Would it be okay for me to slap my 15 year old daughter for drinking my wine?

[Anonymous]

Yes

No

[abc3643]

NO.

Nothing in the universe teaches as well as negative feedback.
When you do something and that results in something bad, you learn not to do that again.
This is basic behavior modification in Psychology 101.

Now, with young children, their minds aren't well-developed. They have little real sense of logic or empathy or values, so the way you need to correct bad behavior is through clear and profound negative experience - like a slap.

With older kids, they CAN have two-way communication and do have a much better understanding of logic and values while their empathy may still be quite off. That's simple immaturity. So, you do need to "punish" in some way with a negative experience for her, but you do not need to slap. Slapping doesn't teach empathy and justice. Her having something of hers taken away without her expecting it, does teach her some empathy about what she did to you and what justice is.

So, slapping's out. Be a smarter mother and start using justice in your lessons to your children.

[msc545]

@abc3643 You need to have a better understanding of the differences between negative feedback and negative reinforcement and punishment. They are not the same things. Also, punishment doesn't work and it has some very bad consequences.

[abc3643]

@msc545 I am a control systems engineer. I fully know what they are.

[msc545]

you demonstrably do not.

[abc3643]

@msc545 Every single system in the universe that involves control has something called a feedback loop. (This is where the phrase "in the loop" comes from.)

The basics of a control system are as follows:
1. A setpoint. The setpoint is what you want the output of the system to do.
2. The feedback. This is the measurement of what the output of the system has done.
3. The error. This is the difference between the setpoint and the feedback.
4. The controller. This is the part of the system that makes decisions on what to do based on the error (and possibly other factors).
5. The "plant". This is the system being controlled. The controller sends an input into the plant which then creates the output.

(more)

[abc3643]

Behavior modification is a form of control system, pure and simple.
When modifying someone's behavior ("the output"), you have a setpoint - what you want them to do aka "good behavior".
When that someone ("the plant" here) exhibits "bad behavior" ("the output") there is a non-zero "error", so you ("the controller") take action to alter that.
Ideally, the error goes to zero and that someone exhibits the behavior you want.

In a control system, we like negative feedback because it creates system stability, but that's a mathematical thing.

In psychology, we have positive and negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is rewarding good behavior to entice its continuance and eventually make it a standard behavior. Negative reinforcement is punishing bad behavior to dissuade its continuance eventually making the bad behavior essentially nonexistent.

The problem with positive reinforcement is that it's optional from the subject's perspective. The subject may be sufficiently content to not be motivated to change by positive reinforcement. The subject has a choice to be rewarded or not. With negative reinforcement, the subject must comply and there is no choice. Not wanting to experience the negative consequences of bad behavior, the subject complies.

=======
I want to be clear that I am not an advocate for violence against the 15 year old girl, but negative reinforcement is the appropriate tool to use here and, at 15, there are many negative reinforcement tools to use.

I am muting the question.

[msc545]

I am a Psychologist. You have no idea what you are on about here.

[OfMiceandMen]

I don't think you need to take it that far. If she's attempting to take the bottle all the time, lock your liquor cabinet up or hide it somewhere.

If she still steals booze then take her phone and tell she'll get it back when she smartens up. Obviously, if she works and pays for the phone herself, you can't go that route, but I'm sure there's other things you can come up with.

If she wants a ride to her friends place or the mall, you don't have to be available, etc.

[WilmaReportu]

As a responsible netizen, I pledge to report any kind of harassment or inappropriate behavior on online platforms. Your comment, which I have every reason to believe was meant to be a subtle reference to domestic violence, clearly goes against the rules of the forum, and it's essential to take swift action.

I am genuinely appalled by your insensitivity and lack of respect towards other users on the platform. The forum is a public space that aims to provide an environment of mutual understanding, respect, and intellectual stimulation. Your comment goes against all these principles and is a direct affront to myself and other users who value decency and mutual respect.

I demand that you cease and desist from making such comments in the future and apologize to the community. Failure to do so shall result in prompt reporting to the moderators and, if need be, to the relevant authorities.
I hope you understand the gravity of your offense and take steps towards rectifying the situation at the earliest.

[Kori1236]

Why would you strike your kid for drinking your wine. Have a discussion, don’t automatically choose violence. When I was a kid I was allowed to drink. I was allowed to have a glass of wine with dinner during special occasions, if I was having a sleepover my dad would get coolers for my friends and I. It took away the hype of it. So just talk to your kid, explain while you don’t mind sharing occasionally she still has to ask

[DaisyM23]

i'm not against hitting your children for discipline but i always found slapping to be beyond that, i was only slapped a few times on the face and that felt somehow worse than the normal whacking on arms/legs - tbh, there are plenty of other forms of discipline as well

[Anonymous]

If you want to destroy any trust she has in you, ruin your relationship going forward and traumatize your kid then sure, do that irreparable damage. OR, you can talk to her about it, let her know it’s wrong and try to understand her motive. Is there something distressing her that you don’t know about? Is she depressed, hurting? Is she just trying to be cool or feeling lonely? There are so many answers that you’ll never get if you put your hands on her.

