I don’t like talking about the sad things that happened to me in my life, because I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. However, I just to want to tell people my story. Now, my story is just going to be like any other human being’s, who suffered through life. I am not anyone special. Because suffering is part of life and with it, we learn to make ourselves a stronger and a better person.
Growing up, I have always felt lonely. Even though I had my siblings, I always craved for friendships with anyone else besides my family. Because with strangers you can talk about things which your family forbid you from talking about. That’s what being a child is, you are growing up and exploring first few levels of your childhood, and you want to see everything. I was that child. Unfortunelty, my childhood was shattered when I first got molested. I think after that, my brain, from a normal curious child, started to change into unhappy and scared. Scared of the world and also confused. Why did that happen to me?
The second time it happened, I tried to tell someone, but I felt so ashamed. How was I to tell my loving, beautiful aunt that her son forced my hand down his pants as he walked me home. My aunt is a widow, she sews peoples clothing for a living, and she helped her daughter after she was in a physically abusive relationship. My aunt would sew dresses for me, even before I was born into this world. I could not make her life miserable, so I kept my mouth shut.
I talked to my physiatrist about it, he said that I do not need to believe the people who tell me to just forget about it. Sexual abuse is a traumatic experience and can take a toll on anyone’s mental health, especially a child. I felt comforted by his words, no one ever told me that. Anyone I talked to, told me to forget about it. I knew they were trying to help but I wasn’t feeling better by just getting over it.
“What’s your advice to me?” I asked the doctor.
“Always think positive,” he said, as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. “thinking negative will only make you unhappy. Only you can make yourself better.”
I remember when I was in the 6th grade, I was bullied relentlessly because of my weight. Being fat makes you a target for everyone especially when you are 12 years old and spending most of your time in school with a bunch of kids. Although, I have lost the weight now, what the children would say to me still sometimes peaks through my mind. Again, I would wonder why did this happen to me?
Suffering. Suffering is part of life and I realized this as I got older. Being lonely, the sexual trauma, the teasing, it would all always cave into my mind in a little corner. And I would fall deep in a dark pit and never wanted to come out.
“The medication will help you get better,” The physiatrist said. “Remember, you owe more to yourself, than you owe to your parents. Always put yourself first before others if necessary.”
My parents, they love me very much. But I have made them suffer so much because of what was going in my head and also because I was questioning my faith, Islam. I owe my life to them. It’s impossible for me to put myself first without feeling guilty. Regardless, I will always love you Mamma and Papa. No human being is worth sacrificing my life for, except for you two.
“God is watching everyone, he is looking out for you,” My father said. I had never seen him cry like this before. “I pray that you come back to him. I want to see you in heaven.”
My mind is chaos and peace. But when I close my eyes and take a soft breath, I feel the calmness hit my skin like the wind.
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