thing to take away from this is that his intentions were dishonest. Although you tried respecting his girlfriend and boundaries, he did not, and I find that to be a big red flag. If you’re correct and he is hinting at you, then in my opinion it’s more about his entitled ego. Since you’ve gone silent, he could be using this company chat to force you to look at him without having to face the private accountability of ignoring your text. This man is taken, so he’s limited to what he can do without getting caught, and using the company to his advantage. In any case, you’re doing the right thing by protecting your peace and stepping back. Keep focusing on your work, keep choosing yourself and let him keep performing to an empty audience. This shows him he can’t have it both ways — sneaking behind his girlfriends back while also gaining attention from a woman whom his girlfriend would never suspect. Why? Because you are exactly where he’s expected to be — at work. He can arrange things around that job to see you, like meetings, projects, and she’d be none the wiser because of where this takes place. This isn’t a good man, but a sneaky, selfish one. You can do a lot better.
First and foremost, I want to say thank you! Your response is so kind and considerate, and so is your advice!
You’re right. He did a great job of leaving no paper trail while he moved things around and created reasons to work with me whole day, everyday, for a month.
I had high regards for him. I thought he’s a sincere and hardworking man who’s genuinely interested in me and probably going through a break up. I went through anxiety trying to remain in my moral boundaries with him and I’m so glad it’s over from my side.
I will focus on myself and my work and ignore all his attempts. I’m an empath and not great at dating or understanding men. Thank you so much for stopping by and showing me the mirror to his actual side. I send good wishes your way.
No problem at all love🫶 it may not be an easy road ahead since you work together at some capacity, so it’s not like you just won’t see him anymore. However, I have a feeling that with your capability of advocating for yourself, you will do your best to keep things casual and put your focus elsewhere. This too shall pass!💛
We work remotely and are in different cities. He goes into work twice a week and we have no work overlap. So chances are I’ll never see him again. I guess that will help me move on from this. Hopefully he’ll stop doing whatever he’s doing because it gets hard sometimes. Thank you for believing in me and guiding me!
Are you just refusing to acknowledge the fact that this guy is trying to get in your pants while he has a girlfriend? If you want this guy, you’re basically deciding you want to be the next girl that he cheats on. I don’t know why the hell you are trying to attach yourself to a piece of shit but hey it’s your life. Time to pull your head out of your ass and start thinking with your brain instead of your vagina
I didn’t know he had a girlfriend until 3-4 months in of developing interest and mutually expressing feelings. That’s how I got emotionally attached. A lot of other things happened recently that made me believe he might have broken up. But yeah it’s clear now that he’s still with his girlfriend after I saw his photo with her and the fact that he didn’t reply to my text message so I’ve stepped back permanently.
I don’t want this guy. After reading your response and others, it’s clear to me now that his intentions were and are dishonest. I have been ignoring all his indirect repeated actions towards me. However I was curious about why he’s making all that effort. If it’s for ego boost or to get my attention/validation. But yeah, it’s clear now that it’s not just that but also what you mentioned. Made it easy for me to ignore his existence totally now on. Thank you! I really appreciate the reality check on this. I’ll focus on myself and my work now and wait for a decent guy who’s genuinely interested. I’d rather be alone than be with this guy or someone like him.
I’m sorry I was a little harsh, don’t let yourself be blinded by infatuation
No worries. I had understood your intention was to guide me to the right path so it’s all good. I am on the right path now.
It shouldn’t matter. Don’t date coworkers.
When he was on my team and I didn’t know about his girlfriend, I acted with total professionalism. But now that he’s in a totally different department, you’re right, it doesn’t matter.. but for a different reason - this clearly isn’t a healthy situation. I just need to ensure his repeated hints at me don’t affect me or my work. And of course, I’m going to mind my own business.