F-ing My Fiances Best Friend

Question

I'm involved in the worst scenario ever. Yes, I am f-king my fiances best friend. My fiance and I have been together for 10 years. I moved to another country for work a year ago - this is a temporary situation, and my fiance proposed 6 months into my trip when he came to visit. My relationship started with his best friend just a month before I moved. There was just something about him that I had to have. He's a mysterious bad boy.

The sex with the best friend is the most amazing sex that I've ever had in my life. It's like an addiction and I always want to crawl back to his apartment for more. I get so wound up in it, that we've been out in public together, and I say to myself, "If my fiance finds out, f*** it, I'll just be honest". I can't distinguish if this is just lust & sex, or if I really love him.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my sex life with my fiance is realllllly dull. Is it right to marry a guy where the sex has already gone down the toilet ? I'll have to deal with this (or cheat) for the rest of my life ! So, this new situation makes me glow...maybe it's the satisfaction that I am receiving.

So, I've been weighing my options. My fiance is my best friend. He is a good, hard working practical guy that will always be a good provider, good father to children, loves me deeply, but is emotionally absent from my needs most of the time nowadays. I know for the most part, we are in this for the long haul, but it's somewhat of a convenience thing at this point. We are 31 years old. My girlfriends shake their heads and think that my pending marriage is the worst idea possible. They think that "I am not ready to settle down".

Or, do I go after the mysterious best friend where everything will be uncertain ? The best friend has past addiction issues, is a smoker, conducts business with shady people. He doesn't answer the phone very often when he sees my number from overseas - which drives me out of my mind - and makes me wonder about him 24/7, but when I come home every few months he calls me right away and we get together a few times when I am in town. Recently called and told me how much he missed me and didn't know how he was going to cope with when I come home, so I really don't know how to feel about where him and I stand.

On top of all of that, a successful guy at work is in love with me and wants me to dump everyone for him. He just gave me a plane ticket to meet him on his business trip in Spain. I am going to spend a week in Spain with this guy from work. He's 34, single, fun, but ugly.

Or, do I marry the fiance, and keep the others on the side to stay happy ? I reallized when I reached my 30's, that relationships are not black and white, there are many shades of gray if you know what I mean. I wouldn't put it past my fiance that other things are probably happening in his life while I am working abroad this year...HELP !

InesRoberts · Accepted Answer

Ufff...what a story. You are mixed up between your fiancee and another guy who is his best friend(what a best friend!)

And on top of this, you want to go to Spain with another guy?

What do you actually want?

I think you need to be honest with yourself and with the others. Honesty lasts longer. I can tell.

And your fiance`s best friend will probably dump you after he`s had enough of you.

Maybe it`s a good idea to write everything on a piece of paper. Put the positive vs negative and write both men`s names.

You can`t stay with someone just because of the sex. If there is nothing else, than that is not love.

What you are doing is horrible. I felt pity for you reading the whole story. But when you wrote at the end, that you wanted to go on a trip to Spain with some other guy, I didn`t know what to think anymore. So you were even ready to have sex with a third guy? Don`t tell me that you guys won`t be having sex in Spain!

Know what you want and you have to change yourself SOS before you will lose them all.

Try to talk to your fiance, you owe him that. Give it a try, try to talk about your sex-problem, try to make it better, you owe him that. If it`s really not going to work out, I`m afraid you will have to let him go. See him as a good man, but not for you.

If you have been bad for all this long time, I think it`s time to come clean. Also, I wanted to say, it`s not all about you, how would your poor fiance feel if he found out you were cheating on him? And with his BEST FRIEND! What a bastard that best friend of him. Anyway, I was saying, it`s not all about you. I think you need to tell them all what you were doing. And from there on, you can see what you can do.

Sex is important, but a good caring partner is also important, as well as a good communication.

You say sex with your fiance is dull, so you jumped on his best friend. Sex with him is great, but you don`t find him responsible and man enough.

Then you jump to this guy from work who you find successful, fun but ugly? And you are ready to spend a week in Spain with him? Who are you cheating actually? your fiance, your fiance`s best friend or yourself?

Get yourself together, take a break from all guys and put all the cards on the table and see what you will get from them.

