My depression has been ingrained in me

[Anonymous]

This is a more of a ramble on something thought about today...

Backstory: I was diagnosed with autism (PDD-NOS) and double depression around 10-12 years old (not sure on exact age). And on top of that I never really had many close friends, and have considered myself an introvert.
Even though

I have autism, I managed to learn how to be more "normal" and some social interactions that I had trouble with previously. My depression has varied from severe-ish episodes to the mild ongoing depression throughout the years. I have been on medicine previously but the past 2 years I stopped my medicine and Found a way to "help" my depression so it doesn't hit me so hard and can talk myself through it to prevent myself from doing anything stupid. (It is hard to explain but I still do feel the mild depression even though I can help myself) I talked to my therapist and realized my depression is triggered by loneliness and a lack of social interactions.
** I will take meds if needed and not afraid to get help but I feel better off meds**

I am out of college classes for the summer and have not worked the past few days and realized how truly bored and lonely I will be when I completely stop working. Today I had a revelation that even though my autism is partially causing my introvert personality, my depression is the thing that has been the main cause of the fact that I don't have many friends. Since I have been depressed for over 10 years, and I didn't realize until now how much that probably truly affected me. I know I have the ability to make friends but I think I'm ignoring the influence my depression has on me. I don't think I ever sat down and thought of how each of my two problems really affected me; I keep making excuses for why I don't have friends (mainly that I'm an introvert).

Even though I now know that my issue with close friendships is probably heavily affected by my depression, and the fact that it has almost been ingrained in me, I still don't know how to make friends. I never managed to pick up that skill since I spent half my life believing I don't need friends. I made a promise to myself that I will at least attempt to do some more self- reflection and try to overcome this illness once and for all. Hopefully when I do this, my depression will subside too and I can beat it once and for all.

It is a ramble so I'm not sure if you guys can follow what I said. If you did leave your opinion or comment either what I said above or what can help me gain the skill I need to be more extroverted.

***above photo is not mine***

[Mdiller45]

I kinda know what it's like to be in your shoes. I don't have exactly what you have, but similar. I have minor depression and anxiety. I know it does get better. Once you've settled down into the life you're satisfied with you'll get into a routine that you should like and pain will start to fade and get put in the back of your mind. You can always message me. You've got a friend in me and I'll try to help with whatever you need! :)

[Anonymous]

I hear you, I suffered from terrible social anxiety when I was younger. It kept me from making friends and developing social skills. Once I was actually diagnosed and on medicine and able to interact with people panic attack free, I found I didn't have many of the social skills that my peers took for granted. Its hard asking people for advice on social skills because many look at you like you are stupid or something. It is definitely worth the effort though :)

[sexymrx]

I know how you feel, but keep strong, there are others like us out there!