What do you have to unlearn from your past?

[AmandaYVR]

[WhiteSteve]

I guess right now I have to figure out how to not fight in my hockey league, lmao. It’s not really a problem for me on the whole, I play all the time and never get into any scuffles, except this ONE kid in beer league, and I have to see him every three weeks, sometimes more if he fills-in for one of the other teams (he’s a goalie). I’ll stay true to my pledge of no gifs on your questions, haha, but he’s the same idiot from the other question when I gif’d you half to death.

So I just got an email tonight from our league manager, and they had some big meeting and now there are stricter rules on fighting. It used to be: 1st fight = one game suspension, 2nd fight in same season = suspended for remainder of the season, and three fights in a calendar year was a one year suspension. But now, THESE are the new rules…

So I’m clearly one of the “repeat offenders”, and I’m thusly on my last strike.

I got away clean on my first fight with that goalie (helped that it was at the final buzzer, so no penalty assessed), but I had to protect a teammate last week and he and I got into it again, and this time, I got a suspension. Fair enough, goalie got one too, and that’s what’s important to me, because he always does shit, and even almost fought OUR goalie after that same game was over. So I figured I’m on Strike One. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to fight, I don’t stand to gain anything from that even if I win, but I know how hockey goes, and even though I’d almost certainly never instigate, I’m near-uncontrollable in terms of retaliation. Both times we went at it, he popped me in the face first, and I IMMEDIATELY began fighting both times. I don’t even have a split-second to think about it, it’s a reflex in the truest sense of the word. But according to the email, the second strike is the last one now. Fair enough in that I’ve fought twice, but frustrating that both fights were provoked, “walking away from confrontation” simply isn’t what I’m wired for.

So…. not the end of the world if I got kicked out, but obviously it’s easier not to, haha. I don’t have any reason to worry, really, except that goalie is still in the league, and what I do depends on what he does. And I can’t really avoid him in-game because my position calls for me to be in front of him, and he can give me shoves to move me, which is fine, but he starts egregiously tripping or slashing me, which is NOT fine. So how do I not react to that when the reaction is really and truly a reflex, and not a choice?🤔 I’m already kind of daydreaming about him punching me and me just absorbing it with my hands clasped behind my back, and then laughing and doing the “yerrrrrr OUTTA HERE!” baseball umpire gesture when they eject someone, lmfao, but I know that Steve only exists in dreams. But MAN, would that be satisfying, I’m so envious of people who can do that kind of thing😂

I don’t know if I CAN even technically unlearn this stuff, I can remember responding to confrontation with peers this way from my earliest memories of socializing, so at some point I just have to accept it as who I naturally am. I guess I just have to hope this goalie doesn’t want to act up again, or that’ll be it for both of us.

[Sandeeppingping]

Many things I guess, I have to re-learn what's the difference between being needy and being all out detached from people, I know that they're complete opposites but that's what makes it tricky, what's the fine line between great conversations and enough of me VS Too much of me, now I'm extremely detached from the people I know, maybe that's a part of why I'm on here I'm always more comfortable with strangers/new people.

Also I would like to unlearn that there is no such thing as people you can rely on, friends that call you their brother snd actually mean it, then when shit goes down they're nowhere to be found, I'd like to unlearn that simply because before these people there were friends I could rely on, and I'm also 100% sure there are many people who have others they can rely on.

I have to learn being do desensitized to sexual humor too, like if I'm talking to my girlfriend it's nice, or like flirting with some girl I'll never see again, but when I'm sitting with guys and they make these jokes it's like I already know what everyone's gonna say already.

So yea I hope I could change these, especially the first, I've lost many people just like that, by "just drifting apart", what's ironic is that I know exactly these aren't the right ways to do/see things, yet personal experience invalidates any objective explanation, maybe that's how we're built, or how I'm built

[Sandeeppingping]

One more thing, letting things happen as if like the problem will go away by itself, ironically it does as the universe doesn't wait for no one, yet it still tortures me slowly and silently, that's definitely something I have to unlearn by taking action and facing my issues head on.

[Sandeeppingping]

by the way this shit felt like therapy I'm actually introspective af

[AmandaYVR]

Bravo, my good man. I don't use. gifs, but imagine I am giving you a standing ovation here. That shit was real.

