Ideological dispute between my boyfriend and I.

[Deathcabforcutie]

My boyfriend and I love each other. Enough to want to be married later down the road but we have varying and opposite opinions on how we would have a household. He feels very strongly about having a traditional household if possible where the man works and woman stays at home cooking and cleaning and rearing up the children. I have been raised motherless and only currently know my mom at eighteen. I have no skills about this. I definitely want to be a mother but I do not want to be stick at home. This like book clubs or going to the park with the kids aren't thigs that fulfill me. My argument is I could relieve financial burden and also be happier thus a better mom if I worked. I really want to be an animator. He still thinks his wife needs to work. I cry so hard every time we talk about this because it seems due to our strong beliefs we won't be together. I looked very objectively at his plan but after seriously pondering it could not accept that lifestyle as best for my family. What should I do? I'm so upset about it and it breaks my heart thinking of us not being together.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you're going through, I'm kind of in the same situation. I do not want to be a stay at home mom and do nothing, and I say so, and then he says "Are you saying my mom does nothing?" No, I'm not, but volunteering at church and planting a garden are not things that are going to keep me happy. We're just seeing how it goes for now I guess. I'm 20 by the way, he's 22, and we've been dating for 2 years. Maybe we won't have kids for a while and I can work and stuff, and then by the time we have kids I'll be OK with staying home.

[Deathcabforcutie]

Thanks for understanding. I agree with you those kind of activities aren't fulfilling to me at all. I don't plan on marrying until later but I don't want to fall in love more with him only to never be together because of our differences. This is why we talk about it now b

[MyNameIsJonas]

Considering your only 18 a lot will change (considering after college and getting a steady job you will be 23ish earliest?) between now and the time your going to be getting married. Personally I would establish a career first then think about marriage. This topic between you and your current boyfriend is actually a ways of and does not need to be exactly planed out at this time even if you do wind up marrying him.

[Deathcabforcutie]

But if we feel so strongly about this then dating him would not be useful and only hurt more nth is is the only reason we discuss it we don't plan it

[MyNameIsJonas]

I just don't think you can be absolutely certain about who your going to marry and spend the rest of your life with at 18 or usually until your established in life. That is just realistic in my opinion. Discussing is good its just getting a little ahead of yourselfs if it become a serious point to debate over.

[DeepBlue]

It sounds like the two of you have life goals that are not in alignment with each other. If you can't get him to agree to some kind of compromise on this issue or see it your way I think you'll have to move on with life without him and find a man who shares your values on this.

[Deathcabforcutie]

Yeah that's why I cry a lot

[DeepBlue]

Maybe after some time apart things could change. You're young and you need to grow as a person first before you decide to be with someone for life.

[Racez]

You're still young to think about those things. Enjoy your youthfulness and strive to attain success. If you want to be at the top of your financial success, then strive to get there.

You should only think about marriage once you've achieved all your dreams.

[Distant]

I have this crazy idea. Why not work from home OR get a job when your children are 5 or so and use your extra income to hire a professional to watch your children during the day?

[Deathcabforcutie]

These are ideas we have already considered. With my job I'd want I couldn't really do that plus stayig at home cooking nd cleaning depresses me. His point of having someone there meaning a parent is valid but I tell him that they still don't get both parents. It's more like me raising them and him supporting. And I would be about fifteen years out before I could work with them all being in elementary school. I couldn't get my job with that

[Distant]

Then your only options are to not have children or to break up.

[hannibal214]

sorry to say, it seems like you two are incompatible on this fundamental issue. it may be best for you each to find partners who share your beliefs and spare yourself this stress

[Deathcabforcutie]

That is what I am coming to find is the only possibility since he isn't willing to compromise with me. It's so hard to when you love someone so much and it's not even because you being each other down or anything and you have to separate.

[Moloch]

Tell him you can't compromise your values that way.

[Deathcabforcutie]

I have. So I say that I guess we need to separate but then he asks to all me and see me. I don't even want to because it just hurts and reminds me that although I love him, we can't be together.