Why won't my husband keep a job?

[Anonymous]

My husband just... won't keep a job. We've been together for 11 years, and as long as I've been married to him he has never kept a job longer than 6 months. I'm a stay at home mom, and every time he leaves a job it puts us in a position where we have to ask for money from family members for food and bills. At times... he doesn't even want me to tell family and gets angry when I say I am. Then while he's unemployed he is depressed and he stays like this for days, asking himself why is his life so hard. I keep trying to give my husband chances, but I can't keep doing this. Why is he OK doing this? Why is he unmotivated to stay on jobs and then expects family to bail him out? He goes to his grandmother a lot for financial help, and then have been times she's taken out loans from the bank to help him but he never pays her back.

[Anonymous]

oh god... WHY did you marry him? he doesn't even have a career? any goals? yikes... you are in trouble. you need to at least get a remote job, ASAP! you can still be a "stay at home" mom while doing so. but this dude is so unreliable i'm actually worried for you and your child.

before marriage, finances and jobs need to be 100% or else... you end up in this deadbeat life...

[Asker]

We got married young admittedly and those kind of mature conversations never got had. When we got married, looking back he didn't have goals for us. But I've been telling him for years now he's going to get old and realize that the original "plans" he had wasn't going to work. Unfortunately we're in our thirties now and I don't know if he will realize this. I just feel like I need someone to talk to at this point.

[Opinion Owner]

:\ i'm sorry that turned out this way. getting married young always ends up like this i feel like, from what i've seen. i do think you two should do some counseling together and separate to get each other on the right track for a more successful relationship.

[Asker]

I had that thought too, but to him it's either divorce or stay. Quite honestly, I don't know what he is thinking about in terms of us anymore. It's all sabotaging behavior.

[Opinion Owner]

well that's just not healthy for anyone in your family. especially the kids. i think you should talk to him about how the relationship is going since you don't know what he's thinking about. maybe it'll help, maybe it won't, but you both can't keep doing what you're doing right now

[Ben487]

Does he have any trade skills or professional credentials, cause that’s probably what he should be working on. He sounds like he must have none and that would definitely hamper any employment opportunities. I’m sure he’s not okay doing this , he probably needs professional help

[Asker]

He is ex cop, use to be a welder, and has truck driving experience. He's had great jobs in the past. Just, he somehow always manages to find something wrong with the job and he leaves. No job has ever fit his standards. In my opinion, the jobs he's looking for are unicorns.

[Ben487]

Oh. That’s a bummer.

[Asker]

Yeah, you're right. He has some skills just unmotivated.

[Ben487]

How many more years are you gonna put up with that?

[Asker]

I'm not giving it any more years, I've been too nice.

[Ben487]

Yeah I think you gave too much time to this guy unfortunately, especially if in the beginning you were looking to be a stay at home mom. It’s a huge let down

[Asker]

It has been a let down, but he has actually made being a stay at home mom uncomfortable. Not because I don't like it, but because I'm worried about finances like him. Then it spills over into other aspects of our marriage and now I'm the reason everything is failing according to him.

[Ben487]

My cousin got divorced in her thirties bc her husband had similar problems and she remarried to a man that works better for her but it was not easy. And she luckily didn’t have kids. I think you have a risk staying with him and a risk leaving. I can only suggest seeking a professional therapist that can help you make the right decisions based on your situation.

[Asker]

It's especially a risk because I allowed myself to not have a job rather than depending on him and I hate myself for it. But I thought I was doing right by my kids by being there when they were babies. It's been hell. Literal hell. You guys allowed me to vent so thank you.

[humanearth]

Because he is a P. O. S. and people keep bailing him out.

Tell him this "Since you can't hold a job. You can be the house wife and I'll be the man of the house.

I'll get a job, pay all the bills and show you how to be a man"

[msc545]

DOes your husband get along with others? What kind of work does he do?

[Asker]

No he doesn't. Very short tempered. He's doing truck driving these days but he says he hates doing it. But because he has no college degree it's the only thing that really pays the bills. He use to be a welder and a cop.

[msc545]

So he is this uneducated guy with a bad temper? Does that tell you why he gets fired all the time?

[Asker]

He's never been fired he just up and leaves and whenever he tells me why it's always something ridiculous. Something I wouldn't even be worried about if I was the individual bringing home money. I tell him don't worry about other people. Just do your job and go home.

[msc545]

It seems like his personality is the problem and he cannot work with or around others. He needs professional help.

[Asker]

Early on in our relationship I use to encourage that. But he would duck the conversation. I don't try anymore. Gotta want to be helped.

[msc545]

People that are as angry and irritable as your husband seems to be usually have a lot of depression as well - does that seem to fit in his case?

[Asker]

Yep you're absolutely right. I know depression isn't something you can just tell someone to get over, but at the same time you have to want to help yourself too. Won't go to counseling, won't try meds either. So as his wife what do you do? I feel I was the understanding wife. But throughout the years staying has gotten me hurt too.

[msc545]

You need to take care of yourself. You too can benefit from professional help. Do you have kids? If so, how many and how old are each one?

[Asker]

I have 3 daughters, they're 10,8, and my youngest is 2. I started seeking out professional help last year. He didn't want me doing that either. Was very weird energy. I still don't understand why he'd protest against that.

[msc545]

you will really benefit from some help. Can you start going again?

[Asker]

Yes, it's been on my heart to do here lately anyway.

[msc545]

Please do. This is not going well and it won't end well for you or your children.

[Anonymous]

Because he's like me, he knows how pointless and hopeless life is and he wants to die, just like I do. Oblige him or tell him something else, the choice is yours

[In_Trance]

Some people have a terrible work ethic

[Asker]

I hear you, but the problem I'm having is that he makes me feel bad a lot for not working. Before I had kids and was working, he use to spend my money up as fast as I make it.

[In_Trance]

No joint bank account

[Asker]

It would have to be in secrecy because the last time I worked and was setting money aside just to have lunch money he didn't even want me doing that.

[In_Trance]

I don't blame you. I would too.
I hope it works out for you

[Asker]

Thank you. Unfortunately I don't expect this to last much longer. I have to think about my kids and myself in all this too. I was sharing hoping I can get some insight.

[In_Trance]

I'm no expert but I would suggest you talk to a lawyer in terms of a separation agreement. Even if you decide not to leave right now you still have the agreement in place so you're not responsible for his financial debts

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Simple answer the dude is a loser.