Is the wrong engagement ring a dealbreaker?

[Anonymous]

Over the weekend one of my best friends got engaged. We finally got a chance to catch up about the whole thing yesterday, and got into a bit of a disagreement so I’m curious what others think.

Basically she felt like the whole thing was wrong. She’s very introverted, and I guess at one point in time her fiancé asked her if they had an engagement party who would she want there. She said intimate, just her and him, no big crowd. He ended up inviting all of her close friends and fam (including me), it was a max of like 35 people, he thought it was intimate and their families would be hurt to miss it, but it stressed her out and triggered anxiety. Then he presented the ring, and this is the bigger issue. She’s upset because the ring is far from her style.

Her and I argued a bit because I feel she should just be happy, and maybe that’s all he could afford. She says price isn’t the issue, it’s the look. She feels like it shows he doesn’t know her at all, like first the party then this ring that doesn’t match her. In a big way I can understand that, but maybe I’m biased because I know he meant well, and without much direction he picked the ring he thought she’d like. Now she’s contemplating the engagement, and felt put on the spot to say yes because she didn’t want to embarrass him. So now I wonder, are these things really such a big deal to be dealbreakers?

Updates

1 y

Thank you all for your opinions! I just wanted to post an update for anyone interested. I suggested a ring exchange, but I think she’s still too upset to really consider it. She kinda brushed it off and said it might hurt his feelings. But she didn’t say no either, so I’m not sure what’ll come of that, I don’t want to pry or push too much. thanks again guys🤍

[Xoxocutekitty]

@Smoke-n-Growls she summarized it pretty well.

While it's cute and admirable that he put thought and effort into the engagement, it does beg the question of who is doing all of this effort for?

He says 'for her' but if he had listened to her he might have realized he was projecting what he wanted. Obviously I don't know their relationship, but I think they might want to work on their communication. Weddings are stressful enough, let alone having a partner who wants bigger, more expensive and one person who is happy to keep it small (30- 50 people).

[WhitneySnow]

Just tell him to exchange the ring. But do it soon most stores have a limit on how long you can wait to exchange it.

[Wise4myage]

Great reply.😊

[Asker]

This is a good suggestion, I’ll ask if she’d consider it.

[WhitneySnow]

Cool. And thank you 😊.

[CuriousMufuxka]

What's the point of an engagement ring anyway? For that matter marriage anymore. Dude deserves better than a spoiled brat.

[jshm2]

No. To be honest, if your red flag is exposed at engagement/wedding ring. Then you've a shit taste in partners.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

The ring doesn't sound like it's the dealbreaker.

He refused to listen to her, showed he'd consider others rather than her needs, and didn't even bother getting her opinion or guidance on picking a ring.

Why is he even dating her if he hates listening to, being considerate of, or respecting her wishes?

The ring is just a tiny indicator of a massive divide in communication between them. I'm with your friend - it doesn't sound like he's a good fit for her.

[WhitneySnow]

Huh. I didn’t think of it this way.

[Asker]

This is a good perspective. To be fair, he’s a really nice guy and he’s always been respectful and considerate of her, sometimes even going out of his way to accommodate this or that due to her anxiety, which is the only reason I genuinely feel like he had good intentions. Like specifically with her family, they’re very tight knit, so he might’ve just been considering that with the invitations. But to your point, it should’ve been about what she wanted, and I just think he dropped the ball in this situation. I’m going to suggest maybe exchanging the ring, and hopefully that can suffice.