Recently I've been reading up on stupid criminals (Cause I get bored.) and have decide to post Five of the funnier ones I've read. Not counting the Dumbass above. (He posted that to Facebook and was quickly arrested.) No, I'm talking about the kind of reaction that most of us have when watching "Jackass". Where we hang our heads with a smile saying, Jackass! Or the kind of crap we hear about ourselves from our "Friends" after a night of drinking.
This one won a Darwin Award in 1989,
They recognize individuals who have supposedly contributed to human evolution by selecting themselves out of the gene pool via death or sterilization by their own actions. Direct from Melbourne, Australia, A 24-year-old black belt in Chinese Kung Fu, on receiving his 1st degree, was pumped up by his instructor with the brilliant knowledge that he could now overpower and kill a wild animal with his bare hands. He immediately put the Lord his God to the test, as it were, by driving to the Melbourne zoo, sneaking in after dark and jumping into the lion exhibit! Not that the lions couldn’t have taken him one-on-one, but they saw no need to fight fair. All the police and zookeepers found in the morning were his hands, clenched with red fur in them. This qualifies as a crime, since it is illegal to trespass in a zoo after closing time, and besides this, the lions had to be retrained not to attack humans, as they now had a taste for human flesh. Just for @Luci92
The One Thing,
On 17 August, 1981,
Miss Terry Johnson of Chicago was woken at about 2:30 AM by two men wearing police uniforms, complete with badges, utility belts, handguns, cuffs and hats. Their nameplates read Tyrone Pickens and Stephen Webster, and Miss Johnson stated later that she was more bewildered than scared. She thought either that these men had stolen the uniforms, or were policemen who thought she was a thief, and were confiscating the stolen property before arresting her. She waited for them to leave, then wrote down their badge numbers, names, and the number of their police car, and found out by the end of the day that the uniforms were real, and belonged to the two men. They had used police equipment to break into her home, robbed her with their uniforms on, while on duty, and not fled the city afterward.
In early 1994,
An Islamic terrorist organization in Jordan ordered violent reprisals against all Jordanian stores that sold either videos or liquor. This meant bombing such stores. On 1 February, Eid Saleh al-Jahaleen, 31 years old, accepted only $50 in U. S. currency to plant a bomb in a Turkish movie theater, in Zarqa. He entered and discovered that the theater was showing Turkish pornography. He had never seen anything of the sort, and was immediately fascinated. He stowed his bomb under a seat in the center of the theater, as instructed, then sat down in the same seat and watched the show. 10 minutes later, the bomb blew off both his legs and his testicles. His penis was relatively unscathed, since it was safely inside his right hand. He mercifully bled to death in the aisle.
Also in 1994,
Right at the beginning of his run as Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was, and still is, living in Dallas, Texas, where the show was filmed. One day he was walking down the street by himself, no entourage, no fans following him, no bodyguards, not even his wife. He turned a commercial block in the downtown skyscraper area and saw two men a little bigger than he coming straight for him from the other end of the block.
They were staring right at him, and he figured they wanted autographs, which he enjoys signing. So he walked up to them and stopped with a smile, whereupon they stood in front of him, whipped out a couple of large pocketknives, and one of them demanded, “Give me your wallet, Chuck! Give it here!” Norris actually opened his mouth wide and then asked, “Are you insane!?” “No! We know who you are! And we know you got a lot of money! Now give it up, or you’re dead!” 
Now before we go further, let us just go over a few of the particulars. All jokes aside, Chuck Norris truly does have the following black belts: 1st degree in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, 8th Degree Grandmaster in Tae Kwon Do, 9th degree in Jeet Kune Do under Bruce Lee and Lee’s best student, Dan Inosanto, 10th degree in Shito Ryu Karate, 10th degree in Tang Soo Do, 11th degree in Chun Kuk Do. Granted, the last art is his own concoction, a hybrid of all the best moves he has learned over the years, all blended for both self-defense and competition, and you are only allowed a 10th degree or better in anything when you found your own dojo. But suffice to say, the muggers didn’t even use guns from a hundred feet away. They used knives within arm’s reach.
What happened next was rather anti-climactic.The police arrived about 4 minutes later, 3 officers in two cars, and were greeted by the scene of two men with SEVERELY broken arms (the bones had gone through the skin) sitting on the curb, two bloody knives in the gutter, and Chuck Norris, the Almighty Himself, leaning against the wall, wearing his beard, jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat….he shrugged at them. The police started laughing so hard that they bent over, holding their sides, unable to put the handcuffs on the muggers. One of them managed to ask, “Did you not know who he was?!” One of them said, “Yeah, we knew who he was! We figured all that crap on TV was fake!”
Well that's it for now. Hope you laughed a bit. If you know any other funny stories like these be sure to leave it below in the comments. Now if you'll excuse me I have to steal Stipe Miocic's wallet cause we all know the U.F.C. is bullshit!
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