Why do I lack expression?

[Youryeodongsaeng]

I find this scary because even as an adult, I lack facial expressions and I seem to be unfazed by most things. You could be having a conversation with me, face-to-face, and I might not look interested even though I am; it won't look like it, and it probably won't feel like it either. I think I also lack presence.

I want to be able to have my facial expressions and emotions to be in sync with each other, but that's kind of hard. Maybe I'm so broken inside that I am not capable of doing that, maybe I have really deep scars that might take a decade to heal. Or maybe it was me isolating myself 24/7 during my childhood... I don't know.

[LordOfThePines]

That sounds like it can be disassociation, or perhaps a type of schizotypal disorder. Do you have anxiety and depression, possibly PTSD?

[Youryeodongsaeng]

Anxiety and depression are what I am officially diagnosed with. I did ask for another psychological test, but they refused. I asked because I knew something else was wrong with me.

[Wonderingguyy]

That’s really strange. It probably has something to do with the trauma your talking about though. Maybe go to therapy?

[Youryeodongsaeng]

I've been to therapy, but I've never mentioned this problem I have with lacking facial expressions. I don't know if I have trauma. I know that I had a not particularly ideal childhood.

[Agape93]

Sounds like disassociation to me. Yo @LordOfThePines

[Youryeodongsaeng]

Maybe.., I'm going to mention this to my therapist.

[Agape93]

Have you ever done masking? Where you pretend to express emotions you don't feel?

[Youryeodongsaeng]

I think this is happening more than usual. I want to be interested, but I'm not actually feeling it. I think I'll only listen if it's beneficial to me... and that's scary... I've been like this for so long, I don't know what exact emotions I'm feeling, besides the more negative ones. If something's funny, I'll laugh. Whenever I'm getting an ounce of freedom, like going to an amusement park or going places I have never been before, I'd try to enjoy the moment, but that's it. It's like when I go back home, my feelings are back to neutral.