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A Breath Of Life In The Suicide Road

Well, hello everyone.

It's me again.

This Take is inspired by @Fitness-Fanatic 's latest mytake that you should really check out, it's really inspiring and at the same time heartbreaking.

Here is the link: Left For Dead: How I Survived The Day I Nearly Died

Basically, her MyTake explains how one day after a terrible incident that wasn't her fault. She fought for her life and health and won.

And today I decided to seem brave like her and share my story about almost reaching death.

So before I continue writing, I want to to congratulate her for that because she is indeed a real warrior.

Now.. I guess let's start.

*WARNING-TRIGGERING TOPIC*

If you follow me from the beggining of my account till now or you followed me in my old accounts then you probably have seen that I talked many times about mental illness, wrote MyTakes about it and in general most of the time I always support it when it comes to debates with others.

However I do avoid the topic because I don't think that I can really help anyone, I can be there for them if they need me but most of the time this isn't enough.

For those who don't know me, my name is Tsarina, I'm a Russian G@gger (hate me for my nationality if you want) and I have bipolar personality disorder.

A small backround story, I was diagnosed when I was about 11 (my dad is bipolar as well, and the symptoms appeared pretty fast..I don't know if it it's genetics,i t's just what happened) and started taking medication (lithium) at 12 years old.

So I got into the psychological/psychiatric world really young. For me since then, normal life meant appointments every Friday and Wednesday with my psychologist.

In general Bipolar disorder before puberty didn't really affect me that much, I was mostly a normal kid. I just had my good days and my angry days a little more 'bold' than others.

The problems started when I was about 14, that I officially got into puberty.

The mood swings went extremely wild.

The psychotic days went crazy and the depression days were torturing. The only thing that would save me from my thoughts, was writing my books and doing my running practice every single day, both kept my mind busy.

But as months started passing, the depression days especially weren't able to be ignored anymore. I couldn't just focus on training or writing and forget everything. It started taking over my life.

So, I don't know why, I started cutting myself on my wrists believing that this was the only thing that would bring me relief, and I won't lie, it temporary did. I still have the marks. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

My parents were too busy too notice, I always hide it from my psychologist, trainers and my friends, the people that work in my house and actually did notice kept quiet for a bit after I told them to, my siblings somehow didn't notice either so I basically got away with it for a bit.

I felt alone in this battle... Until I fell in love for the first time. Yeah I know I was and still am young, but it is what it is.

I don't want to say his name, but let's just call him 'N' for now.

So, 'N' and I instantly clicked, we both had a very similar background...He was only one year older than me, he as well came from a wealthy family that was mostly busy with their lives and not him, he had severe depression and anxiety, he was cutting himself... Basically he felt my pain and I felt his.

We were together for quite awhile, to be more specific till my 15th birthday so a little less than a year... During our time together we decided to help each other by confessing our darkest thoughts.

The whole situation though had the opposite result. We didn't give to each other hope, just more darkness and despair.

A week before my birthday, I decided that I won't get better and it's time to end my life.

I decided to tell him because I knew that it would break him if I did it and he didn't know.To my surprise he told me that he was thinking about killing himself too for quite awhile but he stayed because of me...But now that I will leave, he doesn't have a reason to live either.

*At this point I want to say that to be honest right now that I analyze my behaviour, I think that the real reason I told him was because I wanted him to tell me something that would make me not do it.*

We decided to do it together, very early in the morning of my birthday, in my room.

*I don't want to get into more details about how we did it or what happened because my heart honestly breaks only thinking of it. I'm not and I don't think that I will ever be ready to tell anyone what happened in there.*

My attempt failed (clearly), as you can see I'm still here. They found us while we were still alive and took us to the hospital, I don't know what happened, I don't really remember... I just know that I woke up in my parents and siblings crying of happiness because I was alive above me.

He though, didn't wake up.

I survived, he didn't.

A Breath Of Life In The Suicide Road

_____________

I lost him and a part of myself that day.

People talk about death like it's something really normal...Like it's something that you learn to deal with in your life, but when you come so close with death, it's different. You'll never be the same.

It was unfair that he left and I stayed, we both should have survived because now I finally see that there is actually a way to overcome this.

That day I promised myself that I would never try to that to myself again, not only because I would lose the life that someone gave to me to live but also because I wouldn't want anyone to feel what I felt when I heard that 'N' died.

It took some time for me to accept that he isn't coming back, but eventually I got over it and moved on and decided that I will fight for him and me.

Life is indeed a long road, but believe me...nothing is an end game.You can always change the facts as long as you believe you can do it.

And as my mother said to me that day "The battle is never over until you say it is."

-END.

AngelicSin

A Breath Of Life In The Suicide Road
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