Why are some people insensitive about someone grieving or going though a rough time?

[Anonymous]

It was hurtful for my brother and I when our mother got diagnosed with strange four breast cancer last October. We had lots of support but when she passed like after her memorial I’ve gotten roasted and people joking with me. I mean I know they mean well and try to lighten up the mood but we had JUST lost our mom a week in a half. She passed this past January. One of my uncles roasted me about me looking like my dad is a problem. He said my brother is a split image of our mom (which is true) and he said he didn’t know about me and if I look like my dad it’s a problem. I wanted to call him out but I didn’t want to cause a scene. He HAD to joke at a time like this. He understands loosing a mother (grandma passed almost 10 years ago) but roasting me wasn’t the best time. Then a friend of mine called me motherless and she understands about losing a mother. I don’t think she was being mean, but I didn’t need to hear that. Sick of people trying to get me to be the same person I was before. I got sensitive when people try to joke with me. I mean HELLO it wasn’t the best time to joke when we JUST lost our mother. I wasn’t trying to be moody but losing a mother is traumatizing. I don’t mind people making me laugh and I do love it. I know it doesn’t sound like they were being mean but I needed to vent. Next month it will be nine months since she’s been gone and I’m STILL hurting. Fuck grief.

[ChiTown33]

People process grief differently, and for different people. Like for example, I worked with a guy whose grandpa had died and it really upset him. I couldn't understand it because it was only a grandparent. But my grandparents were never in my life. A grandparent dying was like a stranger dying to me. It might have been sad, but not for me. The guy I worked with on the other hand was raised by his grandparents. They were in his life more than his parents were. I wasn't trying to be insensitive i just couldn't understand what he was feeling as I had no reference point.

Now here's the flipside. My father passed away over 20 years. ago. I was very close to my father. Add to that that up to that point I'd never had anyone close to me die before. Well my father's death hit me like a sledgehammer. I kept waking up each morning afterwards waiting it all to just be part of a bad dream. It wasn't! At any rate I'm always a wisecracker at my job. And in particular this woman I worked with enjoyed my wisecracking. But as you can understand, after my father passed away I didn't feel like wisecracking for some time. But after a few days that lady I'd worked with told me she really didn't enjoy working with my mopey ass. And I was taken aback by the comment. And even kind of angry. Like, "oh, I'm sorry my grief bums you out"! "How insensitive of me".😆 as you see I can laugh at the absurdity of the comment now.

But the point is 20+ years. Later my father being gone hurts just as much. I'm not going to sugarcoat that fact for you. Whenever something great in my life happens one of the first things i want to do is pick up the phone and tell my dad. Then it hits me, i can't.😢 But with every passing day you learn to deal with this fact and it gets more manageable. You'll never be over this. But your life WILL go on. You will find joy again. And this will become a part of your new reality.

[Asker]

I’m so sorry about your dad. People need to back off. Sorry I’m now just seeing this comment

[ChiTown33]

No problem. Hopefully it gave you SOME comfort. If so, then it served it's purpose. As I said the takeaway is people process grief differently. Nothing you feel when you're grieving is wrong.

[Saramad_Hill]

First, I'm sorry for your loss. But, I find this simply insane. I can't believe people think trying to cheer you up with mother jokes is going to do anything useful for your mental health.

If you haven't already, let people know "hey, I don't want to hear these kinds of things while I'm still grieving." Like, aren't there other ways to support or cheer someone up rather than trying to make a joke about the relatively recent traumatic event you've been through?

You obviously had a decent relationship with your mother, so I can't imagine why the people in your life would think those sorts of jokes would be okay right now. Grieving is a long process, especially with an immediate family member.

I lost my brother last year, but no one has poked fun about it to my face. And it's not because I'm scary, I'm really relaxed about things. And I'll be honest that whole funeral and months following it were a shit show with various family members having their own opinions about it, and yet, no one came directly to me to joke about it. There's a basic level of respect that should be maintained.

So, yeah. Let people know what you're okay with hearing and what you're not okay with hearing if it comes to it, because you can't force someone to have common decency. If they respect you they will attempt to adjust how they interact with you while you process your loss. Losing a family member is hard enough without having to deal with tasteless comments in the following months...

[Asker]

I should have told them off about it but my weak ass it too damn nice. I didn’t want to make a scene. Losing a mom is hard and people have to joke.

[LiamJHayden]

Some only care about themselves.

[Asker]

Unfortunately it’s true