Best of luck. But stop being selfish and careless. You are 30-35, not sweet 16

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

OK well there are definately A LOT of people being incredibly harsh. And frankly they keep making comments about how horrible you are, but apparently they don't actually have themselves invested in this site to help people.

I truly believe that you have issues as well, but I'm guessing they are stemming from somewhere. I've cheated on my boyfriends before in the heat of the moment for something exciting and I'm not proud of it. And after years the sex in your own relationship does get kind of broken.

My advice to you is to take one giant step back, figure out how you really feel about these guys, if you truly do love your fiancee then you need to take it to therapy and while there come clean. Either way you should truly take yourself to therapy alone as well so that you can deal with whatever it is that making you "act out" if you will, maybe therapy is where you need to go to figure out your true feelings about the guys.

And another therapy that can help a lot, should you decide to try to fix your relationship with your fiancee, and assuming he'll accept your mistakes, is sex therapy. If you ever had a good sex life with him you CAN get it back. Time just slows things down if you don't find a way to keep them going straight.

I don't want to justify what you've done, but I don't want to be an @$$hole either. I truly think that you need professional help to get your life back on track. Everyone falters at some time, some worse than others, but ultimately you have to WANT to fix it. Good Luck!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well, for starters, I think you're still kind of immature on many different levels. Age has nothing to do with maturity. If you're cheating on your fiance, the guy you're going to marry and suppose to spend the rest of your life with, while you're screwing someone behind his back, then yeah, I doubt you are ready for marriage. Or maybe even relationships that require commitments where you need to keep it in your pants.

Have you even tried to talk to him about the sex or how he's distant? If you haven't, I highly suggest that you do. Communication is the major part of a relationship. If you can't even discuss that with him, then I would reconsider marrying him. That's probably the reason why you've resorted to the best friend for sex.

On top of that, think of this:

What happens if the sex with the best friend begins to suck and he doesn't love you? You'll be stuck in a relationship with no love and bad sex.

Now compare that to your fiance: he loves you no matter what and will trust and support you, even if the sex is horrible. He will stay with you even if you get to the point where you may not be physically attractive, where the best friend will most likely leave.

I think you should sit down and re-evaluate your life. Your fiance doesn't deserve your selfish behavior.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

im not even going to read the whole thing because its wrong to do that no matter what the situation is. i have no symphathy for cheaters. i hope you get caught.

lefthand · Accepted Answer

In simple terms, I don't think the fiance is a good option. I don't think the bad boy is good option either. The dull sex has been wearing on you for years and when you finally got an outlet, it was amazing. That is called fusion sex and it is really common in people who have been with one partner for a long time and try someone new. Don't mistake it for love because it does go away after awhile.

I would suggest looking into an open marriage with someone who does connect with you emotionally and sexually. Sex is a primary need, like food and sleep and no one would blame you for sneaking a nap if your partner won't let you sleep.

oh, ignore the venom you might get on this. Your problem is legitimate and I respect that you are trying to figure it out. People like to pretend they are above such things. I used to be more judgmental when I was younger. Then I met people who had been married for 15 years and never had an orgasm or had been married for 12 and his wife had f***ed him less than a dozen times.

AJtogo · Accepted Answer

Ok, let me get this out of the way first; you suck.

Why are you even engaged to a guy when you had already started a relationship with his friend? Obviously it is a lust/sex relationship, which is great if you're single, but you're not. And, you don't even care if your fiance finds out. Your friends are right. Marrying this guy is not the best idea for you now so it's time to part ways with that.

I don't think you're weighing your options, I think you're trying to figure out how to have your cake and eat it too. Damn girl, you're even stepping out on this other guy to go to Spain with another guy. I think you need to get your shit together.

You know, we can do many things in life that are less than commendable but are oft times necessary as long as we can do it with integrity. You are severely lacking in that department right now. Whatever your choice is, I do hope you get what you deserve.

