Girls, can I actually get better?

[JustALittlePerson]

So, after about two years of sweeping it under the carpet pretending to be ok I finally had to see my doctor recently and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have pills and the opportunity to see a councillor, I can't bring bring myself to take advantage of and go and see the councillor though because I really don't think I'd be able to talk. I've kept this kind of thing bottled up since I was 6 years old, I'm now 25. I quit my job last week to go and persue my career, but my lack of confidence is already screwing that up for me. So pretty soon I'll be with no job and no hope. I can't look my Mum in the eye because of all this, so I stay out late and drink. And then to top it off today I lost one of my 2 remaining friends in the world because of I made a stupid joke, because I lack the emotional and intelluctual intelligence to let any one know that I can be a serious person. I feel so lost. So scared. So empty. And so lonely. I feel like I'm sinking. Plus I'm now lying here feeling sick with worry that my silly joke might have hurt someone that I cared about.

[tightblackjeans]

Just tell the counsellor exactly what you said here, that would be enough. They'll know what to say. You could talk about what happened when you were 6, or not say anything at all and have a good cry - they'll be there to support you.
Are you sure you are screwing up your new career? Probably you are not, but you think you are because you're in such a negative frame of mind at the moment.
Your mum will always love you.
And you can't lose a friend over one misjudged joke... I bet if you texted them sorry and you're going through a lot right now, they would understand.
This horrible time will pass, you can get though it!♡

[JustALittlePerson]

Thank you. But I've just got this thing in me, that I've always had but now is getting worse and worse, whenever I'm not completely on my own, I get frozen for fear of saying, doing or acting in any way which might affect of burden someone elses life, especially someone I care about (I know this probably sounds illogical and stupid, and it probably is, but...) I just feel so lost, but trapped at the same time. My "career" is an enigma to me. Because I have this thing that I'm obsessed and passionate about and I do no commercial gain, just an ultimate personal goal. But then I look around at people I respect in my medium, past and present, and read, hear and see their "career" and I think, yeah, I'd like that. And it's already started, to look at my CV doesn't make unimpressive reading really for a 25 year old. But then time and time again I find myself realising that that cv isn't backed up with anything "real" in actual life...

[JustALittlePerson]

... It just looks good on a page. Then I find myself chasing certain ventures and opportunities before realising I've lost myself and what's important about my work and what I want to do. So I suddenly retreat again. Walking away from any contacts, opportunities, etc, I made. And just taking myself back to square one feeling alone, lost and trapped. The one thing I can say though is that through all these endless cycles I have continued to make work, even if no one else will ever see it. Thanks again for taking some time, it means a lot

[tightblackjeans]

Hey that's interesting what you mention about getting frozen up about affecting people negatively... it is sooo not illogical or stupid at all! I was just actually listening to Alain de Botton talking about that (you know when someone really smart expresses something you always knew, but they express it really really well?)... I can't express it so well, but what it means is that you're a massively polite person, and that's a beautiful thing (except for the tying yourself in a knot part I guess!). The interesting people are always the ones who have heaps of empathy with those around them, don't you reckon
Obsession and passion sound like the perfect basis for a career!

[tightblackjeans]

( Oh hey, I missed the second half of that, sorry if I said anything stupid only knowing half the facts.. just a sec...)

[tightblackjeans]

... I still think you should stick with your passion. It's part of what makes you a passionate person, what makes your life vibrant, and also makes you vibrant to others! Maybe you've walked away, but that's not the same as burning all your bridges, I think..

[mermaidrocketship]

This can't continue. You can't let things stay the way they are. Go to the counselor. Get on some medication. Grow in confidence. You have to get better, because things are really bad right now.

[JustALittlePerson]

Thank you, and I know you're right. But I just feel, whenever I'm not completely on my own, like frozen for fear of saying, doing or acting in any way which might affect of burden someone elses life, especially someone I care about (I know this probably sounds illogical and stupid, it probably is, but...) I just feel so lost, but trapped at the same time. Thanks again for taking some time, it means a lot.