Skinny Girls With Big Mouths: Why I Hate Food

[daisydot]

I hate food so much. Once I start to eat I can't stop and then I get depressed and eat more. It's like an endless cycle that can't be broken. The thing is I'm not overweight judging by the scales. But I absolutely hate what I look like. My stomach is getting bigger and my thighs as well. I have stretch marks. I am considered a healthy weight yet feel obese. I know that I'm not but some days I can barely look at myself in the mirror.

But I still eat and eat until I feel sick. I've stopped doing regular exercise because I can barely stand to see myself in shorts and a tighter top. I've tried to stop taking money out to buy food. I've tried to chew gum, I used to throw up after every meal and hide food to throw in the bin. After a while, I realized that was destroying myself mentally and physically so I managed to stop myself.

But I still eat. I still hate myself and every day struggle to get into clothes that I used to feel so confident in. I refuse to talk about it to anyone because to me it is a weakness that I can't show. I don't want to be labelled as one of those girls.

But I know I'm not alone with these feelings. One of my friends told me how he never ate food until he started fainting every day so was forced to eat. Another tells me about her struggle to get back to her old self, before the self doubt and depression hit her. Another tells me about how he goes to the gym as much as possible to bulk up so he can seem like a real man. My sisters, my little sisters, the girls I'm meant to protect and look after, refuse to eat breakfast and ask for tiny portions at meal times.

How can people torture themselves like this every day over food?

How can we lie awake obsessing over a number on a scale?

We look up the fad diets, buy diet pills, throw up, hide food and exercise until we are ill just to feel at peace with ourselves. And all for nothing. Because if we hate ourselves that much already, then a different body shape won't change a damn thing.

[Anonymous]

If that 'skinny girl diet' is your eating plan of choice, then I know why you're overeating. That diet is ridiculous. 400 calories a day? Fruits and veggies don't count? Um, no. Firstly, *most* fruits and some vegetables are basically empty calories from sugar and/or starch. You could easily be eating more than a thousand extra calories which 'don't count' if you follow that diet. Secondly, 400 calories a day for protein/fat/complex carbs is *nothing*. The simple truth is that you're overeating because you aren't eating enough. You're starving half the time, and when you do eat, your body's like, 'ohmigod food more please now need it' so you get that feeling of being unable to stop.

My advice?
1) Wipe that stupid plan from your life. Unfriend it. Once you've done that...
2) Go online, find a BMR calculator and work out how many calories your body uses just being alive. Do not confuse BMR with BMI. They are not the same thing. BMR is a much more exact formula with a strong scientific basis. Once you know your BMR (with and/or without exercise)...
3) Look online for a free 'Macro Calculator' and use it. Macros are the three main food groups (carbs, proteins and fats). See how much food your body really needs in a day. Eating too little will cause your metabolism to slow and your body to go into starvation mode and start storing fat.
3) Get an account with MyFitnessPal or Cronometer. Both offer free basic accounts. Start inputting everything you eat. Look at the nutritional breakdown. It will show you if something important (a crucial vitamin, for instance) is missing from your diet. You can also look at it when you're feeling like binging, tell your body, 'hey, body, I've given you what you need today' and know that's true.
4) Do exercise. Run/walk/bike for half an hour a day. Do squats/lunges/sit-ups/crunches. Anything. Just get moving and track what you're doing so you can see progress. Exercise releases endorphins, normalises blood sugar levels, reduces appetite, distracts from cravings, builds muscle and, of course, burns calories. Enjoy it.
5) Find some fitness bloggers/vloggers/YouTubers to follow. They're inspiring and healthy.
6) Fact is, it *does* matter what you put in your body, and calories aren't equal. Show your sisters by example how to concentrate on eating good, nutrient dense whole foods in the right quantities for their bodies.

Good luck!

[bits_y]

I've gone through exactly what you describe, and trust me I understand the mental struggle. Even being underweight at one point, I would look at legitimately obese girls and think I was bigger than them. It messes with your head. But I broke free and am so much happier. You say you don't want anyone to know so you won't be labelled, but the thing is, telling someone you trust is actually the first step to setting yourself free. Once someone else knows, you realize that they love you just as much. Mental illness or not. That's when the guilt and shame can begin to fade away. When you can go through daily life having someone else know about it and not judge you, you won't feel the need to hide it. Shame's biggest catalyst is secrecy. I'm so glad you found the courage to speak about this online, now you should tell someone close to you. Trust me, it will get better. ❤

[Library]

I can't relate to anyone who doesn't like food. I love food because it tastes delicious.