Snake99 · Answer

When you love someone your feelings for all others diminishes, you are not in love

You are very immature and selfish and you will never grow up. A very good candidate to be the single 40 year old bar fly

Unfortunately I've known a lot of women just like you over the years, usually you had a shitty child hood, bad home(parents divorce?), had sex at a very young age(12-14), drugs, over emotional and dramatic, very distant/non-existent family, everything is about you, but dating some many men, of course everything is about you cause that's all you care about

But rather than hate you, I pity you, these words probably will not resonate with you and you will never know real love

Ive come to realize there's some people you can't help

tex151 · Answer

Well your going to have a fun marriage, nothing like a lying cheating wife to come home to every day, if I was your fiancee I would dump you in the blink of an eye, no way in hell would I spend my life with a woman who cheats on me all the time. And as for my bestfriend well he wouldn't be my friend anymore, friends aren't supposed to steal other friends women, that's a man law and he broke it, so he's out  and your defiantly out, but who knows maybe your fiancee can look past all that and say no its ok and then you can marry the poor sap and continue to cheat on him, even if you say you won't, once a cheater always a cheater.

troublegirl · Answer

if I were you, I would go on with the fiance.  because he sounds like the perfect guy to be married to. and you will want to settle down some day. yet I would keep the fiance's best friend as a secret lover, as long as I could.  because sex is important to everyone. when your fiance finds out, just talk to him honestly. if he really loves you that much, he will understand and forgive you. and you are right. who knows he is not sleeping with some other women when you are abroad. and the successful guy, hum, I would treat him only as a friend.  because he's ugly but got enough money. I would ask him to be my partner when I went travel or went out for dinner in a nice place. someone got to pay the bill. right? lol

MattMA · Answer

You already know the answers to your questions... pick out the key words you use to describe. are they positive or negative? My only advice to you is stop pretending to care. If you are going to be selfish and go for the quick fun, then stand up and admit to who you are! By exposing your true soul, then those you affect will make the appropriate answers that satisfy their needs. Such as your fiancee. I'm sure he would make the right decision in letting you go and thinking nothing of it. His friend will find you dull because their is no shadiness in an exposed character, and you will be guilt free from faux-worrying about others.

'Cause lets face it, you really don't give a crap about anyone but yourself. Most little girls don't! That's why they play games..

Ainani · Answer

#1: The best friend thinks of you as a F***! that's why your addicted. the sex is good because you don't know him. he's unknown. what you have is a f*** buddy.

#2: DO NOT WHAT SO EVER GET ON THAT PLANE. IT'S HIS BUSINESS TRIP NOT YOURS TELL HIM FAMILY EMERGANCY SORRY. BUT DON'T GET ON THAT PLANE!

#3: if the sex with your fiance, is dull than tell him, it might hurt his feelings but you have some time give orders or cos play. don't ever be afraid to do so. that 's something some women don't do tell the truth in the bed room. tell him how you want to be touched or how you want to touch him. let every thing go an focus on your fiancee look over old picture of you and him. RECONNECT!

nicolerae08 · Answer

I think they all sound like bad ideas. The best friend wants you for the fun and excitement of it. If he really liked you he'd enjoy talking to you and wouldn't contact you just when your in town for a quick f***. I agree with what the people said about leaving your fiance. If you are engaged and cheating on him then I highly doubt the marriage would work. The sex is important, but not most important but you still want that spark there. I think you should drop all the men in your life for a while and take some time for yourself. Figure out what you really need and are looking for and hopefully the right person will come along. Just don't expect a perfect guy. There aren't any. I know I may be way younger, but it seems kind of like a no brainer. You know what you need to do. Good luck.

Nicky87 · Answer

id say don't get married if you don't feel right about it and ecspecailly if you plan on cheating! that is a horrible thing to do to your husband. I know if you were deeply in love with him and he did that to you, you wouldn't be happy. so I say, leave him, and it looks liek his best friend is just lest and sex. there's no real feeling there either, leave him, and this guy from work, don't lead him on. tell him that you aren't into him. Kind of reminds me of jerks who just play with girls hearts. Its not right and if the situation was flipped you wouldn't be as happy. I say leave them all behind and start a new slate with ONE person.

Jzx-ai · Answer

okay, what I think..is you are definately not ready for marriage.

you obviously want to be a free girl...and I'm not gonna call your a slut for just wanting the sex, but realy...i would do the same thing...only I don't have to. Sex with my boyfriend is just awesome! anyway, my point is...you need to slow down. Forget about the guy in spain, don't bother with someone you don't even care about..he sounds like a best friend material. but your fiance sounds like a great guy...cut off the marriage and tell him you aren't ready. open your eyes to see which guy you truly want. and find the guy that you don't even have to cheat on.

l-hedoniste · Answer

First, have you tried working out the sex with the fiance, figuring out what's wrong and making it right? You owe him that, and in the long run, you'll have to form the habit of fixing or living with the parts of the marriage that you don't like, rather than avoiding them.