[DaBiggestBird]

If you just found out then yeah probably but if this was like 2 days ago then that’s kind of petty and maybe almost toxic. It seems like a lot of people wait until the last second to take action in confrontations, and then they get all snippy when they get called out for being toxic.

[BlackBeauty90]

Sure.

If you're OK with her father or boyfriend punching you in the face. I mean your comment is sooo typical of drunkard mothers that you deserve the punch 👊

[lightbulb27]

should be better way's to discipline her and set straight. seems extreme.

we may not understand the situation. Maybe there is something greater wrong in the parenting/balance of power.

[Anemone978]

Slap her... personally I would kick her out LOL
Already going down the road to whoredom...

[miss3rin]

You're fucked.

[Anemone978]

@miss3rin Someone from your gen has no room to talk about people being fucked.. and I'm only kidding..

[AmeerX]

Yes but there are better ways. She might stop in front of you or become more rebellious. Try to explain the ills. Show her the news about how people under influence can get raped or drive and kill people and stuff

[EmmaMary]

Congratulations on winning a Troll of the day award.

[RavVid]

Yes she will turn into a lush if you don't. You change what you drink to something she doesn't like. That might work.

[Staximus]

No, genius. Slap your idiot self instead for setting a bad example. If she sees you drinking wine then she's going to think it's ok and want to drink it, too.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Domaine de la Romanee-Conti, yes. Something out of a box, not so much.

[A_Bell]

Are you slapping her because you're drunk, again?

Cut out the booze, chick.

[jahaims]

What does hitting someone accomplish other than in self defense? You are just a failure as a parent. They did it for a reason and now your solution is to hit them? Go to therapy that's immature af.

[goldenboybrady]

H**L, NO !!! ARE YOU INSANE? She could (and should, if you do it) have you charged with child abuse.

[cocos0]

I'd say don't slap her because then she's just going to hate you. Try having a serious conversation about it with her instead of using physical force. Physical force just makes it worse. Tell her it's not ok.

[stratford]

Why would you want to inflict physical harm on your own child?

[Dargil]

It is not OK to strike a female of any age unless she has struck you first.

[TheSpaceGnome]

No, but it would be a good idea to throw away all the alcoholic drinks in your house.

[Anonymous]

No, you should talk to her. Keep your hands off the kid unless you never want to see her again after the day she turns 18.

[Sasha0426]

Actually, in some places, a teenager can emancipate legally at her age.

[Sasha0426]

But, of course that depends where they live.

[Opinion Owner]

@Sasha0426 Unfortunately, where I live, children are commonly seen as objects.

[LiamJHayden]

No. Just scold and ground her, and then lock stuff like that away.

[msc545]

No. Physical violence particularly against children is never ok and often illegal.

[Anonymous]

She might be as tall or maybe taller than you by this age...

What if slaps you back and her slap is more powerful than yours? Ever thought of this?

[Solo3k]

You must be a white woman. Cause if your were black or Hispanic they woulda lit that ass up by now

[YAsQuen]

like depends? Is she gonna have a nosebleed slap or no visible bruise slap. Im not in love with either but there is a a differnce

[jjj101010]

No, assaulting a child isn’t appropriate. Just tell her to ask rather than take

[Apple1996]

Wtf no

[JackCarter]

I mean , hitting is never justified

[Anonymous]

Violence is never a good option.

[Asker]

That's how my mama and daddy punished me.

[abc3643]

@asker
Be better than them.

[miss3rin]

How about instead of continuing the cycle, you actually try to be a good parent and see why your daughter took the initiative to drink alcohol in the first place? Maybe she's going through some sort of hell that you don't know about and you getting physically violent with her tops that cherry.

[exitseven]

No, take her cell phone away for a week.

[Anonymous]

How bout I slap her on the behind

[Sasha0426]

Oh, so you prey on minors? Good to know.

[Opinion Owner]

@Sasha0426 she old Nuffield to read ain't she?

[Sasha0426]

If you have to ask, you’re unfit to be a mother.

[DextroShade]

Yes, more kids need to be slapped.

[gangs_and_guns]

U should share your wine

[007kingifrit]

yea its not wrong to slap kids

[Anonymous]

No, wtf is wrong with you?

[ohh98]

no, just talk to her instead.

[TiaNour]

Hell no