[Blackcupcake]

hmmmmmmmmm nothing comes to mind when I think about it, the things I have learned have made me the me I am so who knows how I’d be if I didn’t learn them… hahaha

[Seinna]

Most of what I was taught in school especially about the world - history and science. It's mostly been lies.

[AmandaYVR]

History is written by the victors.
You think science has been mostly lies too? Science and medicine is ever-evolving. I'd give them a bit more leeway than that. But yeah, it's annoying af when they act firm on something, and it gets a complete about-face not long later.
There was a good joke on Big Bang Theory about this, from Sheldon's mother, Laurie Metcalf.

[Seinna]

Medicine and pharmaceuticals is one of the biggest lies and it's one of the ones that's the easiest to see. It's a whole system specifically designed to keep us sick, not healthy. I read an interview with Bill Gates when I was little... he admitted that there exist treatments that could help a lot of people but he didn't believe it was worth using them on public because the cost was too high. And that was over 20 years ago. We're governed by people who purposely keep us in the dark while sucking all our life force out of us with taxes and poison us with food, water and cosmetics. Many things in science we just assume are true because they hold true in some experiments... for example how an atom is supposed to look changed like 3 times already and we still don't really know, we just agree on a model but that's not what you're being told. We could be totally wrong about everything but there are people who know a lot more than us and are hiding it from the public and teaching us lies. If you're a scientist and you say something in opposition to that you're being ridiculed and discredited by the scientific community, doctors lose their license to practice medicine because they saved people's lives using different methods... many of them are killed. For example a lot of doctors and scientists who believed they found a cure for cancer died mysteriously. Also, look into "brain death" - it doesn't exist, it was coined to steal people's organs. Science is not as free as most people think, for some it became a new religion but they don't understand how it's made. Public schools are designed to keep us stupid and it's malicious enough that it's the ones of us who seem the smartest and most studious that are the biggest victims of it. They make us good enough workers, nothing more.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Feeling shame around what I now understand to be symptoms of my ADHD. It's just cost me my day job, which is opening up some wounds. I'm not sure if those feelings of shame/regret /sadness are something to be "unlearned", per se, but they need some kind of resolution or catharsis, coz right now I just want to hide from the world like a hermit until I'm "ready" to re-emerge anew. Which of course is totally irrational, but it's hard to shake the feeling my life resets every 6-18 months like Groundhog Day.

[AmandaYVR]

This is so poignant, Tom. I'm sorry you're going through this. Setbacks are really, really, hard. I have read that the one commonality in all successful people is that they have figured out how to pick themselves up after setbacks. They're bold, and it's not that they never faltered, but that they didn't give up. This sounds sensible, even perhaps doable, but if you're the person who's living the experience, it feels often more like character or physiological flaws, and I too struggle to see this another way, sometimes.
I had a friend who I had known for 25 years. He has ADHD, and his natural energy level and focus is probably accurately described as the antithesis of mine. I can't have deep, satisfying, conversations with him because he bounces topics too quickly (even while I recognize he is asking/peppering me with qs, which does show interest.) He seemed to try, all his life, to do something with this excess energy. At its best, it involved a lot of working out and getting really toned. At its worst, it became a meth addiction, and high blood pressure, both of which likely were the cause of a massive stroke. I found out this week that he's partially recovered, but his life has deteriorated markedly, poor guy.
You don't strike me as being even close to having his issues. Your writing is beautiful, and you think and introspect, and everything you write is coherent and well-thought-out. We only pieces of one another, in this context, and I don't presume to know more, but I just wanted to say that, as Julia Roberts' character said to Richard Gere's in Pretty Woman, "I think you have a lot of special gifts." (Have I said that to you before? I'm getting a deja vu now... well, I still haven't changed my mind about that.)

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

That means a lot, thankyou ❤️. Sounds like your friend has the 'primarily hyperactive' variant of ADHD, mine is the 'primarily inattentive' type (what was previously known simply as ADD, at least here in the UK). Risk-taking and mile a minute conversations aren't really me, if anything it's the opposite. You know how people say the hardest part of a task is getting started? Well imagine that feeling of inertia you feel eight before starting a task, but then imagine that feeling never subsides, and no matter what you're doing, or how much you're doing, you're having to fight that inertia the entire time with the same level of intensity. It stings extra that I'd actually disclosed my ADHD to my employer out of worrying that exactly this kind of scenario could emerge as a result of those struggles. When they were running through the reasons for dismissal, it basically was a verbatim copy of my ADHD assessment physiatrist's report. But employers just can't really understand this because all they see is an employee falling behind, and attributing that falling behind to "disrespect for the job" or some similar description. I hate it, and I hate that it's so hard to see through the constant brain fog to reveal the bigger picture, coz instead of moving towards my biggest life ambitions, I'm using up all my mental energy just trying to get the bus on time.