Assuming you've tried, you also owe him a little candor. If the sex is so broken that you have to find the sex you want elsewhere, then do what you have to do. But not behind his back. He doesn't need to know the lurid details, but he must decide now, not years hence, whether this is the sort of marriage he wants to live in, and you're the woman he wants to raise children and age with.

Bluntly, do you want to marry? If so, do you want to marry *him*? If good sex is important to you, and you're dead certain that he won't give it to you, then how long will he last, anyway?

If he's wrong for you--and only you know if he is--it's better, kinder, smarter, and cheaper to end this before the altar than after.

darkscorpio · Answer

Ok you probably won't like this but I'm gonna be honest. You are playing with fire and being really selfish.

You are obviously not ready to marry this guy and if you did you would be screwing his life up since he is obviously in love with you. Who the hell grades sex when you are in love with someone?

Your friends are right you aren't ready to settle down, and if you were it wouldn't be with your fiance.

Anonymous · Answer

Whoa 10 years! What you did is really heartbreaking. I don't know how your fiancee will take being treated this way if he finds out. What you need to do is to realize yourself who you really love. If you just think like oh he's a good provider but that other guy is successful, another one can gives me the sex that I want. You know, you can't have it all. The main thing is who do you want to be with. It should not be hard, you know once you're in love and love someone. You are not in a stage where you just know them and have to decide which one you like most. You're freaking 10 years already with your fiancee. Anyways, if you aren't ready to marry him, why did you say yes in the first place? Being engaged means you're ready for marriage, it doesn't mean it's time to decide whether you want to be with him or not and which one is best for you. You're being immature and selfish here. How bout if your fiancee did this to you? Won't you feel like crap?

Anonymous · Answer

oh my god, what a friend that guy is huh, well personally I think you got karma coming back to you girl so I wouldn't doubt it if your fiance cheats. And this friend is using you and he needs to be knocked out for tryin his bestfriends girl wtf. And you if you aren't sure about marriage then you need to be straight forward if you love this guy then be with them but what your doing to him isn't showing love your f***ing him up for a girl that is going to be a decent wife to this man. And he sounds like a nice man who deserves a good girl NOT YOU.

bgreek1 · Answer

Shame on you!

Might recommend bend over touch ankles,and lube or not lube.

You are screwed,the best friend is just wanting sex.

It's just LUST Baby!

Although let me recommend a movie Fireproof

A must see movie

If you keep on what your doing you'll lose both men

And worst of all you'll get the title as being a"slut"

FaceInTheCrowd · Answer

I won't try to persuade you... because I suspect you don't have a moral bone in your body. The ring you wear might represent more than you expect... so do everyone ( yes, that includes you too)  a favour and give it back. Clear your conscience and if you give a reason be subtle...

roadkingp · Answer

You have gone nuts! Sex is a small part of our lives. True love is the biggest part. And for a small part you are wasting a good life. If your fiance loves you and you love him (minus the sex) then marry him. Leave the best friend he is probably using you. You have just gone crazy over sex!

wally · Answer

If you can't make you're mind about what you want from any guy you'll end up with, my advise that you tell you're fiance what you've been doing and let him go .

just leave all the guys you're with now and try to find someone else.

Trying to find everything in one guy is IMPOSSIBLE NO ONE PERFECT.

Anonymous · Answer

i didn't even finish reading all of this. here's my advice to you. I was in this situation and we ended up breaking up for other reasons. well his best friend decides out of no where to snitch. what an ass. so I would be careful. I say ditch all of them, start over and find someone new. good luck to you!

hatethegame · Answer

Dump the fiance, sex is an integral part of marriage. And a dull sex life, is a dull marriage, and a dull marriage, is an ugly divorce.  Save the both of you trouble and break it.

Telemusik · Answer

Youre fiancee is too good for you ! and you and his mate are well suited, I don't really care how it ends only that the good guy doesn't come out the worst.

Anonymous · Answer

Wow, leave your poor fiance now before you do any more damage. You'll find the "wild" sex won't matter when you're alone wishing you had married the right one.

F-ing My Fiances Best Friend

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