[AmandaYVR]

Oh, the non hyperactive kind. That makes sense. Didn't know it was called inattentive.
Yeah, it's really risky to reveal things, isn't it. Sometimes it benefits, pays off, because understanding is good. But there's also great risk, and so much relies on the receiver's personality, character, knowledge, to be able to take in the information.

I really don't want to waste your time with trite suggestions. But just one thing... do you ever build a sense of momentum, where one small task, fairly easily completed, transitions into doing another? Like a rolling stone gathering momentum, kinetic energy, even, maybe?
I'm curious how a person's brain with ADD works differently than one without. Because inertia does happen to all of us at times.

You know what one of my problems is? I do not make quick or rash decisions (well, rarely.) I'm naturally cautious and a planner that way, but over the years it's been confirmed to me, over and over, that bad decisions create bad situations; and a lot of discomfort, and sometimes intense stress, or pain. So what actually surprises me is still how often my imagination is not even as bad as some outcomes. Things end up worse than I imagined they could! Which entrenches my fear of making shit decisions; which I have done, and then have to live with the consequences, for a very long time. I don't know how the fuck some people get over that, not have remorse, regret, etc.
One way to combat this is to not make decisions when under extreme stress or duress. However, all mine have been unavoidable, and I was forced in to making a decision, by people (say, the owner of the property I happen to be living in. They have allll the power.)

[AmandaYVR]

Anyway, my sometimes inertia is based on this. I suppose it's likely different for you, you have some other reason, or impediment. But the way I unblock myself sometimes, is to have a list (first you have to make lists), and then do the easiest thing on the list. Very often, it creates enough momentum (drive, in myself) to do a second thing. And even if I never get to the really tough things on the list, I will at least have ended up with a shorter list, and a couple or few tasks accomplished, which frees up the mind to emotionally or mentally tackle other things.
Just a thought/suggestion there, just in case. But don't feel obliged to reply if this is way too basic for your circumstances.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I use a to do list app that I find helpful in building that momentum. But it's not like the inertia goes away after that first small task. Most people get a natural uptick of dopamine when they complete a task, but from my understanding, I don't really experience that 'lift'. There's just varying states of exhaustion and distraction and overwhelm. But despite that I'm a hard worker, but even at my best, I'm still running through all the possible things I've probably forgotten, so victories are short-lived and bittersweet, because there's a constant sense that I'm never truly on top of things. I can work and work like a whipped dog, and still I have employers claiming I've been negligent and lazy and unfocused, even though my direct peers know how hard I'm working. I've never liked that about higher level management tbh, I can get on great with, say, the head chef and soux chef, but the owner will walk in once in a blue moon and straight away pointing out something I've done wrong or ignored supposedly. They don't see the 95 things I did RIGHT, they see the 5 things I did wrong and portray it like it's a "pattern of disrespect and negligence and lack of enthusiasm". Like, goddammit, it's just washing dishes and emptying bins pretty much, how "enthusiastic" am I supposed to be? I still turn up and do the work either way. I'm going on tangent maybe, my heads just swirling with all this. It just feels unfair that my best effort is tossed aside as if I've personally smited the company's good name.

[AmandaYVR]

Hmm. You sound a bit like @Lynx122 although he's autistic; it's just that his frustrations with work sound like yours.
Have you ever seen lists, or gotten recommendations, about lines of work that you would be suited to? I hired a career counsellor in my low 20s and she had me take all these tests and the results were a confirmation of pretty much what I already thought of myself, and what came up in high school. It's a bit... I don't know, it's just a strange feeling to know that your personality is that set. It brings order to who you know yourself to be, but it also feels limiting sometimes.

[AmandaYVR]

Have you tried Adderall and the like? Or are those only prescribed for the hyperactive type?
Does caffeine ever focus you?

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I actually know exactly what I wanna do career-wise, this job was only ever meant as a stop-gap, but it kinda became all-consuming with the hours I was doing. I'm currently trying different doses of Concerta (the slow-release kind), which is similar-ish to adderall in that they're both stimulant medications. Caffeine is a regular thing for me, although it's hard to say how much of it is actually beneficial, since I don't feel "wired" from drinking coffee any more. But it's part of my daily routine (if you can call it a "routine"), sometimes it gets me over a tired spot of work, but overall its just helping to keep me from going off the rails. It's more of a mental honing rod than a sharpener, it can keep me from getting bent out of shape, but it's not actually making me "sharper" per se. A good day for me is one where I can sustain enough energy and attention to just exist at the baseline level, anything beyond that is a plus. Lack of sleep doesn't help but that's probably because my mind spins at a higher RPM in the nighttime hours, so even if I'm physiologically very tired, I'll still find a way to be awake at 5am.

[Chazmatazz269]

It’s not really about unlearning. It’s about keeping my mind open to new information. I read a book called “Being Wrong” by Kathryn Schultz and it taught me a lot about how we assimilate, store and recall information, and how often we screw up one or more of those steps. The end result is that we’re wrong far more often than we’re right. Yet it’s almost in our nature to attach ourselves to thoughts and feelings even if they’re not our own, and insist that we must be “right”. Often while actively refusing to accept new information. Ell oh ell! Pride goeth before the fall, they say.
So i’m more vigilant than most about my own shortcomings and i try to remain open minded regarding new information.
“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on things you have long taken for granted.” - Bertrand Russell

[Lionman95]

That because I´m a white cis man I´m always part of the problem no matter what kind of problem is currently trending.

It´s the idea that all white men are the root to the worlds biggest problems of the world and that it´s now the time of women and minorities to solve the crap white men have produced.

So I never stepped up as a guy but kept myself in the background and never started to workout or do anything that could make me look like a predator or something else bad.

[AmandaYVR]

Wow.

[Lionman95]

It´s partly what I take from my experiences of feminism lived out at university and school maybe it wasn´t taught or meant that radical. But that was the message I received back then. It´s the idea that guys had their fair chance in power and now it´s the time for girls and minorities to make it better.

[AmandaYVR]

If you want to tell of any specific instances, stories that affected you, you could on my q here:
I want to hear your personal experiences with dark feminism. And I want to know, do you think I need to get involved in this? ↗

[ArrowheadSW]

I didn't have the greatest managers early on in my career. I had to unlearn some of the ways in which I interacted with employees under me later on. They were not good examples as to how to treat employees.

[Lynx122]

A lot of things. So many things I needed to survive and get by when I was young because I couldn't handle my environment later on held me back. But that's a normal part of life I think, some just have more trauma and difficulties than others.

[ArtemisSilver]

I am trying to unlearn fear, lower forms of attachment, and the urge to crumble into nihilistic hedonism or stasis. I'm also trying to unlearn my assumptions about spirituality, reality and the human form.

[Lliam]

How to remain calm and collected instead of flaring up when I get angry.

[NathanDavis]

unlearn? nothing...

for better or worse, I need myself whole... and going forward

~ I don't learn to know more, but to ignore less... ~

[RealMarek]

That if you just work hard enough everything will be okay.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

You can't change someone, they got to want to change themselves

[Jamie05rhs]

Avoidance, probably. I learned it as a coping mechanism as a child, and it was very useful because it helped me survive. There are downsides, though.

[EaterPeter]

Pretty much everything. Once you have new woman in life everything learned previously becomes obsolete.

[EaterPeter]

Thanks for like!

[dustybiker]

I would be lost and on unstable ground.. someone else. My past made me who I am today.

[LaFerrari]

Trust no one, Live in secrecy, Stay in the shadows away from society.

[AmandaYVR]

You mean you are trying to unlearn these?

[blondfrog]

Nothing everything I have learned has helped me in someway.

[Bluemax]

Stoicism isn't always appropriate.

[exitseven]

I never ask for help.

[Anpu23]

That all women are dangerous

[krin_m]

Being anxious about the unknowns!

[Mwomp82]

Not everyone who is friendly is a friend

[Wise4myage]

Things that are too personal to mention on here.

[Fuentes]

I'm cool, calm and collective these days

[abc3643]

My past.